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I think it's fine to be up in the air about it. I would handle differently, but it isn't my family. Not buying the suit would sort of piss me off because it insinuates that your husband really has no intention of participating.

Is this your first baby?

Can DH plan to attend just the wedding itself, smile for a pic, and then come home?

Are you feeling you need help with the baby, therefore can you find a family member to be with you that day while DH runs to the wedding? (Or a friend?)

I would plan to have at least DH be there.

I think getting that suit probably just have to be the sunk cost since it's family. If this was us I'd just say DH would go, business as usual, unless you haven't had the baby yet. Then it's a matter of he might miss the birth and therefore need to stay home.

I'd totally be torn too; having a baby really trumps a lot of things, but at the same time we really value family too.

I guess if you haven't had kids, or just have different parenting philosophies, it's hard to "get it" and be understanding.

Personally, I barely remember who came to my wedding and who didn't, and I know that everyone has a life and I don't hold if against anyone to not come. My SIL at the time had a barely 1 month old and they came... But I totally didn't expect them to! I didn't even expect my friends with a 5 mo old to be there.

I will just chime in here again OP to say that weddings aren't the be all and end all. A new baby far surpasses a wedding on the scale of importance in my book. Does your BIL even really want your DH there knowing he'd likely be resentful of having to be there and totally disengaged from the whole process? To all those who say they would be really hurt/angry, or carry a grudge if their sibling didn't attend their wedding, would that really be the case if it was the situation the OP's DH is in? Would you really not understand that the arrival of a new baby can't be changed and that sometimes other life events are more important than your wedding?! It just seems so self-centred and selfish to me... In the OP's situation, if it meant that much to BIL that his brother attend, he should have looked into trying to change the date given that the brother said from the start that he was unlikely to be able to attend. I know it's not easy to change wedding dates but considering you can't change due dates, if it was so almighty important to him, that's what he should have done.

I think it's one thing to say "Hey, just a heads up, my wife is due around your wedding date, so I might not be able to make it!" and another thing to actively make plans NOT to be there. The fact that the OP's husband is reluctant to even buy a suit strongly suggests he has no intention of going to his brother's wedding, regardless of what happens with the baby. That's hurtful to his brother.

It's one thing if you hope you can make it to a wedding and plan on attending and then last minute can't because your baby is being born. It's another thing entirely to be indifferent about it and just not plan to attend regardless. One is understandable - the other is not.

@Mrs.KMM: I think this is their first baby so they don't have the benefit of previous experience etc. I know you couldn't have peeled DH away during the first couple of weeks after our first was born. I guess it all just comes down to how much importance you place upon a wedding. I think they're nice and all but the actual marriage is far more important, therefore being present for a one day party isn't nearly as significant as being a supportive person throughout the marriage.

@Adira: I think the OP's objection was to spending all the money on a suit that might not be worn. I think having another suit ready to wear in case he can attend is more than sufficient but buying a groomsman's suit is a fairly big expense...

@Ree723: Honestly, if the cost of the suit was an issue, he probably shouldn't have agreed to be a groomsmen in the first place. And unless it's a Tux, why couldn't he wear the suit to other occasions, even if he ends up having to miss the wedding? Suits are pretty universal.

@Ree722 I think weddings are overblown too and I eye roll at people who place that big of an importance on their big day. But with that being said, a family members wedding is very important and I would want my husband to celebrate with his brother. I do not believe a baby trumps a wedding. Both are equally important and usually one is before the other

OP stated that she can have help if need be and unless she's giving birth on wedding day, husband should go. My hubby had planned to stay home from work for 2 weeks after baby was born. After a couple of days, I made him go back to work. Baby was sleeping and eating all day. He couldn't really help with the eating part and she would have slept regardless of dad being there or not.

@LBee: @Adira: @Charm54: I agree with you ladies. The brother with the baby on the way probably should have declined being a groomsman from the beginning since that requires at least the rental or purchase of a suit or tux. It would be much better to be a maybe guest than maybe member of the bridal party. Even still giving the man grief over choosing baby over brother is uncalled for. The brothers are upset. Ok. Now they should focus on something/ someone they can control.

@Ree723: Your new baby surpasses everything else to YOU. Nobody else is (or, in my opinion, should be) as excited about the baby as the parents, same as the wedding. For the brother, his wedding is probably more important to him than the arrival of a niece/nephew who, given the distance, probably won't be a regular presence in his life.

Bottom line I thing commiting to be a groomsman then backing out on the suit he needs for the wedding is the current complicating matter. It's a bummer that the cousin can't be a groomsman regardless- I imagine he is frustrated also having to be a backup. Some people are really into having equal bridesmaids and groomsmen which I think is silly. I think the suit is pushing conversations forward that are causing issues. So your husband needs to make a decision on the suit.

I had my first almost a year ago, if I had help, I easily could have managed after the first few days for 24 hours physically. Sure it would be harder emotionally but that time is such a blur.

Whatever you choose, do it and move on. It's ultimately your call.

@erinbaderin: @pinkcupcake: Exactly - their new baby is the most important thing to them, as it should be, hence why they should make the decision that is best for them. They're not asking people to skip BIL's wedding to come visit the new baby, as that would be ridiculous. Just like it's a bit selfish to expect them to put their new baby as a lesser priority to attend an event that is only of paramount importance to the couple involved.

Given the OP's recent explanation that this is a baby conceived after four years of infertility, I am even more strongly in the camp that the wedding is a secondary event that should be attended if possible, but not if it means doing something the father doesn't feel comfortable doing. I don't mean to be insensitive, but if this is potentially the only baby the couple will have, I most definitely think they shouldn't feel pressured for one of them to leave the baby in the early days. They should enjoy every second of their experience without pressure or guilt from others.

@catomd00: Not quite what I was saying but I can imagine how waiting four years for something would make one even more reluctant to miss any of those first moments. As I said in an earlier post, you couldn't have torn my DH away from our side during his two weeks of paternity leave with our first LO, and we were extremely lucky and conceived our first try. I can only imagine waiting four years would make those feelings of wanting to soak up every moment even stronger. Just my opinion from an outside perspective...

This wound up being an interesting thread. Another vote here for there being absolutely nothing wrong with him not going. BIL has every right to feel upset (there are no bad feelings!), but not to be a dick about it. No one would expect you to leave a newborn, why should your husband be expected to be fine with it?

@winter_wonder: The "replacement groomsman" thing is throwing a weird wrench into the situation and forcing a decision, which seems unfortunate (although probably nothing you can do about it, I would guess).

One of my sister's best friends was put on bed rest at 30 weeks and couldn't be a bridesmaid, so my sister just had one less bridesmaid and the pastor said a sweet prayer for the bridesmaid and her baby. It was so not a big deal, except she had already bought her champagne colored maternity gown, which I'm guessing didn't get a lot of use on bed rest.

I haven't read all the responses, but yikes, what an awful situation. I would have been crushed if either of our siblings had been unable to attend our wedding. But on the other hand, I would have been debilitated if DH had left me to drive 5.5 hours away when our baby was only a week or two old. I physically could not have cared for her all by myself that early on. I could barely walk to the kitchen to feed myself without DH's help. This would be an absolute impossibility as far as I'm concerned, unfortunately.

[ETA] Just read that your mom could stay with you for the weekend if DH goes to the wedding. In that case, I think you at least could leave open the possibility of DH attending. So he should probably go ahead and purchase the suit with the assumption he'll try to go if at all possible, but BIL and the bride should emotionally prepare themselves for the possibility that he won't be able to go. And definitely they need to get over the necessity of symmetrical bridesmaids/groomsmen. That does not matter AT ALL.

I had this exact same experience!! DH has three brothers, though, but the youngest is only 17 so doesn't totally count for the drama that happened.

But our first baby (and first baby on that side of the family) was due two weeks before DH's brother's wedding date - baby news came one month before engagement. Wedding was going to be on an island 5 hours away. We went through all the drama of telling them our timeline of when the baby would have to come in order for us to be able to go and all of that... and then BIL canceled the wedding one month before the wedding and two weeks before our due date!! Turns out their relationship had been rocky for a while and the wedding planning did it in.

Not sure if this is your situation at all but definitely made me see their wedding planning in a different light - no wonder they "accidentally" planned it so close to our baby's due date - they had serious issues and shouldn't have been getting married as it turned out.

This all happened this past August. Then, I wouldn't have even considered having DH go but now I think it would have been fine. With breastfeeding, I was doing most of the work for the baby anyways and my mom was staying with us. No way would I have gone though.

@winter_wonder: well, DH said that he would try to go and ordered the suit and everything. But he waited until the last second to pay for the suit and so as soon as we heard that they were having major issues, DH asked for a refund on the suit and got it. Thank goodness - it was a $650 suit.

The most annoying thing was that my MIL assumed we would all go to the wedding! She even bought a three month old tuxedo onesie for the baby... it was laughable how huge it was. Everyone in the family thought we were overreacting but there was no way I was going to bring my newborn (and my just-gave-birth self) to a remote island only reachable by ferry. Thankfully, the younger BIL was supportive of us but that was mostly because he didn't like the other BIL's fiance So much drama!

I was surprised DH was willing to even commit that to going to the wedding by ordering the suit since he didn't like BIL's fiancé either, but he's pretty close to his family so it was important to him.

Anyways, other people might have other experiences, but being a FTM, I thought I would want DH around and DH thought he would be really useful but he wasn't really. And he's super supportive and great and the kind of husband that supports/parents our baby while I'm getting my MBA while working full-time... but the first month it was basically just me and the baby. And I was surprised by that. If that helps at all!