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First time mom-to-be vs. Experience moms

  1. JennyD

    clementine / 990 posts

    @Mrs. Sketchbook: yes! All my life I've been "the bigger person". And while there's something to be said for doing what's right, sometimes there has to be a line. In this case, my brother, sister and I are all adults, and now we've all got kids! It's time for a little more mutual respect for each other's families. I'm starting to feel resentful. I want to have nice relationships with my siblings and I want to help them, but I want something in return. Not much, just a sincere thank you or a tiny effort.

  2. JennyD

    clementine / 990 posts

    @lilybean: thanks

  3. Mrs. Sketchbook

    GOLD / nectarine / 2884 posts

    @JennyD: in all honesty I've never been able to get someone to change their behavior by continuing my regular behavior. I subscribe to the belief that relationships are self perpetuating systems that tend to repeat themselves. Which means one person has to change in order for the system to change. And since I can't control another person I try to be the one who changes. I try just to make myself comfortable with my own behavior and hope for the best with the other person, if that makes sense. I think we sometimes do things for recognition when in actuality people tend to take people for granted if they are always available. The more you do for certain people, the less likely they are to even realize you're going out of your way to help them. I think of it almost like enabling. So I'm to the point where I do what makes me happy/comfortable regardless of the recognition element, and then I don't have any expectations. I'm really into family systems psychology. It sounds like your mom wants to maintain a relationship with her son and wants to rope you into helping her to maintain it?

  4. JennyD

    clementine / 990 posts

    @Mrs. Sketchbook: my mom has a vision of what a family should be like and what role everyone should play. For example, my mom will call me and tell me my sister is having a rough time and I really need to call her and be a sympathetic ear. I will dutifully call my sister and I'm the last person she wants meddling in her business. So to me, my sister is ungrateful for being snappish with me when I went out of my way to try to help her, and really, she didn't ask for my help at all.

    I think what the three of us need is the space to establish our own relationships with one another without disappointing or hurting our mom.

    I really do understand that my kid's third birthday is not a priority for my brother. I get it. And he probably would get it if I wasn't into this baby shower. But in each case, we'll get a earful from our mom. So really, I need to be aware of this, remain objective in why I'm doing the things I'm doing, and try to gently explain myself to our mom.

    How have you gone about setting such boundaries? I'm not really good at maintaining them, so I tend to just cut people out entirely.

  5. youboots

    honeydew / 7622 posts

    @JennyD: sounds like a little therapy would not be a bad idea. It has helped me create and maintain boundaries with a different family. I have been seeing my therapist since July 14'

  6. Mrs. Sketchbook

    GOLD / nectarine / 2884 posts

    @JennyD: I have been working hard to establish boundaries with very spotty/uneven results. The theory of family triangles is extremely interesting to me and tends to inform my perspective on this. Here's an overview:

    http://www.mariadroste.org/2013/07/the-enmeshed-family-what-it-is-and-how-to-unmesh/

    In all honesty in my attempt to establish boundaries I have at times lost my temper. But I try when I can to use "I statements." Sometimes I plot out what I want to say in advance. I use text or phone to keep it less confrontational. I also see a therapist!

    Since I started working on family issues I have completely repaired a relationship with a cousin who was estranged from our family, completely repaired a relationship with a stepsister who had become estranged from our family (in neither case was I the source of the estrangement, but I finally put an end to it), completely rewired my relationship with my in laws to the point that they actually apologized for some hurtful behavior, totally gotten my dad to acknowledge his faults.... deepened my relationship with my siblings, deepened my relationship with my other stepsiblings, and stepfather....my mom is the holdout. She and I haven't talked for about four months but I sent the kids over to her place for breakfast (husband took them) and my mom asked my husband to talk to me on her behalf so I count that as success. It hasn't always been "pretty" but it has been extremely cathartic and it required me to stop being the "good" one and start being authentic. If you are looking for book recs let me know!

    ETA: the cousin and stepsister were estranged because of drama in the generation above ours...I just reached out to them and didn't include the people who caused all the trouble in the first place!

  7. JennyD

    clementine / 990 posts

    @Mrs. Sketchbook: that's fantastic! Families are hard work.

    When things were a total mess with our family a few years ago I saw a therapist weekly for a whole year. It made a huge difference for me. But I could use a bit of a referesher.

    What books have you found helpful?

  8. cat620

    pear / 1809 posts

    @JennyD: I am in a similar boat as you, since my DH and I were the first in his family to have kids. His siblings have no interest in our kids. They don't come to their birthdays, rarely give gifts or cards, and show them little attention when they see them in person. Even after I had each child, there was no acknowledgment that I had a baby until months later. His siblings are not currently expecting, but I'm not sure how I'll act when they are. I want to be happy for them, but part of me is keeping score, and I feel like we have been slighted by them. I don't have much advice for you. I think it's noble to try to be the better person, but it's hard to do.

  9. ElbieKay

    pomegranate / 3231 posts

    @JennyD: Your post about your mom hit the nail on the head. I suggest keeping your guard up against her attempts to triangulate. My mom used to try this with me sometimes when I was in my 20s. She would ask me to nag my sister for her since my sister was not receptive to our mom's nagging. I told her quite directly that there was no way I was getting involved. When I am in situations like that, I get very annoyed so it's "easy" for me to stop trying to be nice. Your mom is sabotaging your relationship with your brother and SIL by trying to add her own expectations into the mix.

    FYI, as a FTM I had mixed-to-negative feelings about hand-me-downs. I threw a lot of them out because they were sort of ratty or I just didn't like them. I wanted to forge my own path and make my own choices and mistakes.

    I think it's ok to step back and give yourself some breathing room and not buy into all these expectations of what kind of effort you should make and how that effort should be appreciated/responded to/reciprocated.

    Family relationships would be so much simpler if people checked their expectations at the door.

  10. ElbieKay

    pomegranate / 3231 posts

    Also, I recently found a fairly extreme message board about setting boundaries with families. Much of the advice is extremely unsympathetic to the other family members and in certain cases goes too far. It's high drama and a bit exhausting to read. But reading the stories there has helped me clarify the ways in which my MIL (and in some ways also my parents) drives me insane and helped me recognize ways to enforce reasonable boundaries and drop the guilt. I view this stuff similarly to parenting advice: Most advice will not be 100% what you want to hear, but it's good to get a range of ideas so that you can pick what you want from the Advice Buffet of Life.

    I don't especially care if you visit that board, and I'm not sure if I'm allowed to share the link, but just google "DWIL" and follow the link to a section of a fairly well-known parenting forum if you are interested.

  11. skipra

    pomegranate / 3350 posts

    @JennyD: sorry you are having family issues. We have experienced several issues with DH's family and communication and boundaries since our oldest was born. So sad that some of the most joyful parts of life can cause so many problems.

    @Mrs. Sketchbook: just curious how you came across that article? I have a family member that works there so I read the article and it is like it describes my DH's family to a tee. Thank you for sharing it.

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