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Is there an actual citation or reference that anyone has that it is not okay for the parents of the mom to be to host the shower?

@honeybear: Its so interesting that you worded your response the way you did because for me that need of the give and take (I got you a gift, therefore you must take the time to send me a thank you note) is what makes it a commercial transaction. I guess I give gifts because I want to - if I don't like a person or want them in my life, I won't get them a gift. I want to give them something that will make them happy regardless of what I get back for it. For me it comes down to pessimism vs optimism. You choose to believe that if someone doesn't write you a thank you note, they aren't grateful, whereas I choose to believe that they are. I'm obviously in the minority in my opinion and thats cool! I hope I haven't lost any friends through my non-thank you note giving, though!

@teawithpaloma: While I don't personally have a problem with a parent hosting you're cherry picking words from that - it's appropriate for anyone to host if there's a compelling reason (such as the example given). Hardcore etiquette people would still give it a side eye.

@honeybear: I suppose thats another of my assumptions - i never assume people have baby showers, engagement parties or weddings for free stuff!!!!

Can I ask how you know that people don't give a hoot about the gifts you've given, just because you don't get a thank you note?

Don't worry if you don't want to reply, we can just agree to disagree! I'm just curious

@ScarletBegonia: Well, a "shower" of any sort is simply a socially acceptable way to say "buy the guest of honor stuff." I don't think that there is any mean-spirited assuming on my part that a shower is held so that the honoree will be given things; that's the point of every shower I've ever been to. You can get married and have babies and decide you don't want a shower--or even a registry--in advance of either occasion (but you still have to write thank you notes for any gifts you happen to be given!).

As to my inference that the people who didn't bother to thank me for gifts don't care much about me...I haven't had to guess. They simply didn't put any further effort into maintaining our relationship.

@teawithpaloma: it has evolved to fit modern times.

I find it amusing that we all don't have the same definition of the etiquette rules. That makes the rules feel irrelevant.

@looch: Do you think that thank you notes are irrelevant? I'm genuinely curious. I haven't heard any persuasive arguments for jettisoning them thus far.

I think that if anything is irrelevant today, it's baby showers. The tradition was the product of an age when many people had babies when they were much younger. Same deal with bridal showers. I enjoy celebrating big events with my friends, but we all got married when we were already living on our own and had basic household stuff and we had babies at a point where buying the basic stuff we thought we needed for them was not a significant financial burden. I think the desire to keep the shower tradition and dump all the etiquette that was built up around it is a pretty clear indication of what showers have become to many people. As I've pointed out above, there are no etiquette rules stopping anyone from throwing a party to celebrate events and people in their life...these events don't have to be a shower.

Most of the etiquette stuff I really don't care about. I don't care about thank you cards in particular, but I do think it's rude to not even acknowledge receipt of a gift with a simple thank you. It doesn't have to be on paper...a text, email, phone call will do. If I give someone a gift and they open it in front of me and are appreciative then I don't expect or want a separate card. But if I bring a gift to a party and the recipient doesn't open gifts at the party or if I send something in the mail then yeah, I think it's a little rude to never be acknowledged for that gift.

To me it's similar to saying please and thank you. Do I think you're a terrible person because you don't say thank you when I hold the door open for you? No. But I do think it's a nice thing to do and it's something I actively work on with my LO.

The only thing I don't like are all out gift-grabs. I'm thinking along the vein of the woman or couple themselves hosting, but "hosting" entails a couple of dry snacks and soda, with a ton of evite "reminders" about all the gifts they need. I'm not into that kind of shower.

But thank you notes--I'm fine with a verbal thank you, a text, whatever. I want to know they received it, that's all.

The old etiquette I most want to get ride of is the tradition of thank you notes sent for flowers/food after a funeral. I think that's completely ridiculous. My mom was so stressed trying to keep track of all the people who delivered food or flowers after my dad passed, and then trying to settle his estate affairs while writing all the thank you notes. I kept telling her to just skip the notes, but I'm sure there are some etiquette enforcers out there that would be offended if the grieving family didn't spend their times writing thank you notes.

I honestly would rather people stopped being friends with me than expect a thank you note after my close family member has passed.

@honeybear: It depends. If I receive a gift, it is usually in person, someone is handing it to me. I open it in front of them and then I thank them. What's the purpose of a thank you note in that scenario? If I hand a person a gift, I do not need them to send me a thank you note.

Now, if someone sends me a gift in the mail or via another person, I will either call them or send them a note. If I send someone a gift, I don't get hung up on a note. It's not important to me.

My comment though, was related to the several posts that happened on this thread where people have said that they follow etiquette rules but then they are surprised to learn that a parent hosting a shower is a no-no. That shows me we all have different rules and being a stickler for them is kind of irrelevant when we're all on a different page.

@Anagram: I don't know if it's a cultural thing, but i always had to thank the person right away by phone as opposed to them waiting for a formal thank you card in the mail. In fact, it was seen as rude if i didn't call up the person within 1-2 days after receiving the gift. After my grandmother died, my dad invited anyone who helped to a dinner at a restaurant as a thank you.

@looch: that's a very good point!

@avivoca: @Freckles: Interesting. My mom lives in the South. And in Texas (that's sort of south and sort of southwest), when a close friend's mother died super unexpectedly in an accident, she was beside herself, but within a couple of weeks, she had an aunt call her and chastise her for not sending out thank you notes to people who sent flowers, donations, or food.

I told her she should tell her aunt to go F herself.