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Husband flying solo to destination wedding?

  1. thepicklemonster

    apricot / 271 posts

    This would be a hell no for me and I'd probably also skip the family vacation as it doesn't sound fair to you.

  2. skipra

    pomegranate / 3350 posts

    I'd probably skip the family vacation and go as a family to the wedding. Even if DH goes alone to the actual wedding or reception, I'm sure the location would be a great vacation spot! I've had to do long drives and packing and unpacking houses alone with a baby and do not recommend it! Especially if it's to see in laws who are exclusionary towards me and my child. Nope I would say one or the other but I wouldn't willingly take on the burden that comes with both.

  3. dc yoga bee

    grapefruit / 4770 posts

    @skipra: but, kids aren't invited to the wedding, so that could be a logistical nightmare going international with the kids and she have to stay in hotel with kids.

    Nope nope nope

  4. skipra

    pomegranate / 3350 posts

    @dc yoga bee: I would imagine she'd be stuck alone in the hotel just one night. I have no idea anything about the wedding so could be way off but if it's in like Jamaica or something why couldn't they all go as a vacation?

  5. dc yoga bee

    grapefruit / 4770 posts

    @skipra: good point. I guess it would depend on how much work/solo parenting she wants to tackle. I think it would still suck she didn't get to go to the wedding . Maybe her and DH could alternate? Or she do her own fun trip!

  6. FancyGem

    clementine / 769 posts

    I know it sounds mean, but I wouldn't want to go to either one. lol If I had to choose I would go on the family vacation because they are family. Trying to do both would be to much for you.

  7. ShootingStar

    coconut / 8472 posts

    I'd be pretty not thrilled if DH proposed this. My DH is very concerned with reciprocity though. Did that friend make a big effort for your wedding? If so I'd be more inclined to support it, but your DH needs to be considerate of the extra effort you have to put in and how difficult it might be. I think that @Anagram: has the right ideas in terms of alternate ways to get him to the wedding that aren't unfair to you.

    In general though in our marriage the philosophy is "nuclear family first". That's what works for us, and it's pretty non-negotiable for me. I would not be happy with a DH who constantly prioritized the wants/convenience of extended family and friends over me and his children.

  8. JCCovi

    kiwi / 705 posts

    Definitely the minority, but I would definitely want him to go. If we could swing it financially I'd take the whole family and get a babysitter for the wedding, if not I'd try to get friends or family to come help me while he's gone.

    It would be tough on me, but if the shoe were on the other foot I know I'd really want to go.

  9. psw27

    pomelo / 5220 posts

    Honestly, the "family vacation" sounds worse to me than the other trip. A week of extended family who refuses to accommodate you to the point of exclusion? Ugh. I would be clear with dh that if he wants to do both he should be prepared to do a significant amount of parenting and/or staying together as a family unit on the trip (aka you don't sit in the rental house alone cause he wants to play on the beach during peak sun hours. No. No way.....) Maybe he should have a talk with his MIL or whoever drives the "traditions" argument that he and his family won't be attending at all if the "traditions" can't include his family as a whole.

    The wedding wouldn't bother me so much since it's just 2 days. I would definitely leave the unpacking to him upon return as much as possible. Oh and he definitely would need to ask for a ride to the airport from someone else.

  10. erinbaderin

    pomelo / 5573 posts

    @psw27: This is a very good point about the family vacation - it seems unfair that he gets to participate in the traditions and she and the baby don't. I agree that he should say "Ok, this "tradition" by necessity excludes the rest of my family, so we're going to do X instead. You are all welcome to join." Whether X is have an allergy friendly dinner at 5pm, or go to a shady park instead of the beach on a sunny day.

  11. LBee

    pomegranate / 3895 posts

    @psw27: I've been thinking the same thing and wondering if anyone would say it. I would have no issue with the wedding or figuring out the logistics with my husband if it was important to him. I have plenty of close, close friends that I haven't seen in 3+ years except for at big events. Life happens. I would be livid if he cited this as a reason I shouldn't go - especially since we usually reserve travel for these kind of big events, hence why I haven't seen a lot of my friends that live a plane ride away in awhile.

    My only point of contention would be with the family vacation - and it sounds like you already agreed to it and knew the expectations, so that makes it hard for you to suddenly take issue with it. I would take this as an opportunity to leave the vacation early and call it a day. Or I would confront my husband and say that my "selfless meter" runs low after 5+ days of feeling alone while on vacation and that he needs to either find a middle ground or something's gotta give.

  12. MrsBucky

    kiwi / 656 posts

    @LBee: selfless meter may be my new favorite phrase of the day

  13. avivoca

    watermelon / 14467 posts

    Hard pass on this one.

  14. petitenoisette

    pear / 1521 posts

    I also couldn't help but be struck more my your description of your family vacation than the wedding question. That situation sounds highly problematic...is your husband really refusing to help out more or are you kind of being a martyr about the situation? Just from your description, it doesn't make sense to me that having to eat something different means you have to eat by yourself. I did the whole elimination diet with my LO and also a family vacation. When you are on an elimination diet you can't also expect everyone around you to do the same. You gave the example of lasagna night - we had similar meals and I just made myself some quinoa pasta and sauce.

    Also what's going to happen now that you have a separate house and your baby has to go to bed? It sounds like you are going to end up by yourself every night while your DH is off hanging out with his family. This sounds just like a nightmare...

  15. Pollywog

    persimmon / 1111 posts

    @skipra: The wedding is in Northern Canada. So 14 hours of flying each way. So it isn't appealing to go with a toddler. Plus we have already paid for the beach house and it is non-refundable.

    @petitenoisette: he's absolutely not refusing to help. It's a situation where for the past 25 years there have been set family meals, so Tuesday is mac and cheese and Wednesday is lasagna. Because lo can't have gluten it dairy and I'm nursing, so I can't eat them either. So I cook for us and then we go over to say hi to the extended family. DH eats when we get to the family dinner. There's literally nothing else to do at the beach besides hang out with family, so normally DH will head to a sibling's house at night once LO is in bed. I could go instead, but it is a little strange to hang with the in-laws alone.

    As an update, our current plan is for DH to get more information. Are any of his friends able to go? What would the costs be? What would his itinerary look like? Can his dad drive him to the airport? Can my sister help? Then we are going to regroup and talk this through. I really appreciate the advice of trying to work through logistics.

  16. catomd00

    grapefruit / 4418 posts

    It's a once in a lifetime thing, so I'd let him go. I'd probably skip the family vacation this year, or make DH go alone for a few days with the kids so you get some solo time before he leaves!

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