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What does that even mean, they aren't related? They're related in that they both require you to parent alone for multiple hours on the weekend, which is supposed to be family time. How does he not get that?

Have you tried a tit for tat thing? Say "fine, you can do this. But next weekend I'm getting a mani/pedi on Saturday and going out for lunch alone and to a movie on Sunday, deal?" Maybe thinking about having to do it himself next weekend will make him rethink?

I'm sorry. It sucks that he doesn't get it.

They are absolutely related. My husband is doing a (many hour long) fantasy football thing this weekend, so I told him not to expect to be able to go for a long run.

Weekends are for family time, or at least time away should be equal between parents.

I do have a girlfriend whose husband is gone for 4+ hours every Saturday morning to workout and I want to throttle him for her. It's unfair.

I don't understand the "they aren't related" argument at all. It makes no sense.

That being said, may not be what you want to hear, but I actually like when my husband schedules things for himself because then I feel zero guilt scheduling things for myself. So I personally wouldn't care, but that's because my husband also doesn't care when I schedule something for myself and leave him alone on a Saturday. As long as it's not EVERY Saturday. But once a month or less? NBD to us.

We also only have one kid so maybe 1 kid vs 2 makes a difference. I hope not though because I still want to be able to leave too Purely selfish reasons

@Ajsmommy: I'm glad this particular situation worked out but I'm wondering if you also get "you" time?

@Ajsmommy: Actually I totally understand you, I feel the same way, though sometimes I think personally I can take it too far (like I'll go to Target without my LO/DH on the weekend and get stressed halfway through that I'm taking too long and need to get back home). Sorry I wasn't meaning for my comment to come off as judgmental!

ETA: I wrote this before I saw your response to petitenoisette. WOH I can see why you don't feel the need as much. I thought the original complaint was more about him getting a lot and you gettin a little, so that was my misinterpretation. So feel free to ignore
@Ajsmommy: yeah 2 kids is something I still can't fathom. I have an FET next Weds and I'm still terrified.
That is a lot of "you" time for DH so I totally understand where your "hell no" came from now. I agree with @petitenoisette: that with that much time for him I hope you get some time for you too. Him taking the kids so you can rest is great - my husband does that usually one day on the weekend. Just to the park for 1-2 hours so I can be in our apt alone to do whatever. But I would also start scheduling some stuff for myself if I were you! I SAH so I try to do one night out with friends a month (minimum) and I freely schedule stuff on the weekend for myself (a massage or manicure or whatever). I've found that I just need to speak up and do it. I ask as a courtesy/formality but he knows that as long as he doesn't have a major conflict, it's happening. I spent too much time resentful that he was off doing things and I wasn't. And then I realized that it was my own doing - I didn't have to just sit home while he did fun stuff. I could do fun stuff too!
But again...one kid. I'm sure my husband will eventually be fine with 2 kids but I'm sure in he beginning it's hard! And you're still in the beginning.

Hugs and hope you get lots of you time in the near future!

@Ajsmommy: Oh man, lol.
I hear you on the me time thing. I absolutely want to spend time with my kids, and when I do get 'me' time I miss them and hurry home anyways. But I will say it is nice to get out with 1 kid vs. 2, Target run with just baby girl (or vice versa) is much easier.

My husband does a disappearing act to every other weekend. It drives me bonkers because he's efficient with his time. When I have alone time it's in support of the house. DH will get his hair cut and car washed for like 2-3 hours and bring his laptop. Technically, he's not relaxing, but he also isn't helping with the baby.

@Ajsmommy: Hard pass on that one for me.

My husband travels a lot for work, so when he's home in the summer he doesn't get to claim that he needs "me time." His me time is all the time he sits in his hotel room writing stories or vegging watching TV or eating with his friends. I love spending time with my kids but by the time he gets back we are all ready for a break and I will run away and do something for myself because I turn into a pumpkin at 6:45 pm when my youngest needs to go to bed and I'm solo-parenting.

@Ajsmommy: I am the exact same way. I am bad at self care and I probably should have more me time, but as a WOHM, right now I just prefer to spend weekends with kids AND husband, as a family together. I completely get how you feel; it's not WHAT he does that matters; it's that he's taking time away from family weekends. It'd be better if he takes block of time to go for the massage on weekend, and then make golfing wait till the next. And sometimes I get upset too like don't you WANT to spend time with us?! lol!

I wouldn't take issue with this, but I only have 1 kid and I'm aware that this makes my perspective different.

What I would take issue with is me expressing to my husband something felt unfair and him seeming to completely disregard it. Most relationship issues stem from problems with boundaries, though. You need to draw your line in the sand (with that line having compromising aspects of it) and simply say -- this is what I am cool with and this is what I need. It sounds like he's just genuinely not getting it so he might be someone who does better with very specific instructions. My husband isn't the type of person that I can use subtext with - in this scenario I would simply tell him he could choose one of those events during awake time and schedule the other for during nap (assuming everyone naps) or after bed.

@Ajsmommy: I'd flat out tell him no and to pick one. It's not about it being fair. To me it's about not disappearing for half the weekend, leaving me with the kids.

For us having two kids does get progressively easier. As LO2 gets more independent (being able to crawl and play) it gets easier. But leaving the house with a 3 year old and a baby is still not something I enjoy doing solo and would only do it if necessary. So if my DH left me for half the weekend, that means while he's gone I'm stuck in the house with both kids.

I think @Truth Bombs makes a good point. Assuming this isn't an every-weekend thing, I would probably be fine with it (that doesn't mean excited or happy about it necessarily...but I would tell him to go ahead). I understand your perspective of not needing me time. But it seems like your husband does, and that's OK, too. All this is moot if he's trying to play golf or do hours of other things alone EVERY weekend. But for a one-off, I don't think a massage one day and golf the next is that big a deal.

@Ajsmommy: oh god I see exactly where you're coming from. Where the hell is your 2 hour massage?!?!

I am super sensitive to losing family time on the weekends. DH goes rock climbing with a friend every Wednesday night (but it's after LO is in bed, so I just get to relax). 1 night a month, I go out with a girlfriend ... I'm more of a homebody, but I've learned that I just have to be intentional about my "me time". If I feel like there is an imbalance and I need to get time for myself, I just tell him, and we make it happen.

One thing we could be better at is date nights TOGETHER.

I think there is definitely a personality difference here where one person recharges more with family time and one person recharges more with alone time. I think it's okay for you to say that the way your husband chooses to spend his free time disappoints you, but you have to meet somewhere in the middle.

Perhaps you can schedule family time as a standing appointment. For example, have Saturday mornings and Sunday evenings designated as family time on the weekends. You pick one activity to do in each slot, like the children's museum and lunch on Saturday morning and dinner out and ice cream on Sunday night. Then you both get breaks/alone time with him golfing Sunday mornings and perhaps you taking a nap Saturday afternoons. Personally, I would also hire a Mommy's helper or a high school kid to come hang out with you while you solo with the kids. That way you can still spend quality time with your kids but have some extra hands. I would feel justified in spending the extra money since golf and golf lessons aren't cheap either.

I hope if you are doing the majority of bedtimes he's picking up the weekday slack elsewhere like dishes and laundry at night, getting the kids up in the mornings and doing daycare drop offs. The resentment about the weekday grind may be bleeding over to weekends. I would get that straightened out too and if he's going to golf lessons on Wednesday nights, I might have a sitter come and help with bedtime those nights and do the dishes for you while the kids sleep and go to the gym or join a book club or meet a friend for a drink.

I think you also both need to accept that life comes in seasons and you're just in a season with a toddler and an infant where its just an effing grind with working and parenting small irrational people. You may be looking for consolation in having these magical moments with your kids as a family to say it's all worth it, but in all honesty they're small and won't remember a lot of this stuff and it's a lot of work so for your husband it may seem like this sucks, why are we doing all this exhausting stuff after a long week. On the flip side, your husband may want to play golf as his consolation for the day to day grind of life, but he too needs to realize that's he's in a more exhausting and thankless season where golfing 6-8 hours a week may not be the best use of time and resources - especially if you're looking at the overall long term health if your marriage and family. He doesn't want you thinking back to this stage of life and have you feel resentful towards the fact that he wasn't around when you were wrestling a newborn and a demanding toddler, does he? It doesn't mean it will be this way forever, but for now, he may need to dial it back to golfing every other week and just be around his screaming kids and tired wife more. That's just where you are right now and he signed up for it. 🤷‍♀️