Do you see debris or remnants of your first relationship/first time linger in to your relationship today? If so, how do you understand them, and what do you do?
My first time was with a man much older than me. I was 20. We were mutually attracted to each other. I had about 110% of my effort and life devoted to him, and he about 20%. This imbalance caused me a lot of pain. Several years later and in a marriage now, I still think of this person weekly.
apricot / 363 posts
I used to feel this way. It took awhile for me to not forget my past relationship, but realize that the one I am in now is much healthier and better for me in so many ways. I think time really helped me to heal. I'm lucky that I'm with a better man. Sometimes it takes a few "frogs" to get to the right one.
A large part of it too as I'm thinking about it is I was afraid of not finding someone who would love me as I needed and wanted to be loved.
GOLD / wonderful olive / 19030 posts
In the beginning of my relationship I think this was the case, but now I just look back at how lucky I am to have moved on and out of that relationship. At the time I was heartbroken, but now I realize it was the best thing for me. If anything when I think about it, it's not 'what if" it's "thank goodness!"
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
Nah... First relationship was a college boyfriend, and I myself was so different back then. Plus, it was actually a relatively good relationship where he was a really good guy and I learned a lot from it. My second relationship was my bad boy heartbreak, but DH is completely different from that guy so I never had to feel insecure or unclear about our relationship!
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts
@Remcatt: That is a really hard place to be in. I know that for me, I also had a time period of comparing my husband with my previous boyfriend and it definitely was not healthy. I know it was hard on my husband at the time - but talking things out and talking about that relationship was what helped me the most. Would there be anyone you could talk to about this? I've been to counseling before and sometimes all I needed was just a place to freely let it all out - and that's my healing. Do you think that might help for you?
grapefruit / 4311 posts
I've been with DH for 10.5 years now so I don't have those feelings, but I definitely hadn't let go completely of the 2yr relationship I had before him until we'd been together for 2-3 years (didn't help that I ran into the ex socially very often during that time period!)
pomegranate / 3895 posts
I saw debris mainly when we were first dating. I had a boyfriend who would vanish for days - we dated for a very long time and, looking back, I have NO idea why I put up with it. He would not answer my texts (even if they had a question) and then just show back up. As a result, I was very neurotic about contacting guys and if I didn't hear from my DH (then boyfriend), I would get super stressed. It came to head one time when he fell asleep on a night when I was cooking him dinner (my DH) and accidentally stood me up. We ended up talking about it at length and I explained to him why I was so neurotic about it.
Reading over your post - I rarely think about him in particular, but I do see the impact of his baggage. It took me awhile to realize that just because I had been hurt by this experience in the past, it did NOT mean that my DH was going to do it.
eggplant / 11824 posts
There was a lot of debris from my first serious, adult relationship – I didn’t date for several years after him because I needed that “break” time away from relationships.
Like you, I gave 110% and he gave about 20%. There was a lot of passion, and not a lot of much else.
Time helped, but what helped me most of all was for me to realize (and repeat to myself whenever I thought wistfully of him) that what I was sad about losing, and what I missed was the dream I had for our relationship and our future – it just wasn’t reality.
The more I focused on my actual, real future – the one with my 100% involved partner (now, husband) the more the ex faded into the past. Good luck.
coffee bean / 32 posts
@Mrs. Pen: Yes definitely. Counseling is magic. I'm in a MUCH better place than just 4 months ago, but there's still work to do, and know it won't reach perfection.
Thank you!
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts
@Remcatt: oh I'm so glad to hear it! Having a healthy marriage is so important, and I know feelings and baggage from the past can really get in the way of that. Good for you for being proactive about your personal and marital health. I'm glad to hear it's helping. I'm always amazed at what a good vent session with a therapist can do for me!
persimmon / 1404 posts
At the beginning of this relationship, absolutely. We had both been married before which in itself brings a lot of debris so there was a lot to deal with. I had trust issues due to my ex and struggled with not feeling good enough.
Now, it's all gone. I was so, so lucky to get away from him and that marriage!
bananas / 9227 posts
DH was cranky the other day (very rare) and I caught myself thinking the worst. Then I realized I was replaying things that happened with my ex. That I was reacting to things that happened in my past - someone elses mistakes, not him. In that moment, he asked me if he did somethig wrong. He did nothing wrong.
It's been over 10 years since the fall of my last relationship. 9 since the divorce. I can't believe that even now, hints of his shit still linger.
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