I'm a SAHM and my husband works full-time, so I naturally spend more time with our kids (4 and almost 2). I feel frustrated that my husband doesn't spend more time with our kids than he does. When he comes home from work, he will usually change and then sit in his office/library room reading or doing more work. He comes out for dinner, but he will often go back in there after we eat. Weekends are similar in that he will spend hours a day reading or working without interacting with us. If I do talk him into going somewhere with us, like the park, he will come along but will spend the majority of the time on his phone. If I ask him to help with the kids, he will complete tasks such as changing a diaper, getting a snack, or helping with bath time. But it's literally a task to be completed and he doesn't do anything beyond that. It's very rare to see him sitting on the floor with the kids or playing with them in the backyard. If I ask him to spend time with the kids, he'll say "what do you want me to do?" like he either has no idea how to play with his kids or he has no desire to do so. I think this is mostly due to his personality. He's a very introverted and intellectual person, so his favorite hobbies are reading and learning things. He says when the kids are older, he wants to teach them things related to technology, but he doesn't think their current ages are enjoyable. I feel like I'm the only parent who plays with them or even gives them any attention. Any advice on what to do or anyone out there with a similar spouse?
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I have no advice but I'm sorry, that sounds really frustrating. You shouldn't have to explain to your husband that he doesn't only get to interact with his children at what he considers to be enjoyable ages, he needs to find a way to enjoy them at all ages. Plus if he's interested in learning 2 and 4 are great ages, they're sponges now! If he puts in some effort he can start lifelong love affairs with things he thinks are interesting - maybe he could get the Code-a-pillar and work through how it works with the older kid?
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I'm sorry that you feel unsupported. As a SAHM as well, I know it can feel never-ending, and I imagine that is magnified with a partner who is more hands off. feeling frustrated with this current set-up is completely valid.
Three things come to mind:
1.) I would have a serious conversation with him about the sacrifices of partnering. To be honest, I don't find little kid activities interesting. It's boring as heck to read "Goodnight Moon" over and over and over. I don't do it because I like it, I do it because my kid likes it and it's important to put someone else's needs and desires above your own.
2.)What's difficult about this situation is I can see this conversation going downhill fast. I would think about not just WHAT you want to communicate but also HOW you are going approach it. He could easily get defensive and not really hear what you are saying.
3.) He might also benefit from more concrete suggestions. Instead of "you need to spend more time with your kids" maybe something like "can you help Jonny build this lego set (without looking at your phone)" -
@aprild: I have no advice from experience , but my heart hurt reading this! Did you expect him this way pre-kids?! It would make me so sad if DH was this way!
Maybe guide him?! If he enjoys reading, why not read to the kids?!
Maybe puzzles, crafts?! Maybe he doesn't think they are old enough, but they are!Do they ask to play with him?
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I think you need to have a serious talk with him. The coming home and working more every day is a big NO for me. My DH regularly goes through periods at work where he needs to do some work at home at night. But he needs to do that after the kids are in bed. And it's not an every day thing. But as an example, he had something to do tonight, so the kids are in bed and we're watching tv together and he's on his work laptop taking care of things.
But really, you're treating him like hired help, not a parent. He doesn't "help" with kids, he needs to PARENT. And that might take some long negotiations between you.
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I just want to ditto EVERYTHING the previous 3 posters said. Basically, this is very sad, and this is not parenting, and actions need to change for the good of your kids and marriage, and maybe specific activities would be engaging to him.
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Aw, this made me so sad. My father was similar to this. These early years are the foundation of a good relationship with our children. As a parent we do things with our kids because they like it, not because we do.
I'm not really sure how to talk to your husband about it, but it sounds like he has no connection to the kids.
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@erinbaderin: I agree. I think he's missing a window of opportunity by not interacting with them now. We actually have a code-a-pillar, but I don't think my husband has ever played with it. I'll suggest it to him, and see what he says. I feel like if I'm able to get him to play with the kids, he's bored after a few min and goes back to doing work or reading.
@justjules: I have tried talking to him, but he'll say things like I'm a better parent than him or the kids prefer to play with me, so it gets him off the hook. I can try suggesting things he can do with his kids and see if he will be willing to try.
@FaithFertility: I never saw him around kids before we got married, but he's always been someone who likes to spend time alone reading and working. I thought he would want to be an involved parent, but I think he thinks making a good income and the little interactions he has are enough. They don't really ask to play with him, but sometimes my older son will come over and poke him with a toy, and I think that's his way of getting attention.
@ShootingStar: I try talking to him, but I feel like it falls on deaf ears. He is a bit of a workaholic, and he is in a management position at an e-commerce company, so he says he needs to be able to be reached at all times in case there's a problem. And he says he has an infinite amount of work to do, so he never feels done at the end of the day. It's frustrating! But he makes a good salary, so that's his justification. He also enjoys his work, so I think it's more fun for him to work than to play with the kids, which makes it harder for me to get him to do anything with them.
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Could he just learn to observe on the floor wth them and not necessary be playing WITH them but be available to them as they need it? This is an important skill to have (imo) and something that may come easier to him than making up games and playing like a kid. In our house I am more that parent and dh is more the playful one. Other things that aren't playing that could be easier on him might be reading books, crafts/coloring/painting, even things like them "helping" with dishes or outside in the yard, etc. Our four year old is into some boards games too. That would give him direction. Not sure what it is with technology but he could probably bring that somewhat down to their level especially the older LO. My 1.5 year old likes to build things with various sizes and types of blocks and knock it down. That's easy enough.
Also, something I learned the hard way when I stayed home full time- leave him alone with the kids sometimes! He maybe sees you constantly as the leader on that and needs to find his way and that won't happen with you home. Take a break. Repeatedly. Let him be stuck with bored kids! It's good for everyone.
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@DesertDreams88: I agree. It makes me sad, and I wish there was a way I could get through to him. I'm not sure he sees the problem though, so he's less likely to want to change.
@Mamatimes3: Did your father eventually change, or did you ever have a relationship with him?
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Ah I read your follow up. He needs to appreciate that this stage is fleeting and it's important no mater how much money he makes. If he doesn't take the time now, it'll hard to form that relationship later imo. And I say this as someone whose husband just worked like two weeks in a row of 9-10+ hour days.. I get the money thing, it's hard, but he just has to commit!
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@2littlepumpkins: agree in that it sounds like the OP never gets a break or time to herself! If he is taking a few hours to himself on the weekends, then mom should have the same opportunity. It is extremely taxing to never be "off", especially if the other parent is not sharing duties.
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If he is task-oriented maybe sign him and the 4 year old up for a class. And if that is successful, sign him up with the 2 year old. You want this to be successful for everyone involved. Maybe some one on one time wth each kid will help him form some ideas of his own for what each kid likes and responds to.
As I reread what I typed it sounds like I'm going easy on him, which I guess I am, but you don't want him to retract further.
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@aprild: No he didn't change. He never played with us or took an interest in what we liked. He provided for us financially and that was it. Very little involvement other than that. My parents separated when I was in high school and I saw even less of him. He is my father so I always tried up until recently when I had kids. He shows zero interest in my children. And now as a mom, I can't understand that. So I don't really try anymore. He has seen my almost 15 month about 3 times maybe. I don't think my kids really even know who he is. My point to all of this is that what happens when we are children stick with us. By the time he decides to show interest in his kids, they will be used to living life without him and may not care that he now wants the interaction.
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@Littlebit7: agree classes can be a good idea. Maybe not the ones that involve singing and dancing with the kids but even like a parent and me soccer or something if he's into sports?
Adding: fwiw it sounds like he is loving and I don't mean to sound "punishing" but he just needs to know how important it is for him to find a way to speak their language, if that makes sense!
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When I first read your title I was prepared to take your husband's side because quite honestly, I don't LOVE playing with my kids. My husband is 100% the more playful one and gets down on the floor with them/wrestles with them/plays games with them, etc. I'm more apt to read to them, or do a crafting project, or take them on an outing like the playground or zoo where they really just need me for supervision than for entertainment. I'm more of the carer (meals, clothes, sick care, cuddles, etc) and hubs is more the playmate. But your husband doesn't just not like playing with your kids, he doesn't like interacting with them at all which is a totally different animal. I think the poster above who pointed out that parenting isn't about what YOU like, it's about what the kids want/need from you too was right on the money. If he rebuttes this point with the fact that the children prefer playing with you I would point out that if he doesn't start making an effort his children will never prefer to spend time with him and is that really the relationship he wants to have with them? If he doesn't put in some time now, they aren't magically going to want to spend lots of time with him once they are old enough to interest him. And this doesn't even begin to address how absurdly unfair this scenario is to you. Solely providing for your family financially is an important and taxing role, but it doesn't buy him out of all other responsibilities related to his kids....
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Could you encourage him to read with the kids since he likes reading? Would he enjoy going to a bookstore or library with them to pick out some books to read together? My husband is an introvert and also works long hours. He does need time to decompress after work. But he also spends time with our LO. I would try asking him what activities he might enjoy with the kids and see if he needs help or suggestions of how to play with them. I like PP suggestions of one on one time with each kid and specific tasks they can do together.
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He doesn't need to do anything special with the kids and he frankly doesn't have to enjoy it. If he's intellectual and likes to learn show him the research that shows the importance of parental involvement and interaction and physical affection and verbal communication on your children in terms of social adjustment, future income, and professional achievement.
He basically needs to show up. He needs to be there. Just sit on the floor and hand your kid Magnatiles and listen to his inane banter. Act interested. Read a book out loud. Make it a habit. He can also totally talk to your child like an adult - my husband does this all the time and carries totally normal conversations with our son, even if he's speaking gibberish. He will be like "you know, I don't know why the dog is barking but you bring up a good point that it's making a dang racket. Should we go into the yard and investigate?" DS will be like "outside?" DH will respond "yes, outside. I think that's a fine idea. Let's go find our shoes first." It's hilarious but my husband doesn't feel the need to talk down to our kids bc his father never did.
FIL did not enjoy his kids either in that he didn't find it fun to have young children - he enjoyed them increasingly as they got older for sure. But DH says he was still present and showed up because his dad recognized the importance of tossing a ball and building Legos and coming to his games even when his kids knew he may not personally enjoy it and that impacted him a lot growing up. It impacts him now as a father.
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@Truth Bombs: "I would point out that if he doesn't start making an effort his children will never prefer to spend time with him and is that really the relationship he wants to have with them? If he doesn't put in some time now, they aren't magically going to want to spend lots of time with him once they are old enough to interest him."
This is what I was going to say. He may not see it now, but he may have some huge regrets in the future. Perfect example is my DH and FIL.
My FIL was very hands off and often said things like "I'm not your friend I'm your father". He didn't show much interest in his kids' activities and didn't "play" with them at any age.
Now my DH is about to turn 39 and my FIL is 70. They have a strained relationship and my husband has very much shaped his opinion of his father based on the above. He never wants to spend time with him and so they never do spend time together.
And now, to make my main point - now that we have a son and my FIL is a grandpa, he is very hands on and loves playing with him and taking him places. My FIL actually said with tears in his eyes one day (and he's not emotional) "being with xxxxx has really made me regret not spending more time with you as kids. I really missed out and I'm sorry". Unfortunately my husband is pretty hard to crack so feels like "too little too late".
And just because I want to make sure you know that the pattern doesn't have to continue, my husband is EXTREMELY hands on with our son, nothing like his dad. He takes him to the park more than I do, takes him for father/son dinners just the two of them, willingly volunteers to do a lot of the childcare and tasks. He doesn't love playing "let's hide under the blanket" 746 times, but he does it. Now...his involvement in housework/household duties is another story
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Not to be rude, but that ish would not fly in my home. Your husband isn't just ignoring the kids, he's ignoring YOU, his wife and life partner. I don't care how "intellectual" one is, that is crap! Both my husband and I are scientists and enjoy intellectual persuits. Know what is fascinating? Watching and helping your child learn and from figure out the world we live in!!! Your DH needs to put some serious effort into engaging with you and his children, and I think you should stop letting him slink off to zone out alone.
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Sounds like you need to get out of the house one evening a week and 1/2 weekend day. You need a break and he is a parent.
Did he 'want' children? Or is the reality different that the expectation? I hope that's not too invasive to ask but my Dad got drunk once and told me he never wanted children and was especially opposed to a second (me).
I'm a mostly SAH parent and DH and I are 50\50 or hang out together as a family whenever he's not working anything less would be a problem for me.
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It sounds like there are a number of different issues going on here and all of the above posters have touched on them. Even though the original post was about the kids, one of the biggest things I've taken away is that it sounds like you are very isolated. It sounds like you have to nag your DH to do little things during the week and then you handle practically all the evening and weekend parenting alone too. I think there needs to be a serious heart to heart about the family dynamics. In the post, your DH comes off as uninterested in the entire family. This routine and these behaviors would be unsustainable in my household.
As for playing with the kids, my DH and I don't really get down on the floor and "play" with our kids that often. But we are constantly available, we do more structured activities with them (build Legos, read, play board games, cook together, etc.), and take them on all sorts of outings.
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Um, this would be a big fat no way in our house. There is no way that one of us would get home and go read in the other room. I feel like he is treating you like the nanny and not his wife/partner.
I will admit that I do not always enjoy playing with my kids. There are many ways to interact without "playing". Just being there is often enough. Go sit outside while they run around, take them to the park, go to Chick Fil A and let them eat and play. Be there to answer questions and just to listen or look at them while they do the same thing over and over again and want you to watch. There are tons of ways to be there without activity playing.
I would have a heart to heart discussion and create a plan to get him more involved. First thing would be no more coming home and hiding out. If anything, he should be taking over so that YOU can get a break.
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There are many issues here but it sounds to me that he is deeply insecure about fatherhood. He won't even try because you already have it handled and are way "better" at parenting than him. Could you get him to go to therapy? I'm so sorry you're in this situation
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So I apologize in advance if I'm repeating what others have already said.
My husband has told me before that he doesn't particularly like playing with our kids either (heck, I don't either - kids this age can be repetitive and boring!), so I get it. I think what your husband needs is practice though. Your 4 year old is definitely old enough to indicate to their dad what they want to do and what he should do to play. I think you need to leave your husband in charge with the kids solo for a couple hours at time every week or multiple times a week. It might not come naturally to him at first and he might not really know what to do with them, but after a while, I think he'll figure it out. Leave him with them on the weekend or a couple evenings.
Give him some tips if you have to, but then let him be in charge. Go outside and play soccer. Go outside and draw on the driveway with chalk. Go outside and blow bubbles. Stay inside and play hide and seek. Play monsters (dad runs after the kids pretending to be a monster). Play superheroes. Draw pictures. Play with trains or dolls or whatever toys they have. Do crafts. I have a 2 and 4 year old and they love all this stuff.
I think once he starts doing it, it'll start getting easier and easier. But he needs the opportunity to do it on his own and without you around so the kids and him are FORCED to interact with each other and can't rely on you.
Good luck.
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I'd try to get him involved somehow. As pp's said maybe reading to the kids or puzzles or something of that nature is that is more up his alley. Could he try to spend one on one time with them? I think he really needs to build a relationship with them and his comment about you being a better parent etc is a cop out in my mind.. or he's really insecure about parenting. I'd try to get him to do things with the kids and I'd praise him while he's doing it. When I first started reading I was all prepared to say my DH is the same way however my DH isn't as severe as yours. My DH doesn't love playing with the kids but he does do it. He says no more often than I'd like but he doesn't say no all of the time. I do pretty much whatever my kids want to do within reason. It's just my parenting style or my nature I guess. For example if our 3 yo asks to "mix" things I give her stuff to mix (ie bake, so I give her flour, water, noodles, random things). She might make a mess but she's happy and I don't mind, however if she asked DH to mix, he'd just say no. DH also tends to try to redirect DD when she wants to do something he doesn't want to do. Sometimes this annoys me but he says DD has to learn that she can't always do or get exactly what she wants, so I understand to a point.....
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I agree with @petitenoisette: I think counseling would be incredibly beneficial for your DH and for your marriage. There is no real balance in what you described, and that's not fair to any of you. Your DH is not the only one with needs, but it sounds like only his are being met.
I don't tend to enjoy "kid things" with kids other than my own. I get bored easily with the endless repetition and noise. But something about watching MY son do these things, and playing with him, makes it better/easier/more fun. I still hope it will take him several minutes to find me in hide and seek so I can have some alone time!
Good luck. I hope you all are able to find a solution that meets all of your needs.
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@aprild: I'm also in a management position and my day often comes home with me. I have a fairly hard rule that when I leave the office until my kids are in bed that Work can wait. For me that time span is only about 2-2.5 hours a day. When my kids are in bed, I resume work. I find it hard to believe that he can't turn work off for a few hours each night and make his family a priority.
My DH struggled when he was going through anxiety to interact with our daughter. I begged him to just be with her. Just show her his presence. Tickling in our house is mostly a Daddy activity. When the kids ask me for it, I generally tell them to find Daddy. He needs to find his activity. Building, reading, whatever.
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@aprild: ok I just wanted to say one more thing. I hope this is taken the right way.
my father never spent a lot of time "playing" with us. He is a doctor and worked really long hours. When we were a bit older he enjoyed including us in HIS activities (like taking us on his sail boat etc) but never played kid games with us. I have a fine relationship with my father. It's definitely NOT a super close friendship or anything but I don't resent him. Something that helped me was learning about the 5 love languages. My dad's love language is "providing" not telling us he loves us (he rarely does that), or hugging us, or spending quality time with us. By going to work every day in a really stressful and exhausting job, that was his way of loving us. (In his mind)
I don't want to excuse your husbands behavior and there are absolutely ways he can/should change. I just wanted to offer my experience as a kid of a father who is a little similar.
I think all the previous advice above still stands.
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Both DH and I were guilty a few years ago of being phone centric
(him being in management and me owning my own business we were always "on call")So we came up with the Phone Bowl idea. From the minute we get home the phone goes into the bowl and doesn't come out until LO is asleep....We let our employees and clients know that basically from the hours of 5pm-8pm we are off the clock...
It was a struggle at first but I feel like that little step really helped us to get more engaged.
In terms of finding kid activities you like it's different for everyone.
DH loves to colour or watch movies with DD, especially helpful that she loves Star Wars
and I like to help her with dress up and teach her how to cook.Maybe your DH could find a kid-friendly technology thing to teach them?
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I think a lot of the PPs have really good suggestions for getting your DH involved. And Truthbombs is totally correct in saying that he's missing his chance to develop a relationship now. I want to add that it sounds like you are making excuses for him, and I think that you can begin by changing your mindset. It's not ok that you shoulder all of the child responsibilities, even if he is providing for you financially. It's not ok that you are the only one playing with the kids, even if you are better at it (you spend all your time with them, of course you're better. It's not ok that He's always on his phone when he goes on an outing, it teaches your children where they fall on his priority list. It's not ok that he locks himself away in his office, you need a break and the kids need a father that's more than an ATM.
Obviously a conversation with your DH about this is going to be difficult. I would try writing a letter and spelling out some changes that you want made. Tell him how his lack of attention effects you, the woman he chose to marry (since he doesn't seem particularly attached to the kids). Tell him you want to talk to him about, but you want him to be able to process his thoughts and ideas about it first. But I would really insist that there be changes... or don't be surprised when the kids don't want anything to do with him.
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My husband is similar, and actually if I think about it, I am as well. I would, and have, spent a large portion of my life being alone...which is different from feeling lonely. I can entertain myself and my husband does as well...it's always been like this, even though we had siblings. So to get someone to change all of a sudden is really difficult, but it doesn't mean it can't be done.
The first thing is to get the person to agree that there is something that needs to change. If you can't get past that hump, all the advice in the world isn't going to help you.
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I agree with what others have said so, so much. The main thing that I would tell your DH, is that if you're waiting for them to grow up so he can teach them things, A) if you don't build the relationship now, they won't care about you later on and B) you can't force them to have the same interests as you anyway, so will he just never interact with them if it turns out they aren't into the same stuff?
And I so agree that not everyone has to love playing with their kids or be good at it. But hello you are their parent and you need to! DH's personality absolutely is not "made" for this stage either; but I know as boring and as hard as it is, he gets down and he plays and he will read the same book every night to DD1 over and over and over if that's what she wants.
I really hope he can come around on this and not miss out on building a life long bond with his children.
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Ditto to going off the clock a few hours in the evening. My DH often works until 11pm-12am, 7 days a week. He is also an uber nerd and workaholic. He has a private law practice and he teaches as a law professor because he finds it intellectually stimulating. He is on his computer or phone almost constantly.
However. On a non-teaching normal day at home, he's up at 630am checking his emails, then gets the kids up and takes them to daycare in the morning. He gets home, eats, showers, and is in his home office working by 8-830am. He takes a lunch around noon, and then he works until 430pm when he has to go pick them up and he's off the clock until 730-8pm. We have dinner together as a family, we take turns watching/playing with the kids and doing various chores around the house, and then we tag team bedtimes - 1 parent per kid.
You said previously that he does tasks. Then build in tasks to his daily schedule that involve interacting with your kids. Make a hard rule that there is no phone during this time (monitor his phone for him if necessary to make him feel like he's not missing an emergency).
My husband is very task and routine oriented so every night, he's in charge of bath for both boys and bedtime for DS1. That includes chatting with the boys while they splash around in the tub, it includes physical bonding and fun since they have to get toweled off and changed and lotioned and usually tickled or chased naked around the house. And then for books DS1 always wants to be sitting in laps or sitting on the bed together. DS1 will sometimes want to be read to, sometimes he will want to tell you what's going on in the book. Sometimes he will ask his daddy questions about what he sees on the page. Daddy will explain as many things as possible. Sometimes if the bath ended earlier than usual, they play figurines together. When DH tucks DS1 in, there's 2 simple songs, prayers, hugs and "night night Daddy loves you." This routine really gives BOTH DH and DS a lot of security - its a solid hour every evening they are together, there's conversation and snuggles and verbal/physical expressions of love. DS goes to bed happy about Daddy time and DH doesn't feel any guilt or stress or anxiety about not having spent quality time with his son that day. Because DH knows he's in charge of that task, its built into his day, he knows exactly how to do it just so, and he's learned to enjoy it.
But 99% of the time, as soon as DH closes the door to DS' bedroom, he's back in his office working. And that's fine with me. Even with the 3 hour break he takes in the early evening, DH is STILL working on average 11 hours a day. That's PLENTY.
The hour a day he spends shuttling the kids to and from daycare is annoying, especially when they are crabby and screaming, but he's also learned how to anticipate their needs better. He makes sure there's cold water in their seats and maybe a light snack of crackers to keep the hanger at bay. He knows what songs the kids like because he listens to them scream or bellow for them every day. He will tell you that Farmer in the Dell is the hot jam in the minivan this week, but last week it was more Hokey Pokey.
In short, schedule their interactions, make it a task oriented thing if necessary, but with time, it will become more organic.
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you've gotten some great actionable ideas here already... I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. My dad was a work-a-holic growing up too, and really wasn't around. He was gone to the city before we got up, and didn't get back until dinnertime, my mom did 90% of the parenting (and she worked too, but her and her friends started a business and the kids tagged along).... Anyway - my dad definitely "enjoyed us" more as we got older, but I would also say he was more present than your husband is. Who knows when I was 4/5, but it's funny because now with the grandkids, I see him not loving them at this preschool age (he loves the babies), and I feel like he'll be more interested again when they're older...
I'm rambling, but it's really tough. If your husband wanted to have children, then he needs to make more of an effort with them. It's tough because he works and has a demanding job, but so do you - you're caring for your children, what, 99% of the time? That is A LOT..... I liked someones suggestion above of signing up your older child for an activity and having them do it together. Or maybe at least do an hour (or even half an hour to start) after work together, no phones/screens, to just hang out and 'play'...
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I found that I had to let go a bit. My husband traveled for work extensively soon after we had kids so I had to do it all. He'd be gone 3 weeks at a time and when he'd be home I felt like he was helping or interacting with the kids enough but I wasn't giving him much opportunity. I like things done my way and often times I'd just do it myself but I had to let that control go. I also needed to leave him alone with the kids. If I'm there they always seek me out first and I tend to take over.
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