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@Chillybear: I 100% agree with this. My mom is the same way and I love her for that my MIL is also the same way. So it was only natural to have them at the hospital it turned out to be perfect because of the emergency csection my husband had a breakdown and it gave him the support as well as they were able to all see me as I was rolled into the ER.
As a mother myself I couldn't imagine not at least being at the hospital for my daughter when she has kids. No matter how old she is she will always be my baby. I am a mother and she is my child no matter if shes 2 or 22.
Just another perspective obviously the choice is up to you in the end. If you don't feel comfortable with your mom there tell her the truth don't lie or make stuff up the truth will eventually come out and she will be even more hurt.
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I would just say that you don't know how long it's going to be or what state you'll be in and you'd rather have everyone but your DH see baby after. That it's possible you could change your mind but that you're nervous about things going wrong and about how youll handle it, and don't want to commit to this being a certain type of experience.
We told MIL not to come to the hospital til the next morning and said it was out of convenience for her because we thought it would be awhile, but we were in the moment. Honestly we didn't even think she'd want to be there and by the time it came up after almost two days of labor all I said was looked at DH and said "no!" and that's what he did.
eta and my mom wasn't there because she doesn't live nearby. She flew in awhile after baby was born.
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@Chillybear: I get that, but just to give an alternate scenario... My husband texted my mom when DD was born. Then, he put his phone down to cut the cord, take pics, go be with baby while they were weighing her, etc. the next time we looked at our phones 20-30 mins later there was nasty text messages demanding to know what was going on because she was worried something happened to me. When I called her I got bitched out. No offense, but if something had happened, no one would be texting her to tell her I died. It was really just uncessesary and uncalled for! Depending on your mom it might be a loving caring thing or in my case a manipulative thing.
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@catomd00: I'm sorry that was your post delivery experience. Obviously that was uncalled for behavior on your mothers part and a little understanding that you were busy with other things would have gone along way.
Our nurses were able to communicate to my parents what was happening and post delivery and give them a time frame as far as when they would be allowed to visit with me and the baby.
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With my first I didn't say anything ahead of time, just assumed that since I'm not asking my mom to come she won't be there. We're just not that close and there are some people you just don't want to see you push a baby out. I wasn't planning to even tell her when we went to the hospital.
Only I happened to be in a really good mood when I went into labor, and decided to be nice and call her so she doesn't worry. Imagine my surprise when she showed up at the hospital. I kind of felt bad for her, I don't think she's seen anyone give birth and she looked pretty green a few times, but it was ok overall. This time I'll hopefully avoid offending anyone, but also make sure she doesn't come, by asking her to watch DS.
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@Chillybear: That's definitely a part of it for her. And I don't really care if she's in the waiting room, as long as she REALLY gets that it could be a looong time, and she doesn't get to come in the second the baby is born either. We have 2 hours of skin to skin before they even take her to be weighed, so it'll be that plus a little before I'll even consider having anyone come in, even for a minute. Also, I completely agree with @Madison43: that she needs to consider that the type of support she would want is NOT necessarily what I would. When my cousin had her baby, she had some complications that apparently threatened her (my cousin, not the baby) life, and had to stay in the hospital a little extra for monitoring. My mom was SO horrified that my aunt (cousin's mom) went back to work the next day instead of being in the hospital with her daughter 24/7. But she never even thought to ask if my cousin would want her mother there all the time. I would not! She's definitely making assumptions based on what she/other people she knows would want, not asking what I (and DH) want.
@kiddosc: I feel like you expressed a lot of that well. Thank you!
@catomd00: Ugh! I'm sorry you had to deal with that! That, at least, is not something I'm worried about. I could see MIL getting nasty with DH in that scenario, if she's drunk/high, but not my mom. Actually, my biggest issue with having my mom there (and DH's as well) is that she's so over the top solicitous (when I'm sick she is NON-STOP with the "what can I do, can I get you some soup, can I pick you up some medicine, do you want me to come over and just rub your head," which I totally appreciate, but dude, NO. I like to be left alone, and once I've said that, stop! And I do ask her when I need something, so it's not like she has any need to worry that I'll need her and not ask) and over the top basically complimentary. Like she'll spend the whole time telling me or DH how amazing we are, but WAY past the point that it's awkward and omg shutup for two seconds! After she went to my birth class with me, we had dinner, and she told me at LEAST 4 times how proud she was that I'm doing all this research and making decisions that were best for me instead of just doing whatever the doctors tell me, etc. It sounds so dumb to complain that she's essentially too nice, but it's seriously super irritating/awkward. DH and I both HATE it, which is not what we need to be dealing with in the middle of labor!
ETA- I know solicitous and complimentary are basically two things that are the best in labor, but just trust me on this one. Her version of those things is NOT what I need, ever.
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@Torchwood: I totally get what you are saying about too complimentary. When I had C if the nurse or midwife said I was doing a great job, I was all happy and proud. If DH said something I was like, psht, what do you know? You know less about this than me! I'm so nice.
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My mom is similar, overly solicitous and I was sure I didn't want her there during labor. For labor I think it was the right decision but I found I needed her and wanted her there as soon as we had our skin to skin because omg I needed as much help as I could get. She ended up being extremely helpful because I was incapacitated after the emergency c section and DH was alone to take care of everything else plus baby on no sleep.
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I had this same concern with my mom. She lives 4 hours away so I know she won't be hovering around before labor, but I also didn't want her driving down like a bat out of hell the minute I felt a contraction then sitting in the waiting room all day. We ended up coming to an agreement that I'd let her know when labor was happening but she will wait at my house, not the hospital, because I do not want to be distracted by stressing about her sitting out there or my dad busting in to ask what's going on. I think she's still a little upset about it and she doesn't think I'll care who's where when it's happening, but she's agreed to respect my wishes. Bonus for me - I'll come back to the cleanest my house will ever be, since she can't sit still when she's nervous and she cleans all the time anyway. It felt like the best compromise for me because I know she'd be really sad if she didn't even know until the baby was here, but this way I also don't have to worry about her hovering outside my door when I want privacy. It also helps that the hospital I'm delivering at her a strict policy about how many people can be in the DR, and strongly discourages waiting room warriors.
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A couple of thoughts...
1) I don't think you can fully understand why a mom would want to be there during labor until you are a mom yourself so I think her feelings do warrant sympathy. That said, it's your labor and you should certainly do what makes you most comfortable.
2) I like the suggestions from those above re: letting her know that you anticipate wanting it to be just you and your DH during the birth, but that you will keep her apprised via text and truly appreciate her willingness to jump in whenever.
I was more than willing for my mom and dad to visit during early labor. It was a nice distraction and I appreciated having a fresh set of people to talk to. I didn't want my husband's mother or father there at all until afterward... And honestly would have been more comfortable if they just visited us at home. I put my foot down for the labor but sucked it up for visiting afterwards.
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