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I'm having a similar issue with 2.5 year old DD2. She often contradicts if I'm threatening a punishment (for example, I might calmly tell her - "If you don't put away the dress up clothes like Mommy asked, I'm going to have to take them away for the day" - she'll respond "No you WON'T!" ) Like your DS, it tends to be her way of attempting to assert control over things that are painfully obvious, but she doesn't want to do (go pee before being allowed to sit down and watch a show, wash hands before eating, etc.)

I've been trying to ignore it, but sometimes if I don't acknowledge her, she continues to say it, in an escalating volume, until she's really worked up. Turning it into a joke ("Maybe not, but I AM GOING TO TICKLE YOUR BELLY!"!) definitely works to diffuse the tension of the situation....but I'm not sure it does enough to show her that I don't like the sass.

@ShootingStar: I hear ya. Its just a developmental phase we gotta get through somehow without losing our sh*t, yanno? We have the cold outside debate a lot too. Our most recent solution in that specific example has been to put him in short sleeves until we get to the car. He will tell us its cold and that he wants a sweater. We will say "See, Daddy told you it was cold. Its cold right?" Then I make him affirm what we said somehow (yes Daddy, nod, whatever). Then I say "We don't always have to have fit about things like this. Daddy loves you VERY much and I don't want you to get sick. Next time when Daddy tells you its cold and that we have to wear long sleeves, we can try to be a big boy and trust Daddy, okay?" Make him affirm again. Then we give him a hug and tell him we love him, throw a sweater or thin fleece on over the shirt and tuck a blanket on his carseat until we get to school. Then we put him in a proper coat and all that.

My husband is SO good at going through this BS. I am really learning from him because he's so much more patient than I am. DS' brain also works likes DH's so I think he gets him more. DH's reasoning is that DS needs to learn through experience that our rules aren't arbitrary and that they are born out of fierce love AND for his benefit/protection. A combination of humor, diffusing the power struggle, natural consequences, acknowledging those consequences, and then reinforcing love (ending these conversations with I love yous and hugs) has been the key to (DH's) success.

I really try to get through this season of life with the big picture in mind. DH told me as a kid he was always super frustrated by seemingly arbitrary rules and that he constantly challenged them, questioned them, and did things to the contrary just to prove that it didn't always have to be a certain way. (Is it any wonder DH is a talented engineer and attorney?) His parents (especially his mom and teachers) were always pulling their hair out because of it, but at some point he said both his parents and him reached a middle ground. DH realized that his parents really loved him and were imposing rules and boundaries to benefit him and that often times HIS life was easier if he was more cooperative. DH's parents realized that it was better to allow DH some creativity and flexibility to get to the desired outcome, so they allowed him to push back somewhat, but he had to be respectful and nice about it.

It sounds exhausting to me - I came from an authoritarian household and I was a rule following child. But DH also said he had virtually no problems with his parents as a teenager because that understanding was built in from the time he was a young child. Meanwhile I had a TON of problems with my parents in my teen years. So hopefully we can see this as investing in their adolescence!

Long story short, I hear you and you're doing a great job!

Oh my goodness, my 3.5 year old is forever doing this and it drives me crazy! "Please don't do that, you will hurt yourself", "no I WON'T hurt myself". Oh, okay, as long as you're sure you won't fall off that chair you're wobbling on? "Be careful, it's hot", "No its NOT hot". Umm, okay, you know best, forgive me wise one.

When I can, I let her experience the negative consequences (eg the cold - I would take her jumper with me but let her go out in shirt sleeves first). If I can't let her make her own mistakes, if it's dangerous, I get all authoritarian and grit my teeth against the protests.

I've been reading "no bad kids" and one thing she suggests is saying "thank you for your opinion". I haven't tried it yet but might work tonlet him know you're hearing him?

Toddlers.. 🙄🙄

All super helpful!
@gingerbebe (and others) how do you remember to say all those things in the moment?

@Cherrybee: Nope, sounds sarcastic in my American accent as well. Doesn't mean I haven't said it, though! I've also tried really generic things along the lines of "Is it, now?", "I see....", and "That's interesting....." - or just "Thank you, <DD> / Enough, <DD>." Sometimes those work as conversation enders; sometimes she just escalates and repeats "No I WON'T!" louder.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is the one of nicer "acknowledgement without agreement" things I've come up with, but it doesn't always make sense.

You know, I go both ways. If it's something that isn't too important (like shoes on the wrong feet), I would let it go with an "if you say so". If it's something more important, like wearing a coat when it's -30, then I'll get more authoritatian. Like I'll say, "well, wear it anyways". Then when she inevitably says "i don't want to", I say "tough noogies" and make her put it on. I pick the battles that are important to me.