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Our preferred options aren’t financially well-off. So I bought a hefty insurance policy to cover all the kids’ needs and made the best guardian choice based on parenting style.

We picked my mom, then my brother/SIL (although SIL is not named because they once almost got divorced and I only want her involved if it’s a package deal), then in laws. Honestly none are perfect. All the grands are getting older and his parents are really in no shape to do it, it would really be hard for them. But if we AND my mom and brother’s family were gone, then they would be the best choice based on who would love them and try hard and find a way, even though I have really different opinions on parenting to them. My brother has kids roughly the same ages as ours, but we are pretty different as parents and I don’t really like to think about what it would be like esp for my sensitive oldest. But they would try and the kids would have cousins to grow up with. As for the financials, you can set up a trust so that you feel the kids’ needs are covered even if your mom or whoever can’t cover it themselves. Anyway, my mom is the most capable of putting our kids first, she’s still in great shape, they’re close to her, so it came down to that. And I know she would feel obligated to keep them connected to in laws. But I worry that that ability to manage it can change in an instant especially when someone is older.

DH was interested at first in people who are our friends who might parent like us - but truthfully, we don’t have the kind of lifelong close friends who we could ask. We have people who might say yes, but they would be strangers to my kids. If my kids lost us, my #1 priority would be people who could love them the most, make them comfortable, help them through it, and for us that’s family. I also worried with friends it would be really hard to keep the kids connected to their grandparents etc, since the friends would have their own obligations. So ultimately we decided against this though I could see it working for some in different situations.

We went through this over the summer, and went with close friends that have two daughters close in age to our child, who share the same values and parenting styles. My parents and siblings are loving people but severely dysfunctional or not financially stable (or both). My husband is estranged from his father, and his mother is a lovely woman who would devote herself to our child(ren), but she takes care of my husband's brother, who is physically and developmentally disabled, so not only would it be a severe additional burden on her, I honestly don't want my child to have to live her life taking care of and/or playing second fiddle to her ill uncle (which I know is selfish and horrible, but it's how I feel). My BIL lives with his long-term girlfriend and they have three children between them, and while he's great, they aren't super financially stable and they live in a very rural midwestern town where I would not be comfortable raising my biracial children. We have a second on the way, so we need to reassess and re-ask our current appointed guardians if they're comfortable with the potential of taking on two children.

TLDR - It's all very complicated, and sometimes immediate family is just not the best choice, so we went with people that have shared values and parenting styles, that we trust would love our child like their own, and hope that it's never actually necessary.

We picked the person who has exhibited the most respect for our parenting rules and we trust would continue to make decisions for DS like we would. That person is my sister. Both of our parents love him dearly but there’s no way they would raise him the same way we would.

We do have life insurance that would be in trust to my sister.

We chose my in laws for the time being. They are the most financially stable and while age is a concern they are about 10 years younger than my parents. We will probably reevaluate in a few years. My husband’s younger sister is getting married this summer and now that her career has been established we will likely switch guardianship to them.

We went back and forth on this as well. He wanted his Dad and Step-Mom and I wanted my parents. His Dad is well off, financially, so raising two more kids probably wouldn't be as big of a burden to them. BUT we also have some substantial life insurance, which would help cover the costs of raising our kids. Ultimately we decided that my parents life-style was more geared to raising kids and that my parents were already more involved in our kids' lives so it made more sense. Hub's Dad and Step-Mom travel multiple times a year and seem to be reveling in their post-kid raising years. When they aren't traveling, they are working 12 hours a day for their business. I ultimately felt like they wouldn't WANT to raise our kids (although they would, of course, do it if needed). My parents on the other hand work more stable normal-hour jobs. They are still home-bodies. And they are also well versed in my kids' food allergies. I just felt more comfortable with my parents raising them and Hubs didn't feel as strongly about the subject as I did, so that was that.

We picked my older BIL because he is the most responsible and financially secure sibling we have. He and my husband are very close. My parents are older and frankly I want my LO to see people waking up going to work everyday. His parents IMO have questionable patenting techniques. We have life insurance, other investments, and a college fund, so I am not concerned about LO having a big dramatic lifestyle change if we go. However, I did not want someone supposed to be caring for him to all of a sudden see him as a payday. We need to make everything legal, but for now all parties that need to know do.

Ugh...we are going through this right now. And we are stuck.

We have 3 sets of grandparents (my parents are divorced and both remarried) and 3 siblings (DH has a sister, I have 2, all married with kids).

*Grandparents - out. We have discussed loosely with all of them. They all agree with us for age reasons its not the wise choice. We have expressed to my mom that in the event of something catastrophic, we want her to immediately move in to our house and handle the transition to the new normal. She is the one who the girls would be most comfortable with. We have expressed in writing and many times verbally that we expect heavy involvement from all grandparents, but there is nothing formal to document that.

*My oldest sister - while geographically she is the closest, there are some issues with her parenting style (and her husbands). We both agree she is not the right choice.

*My middle sister - she is probably the right choice, but geographically the kids would relocate, which bothers me. However, I can see the plus of a "fresh start" for them at that age.

*DH sister - pretty much the same as my middle sister. Except I think DH and I agree we do not like her husband as much. He is not as involved, and absorbing 2 younger kids into their family may be too much for my SIL.

*Friends -the friends we are closest to, do not live locally. My BFF and DH's closest friends would all be good choices to consider except they dont live near where we live.

So - we're stuck. We have life insurance so that finances are not an issue. Depending on who we pick we may structure the will differently - depending on the money habits of the family we select. We will then approach them and ask if they are comfortable.

We haven't named guardians because we can't find someone suitable

Grandparents - automatically out. They're all in their 60s now and wouldn't be able to keep up with the kids and their activities.

My Brothers - out. One is very financially insecure and struggles with addiction and the other is only 25 and finishing college. I guess the younger may be a possibility in a few years.

DH's Sister - I feel like this is the choice everyone would expect us to make, but I'm so glad that DH agrees that we aren't a big fan of her parenting style.

DH's Brothers - One is similar to my brother (financially insecure, addiction). The other would be a wonderful choice, but their son is grown and about to get married and I don't think they'd want to enter into the world of young children again.

Friends - My BFF would make a wonderful guardian, but her husband is not crazy about being a dad and struggles with the one child they have. I worry about the kind of influence he would be on our kids. We are named as guardians to their son, however.

Ugh, this is so difficult!

We picked my sister. She's single and goes out a lot with friends, etc but she LOVES our daughter and has said she'd give up her lifestyle, move into our house, etc. to take care of our daughter. We didn't want to pick either of our parents as his parents are crazy and not who we want raising our kids and both sets of parents are older and it would be hard on them to raise a child.

This was very difficult for us. My parents aren't in the best of health and live in a quiet farm area that really how zero opportunities. My younger sibling is care free and wants to be child free. My older sister is my top pick but also stuck in the small town and lives pay check to pay check with her husband and kids. I want her to raise my child(ren) if I can't but my husband says no due to the finances and region.

He has a horrible relationship with his brother so that's a no and I can't say yes to his parents. While I love them, I don't want my child(ren) to grow up with grandparents.

So with that said we chose a wild card. My husband's best friend and his wife. They have one daughter a year younger than ours. The only hang up is our little one isn't exactly close to them since they live a few hours away. They would be away from our families too. They would care for her like their own and are a great family of faith. They are financially stable and sound and would raise ours the way we would essentially. We chose who would raise her as close to the way we would if we aren't here. We have only told/asked them. No one else knows and if they did it would be a huge deal.

Our options were:

- my parents - no. My dad is a smoker and while my mom is great with her grandkids I don’t think she’s in that mental state at all. She would do it and love them but I think she’d also be a bit frustrated since she works and she’d either have to quit what she enjoys or find childcare which is dumb because she is commission (real estate agent).

- my ILs - NO. Yea they are financially stable and my MIl hasn’t worked for 40 years so she has all the time in the world. But, I strongly disagree with their parenting style and some of their morals and I’ll be damned if they impart that on my kids.

- my BIL and his wife - not the worst choice but they struggle financially and have a newish baby themselves. And they are so adamant about only wanting one kid, so I feel like they would be a little annoyed to suddenly have 3. They live in a small apt and would have to move, etc. We would provide a lot of financial support for them in our passing but it would still be a pain.

- my brother - HELLLLL NO. 32 single and he’s a train wreck. I can’t even.

- my sister & BIL. She is who we chose. Because she is stable and has 3 kids, one being same age as my older son. I mostly agree with her parenting style and we have the same beliefs. I think it would be HARD to suddenly have 5 kids but her older two are currently 8 and 11 so they are pretty self sufficient and would help with the younger ones. I just trust her completely and she’s in that stage of life.

We decided to go with my brother & SIL. They have 4 kids already so adding 2 more into the mix wouldn't be too bad, I hope. We considered my husband's sister but their kids are all now in college and I don't know if they would want to start again. My MIL has Alzheimer's and her husband is nuts so they are out and my parents are in their 70's so I wouldn't want to do that. We have a trust and good life insurance so my brother would be generously compensated for taking the kids in.

If I were you, I’d pick your in laws and call it a day, knowing that the enormous overwhelming likelihood is that it would never be the case that they’d need to step in. The nyc sister isn’t going to want to, it’s not the kate Hudson movie, and doesn’t sound like anyone else you have is as good a candidate.

We chose my brother and SIL who are very similar to us, and we are their back up plan too. But not everyone has this. I think just get it done and know that you will be ok and you will be the one to raise your babies.

ETA also: if you pick no one, the state chooses what happens to your kids. What could possibly be fucking worse than that.

We chose friends of ours that raise their children very similar to the way we raise ours. They have similar family values, activities and lifestyle.

Our parents already raised their kids and their role would remain grandparents if something happened. family is important to the guardians we chose and they would maintain regular contact.

DHs sisters: one is divorced and dating, but we wanted a solid married couple. Another is married but her lifestyle and child rearing is completely different from ours.

My brother is single and lives many states away. Presumably he has zero desire to hold this role.

It originally felt weird to choose non-family, especially since none of our siblings have glaring, obvious marks against them. But they are our kids and it is our job to make this decision.

ETA: we have generous life insurance policies and all our assets are in or will move to our trust upon the event we pass. We also intend to write a letter indicating the $ is to be used on our children in order to maintain the lifestyle the guardians family lived before our passing. I.e. trips to Florida don't need to stop because there are two extra plane tickets to buy.

We chose a cousin and her husband. Thy are the most like us world view wise, religions wise, education wise, and child rearing wise. We have arranged for life insurance to help cover costs. And of course we asked them!

We were lucky to have a lot of options and to have enough in life insurance to cover the costs of raising the kids. Our decision tree was 1) do they have enough energy to raise young kids? Our parents don't. 2) would the dog be welcome? (seriously a major deal breaker. Two siblings are out for this) 3) would they make sure the other family was involved?

We were left with my sister and DH's brother and sister. We knew my sister would uproot her life to move into our house, while my in-laws have their own lives. Ultimately, I told her it is her job to make the decision and if she can't do it, then the kids go to my BIL whose kids are the same age.

It’s so hard.

We ended up choosing my older brother and my SIL. We strongly believe in having our boys stay with family. They already have kids and would be able to take our boys in. I imagine they would have to completely change their lives since they live in Brooklyn, but they were our best choice.

We ruled out our parents because they are all in their upper 60s and we didn’t feel like they would be up to the task. My DH’s sister is kind of flighty. She is getting married this year, but we don’t feel like she is responsible to deal with the task of raising 2 boys.

I have no idea In laws and my mom is out because of age/family situation. I have one sister but she's single and not a kid person at all. My husband has brothers and sisters with kids but they live on the other side of the country. His one brother and SIL have put us in their will if something happens to them - they have one son who is 12, so I feel like they are in a different place in life than we are (a 2.5yo and new baby on the way). Plus I can't imagine my little kids moving across the country. Ugggh.

We are both the oldest kids, so our parents are a little younger than some of you, but we ended up choosing my parents instead of my in-laws because we prefer my parents' parenting style, faith, and interactions with the kids (the in-laws literally cannot play with the kids more than 5 minutes before pulling up a screen). Another negative with my in-laws was their health and lifestyle makes me unsure they'll last till the kids are independent.

Our backup is DH's sister. She lives close and my kids know her and their one child. Getting two additional kids would basically wreck their plans, but we don't anticipate my parents saying no.

Third choice is my single brother who's about to graduate college. The kids love him and I'd be shocked if it came down to him.

Our kids are so young, we really wanted to prioritize a familiar environment and someone with energy to parent closely to how we would.