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Would you consider having two showers? Would your mom be willing to host one for the friends/family in that area, and you could have two smaller ones?

It isn't wrong that you're upset, though - it's pretty rude of your mom to basically tell you that the shower that somebody is thoughtfully hosting for you is inconvenient and asking you to make changes to a party you aren't throwing to suit her.

Where do most of the guests live? near your mom, or near the shower host? That's a factor we considered when having my (3) baby showers.

Could you have two separate showers, one for friends and one for family?

I wouldn't move it. I had my first shower at "home" because we lived far away. I was early in my 3rd trimester. I am having my current shower closer to me due to it being later in my pregnancy. Honestly my family travel to any where they want so I'm sure they will come for my shower.
I honestly feel like people will travel if it's within 2 hours (unless they physically can't). It's not about them, it's about you.

Keep the plans that you have. If it was that important to your mom, she could have put together a baby shower for you in the first place. Your friend is being very generous hosting a shower for you, and it would stink to interfere with that.

She's complaining about an HOUR drive? That's crazy. Where I live people drive an hour to get to work, go to doctor's appointments, out to dinner, etc. Thats city living. This just seems so insignificant. If I were you I'd keep your plans as is.

I'm confused. This is not how showers work.

Someone volunteers to throw the shower, then that person plans and hosts the party. That's it. Guest of honor doesn't decide where, geographically, the shower takes place.

All of which is to say: if Mom or relatives want you to have a shower that's local for them, they should stand up and offer to throw you one!

You can always have more than one shower: I think that is the best option unless your friend was really counting your family to round out the party attendees. Your mom's offer to pay for half the party still may change a lot of the party. Your friend would have to work with a different venue and food would change. Plus with money comes opinions about activity and theme. I think it's best to let your mom throw you a family only shower that is convenient to her.

@helloperidot: It sounds like from your update that the shower will be one of those milestone events where you either give in and and made your mom happy in the short term (not to mention how completely rude that whole scenario is to the hostess) but you resented it forever, or you finally put your foot down and set a new precedent that works for you. The longer you keep up the routine you're describing with events etc, the harder it will be to change and change expectations.

I don't think you can ask the hostess to move the party without being a terrible friend. I'm trying to imagine a scenario where I volunteered to host a shower and pay for it, and then later my friend asks me to change where the shower is located to a place an hour away and also start coordinating with her difficult mother who seems to pout when she doesn't get her way. I would probably back out of the hostessing duties. Does your hostess friend have kids, or a husband, or a life? Hosting a party far away means driving the 1 hour the night before or quite early in the morning to decorate and take supplies, then either hanging out at the venue all day, or driving the 1 hour back home to get ready for the shower, then driving 1 hour back to the venue, then back home after. You're turning a half day commitment to a full day commitment. Whereas showing up as a guest to a shower an hour away means driving there, enjoying the shower, driving home.

Are you okay with inconveniencing your friend and damaging that relationship to appease your seemingly difficult mother? That's something you should think about.

I also have a crappy relationship with my mother. I did not want to deal with any shower drama, and I certainly had no interest in hanging out with her friends (or my MIL's friends, for that matter). So I just told them I did not want a wedding shower or baby shower. That is how little patience I have for this crap. (I also don't really like showers anyway, so this was not a personal sacrifice.)

Anyway, your mother is taking something that should be about you and trying to make it all about her. Narcissist or not, that is a selfish thing for her to do. I see no reason why you should indulge her, especially since it would be rude to your friend who is hosting the shower.

I would say no firmly and say that the topic is off limits.

What do you think the root of the problem with your mom is here? Do you think she doesn't feel included and is acting out because of that?

I would not change the location of the shower.

I would see if there's another way to celebrate with your mom and relatives close to her - maybe a sip and see once the baby arrives?

The party should be convenient for you (the guest of honor) and your friend (the host). Anyone else is a guest and they can choose whether or not to attend. I would drive an hour for a baby shower of a close friend or family member for sure.

My MIL pulls the same crap where coming an hour to see her grandkids is "too far" yet she will drive literally past our town on her three and a half hour road trip to see her mom. Every month. It's infuriating. She complains that she "never sees them" but she refuses to stop for lunch or coffee because their tradition is t stop at another town thirty minutes past us.

It's only an hour away?! That's just ridiculous... agree with @MaryM:'s response too.

@MaryM: +1

i would not say anything to my friend at all.