Hellobee Boards

We said something like, "No gifts are expected, but if you must bring something, make it a card with a five dollar bill. M loves cards and is saving up for a wobble board. There will be gifts from parents and a tea party with cake and snacks."

I added the part about gifts from parents for those who would otherwise imagine with horror a birthday child with NO gifts whatsoever. You know. It was a big success. They were having so much fun playing at the party, that we never even got around to opening the parent gifts. We didn't end up with a lot of unwanted stuff, and she was able to purchase her wobble board. Some parents told me they really appreciated not having to shop and wrap gifts, so I call it a win-win.

I have heard about a “fiver” on HB. @Iced Tea: that’s a great way to share it too especially if the guest list are people you happen to know a bit outside of your kid.

I hate this. I like to take my son shopping and we pick out a present together for his friends, or I for children of my friends I like to think about what they like and what I think they'd enjoy. We've also gotten some cool toys that I'd never heard of from his friends. It seems like the next step is not to have a party at all, and everybody can just e-transfer you $5.

@Foodnerd81: This gets some serious side-eye from me. It's a birthday party, and if you don't want gifts, indicate that on the invitation. Otherwise people can bring-or not bring-what they'd like. For my son's recent birthday (he's mid-November so just in advance of the holiday gift craziness), I wanted to make it no gifts, but as I let him pick out toys for his friends on their birthdays, he was excited it was his turn to get gifts. Fine. We got 3-4 identical lego sets (it was a super hero party so they were attached to the theme), and I returned them to Target. He then has a G.C. to buy things he'd like, but he knew "A, R, W, and T got me that lego set!" No, a G.C. from returned gifts is not much different than the $5 concept, but the buyers don't have to know they got redundant gifts, and their kids can still feel excited with what they brought. If my son really wants a big-ticket item, I, as his mom, will get it, or his grandparents will.

I haven't heard of that. I wouldn't care if someone asked us to do that. Whatever.

When we've had the chance, it's nice to take my kid to a store and have her pick out a gift for her friend (or look online), but it reality, we don't have that kind of time, and all these classmate parties really just get generic 4yo/5yo/6yo gifts that I pick out.

I used to do NO GIFTS on their party invites, but people assumed that meant we wanted gift cards or felt bad not bringing anything and apologetically gave us gifts anyway or felt bad when they saw others bring gifts when they didn't - it was kind of a mess. I've gone back to not writing anything about gifts on the invite. I think many people want to be able to teach their kids about the joy of giving, and I want to teach mine to graciously accept gifts and send thank you cards, so that's working out for us.

But, like I always tell my kids, other people do things differently, and that's fine too!

I generally try to follow instructions regarding gifts, but this one would annoy me enough that I'd probably ignore it and just bring a regular gift. Asking for cash gets side eye from me, but stipulating an amount (even if it's small) would be a hard no.

For a small kid, no. The thrill of opening presents is what helps make a birthday party so fun. I’d say for an older child 8-10, this may be a better idea because they appreciate money a bit more. And as a guest, I wouldn’t mind sticking a fiver in a card and sending it away! So easy!

We always do no gifts for parties and so does everyone we know - we live in tiny houses with no storage and going to Target involves a schlep to the suburbs. But I know so many people whose friends ignore the “no gifts” thing that I think dictating gifts makes sense in that context. Also getting three of the same Lego set and returning them takes time I don’t have and my kid would definitely tell her friends I returned her gifts.
I also know a lot of people who are helping their kids learn the concept of money and saving up to buy something so I think this is good for that. We probably still won’t do it but I would be fine with going to one.

@Ms.Mermaid: Goodness, your daughter would inform her friends you returned their presents? You're right, that would potentially be hurtful. We open gifts at home and I peek in each one before he opens to see if there are things like multiples/things I would rather he not have and decide to return or donate. I wouldn't want anyone's feelings to be hurt. My son isn't quite taking inventory on how many gifts he got, so if I tell him he got X from 3-4 friends he wouldn't bat an eye. As for a Target trip causing too much time I don't have, with young kids, I make it there about once a month, so no problem to return at that time.

@ChiCalGoBee: my youngest got 3 Sophie the giraffes for Christmas at different events and my oldest immediately said in front of the gifter, “since L already has one, can I have one?” and has been asking what we did with the extras. I didn’t tell her I returned them bc she would definitely tell. Maybe when she’s a little older but omitting truth to be polite is a hard concept for kiddos. It was easier when she was two and I could open her gifts for her.

@LBee: I think you're right that it takes some time to understand saving for a toy. For me, the primary motivation for setting up a fiver party was to make things easier and cheaper for the guests. We are relatively privileged and don't need someone else to provide the gifts. But I'm keenly aware of families who aren't as privileged, since that was MY family growing up. We could only attend the parties of our best friends because we couldn't afford to buy gifts. Even for the few we did attend, I could see the stress it caused my mom to adjust the budget for gifts. She wouldn't let us arrive empty handed.

I think it's primarily this cultural impulse that you shouldn't arrive empty handed that prompts book parties, fiver parties, and toy swap parties. Even when you say "No gifts", most people don't feel right showing up empty handed, so these are easier-to-digest alternatives that don't cost guests a lot. I know my mom would have been immensely relieved to be able to send us off to parties with just five dollars and a simple card.

Reducing waste and clutter is a secondary consideration for me. Saving for a toy is a secondary consideration. Preventing my child from focusing primarily on the gifts, and instead focusing on celebrating with friends, is also a secondary consideration.

And like @Sams Mom: said, it's really a privileged position to make a blanket statement that if your child wants a big $$ item, the parents should buy it. That's not possible for a lot of families unless their community comes together to make it happen (like they might with a fiver party). For some families, this might even be the way they pay for the child's much-desired party itself. I remember how I wished for a skating rink birthday party that I could never have; maybe some parents can make a party wish happen if we can be flexible enough to give what's actually helpful instead of what we want to give.

@Iced Tea: I have thoughts, but we are going to have to agree to disagree. My entire point of all my posts is that the idea of dictating anything regarding a party reeks of privilege. In the case of your story, if I was trying to avoid that I would request if you want to bring a gift, bring a book you no longer need or a balloon. Or just a card. Why ask for cash? Your mom would have been immensely relieved if the birthday thrower simply requested a hand drawn card. Or a quarter. Children have no concept of money. My child is equally excited for a quarter as a five dollar bill (or even a penny). To you a $5 bill may be nothing, but it is to other people. If you want to remedy the not showing up empty handed ask for a penny or a quarter - or flowers from the person's yard.

ETA: I also don't think that people who have "fiver parties" are doing it to pay for the parties like you mentioned. I think it's because they are trying to make it easier for less privileged families - I contend that it just doesn't. That is why I say this is a first world problem. I also had parties I wanted to have that my parents couldn't afford - we just didn't have them. We didn't ask our guests to help me have my dream party. I survived.

This was all the rage last year in DDs social circle. Almost every party she went to was a 5er party. They actually requested 5$ to the birthday child and 5$ to a charity of the birthday child’s choice. I will admit it was nice as a parent not to have to stress about what to get, but when it came to DDs party towards the end of the year we didn’t do one. I felt a bit weird asking for specific amount of money. Also, I feel like it’s more for the parents than the child... my daughter loves opening her birthday presents and we got some really cool stuff that I never would have thought to buy her.