My uncle died yesterday. His funeral is Saturday, and my husband may be working. My baby is 3 months old, and arranging a babysitter is not an option.
I'm not really sure of the etiquette in this situation. Is it ok to bring my 3 month old to a funeral? Obviously if he started crying during the funeral I would go outside. I'd like to say goodbye to my uncle.
108 votes
wonderful cherry / 21504 posts
I think it's ok to bring him. Plus I'm sure it would cheer people up to see him since its family. I'm sorry about your uncle.
persimmon / 1233 posts
I'm so sorry. I brought my 5-month-old to my husband's grandmother's funeral. No one minded, though I had to walk around with him quite a bit. Could you bring a friend to take the baby outside if needed so you can focus on the ceremony?
grapefruit / 4731 posts
Supposedly it's not cool to bring a baby to a Chinese funeral. Something about sprites scaring / affecting the baby. Don't quote me on this... this is stuff my mom tells me and she's not a very trusting source of actual Chinese traditions.
Other than that I'm not sure what the right answer would be. So I just voted what we would do. 
I think I'm the only no vote.
grapefruit / 4418 posts
Dad has been to two funerals - both great grandmothers. One was at about 3 months and the other at 20 months. the 3 month one was much easier, but both times no one minded her presence, even when she was goofing around a bit. I took her outside when she got too loud. She was a welcome distraction.
nectarine / 2148 posts
DS was 2 months when I brought him to my grandmothers wake and funeral. There was no issue and people liked the distraction.
coconut / 8472 posts
I'd say in your circumstances you're fine. Try to sit near the back if you need to walk out. I got very upset at one of my mom's cousins at my grandfather's funeral because his kid was SO loud and he didn't do anything about it.
eggplant / 11861 posts
It's family I'd definitely bring baby! Might even make a few smile!
Sorry for your loss!
pomegranate / 3411 posts
I brought my one week old to my friends dad's funeral. And there was another newborn there as well. I think it's a non issue as long as like you said, you step out if baby makes noise.
coffee bean / 39 posts
@hummusgirl: unfortunately not. I really don't have many close friends since I moved.
coffee bean / 39 posts
Thanks for all your input. I texted my husband and he said, I don't feel comfortable with you bringing the baby to a funeral, I don't think it's a good environment for an infant. I was a little surprised. I mean it isn't like the baby will know where he is. And my family will be there.
kiwi / 696 posts
I took my six week old to a funeral. It was my dads, which is slightly different circumstances, but I would take a baby to any family members funeral if I needed to.
blogger / pomegranate / 3044 posts
I took my 1st LO to a funeral of a family friend when he was 5mo. I stayed in the back and had to go in and out a few times (it was a long but informal memorial) and did not feel awkward or unwelcome at all.
persimmon / 1436 posts
I would definitely bring the baby. I'm a big believer in always going to the funeral (or at least the visitation). http://www.npr.org/2005/08/08/4785079/always-go-to-the-funeral
ETA: I didn't even know the deceased but the last visitation I went to was for a coworker's FIL (our team is very small). They were very close and she was devastated when he died very unexpectedly. I went even though I was 38 weeks pregnant and as soon as we walked in I could see how touched she was by that gesture.
nectarine / 2148 posts
@antigone: it's funny you say that because my aunt and uncle didn't want their youngest going for that same reason. I don't get it though. Like wouldn't your uncle want LO there? I'm a big proponent of LOs going.
pomegranate / 3595 posts
I am sorry for your loss!
I feel that way about taking a baby to visit a very sick relative to the hospital, but not a funeral. My only concern about the "environment" being inappropriate for a baby would be if you felt you would lose your composure and be a total emotional mess as that would be hard for a baby.
grapefruit / 4355 posts
I'm sorry for your loss. You can definitely bring the baby to the funeral!
coffee bean / 39 posts
Thank you all for the condolences.
Apparently, my family does not expect me to attend with the baby. My mom basically said he would be a distraction and agreed with my husband that it isn't really appropriate.
I'm with (nearly) everyone else on this and think...well, you do what you have to. It isn't ideal to me to take him, but I would in a heartbeat. At the last family funeral relatives with toddlers attended, and I can promise you they were less well behaved than a 3 month old.
cantaloupe / 6131 posts
We had our son's dedication at DH's family church during their Sunday church service when he was 3 months old. I basically stood in the back/lobby swaying with my son in the Ergo until we were called up and it was fine. And my son was a colicky baby.
nectarine / 2217 posts
I just brought my 4m old (and 2 and 3 yr olds) to my grandma's funeral last week. My cousins brought their toddlers/babies too. It was fine and accepted and people were happy to see the kids. I would not bring non-infants to non family member funerals though, unless they were close, or requested. all the toddlers were fairly loud during the wake.
nectarine / 2504 posts
We actually just took both of our kids to a funeral yesterday (age 1 and 3). It was fine and there was another little 1 year old in attendance as well. Sorry for your loss.
pomegranate / 3658 posts
I am somewhat shocked by your husband's and families' reactions on this. I think if you want to attend your uncle's funeral, then you have that right and nobody can tell you not to. Sounds like you must take the baby in order to attend, so that's the way it is.
pomelo / 5257 posts
@PawPrints: I agree.
I honestly think it's a bit hurtful and dismissive of your feelings to say that bringing your LO is "inappropriate," which basically means you won't get to go. I think you deserve to say goodbye if you would like to, and your LO is obviously a family member of your uncle as well. I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
hostess / papaya / 10540 posts
We've always taken our babies with us and it has never been an issue, especially when it's family like your situation.
nectarine / 2973 posts
I see nothing wrong with taking a baby to a funeral. Obviously I would step outside if baby starts crying... I'm surprised that your husband and family are so against it!
eggplant / 11408 posts
@PawPrints: I agree with this.
I don't know if the funeral was yesterday or next Saturday, but I think you should 100% go if you want, baby or not. Actually, if it were me, I would make it a point to bring the baby. My family's spirituality is such that we believe death and life are intertwined: you remember the dead and carry on their memory for the next generation. So a baby at a funeral is a good thing-it reminds you that life goes on, and that you have to carry on for those you love around you. I see nothing bad about a baby at a funeral, even one who's a tiny bit noisy.
I think it is incredibly inappropriate to suggest a family member not be allowed or encouraged to come because of a baby. I hope that they're saying it out of grief, but even still, I find it very heartless, especially because you're grieving, too. Goodness.
ETA: I am so sorry for your loss.
eggplant / 11408 posts
@Raindrop: I think I've heard this, too...in some traditions, pregnant women aren't supposed to go, either. But to me, that's different, because it's part of the family spirituality, and supposed to be in the best interests of the pregnant mom/baby. But I get the feeling that's not what's going on here....
I bet @regerberadaisy would know!
kiwi / 698 posts
I brought my 8 month old to a funeral for my SIL's mom. I didn't have a babysitter and felt it was important that I was there. I just sat near the back and left when I needed to.
Sorry about the passing of your uncle 
pear / 1718 posts
My toddler has been to two funerals in the last year. One for a close friend who lost his mother and one for my grandmother. LO was an absolute rockstar and was a total bright spot at both ceremonies. So many people thanked me for bringing her. I would take your LO. You shouldn't be expected to forfeit your opportunity to say goodbye.
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