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It's so interesting to hear how everyone's childhood upbringing has affected their views of discipline. I grew up being spanked but I'm going to make an effort to try other methods first (time-outs, lost privileges). But honestly, if push comes to shove and our little guy just isn't getting the message (especially in dangerous situations like crossing the street), I don't think I'd have a problem with spanking him.
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I plan to spank my children once DH and I have them. I was spanked as a child and it truely was the most effective form of discipline for me when I was young. Sitting in "time-out" was pretty worthless to me - what did I really care that I had to sit in the corner of the bathroom for 10 minutes?
Spanking (ie a quick swat or two to the butt with an open palm through clothes) taught me pretty quickly what I should and shouldn't do. I was never hurt, just uncomfortable. But that discomfort got the point accross!
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A story told by Astrid Lindgren
[Author of Pippi Longstocking]
"Above all, I believe that there should never be any violence." In 1978, Astrid Lindgren received the German Book Trade Peace Prize for her literary contributions. In acceptance, she told the following story."When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor's wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn't believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking - the first of his life. And she told him that he would have to go outside and find a switch for her to hit him with. The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, "Mama, I couldn't find a switch, but here's a rock that you can throw at me."
All of a sudden the mother understood how the situation felt from the child's point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. And the mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind. Because violence begins in the nursery - one can raise children into violence."
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@JustlikeHeaven: @.twist.: totally agree!
My ex-husband wasn't spanked as child but he grew up to be physically abusive to his wife (yea that was me).
Our son doesn't even like arguments, but I've always used spanking as our form of discipline and DS has never really freaked out about it or anything like that... he's never thought I didn't love him... BUT his father who doesn't spank him DS is much more fearful of (when he's there). And like I originally posted, we have a pretty "strict" code for how we discipline. And if I've ever let something go until I'm frustrated, even if DS is breaking a rule, I'm NOT spanking him... It's always been one of those kind of matter of fact things..... break a rule, get a spanking. DS is a great kid and at this point RARELY gets a spanking... or even needs to be reminded of the rules.
It's always gone over well and it's proven more effective than some of the other ways kids around us are disciplined. My cousin who's just a little younger than DS and he's also more aggressive than DS and gives my grandmother a MUCH harder time than DS..... she WISHES his mother would spank him so that he'd act better. lol
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@runsyellowlites: I wholeheartedly agree. As I said before, our situation was unique. Their mother does not discipline them, and then she'll get frustrated and yell and then feel bad and reward them.
We had to start them from scratch. We would try to discipline them without spanking and they would literally laugh at us. Just sit their laughing and running around. Spanking was the only think that got through to them, and now? We never have to spank them. We just tell the to take a seat on time out for a few minutes and calm down. That's it!
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We will spank, but VERY sparingly and under strict guidelines, as many others have stated above.
My sister and I were spanked a few times growing up, and we have NEVER been physically violent toward each other (our fights have never been physical), nor do we believe violence is okay. We have never feared our parents and we have never doubted their love for us either...and each time that we were spanked, we knew why it happened and we never did the wrongdoing again. We also believe that they were well-deserved.
I'm glad that this topic can be discussed civilly here...when I broached this topic on my blog, people got VERY upset and some even said that they'll stop reading my blog because I plan on spanking my children!
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I was never really spanked as a child, but DH was. He says it was never in anger, and hopes we do the same when we do have children. I'm on the fence about it. Hopefully we will decide when the time comes. Whatever we do, I want to make sure that we are on the same page and work as a team. Nothing is worse than having a "mean" parent and a "nice" parent.
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@LinzR: OH YES... That too. It's basically a consistency issue. My mom was the disciplinarian and my dad just sat back.... That created waaaay more problems than us getting a spanking occasionally.
DH and I both give discipline and therefore both create a relationship with DS where we get to enforce boundaries AND talk through life issues. We're both the PARENT.. not the good vs. bad guy.
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@geekinheels: I agree. I'm glad this topic can be discussed civilly here. It's a touchy subject and it's so interesting to hear everyone's perspective on child discipline.
@linzhr, @runsyellowlites: I'll have to remember the consistency part. I'm naturally a "softie" while my DH is more of the disciplinarian. He's afraid that my son will always run to me when daddy disciplines him.
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@banana: I'm afraid that we will be the same way when we have a baby. I am the softy as well. When our puppy gets in trouble, I am always the one babying him afterward. LOL. DH is so far from being mean, I am just really, really soft.
Growing up my Mom was the disciplinarian, and my Step-Dad just laughed. Naturally we flocked to him.
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@banana: @linzr: DH and I ALWAYS agree in front of DS. If after DS has gone to bed I still feel something was done to strict or DH still feels like something was handled to soft by me then we discuss it and find a compromise. If it was DH that was too hard then HE'S the one that will go and correct/apologize/explain to DS and if it was me that was too soft then I get to go and implement a talk and discipline (which usually won't include a spanking but rather a boundary that if that thing is done again then he'll get a spanking). This way it's not me undermining DH or him overriding me.
It's worked great for us! =)
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@runsyellowlites: Sounds like you two are doing it perfectly!
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@runsyellowlites: What a great plan! I like the idea of always agreeing in front of DS. That way there's no confusion on his part and he knows that both of you are in agreement. I just hope my DH and I can be as disciplined when it comes to discipline!
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My husband and I were both spanked. I think it can be an effective form of discipline if used correctly. I'm not sure what we will do yet, but spanking isn't off the table.
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@LinzR: @banana: definitely one of those things that is GREAT on paper, but not always easy to do. lol. I guess ultimately it's about trusting your husband that what he's enforcing is because he loves y'alls child and sees what the child is doing as a possible issue to their character.
Not always easy, but this is why we discipline our kids so that's what he's doing.... do I always agree?! heck no!.. Especially since I was a single parent to DS from age 2-5... trusting DH to love DS like I do hasn't been totally easy, but DS has adjusted really well and like I said... we very rarely have to spank him. Great kid in our book and those that are around him. =)
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