Hello Ladies,
I am so upset. I parked in a small lot at my older child's school and left my infant in his car seat after having hurt my back -- ran into school for less than one minute. I came out with my older child to find a mother from my older one's class next to my car, livid. She began shouting at me in front of my kids that what I had done to my baby was illegal and that she was a mandated reporter. I asked her what her job was, she said social worker, and shouted never to do it again. Then repeated it was illegal. Then drove off. I am so scared. What would you have done in this situation? I got no sleep last night. I am now afraid someone is going to come after me. Sorry if this post seems to make no sense. I just feel awful and terrified.
You might also enjoy...
-
I would start with an action plan that includes getting your tasks done without leaving the baby on the car.
-
1. She obviously didn't handle this situation well.
2. I don't think she is going to report you but was trying to scare you into not doing that again.
3. What you did was wrong, and please don't do it again. -
I think I might email her and say that you've been thinking about what happened, you feel terrible and ashamed, and that it's not something you will do again. I might say that the way she confronted you about it made you feel worse and that you wish she had been able to talk to you more calmly, but that you're glad she said something. You might also say that you hurt your back so it's painful to pick up the car seat, but that you will now make it a priority to ask for help when you need it.
I think this is something that will sting for a while--I'm sorry. I wish she had been more kind when talking to you about it. I don't think she has any grounds to make a report and if she does I don't think anything will happen.
-
@petitenoisette: I agree. Based on your description of how she behaved, I suspect she's not going to report you, but wanted to scare you into never doing it again.
And I agree - don't even leave your child in the car unattended, even if you think it'll only be a minute or less. You just never know what might happen.
-
I think a previous poster had the best idea - you need to put an action plan in place so that you never have to leave the baby in the car. If you can't lift the baby, you really shouldn't be taking care of him by yourself. If you can lift him but not the car seat maybe you could use a stroller. Or call the school and explain and see if someone can walk your older LO out.
That way if a social worker does contact you about it, you can explain what you e done to be more proactive in the future.
-
It may not be illegal. Not all states have those laws.
I will disagree with the others and state that you did nothing wrong. Your infant will not die in a few minutes while left in the car.
-
Just out of curiosity, what actually would happen in this situation if one were to be contacted? I think it could be a useful discussion. Anyone know?
-
I'm sure she's correct for your state about it being illegal, but that is not the case in every state. In Texas the law is that you can leave a child under 14 in the car for less than 5 minutes. http://codes.findlaw.com/tx/penal-code/penal-sect-22-10.html. I'm not saying it's advisable in every situation or that you should do it, but you might look into what the law actually is in your state.
Don't beat yourself up about it. It's done and you know next time to come up with a different plan. Every single mom, the mom who stopped you included, has done things or let their kids do things that were more dangerous than someone else would feel comfortable with or has felt terrible about a parenting decision they made. Live and learn and don't stay up at night. If CPS does come, spend the money on a really good family law attorney from the beginning, but it doesn't sounds like she was going to report you.
-
@looch: I believe CPS and the police would both be involved if it was reported. Where it goes from there would depend on the state law and on the facts surrounding the incident. Having a baby left in a car for a couple minutes while a hurt mom runs into get her other child from daycare is obviously a very different factual situation than a parent who leaves a baby in a car while they go shopping, etc. Depending on the degree of culpability and the extent of the circumstances, you could face criminal charges and/or be put on a plan with CPS.
All this said, I would hope that a police department or CPS would have the common sense in this scenario to give a few stern words as the OP clearly cares about her children and wasn't trying to do anything that had a high probability of harm, even if the degree of harm is severe if that probability occurs.
-
I think I would also talk to the daycare, though, about the fact that another parent is screaming at people in the parking lot. Whether or not what you did was appropriate, her response definitely was not.
-
@Mrs. Blue: Would you get a visit, or a letter in the mail? Does it vary by state?
-
@Mrs. Toad: The point isn't just about the baby dying (to the confronter), it's about the mom creating a potentially dangerous situation. Obviously the baby's fine, but infants alone in cars is something that most people are really uncomfortable with. It gets hot in a car very quickly, plus someone could break into the car to kidnap them.
@looch: If it's illegal they'll send a police officer out to investigate. If an officer does come, I'd guess the poster should not admit to anything and should call a lawyer.
They would also likely send social services to check things out. They would want to interview the family and figure out if the children are experiencing neglect. I'm not a social worker but I did get fairly far in the process to foster/adopt. From what they told us the goal is always to keep families together. And usually they want to work with parents, not just jump to taking kids away.
-
@Paddington10: hugs. That sucks. I would also email or contact her saying you've been thinking about it and aren't going to do that again, etc, in case she is thinking about it and waivering on whether to report it. I know in my state it's actually not illegal.
For the future, are there any parents you aren't friendly enough with to say "could you stand by my car for two minutes while I run in?" Then you don't have to lift the seat up but aren't leaving the baby alone? I've thought about that at drop off.
-
@Paddington10: oh and fwiw, I don't think it's a big deal. I won't do that partly because I'm too nervous about the what ifs, but more because I'm afraid of the crazies like that. But honestly I'm outside the car to fill up at the gas station longer than you were to run in. Doesn't seem that different to me.
-
@looch: Honestly, I would guess it depends on the who actually gets the case and the city & state. If reported to the police department (if it actually is illegal), someone would probably actually come out and talk to you to get more facts about the situation. As for what CPS would do, I have no idea. I would guess you would have someone show up.
I agree with what @ShootingStar: said that I would not be inclined to say anything to anyone without an experienced family law attorney with me. People get in a lot of trouble trying to explain their way out of things or trying to make sure they don't "look guilty."
-
@ShootingStar: @Mrs. Blue: Thank you ladies, good to know.
-
@Paddington10: In my area if that was reported to CPS nothing would happen. She clearly could only say that the child was left alone for a minute (if that is the length of time). They might keep a record for the future, but right or wrong I don't even think you would get a phone call, much less a visit.
-
@Mrs. Blue: @looch: I am a social worker, "mandated reporter", and I work in early childhood mental health with little kids involved with CPS. To speak to the response, I believe it does vary by state.
In my state when you call in a report, they get as much information as they can about the family and are trying to assess for safety risks. They then determine if the report is a "status communication", basically a note in a file in case someone else calls again with more concerns, or an investigation. If it is investigated, someone would come interview the parents and children and again look for safety concerns. Then some investigations are closed due to lack of evidence and others become actual DCS cases.
In this situation, I can't see a case opening over such a short period of time with the baby left. Of course the other parent doesn't know how long the child was alone so I imagine it was scary for her too.
-
@MamaCate: Are you obligated to let them come in and investigate, do you have the right to refuse and have them come back when you have an attorney present?
Genuinely curious, and I hope this helps someone.
-
Just as an update, I spoke to a friend who is actually a family attorney who said there is no grounds in our area; she's a mandated reporter in the context of her work alone. If she did file a complaint, perhaps it would carry more weight than if it was some random person, but for something so small and typical (I admit, not the best judgment, but something a busy parent might do), they are not going to "screen it in." I also called the police (yes, I am paranoid) who said in my area you need to have left the child alone for more than 10 minutes with a clear "intent" to abandon. He said, "You sound like a woman who was just trying to get through the day. I have four kids, and if my wife did that, I wouldn't bat an eye." Anyway, I admit, not the best judgment, and I certainly would never do it again, but I was just so rattled to be screamed at and told I was being "illegal" in front of my stunned child.
-
@Paddington10: I'm glad that you got some further information and that it was helpful to you. Even if there is some leeway with the law, I wouldn't do it again! Lesson learned.
-
Were you really only in school for "less that one minute?". It has literally never taken me less than one minute to pick up my kid from her class room. I've got to walk in there, sign her out, convince her to stop whatever she's playing with, chat with her teacher about her day, she says goodbye to all her friends, etc. It's at least 5-10 minutes to get out of there on a good day. So if she does report you, I think what will happen next will depend on how long it really was. And that's easily verified by school employees and the woman based on how long she was standing by your car, so it's not something I would consider lying about.
What you did was wrong, no matter how short of a time period it was. As others have said, what you should do now and come up with a plan so that you're never in the situation again where you feel that's your best option.
-
@Truth Bombs: It seems your experience is different than mine. My older child was waiting by the door, a few feet from the parking lot. No reason to lie.
-
@Paddington10: I'm so sorry that this happened to you! I have left my infant or older child in the (running, with A/C or heat) car while I popped in to daycare for a minute to get the other one before. Especially if one of them is sick, I can't take that child in and I do drop-off and pick-up alone.
That being said, I was reported to CPS earlier this year because my non-mobile infant had a scratch on her ear that was noticed by the pediatrician, who is a mandated reporter. Because we didn't know when the scratch had occurred, the pediatrician reported both us (the parents) and our daycare provider to CPS. The CPS investigation involved interviewing my older child away from adults, an inspection of my younger child, inspection of the daycare, and inspection of our home. They did interview all parties. It took about two months for our case to close. We were ultimately found in the clear, but it was traumatizing and I won't visit that doctor again.
-
@Truth Bombs: @Paddington10: schools are set up so differently. My previous pick up was on the playground next to parking lot. I felt completely safe leaving the baby in the car while I walked 15 feet to sign the preschooler out and pick up her back pack. Now I pick up inside and up a flight of stairs and have to convince her to say goodbye and come with me. For that I would not feel safe leaving the baby in the car. And this is the same school, just different pick up location.
-
@Paddington10: With your two follow ups it sounds like you have nothing to worry about from a legal perspective. I would assume this woman was lying about being a social worker because if she was a half way decent one, she would know the correct laws for your state. As WinnieBee said above, hopefully lesson learned without any further consequences and you can move forward.
-
@avivoca: what?! My baby has a scratch on her ear at this very moment that I don't know where it came from. Plus a bruise on her ace (but I know that was from falling down one stair while I was cooking dinner and not watching her). Sorry you had to go through that!
-
@avivoca: Wow, that's crazy. I mean, babies scratch themselves all the time... How do they come to the conclusion that THAT scratch has to be reported?
@Paddington10: I am sorry this happened! Must have been so traumatizing. I def know you don't need any more lectures about how this is unsafe/illegal, etc. I know we all have made bad judgments before. I guess I can see it from the other mom's perspective; she might not have known how long your baby was left in there so she could have just been super worried, her mind going to the worst places. She shouldn't have screamed at you, but lately with all the crazy news out there, I feel like I could have seen that and freaked out and called the police or something too. I hope that you are able to put this behind you and find a way to drop off without having to leave your baby. Hugs
-
@Paddington10: I'm glad you are feeling better! We all do things as moms that we later think "what was I thinking?!" Forgive yourself, try to forget about the "social worker," and come up with a plan for baby. Hugs.
-
@looch: that is a great questions! I don't have expertise in the legal side of it so I don't want to say anything that isn't accurate. I would think you have the right to representation but I don't know that for sure.
@Paddington10: I am so glad you are feeling better and got some more information! Hope the rest of your week goes better!
-
@Paddington10: I would confront the screaming woman back. I would calmly tell her you feel bad and that you won't do it again but you injured your back. While you appreciate that her concern comes from a good place,
it doesn't help to traumatize you in the parking lot by threatening to sic CPS on your family in front of your older child.Basically, I would say that she's right as far as leaving the child in the car is concerned but her response was uncalled for.
-
I'm sorry this happened to you! I honestly feel like our society has gotten into such a bstshit crazy nanny state mentality these days. I will go on record and say that I think people being this crazy about leaving your kid in the car for a couple minutes is ridiculous.
-
@Foodnerd81: I agree 100%.
@Paddington10: hugs. I'm so sorry someone treated you like that. Honestly, why I would be freaking out, I would do nothing and just wait and see what happens.
-
I'm a psychologist who works in the field of child maltreatment, and as others have said, guidelines are different depending on the state. In my state, if she called the hotline, they would gather information and either decide not to follow through or it would generate a CPS referral, which mandates a response from DCP&P within 24 hours. Lots of different factors go into deciding whether or not a case is pursued, but depending on how long the reporter says you were away from the car for (regardless of whether or not she is correct), it could be pursued. If it is pursued, they will come out and interview you, interview your older children (as necessary), and obtain collateral reports from daycare/schools/pediatrician/etc. Depending on what they find, they will either close the case or refer you to services (which I think would be highly unlikely). If she did call it in and an investigator comes out to "surprise" you with a visit, my best advice is to just be honest and acknowledge what happened and what you will do differently in the future. Assuming there is nothing else going on (and I am sure there is not), the case will not escalate.
Personally, I have brought the baby with me to drop off my oldest at school and what I do instead of having to drag her instead for literally a one minute process is I ask the teacher that stands by the door to keep an eye on my car. I wait for a spot right at the front and the teacher will stand close by so that way, if anyone looks in and notices the baby, the teacher will be there to say she is watching.
You are fine so try not to worry!
-
I wouldn’t do anything, except try to cut yourself some slack and “get over it” (I don’t mean that in a snarky way, I mean you have to try to just let it go; what else can you do?).
I don’t think her reaction was appropriate, but I get it. Social workers see issues 24/7 and I’m sure pretty much every single parent they deal with was just outside the car for a “minute” and ready with an explanation; KWIM? If she didn't see you run in then she had no idea whether you were in there for a minute or 20 minutes; whether this was a one-time thing or this is what you do on a regular basis. So while I get it’s uncomfortable for you, I’m sure it also is for her; especially if your children go to the same daycare/school.
If you see her again in person, I might reach out to explain, but personally I would not email her or seek out any contact with her over this. Sounds like you got the information you needed, so I would just try to put this out of my mind.
-
@looch: This is what would happen in NJ if you refused to speak with DCP&P investigators:
What if I refuse to speak to the investigators or I want to stop answering their questions?
You do not have to talk to the investigators. But once you start talking, this means you agreed to be interviewed. If you refuse to speak to the investigators or you decide to stop talking to them, the interview will not occur or the investigation will end at your request. However, this does not mean that your case will be closed. The Division can go to superior court and make an application or request for an order to investigate before a judge. In these situations, you should receive notice of the request for an order to investigate and be told about any upcoming court hearings. You should attend these court hearings because you will have an opportunity to explain your case. This means you can explain why you think there should be no investigation. If the judge agrees with the Division, the judge will grant its request for an order to investigate. You then will have to work with the investigators.
-
@MsMini: I agree. I think she did nothing wrong.
-
@MamaCate: Great information! Thanks for sharing the details of how it would work from your angle.
-
@avivoca: WHA????? Are you kidding me?? Babies scratch themselves all the time! Their fingernails are little razors! That is shocking to me that a pedi would report that without some other questionable circumstances. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite0
125 comments