A friend is currently miscarrying. I really want to help her but I'm not sure what to say or do... Can anyone who has gone through this please share what was most helpful to you during this time?
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At first, I try to send a blanket "I love you" and offer to either talk or do something distracting, whatever they prefer.
The thing that meant the most to me when I went through losses was not what people said right away, but when people continued to reach out and let me know they were thinking of us and asked me how I was doing.
Whatever you do, stay away from platitudes. Don't try to explain it away or say why it might have happened or that everything happens for a reason or try in any way to make it "better." Follow your friend's lead and listen to them and encourage them to feel whatever they're feeling and grieve however they need to grieve (for as long as they need to)
I was thankful for the few people who approached me to say the situation flat out fucking sucks. Being validated can be very healing.
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You are a good friend already for wanting to support her. My advice is always to say "I'm sorry for your loss" and see if your friend wants to talk and let her lead the way. She may want to be alone for awhile but may want to talk later, so don't close the door on it if she turns away at first. If you think she needs time, maybe send a text first and ask if she wants to talk or get together and take it from there.
As MaryM said, try to stay away from saying things like it was better this way, or at least it happened early, or you can try again soon, or whatever. She will need to mourn the loss first and it's harder to do that when people minimize it (even with good intentions).
The most important thing is to not pull away, even if you feel awkward and don't know what to say. My MIL has done this thing twice now where, after my losses, she never says sorry, never even gives me a hug or asks me how I am doing, and basically just acts as if everything is normal and like I was never pregnant. I know she checks in with DH and I think she believes she is giving me space, but from my perspective, it is very hurtful.
Edited to add: If you are pregnant, be prepared for your relationship to possibly get rocky for awhile. Also be considerate when talking about baby stuff around her. My friend was about 7 months along when I had my last mc and she was great to me for like 2 days and then forgot about it and started complaining about how hard her pregnancy was every time I saw her. I would have given anything to be in her (swollen) shoes.
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Definitely continue to reach out to her. Go by her house, drop off some food, and just visit with her. Ask her about her experience. No one wants to talk about miscarriages, and when I had each of mine I was desperate to talk about them. Vocalizing what happened was an outlet for me, and it made my babies more real.
Never say it happened for a reason, or "at least now you know you can get pregnant", or any of that stuff. It just effing sucks, there's no words that can make it better.
Plan a movie night or dinner night in a week or two weeks. Give her a reason to get out of the house.
Don't be surprised if she breaks out into tears over really weird, inconsequential (to you) stuff. Not only is she grieving, her hormones are a mess.
And if she wants to talk about it again two, three, six months from now, don't shy away from the subject!
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First, can you offer to help out? Like walk her dog or bring dinner? While miscarrying is emotional hell, it is also physically taxing and I need help with the small stuff.
Second, don't try and comfort her. There may never be another baby, so don't promise. The reason for the miscarriage is not important.
Lastly, don't forget. It's going to weigh in her for awhile. I had two miscarriages and it still hurts. Every missed birthday (due date) stings. Don't assume she'll just get over it, even if she does have another child.
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Also, at first I appreciated people who texted or emailed. Unless your friend is REALLY big into talking on the phone, I'd stick with media that allow her to passively know you're thinking of her without her having to talk if she doesn't want to. Or gives her time to respond if she needs it.
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I echo previous posters. "This sucks" was by far the most supportive thing anyone could say to me.
Also, I highly suggest continuing to reach out, and, though it can be uncomfortable, don't fail to acknowledge that this baby was very, very real. People tried to "explain away" my loss as well, and it made me withdraw.
Follow your friend's lead. I felt like the people who knew about my miscarriage knew me well enough, but I tried to talk to a friend about it a month or so later, and she was obviously uncomfortable and changed the subject. It's fine, we're still friends, but I certainly wish she could have said something supportive (or at least let me talk, instead of changing the subject.)
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@Pollywog: agree. @Glitter: ask about the due date if you don't know it already and call her to see how she's doing that day months from now.
If she will allow you to, I would just go over and sit with her.
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Does she have any older kids? If so, definitely offer to take them so she can rest.
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It's so hard because everyone handled things differently.
For myself, I found it hardest in the weeks and months that followed the first few weeks, because the immediate concern everyone showed had mostly faded and it was as though the baby never existed. I really, really appreciated friends who showed continued support and checked in, just to see how I was doing.
We celebrate the baby's due date every year, so I agree with pp who say to find out the date and check in with your friend around that.
Another thing that meant a lot to me was that although most people never ever mention the baby I miscarried, one friend had said a few times that she thinks about the baby a lot. I loved that, that the baby left its mark on someone and is remembered by more than just us.I have to say though that my husband is the opposite and prefers not to talk about it outside of our immediate family, but I found healing in people acknowledging the baby, not just our loss, if that makes sense.
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