So the obvious answer to my question is to just tell them, and they can get over it. And we will absolutely be going that route (plus not telling them I'm in labor) with MIL, etc. But more specifically, how would/did you tell people (in my case my mom) that they couldn't be at the birth when you knew they would be hurt and you cared about making it as non-hurtful as possible?

I made the VERY big mistake of having my mom come with me to my birth class tonight because DH was out of town. I realized about 2 seconds after I asked her that it was going to lead to her assuming she could be at the birth, even though I'd already at least mentioned in passing that I didn't plan on anyone but DH and a doula. But that can't be undone, so oh well. She brought it up during class (just to me as an aside, not to everyone, thankfully), and I was able to say that the hospital wouldn't allow that many people there during the actual birth. But I wasn't about to make her cry in the middle of class (even that was enough she started to tear up), so I left it at that.

But this needs to be addressed sooner than later. She's already said how she's saving her vacation time for the birth/immediately after (I don't want her at my house all the time the first few weeks either!), and that she's warned her bosses about it, etc. The main problem is that all of her friends' daughters ARE the type to want their mom there all the time during labor/postpartum (and I'm one of the last of them to have kids), so she's always assumed that would be the case for me as well. And we are very close, but for a lot of reasons that I'm sure many of you can understand, I don't want her there.

DH has said he's willing to be the bad guy, and just have us say that he doesn't want her there. Which is actually true, he's adamant about no one but us and the doula, but I also feel strongly about it. I don't want to risk damaging their relationship, and honestly I think she'd realize that I was just letting him take the blame and would be hurt that I didn't feel like I could tell her.

There's also the option of just not telling her I'm in labor, which I'll definitely do initially. (Not like I'll be 100% sure it's for real early on anyway!) But she's the one taking our dogs while we're at the hospital, so once we leave the house she has to know so she can plan for getting them. Also, again, I think she'd be more hurt if we didn't tell her till LO was born than if we just tell her we don't want her there.

I'm open to maybe having her at the hospital and she can pop in occasionally depending on how I'm feeling. But I'm not sure if that's just a slippery slope to her trying to stay in the room too much. Or if that might be harder on her, since she'd be getting kicked out over and over? She's aware I'm planning med-free, so it won't be the happy little laying in bed talking unable to feel contractions labor that a lot of people picture. But I don't think she realizes that I'll be doing most of the easy to talk through laboring at home, so by the time we do go to the hospital I'm going to have no patience for her. She said she can just sit in the corner, but even that will stress me out (since, among other things, I know she'll be stressed by seeing her child in pain and all that).

So all that to ask, how would you explain it/phrase it, to make it as non-hurtful as possible, while remaining firm? (Bonus points if you include some help on letting her know that she's not camping out at the hospital/my house after LO is born either.) I'm probably going to make it an email, because I know I'll waver and possibly back down if she cries, which she will. So I have the time to work on the phrasing to try to really get it right, at least. No matter what she won't be happy about it, but I can try to be as nice as possible. Thanks in advance for any help! (And sorry this is so long!)