Hellobee Boards

I am so, so sorry. This really stings when it happens. I have actually had one (close) friend completely fall out with me - as in, not replying to messages, unfriended on Facebook, the works - since I had children. She told a mutual friend it was because I had stopped prioritising our friendship and was not making time for her. Then I had another friend cancel plans with me last weekend after I told her I wasn't able to stay out really late and get stupid drunk because I had to be up with the kids the next day. I was up for a few drinks but wanted to be home by 1am. She text back a few hrs later and said she suddenly didn't have enough money to go out because something unexpected came up.... then I heard she went out with someone else instead. I guess you know who your real friends are.

The question is, will you be willing to forgive and forget if and when they enter this season of their lives? I must confess, I wasn't a good friend when the first of my friends had a child. I figured she no longer wanted to do the things we used to do but failed to initiate other activities that included her son because I just didn't know I needed to. We grew apart but she wasn't at all bitter and now I'm a parent we are close again. I'm so glad she never held it against me.

Did your friends used to continue to invite you right after you had your child and maybe now they've stopped because you turned them down a bunch? If you're interested in making the relationship work, you may have to be the one to initiate some get-togethers for a while, until they are used to the new dynamic. It can be especially hard if the things you used to do as friends aren't really feasible now that you have a child.

When my best friend had a child, we definitely had to adjust. Instead of going out, we started having sleep-overs! Since my place was bigger, she used to bring her daughter to my house on Friday nights and after her daughter was in bed for the night, we'd drink wine and watch TV and just talk. It became a ritual for us. And then when I had kids of my own, we had to adjust again. Now we go out to breakfast with our kids since we're all up early anyway!

It can sometimes take people a while to adjust to the changes in the friendship. I had a friend who I was really close to, but we definitely drifted once I had my kids. It wasn't until she had a kid of her own that we really started to reconnect again. Now we schedule playdates!

That's sooo tough. Have you told them outright that even though you have kids now, you still know how to have a good time? And that you can still go out and do things? I would tell them that you are hurt and you feel left out.

It's a little different but, I moved to NC about 11 years ago. At that time, it really felt like my best friend pulled away from me. She was still in the state we lived in together. I let it burn me up for a long, long time until I went to visit her one time and let it all out. There were a lot of tears and a lot of stuff to vent out but we got it out and our relationship only got stronger than it ever had been.

Note: my friend is childless by choice. I have a daughter (she is the godmother of).

Maybe your friends have decided together that since you're a mom, you don't want to be bothered. I'd sit them down and talk to them and let them know to bother you!+

I had kind of the opposite problem I was the last of my core group of friends from HS to start a family but the first to get married. So I finally feel like I'm in sync. I was not invited to kid stuff like birthday parties and felt left out.

It's kind of a catch 22, you would not have gone on the trip so their assumption was correct. But it's nice to be asked. I'd just talk to them 1x1 casually and be the one to make plans and initiate

This sucks and I can totally empathise. I had friends who just dropped off the face of the earth & others who just organise big group getaways without even looping us in on the planning (i.e. Just assuming we can't go). I understand that being on the periphery of such a group it's almost to be expected, but it still hurts a bit. I would not hold it against them forever, but if they drift back into my life when they become mothers I would def welcome them. Just coming to terms with the fact we are in different seasons of life, as corny as that sounds. Plus I'm too busy valuing sleep these days so I shouldn't really complain about the quiet social calendar!

I'm in no way excusing them for excluding you from their plans - i 100% see how that is hurtful, mostly because it sounds like you've been the 3 musketeers.
But I wonder if you've also made an effort to make plans with them? Maybe they do just assume you won't be interested and if you don't initiate then that just cements it for them. If you do try to initiate and they just say no, then I do think they are just completely in a different place than you and maybe you'll reconnect if/when they are moms.
I have single childless friends and a couple of things to say about them:
1) they def don't always include me in all of their plans. I do think they assume it will be hard for me to make it sometimes. But that's ok, I get it. Maybe they also just want to hang out with other girls who they can fully relate to sometimes.
2) if I ask to get together (a night out or a weekend away) they always say yes! I think they are waiting for me to initiate since then they know that I'll have childcare figured out and since I made the plans I want to go and won't bail, etc.
3) one childless friend of mine (my very best friend) had her first baby 5 months ago. And after she had her she said to me "oh. My. God. I am so sorry for not being there more for you since you had your son. I just didn't know how lonely and scary it can be. I just assumed you were busy and doing your own thing". I think so many women just don't know until they know and it's hard to figure out what the balance should be with that friend that is now a mom. But, would be nice of them to just ask!

Bottom line, I've just found that if I want to have an active social life, I have to be the one to initiate.

Or I'm thinking more - are either of them married? Is it possible one of them is having a hard time getting pregnant or miscarrying? Only wonder because that was hard for me when I was having repeated miscarriages and eventually going through IVF. Being with mom friends was hard so I avoided a bit.

#rambling