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If this were me I would tell DH you will give it 6 months and then decide to look for a job or stay home full time - I don't think you have to make a decision the moment you move.

It doesn't sound like guilt ... it sounds like fear. And, of course it's scary. Nearly everything about your day-to-day routine will be changing.

I'd take some time to chat about the pros and cons. It doesn't sound like you'll be unable to work (it's just the preference).

I think many women go through the fear of not having their own income, etc. I know you'll get a ton of support on here in that regard.

Maybe this transition will happen, and you'll totally love it!! I'd say that only time will tell. It sounds like a good solution for your family, overall.

I 100% understand where you are, because I was there too. Except I was miserable at work and struggling so much. I felt like everyone believed I should work, and I worried I was throwing everything away, even though we can live on my husband's salary and in truth I was throwing away my time and energy to a job I didn't love. It took me 6 months to work up the courage to resign. Therapy legit helps me sort through my fear/guilt/feelings/thoughts. It's a process that is still ongoing. The things I did that helped me were: I had a plan (take the summer off, take care of myself, plan on perusing PT options i researched heavily before I resigned come the fall), I left in a way that would make it very easy to go back if I change my mind, and reminded myself over and over that no decision is permanent. Maybe try journaling? That can help sort out your thoughts and review them objectively to sort out which are really true and which ones you need to actively contradict in your head. Good luck with whatever you decide!!

@smocks: I was a lawyer for 8 years and left my job to stay home a few months ago. It has been a good move for our family and overall easier for me than I expected. I actively disliked my job and did not see myself practicing law long term, so that made the transition easier. I felt like it might be closing the door forever on my legal career, but I hated it anyway so good riddance. If I had been in a career I saw myself returning to, I may have tried to stay on in a very part time role or freelance.

We made a giant pro/con list when we were deciding if I should stay home. The pros were things like less illness, someone always available for the kids, time when we're together can be fun instead of stressful cooking dinner and doing housework, and vacation days can be for actual vacation instead of doctor's visits. The con was basically my income and job potentials in the future. The written pro/con list was helpful.

Another thing we have been very clear on is that this is a family decision that benefits everyone. I truly don't have the feeling that our money is any less mine because I didn't "earn" it. My husband is able to focus on his job better and be present at the office more because I'm home to deal with the kiddos.

I think you shouldn't worry about this now.

It looks like you have a year out before any of this becomes a reality and a lot is going to change in that time frame. Your 4 year old I assume would be starting full-time school, and in that case you're really just SAHMing for the most part with a 3 year old. That 3 year old is probably going to benefit from maybe going to preschool a few hours a week or classes and activities, so you're not necessarily just sitting at home with a screaming toddler.

That's going to leave you with time to do stuff for yourself, not get too overwhelmed with SAHMing two kiddos, and get you into a groove as a SAHM before you have the summer home with 2 kids full-time. By that point, you will have had a school year to dip your feet, both kids should be done with naps, and you can have lots of fun as a family, including DH when he's off work.

What I would do in the next year is work on what you'd actually LIKE to do. See this as a gift and an opportunity to make a pivot in your career and find something you ENJOY doing and are passionate about. Once you find what you like doing, you can figure out a way to monetize it. And even if it ends up being a side hustle that doesn't bring in much money, it may scratch that itch in terms of "contributing."

Finally, there's no "wasting" seniority and experience in a job or career you don't like. Its actually more wasteful and frankly more harmful in the long-run to your mental health if you feel trapped in a job you're unfulfilled in just because you have time in. Its called golden handcuffs for a reason.

Perhaps you can explore ways you can keep the door open with your current company or see if you can move to a contractor position so that you can work more part-time or whatever.

@smocks: similar situation -- never grew up wanting to SAH (or really knowing anyone who did...very blue collar area), was quite successful at my job but didn't feel that passionate about it, and eventually SAH due to circumstances of DH's training/job. here's what has helped me:

- looking at it as "retirement" from my job, not SAH. i've gotten flack for calling it that. but my point is: no one gives anyone shit if they say they want to retire at 30 (or 40 or whatever). no one comments on whether they're "wasting" whatever degree they earned, etc. i worked hard for 10y and now, financially, do not need to anymore. regardless of whether i'm now doing leisurely things, taking care of my kids, or whatever (none of their business anyways!), wouldn't most people retire early if they can? isn't that the whole point of playing the lottery!? and i supported DH for the 10y i worked, so i have no problem living off his salary now.

- looking at it as a family decision that can be revisited often to make sure it's still the best decision for our family. with the moves, we decided that stability for our kids was important, and that stability came from me (almost) always being home and available, whether that means with them all day, picking them up from school, there when they are sick, or whatever. likewise, DH doesn't need to worry about most home things, so he can put his efforts into building his career. things might change, but so far, it's still made the most sense to be home.

- looking at the things i lose out on if i do go back to work. i'll still have to do a bunch of the things that i dislike about SAH/running a household/whatever. it's the little things for me that i will no longer have time for: running, building a village in our new city far from family, some amount of relaxing & recharging. i'd rather be able to do that stuff than fulfill someone else's vision of what i should be doing with my life/degree/etc.

@smocks: I guess mine is kind of different. I don't necessarily want to stay at home, but we have been talking about me taking a school job (something clerical) so that I can be off when the kids are out of school, or working part time when they are in school so that there is more time for me to take care of the day-to-day things.

Right now, me working FT and my husband working FT isn't really working for our family, especially with him traveling as much as he has, because we are all so busy. Case in point: I'm extremely overdue for an oil change because I haven't had the time to take it in between work and caring for both kids solo. So if I can find a job with school hours, we are thinking it would be a better fit for our family and we'd have more time to enjoy together.

I'm a big believer in the concept of life being about seasons and maybe this is just the season for you to focus on your family and have a change of pace / lifestyle. Give it six months and then see how you feel about the change.

And staying at home doesn't mean your brain has to go to mush (or that you're throwing away your education), you could always use it as an opportunity to upskill or do some part time study, or you could volunteer at a local organisation that you come into contact with via your kids (in my experience people are always looking skilled volunteers!).

I think you just go for it.

I also have a good education and had a great job at a company that I had a lot of promise at (the VP and I met regularly) and I could have been very successful- but like you it was not my passion. But DHs career took off and I ultimately left to be a self employed photographer knowing that I could help his path and take it a bit easier and down the road raise a family. It did not feel like a great sacrifice.

My daughter benefits from a parent with an education and work experience both being self employed and working in the corporate field. It was not a waste it prepared me for this season. Well I closed my business and reopened it in a year and a half. Nothing is static.

Our philosophy in our family is as long as our roles are working for everyone then we are good. If not we need to solve the imbalance till everyone is happy again then revaluate as needed. Communication is key for us. I love being mostly SAH. DH also travels a ton so I think even though our situation has challenges I would be very unhappy working FT. It's what works for our family right now, but that could always change.

@smocks: Is your older child going into kindergarten next year? I don't know if this is your cup of tea, but maybe you can take on being the room parent or on the executive board of the PTO/PTA?

@smocks: They're always looking for volunteers. I was the room mom for my son's class this year and now I am on the exec board of the PTO. It could also lead to other opportunities, you know?