Hellobee Boards

I wanted to chime in and say that I am just starting to pull out of PPD at 7 months. I can't believe I've been struggling for so long. It's been a very tough journey. I just found out my Vitamin D level is dangerously low and have started a regimen to reverse it, so I do believe that had a lot to do with it.

I fell into motherhood like a plane on fire, nosediving into the earth. I had a really negative delivery experience, an insanely colicky baby for 3+ months who wouldn't sleep longer than a few hours at best, and I stubbornly forced myself to breastfeed for way too long even when it was clearly doing far more damage than good (low supply, toe-curling pain that never went away, MSPI issues, vasospasms, etc). Two months in my younger brother was in critical condition and in and out of the hospital for a few months (not the best place for a colicky newborn but I had no choice!). I needed my mom so badly during this time but obviously she had enough stress to deal with.

Once things calmed down, I started getting some sleep and I felt like I was out of "survival mode", but I was just... empty. On autopilot.

It's hard feeling disconnected and flat, like a shell of your former self. I couldn't bond with my baby right away and felt like I was in a state of shock. And I saw so many friends have babies and take to motherhood like they were born to do it. I feel like I missed the mark completely on the most important months of my baby's existence.

But the life is slowly flowing back in and I'm starting to feel joy and happiness again. There is still so much that is not quite fitting together but the good moments far outnumber the bad. I will always be sad that I didn't feel that overwhelming love at the first sight of my baby, but I was so overwhelmed by the pain of a long, difficult labor that I just couldn't connect to reality anymore.

I hope things continue to improve. I felt the baby blues for sure, but that started to get better after about 4 weeks. The PPD crept up a little more slowly and lasted a lot longer. This thread is helpful because I feel like the only woman in my social network that is having a tough time!

@ladybee: I'm so sorry things are difficult right now. I'm glad you were able to get a break from work. I've worked with clients who were prescribed topamax for mood disorders (bipolar disorder or depression, mainly). It would seem to me that, as with any medication prescribed for mood disorders, there is the threat or potential for worsening symptoms. So even though it was prescribed for migraine, it isn't totally surprising that it had this adverse reaction.
Are you on other meds for the PPD right now? Anything that has worked in the past? Hopefully your doctor can quickly get you off the topamax and onto a more appropriate migraine med.

Eta: these medications are so strange. What works for some people can be devastating to others. I just had a client have an increase in suicidality and depression after starting Zoloft, which is one of the most commonly prescribed meds for anxiety and depression. It can unfortunately make you feel a bit like a Guinea pig, but you kind of have to keep going until you find the right combo for you.

@pastemoo: hi fellow June momma! I'm here with you, struggling. I was doing really great for the first 8 weeks or so and then things just started going downhill fast with depression, anxiety and some OCD and disordered eating (I have had all 4 in the past, but nothing like this after DD1.) it took forever to get in to see the psychiatrist last week (I have been in therapy on and off for years, and had started up again while pregnant to deal with some issues with my mother - but it just wasn't cutting it right now). She prescribed Zoloft but left it up to me if I wanted to try or not. I'm starting to fee a little better since going back to work and I'm teetering on that potential benefit outweighing potential risks (since I'm EBF) line and don't know what to do. I did fill it today, so that's a start? I just am having anxiety over taking meds for anxiety lol - is that a sign I should take it?!

Hang in there, you're not alone.

@pastemoo: I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I had PPA bad starting when LO was about 2 months old. She's 14 months now, and with therapy, time, and a low dose of Zoloft I am doing much better. I still have bad days, but I'm back to my baseline (higher than normal) level of anxiety. I hope you find something that works for you soon.

@Dahlia: thank you so much for the encouragement. I think I'm going to start tonight. I was really hoping to take it before bed so it peaked while DD was STTN but of course she decided to stop STTN. Sleep derivation makes everything worse for me, so I think I'm going to just go for it.

@MrsKoala: thanks for this. I was actually going to call my doc and ask about supply since I didn't think to ask the other day. Did you notice any weight gain? Vain I know, but that's my other concern I didn't ask about! I appreciate your encouragement. I'm just nervous about it negatively impacting baby. I kind of already feel like I'm failing her in so many ways, I don't want to add another thing to the mix, which probably sounds silly.

@catomd00: no weight gain at all. My only side effect was a lightheaded feeling and some headaches in the beginning.

@catomd00: I'm on 25 mg and it's worked for me. Also, I haven't noticed any dip in supply or weight gain. And LO is healthy, happy, growing, and hitting milestones appropriately. I figured any risk from the meds is outweighed by the possible harm to her from having an anxious mother (especially because when I'm really anxious I tend to withdraw and not want to be around her as much).

@catomd00: Happy to talk about risk/benefit of meds with you! PM me or email me (@gmail.com) . I've been doing some research for school on it.

@pastemoo: how you doing? I started Zoloft about 2 weeks ago and have noticed a really big difference the past few days. I'm actually enjoying my days instead of just tolerating them. I had some crazy plugged ducts and mastitis symptoms off and on for about a week a few days after starting, but I'm hopefully on the other side of that now with no lasting effects on my supply. Hope you're hanging in there!