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Was she more specific with what you did "wrong" to hand over your experience to the medical staff? I don't like that she's blaming you for a traumatic birth experience. You're going through labor...it's difficult to advocate for yourself when you're in a heap of pain because a child is exiting you.

@Cherrybee: I honestly want to give that midwife a piece of my mind for you. It's infuriating that she's blaming you, and indicating that you have to be more specific with your language in your birth plan about what YOU can do to help things be better. Just...no. The fact that you were asking for pain medication and the midwife didn't believe you were in active labor infuriates me. I wan to come and be your advocate while you're in labor!

@Cherrybee: It took me a long time to let it go, and most days I'm okay with it now. I sort of knew going into the end of the pregnancy that I would have no interest at first - I felt zero connection with LO (no interest in ultrasounds, kick counts, any of it...), my grandpa warned me about how my mom reacted to my birth (it wasn't happy I guess), and I hate holding newborns. I talked with DH a lot about it, so he knew to take care of LO until I was ready. Thankfully DH is a baby person. Don't feel badly about it, our bodies, hormones, and thoughts do strange, strange things. The days I'm not at peace with it, I remind myself that I did what I needed to do to make sure LO was safe and loved - even if I wasn't the one giving him snuggles.

@DenverMom: I agree. I didn't use a doula, but felt incredibly supported by my medical team throughout my experience. It seems like a doula would be a worthwhile investment for you in all of this.

@Cherrybee: ugh...your midwife. Noooo. You know, there were specific things that I really didn't like with my first birth that I wanted different in my second--nothing big like your issues, but small things like I wanted to wear a bra while laboring (the nurse at my first hospital was a total bitch about that).

Of course, this time, a lot of those issues were moot points because I had the baby 10 minutes after arriving in the maternity ward, but as soon as the nurse came in and told me to take of ALL my clothes and put on the gown, I just shouted "NO! I'm keeping my bra on!" very forcefully...probably too forcefully. But I could already tell this nurse was going to give me trouble about wearing a bra so I just went balls-to-the-wall. I mean, it helped that I was basically in transition and in no mood for any BS.

Other things----just steel yourself for a fight on the things that really matter to you, and don't count on your husband to do it (unless your DH is more forceful than mine is). My husband is great, but he's a rule follower and doesn't like to make waves, so I can't count on him to tell nurses No for me when they tell me to do things that I KNOW are optional.

My two big things were: I wanted to wear a bra, and I wanted an iv port instead of an IV (or whatever the thing is called that goes in your hand so you can still walk around). And I had to be a B, but I got both of those things, but I had to be forceful bordering on rude, because my first nice question "(ie. Do I have to take off the bra? I prefer to keep it) didn't work. SO then I just flatly said...NO, I'm keeping it on.

Maybe you can write in your plan "I will request ......." for the things you want them to do. Just to appease your midwife. Although I think it's BS.

I don't know how to do this exactly, but remember that while it might not seem that way, you are the one who is in control and who, for the most part, has the final say.

I recently had an experience where an OB sent me to Labour & Delivery and I got caught up in "the process" - first fetal monitoring, then sent for an ultrasound that I was originally told was unnecessary, then back to fetal monitoring, then they said that everything was fine but I couldn't leave until an OB cleared me -and I was getting very upset and very stressed and then I realized that really, I was in charge and I didn't HAVE to do any of this stuff. So I told them I appreciated everything they'd done, and I left. And I felt SO GOOD about standing up for myself.

I see that you've put be more assertive about asking for what you need on there, which is basically the same thing I think I'm saying. Just remember that while the medical professionals might know the medicine best YOU know you best.

I think what your midwife said was BS. I think your birthplan is outlining what kind of treatment you expect to receive and that is being empowered. But if your language in the birth plan pisses her off so much, then start each sentence with "I will demand that the midwives....(insert whatever)," "I will require (blank)," etc. Make it more active tone - eye roll.

Frankly, if that is the way they are going to treat you now, I would definitely just be ready to be *that* lady in the ward when you arrive. I have no idea what its like to give birth in the UK, but I had a failed induction that turned into an emergency C-section after 36 hours. I had a birth plan that was respected and even though things progressed in ways I hadn't expected, I went in with a very open mind, nothing was super rushed, and I felt in control and informed during the labor and delivery process.

HOWEVER, things sorta derailed once I got to the mother-baby ward. I guess I didn't realize I'd have to plan for the recovery as well and I felt totally out of control. I gave birth in a baby-friendly hospital, my milk didn't come in for a week, my son had jaundice and so the NICU nurses (who advocated formula to help his jaundice) were fighting with the maternity ward nurses (who are LCs and believe in EBFing) and I was trapped in the middle with a screaming baby going on a week with no sleep. Someone was in and out of my room every 15 minutes, my son was screaming bloody murder nonstop while rooming in with us, and the birth certificate clerk (a man) kept barging into our room every 5 seconds asking if we'd decided on a name yet while I was trying to learn to breastfeed. It was to the point my husband had to physically block the doorway and belly bump the guy out of our room like a bouncer. At some point I went into the shower and started bawling and lost it and I had to call a meeting with the head charge nurse to tell her how I was having a completely awful time.

After that meeting, basically no one was allowed to come into my room without clearing it with my shift nurse. Like, they put a sign on my door that required visitors to page my nurse. No cleaning people, no food service people, no birth certificate clerks, nada. My shift nurse came in to take my vitals, give me my pain meds, and to introduce the next shift nurse before she left. After that, it was a much smoother experience.

I'm due with LO2 in May and based on our earlier experience, I will be adding a lot more detail to my birth plan with regards to recovery. And DH and I are going to request to speak to the head nurse and my shift nurse as soon as we arrive in recovery and request the same treatment as last time. We are determined to have a name ready before we go into the hospital (we HAD a name last time, we just couldn't settle on a middle name!) My husband says he is walking into the hospital with formula nursettes in his bag and will feed the baby formula himself if our baby ends up with jaundice again.

My husband is a strong advocate for me and he did awesome during our first birth. But our experience has taught us both we need to be just as prepared for the recovery portion of our hospital stay, so we're just going in knowing what our demands are in regards to that and be more aggressive this time.

You got this mama!