My husband recently had an aunt move near us after living on the other side of the country for many years. We have other extended family who live in our city, and they are all about 40 minutes away or less, but his aunt moved an hour and 15 minutes away from where we are. She is someone who enjoys hosting parties, and we have already been invited to three different parties before the end of the year. One is for Thanksgiving, one is an informal get-together, and the other is a Christmas party. Since we have small children and her parties all start in the evening, we wouldn't be able to stay long before having to head home. We want her to feel like we're making an effort, but I'm not sure how many parties we should feel obligated to attend. It's a lot of driving for us, plus we have to worry about the kids getting tired/cranky. What would you do?
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@aprild: I'd skip the informal one.
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I would pick and choose for sure. My family all get that traveling with little kids is hard, as is being up past bedtime.
I love pretty far from most of my family. My nephews first bday party is in a couple of weeks, 2 hours away. We are going because we aren’t going to see everyone for Christmas and it is his first bday. If we were going to see everyone at Christmas anyway we would probably skip.
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I’d go to one and ask if you can arrive 30 minuets early to maximize your time there.
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We would pick one and attend that one only. And honestly, at that distance we would probably stay overnight at a hotel and just let the kids stay up about an hour past their bedtimes at the party. But we are nuts about our kids sleep.
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So my MIL also loves hosting (like, LOVES - she does it any excuse she can and it’s alwyas over the top. Not fancy, but more food and stress than anyone needs) and they live a good 1.5 hours away. On a holiday it can be more like 2-2.5 hours because of traffic. For that reason we said no to Thanksgiving this year and she’s still kinda crying about it.
But due to distance and age of our kid/his schedule:1) we pick and choose. Basically we never go for anything other than a holiday. If she just wants a visit or a bbq - nope. Unless DH wants to take DS himself and I get a day to myself at home
2) the time is on our terms. Now DS is 3 and SLIGHTLY more flexible with bedtime. But for a long time there was no such thing as dinner at a normal time at their house. We were like “we can be there at 3. We have to leave by 5. End of story.” When we really stuck to our guns she knew we meant it and made plans accordingly. Even still we won’t drive to them until naptime. So we leave at about 1 and get there 2:30/3. We are able to stay till 6:30 or 7 depending on the day.Maybe It’s different because she’s MIL and her main concern is seeing her grandkids so she’s willing to make concessions for us
But maybe you could ask the Aunt to host things a little earlier? Even an hour or two would give you some more time.
If not, I would have zero guilt just saying it doesn’t work for you with young kids and maybe pick 1 party to show face at, if you really want to be nice.
But personally, I don’t care if someone’s feelings are hurt or they get mad that I can’t do something because of my kids schedule. They aren’t the one that have to deal with the stress before, during and after. I do.
When DS2 is born in Feb/March, I’m already planning to opt out of things for at least the first year. DH can go alone with DS1 if he wants but I’m going back to square 1 with the baby. -
I'd pick one party to attend and skip the other two.
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With 3 parties so close together I'd probably go to one. For one party I'd be willing to stay a little longer/leave at bedtime. I'd just plan on a quiet day at home the next day.
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I know this isn't the question, but I'm wondering if the aunt actually expects you to attend all the events. I am a person who loves hosting, and I would never want anyone to feel left out so I always invite everyone local when it comes to events where any family member is invite. I always try to reiterate to people whenever I see them that I don't expect them to be there for all the events, but I invite them to show that I'm thinking of them and enjoy their company, whenever it works for them.
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Looks like we are in the minority, but we would go to all the events that we don't have scheduling conflicts with. Our kids are 2 and 4 are pretty used to medium length drives like that and we are flexible with schedules.
That being said, there is no way we'd have 3 free weekend nights during the holidays, so we'd probably only end up at 1 or 2.
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I would go to the Thanksgiving party and possibly the Christmas one depending on the time.
Driving isn’t a big deal for us though, we live in the country and routinely drive an hour to get anywhere. But, the late party would be a no. We’ve done it a few times and it’s just not enjoyable with an overtired cranky kid. If you could go to the Christmas one and be able to stay longer than you’d be driving I.D say it’s worh it. I like PP’s idea of arriving a bit earlier to get in some quality visiting time. -
the drives doesn't seem far to me but i also don't have that many free weekend nights during december so i would probably only go to one! i'm like @Rocker2014: and just like inviting people but wouldn't expect them at all the events!
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