The other thread about family living close by got me wondering this.
If they live 1-2 hours away (driving) how often do you see them? Do they come to you or you go to them or is it pretty equal?
The other thread about family living close by got me wondering this.
If they live 1-2 hours away (driving) how often do you see them? Do they come to you or you go to them or is it pretty equal?
cantaloupe / 6017 posts
My parents live exactly one hour away and we see them at least once a month- probably a pretty even split of who goes where. My daughter goes for an overnight to their house probably once every two months or so? We are going there in March for a few nights on "vacation." They are incredible with the kids, and honestly two of my best friends. We are really lucky.
My in laws also live an hour away. We go to their house once or twice a year. They come to our house to babysit maybe 6 times a year? We don't really spend much time with them.
nectarine / 2018 posts
My mom and stepdad are 2.5 hours away - we see them every 3-5 weeks. My mom will come to us twice as often, but when she comes it's typically one or two nights. When we go to them it's typically 3 or 4 nights. So far we have only stayed at my mom's when in our home state.
DH's mom/stepdad live 2 hours away from us and 25 minutes from my mom. They come to us probably 5 times a year. We do see them when we stay at my mom's house but only for like half a day.
My Dad/stepmom/sisters live 2.5 hours away. They come to us once a year and we will occasionally see them when we visit my mom or inlaws but it's hit or miss. To be fair there is a complicated past and we are all figuring out how it works now that DD is part of the picture.
honeydew / 7463 posts
@Silva: @catgirl: Oh my gosh!!!! Are my ILs insane? They want to come at least weekly. They'd come more if I allowed it (and believe me that they make it known that once a week isn't enough).
We live in NYC and they're in Jersey. So depending on traffic it can take 1.5-2 hours each way!
We only go to them like 4 times a year usually for a holiday.
ETA: growing up we lived an hour away from both grandparents - give or take. And we only saw them every couple of months at best. They just had their own lives and my parents had theirs so they set up visits ad hoc.
My ILs think there needs to be some sort of scheduled cadence to their visits or else we don't love them. We finally set up weekly because I tried to just let it happen organically and that just meant every other day they asked to come and I was saying no like 3 times a week. It was exhausting.
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
@SweetiePie: I'm the opposite. I wish mine would come or take the kids with them way more.
My parents live 2 hours away and we see them maybe every 2-3 months for an actual visit. We live in a bigger city than they do, so sometimes they'll have an appointment or something here and I'll meet them for lunch or something, but they don't really see the kids that much, and we almost always go there.
pomegranate / 3350 posts
All parents live 1-2 hours away (closer to 1 than 2). The in laws will come to us 3 times a year MAX (for LO's birthdays and Christmas). Last year they came to us twice - for LO2's birthday and after LO3 was born. We go out to them more but not very often either because they have never made much effort to see us. We usually visit around Thanksgiving and 4th of July and a few other times during the year.
My parents are better. My dad and his wife will randomly come see us for a few hours every once in a while. My mom will come and stay with us for a few days here and there. We spend a lot of time at my parents' houses in the summer (like up to a week at a time) and will visit for the day or weekend randomly. I will say that it is rare to not see my family at least once a month except sometimes in the winter with bad weather and illnesses.
hostess / wonderful persimmon / 25556 posts
Mine live 2.5 hours away. We see them monthly. Sometimes they are coming into town to travel out of our airport so we see them for a night and they leave their car at our house.
honeydew / 7463 posts
@Mrs. Blue: You have twins right? No wonder you want them to come more I still just have one, maybe if I had 2 or more I'd feel differently. But the idea of monthly or every other month sounds heavenly.
The only upside is that I do have a reliable sitter weekly so I can make doc appts or get my hair did. But I would be OK with paying a sitter for that if it meant not seeing my ILs this often Clearly I have other issues with my ILs though!
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
@SweetiePie: I think more than one kids probably does affect how we feel (we actually have 3). When the twins were little, though, I was more protective of our space and time. After #3 arrived, I relaxed a lot more. We actually frequently say that when our friends complain about parents that want to keep and see the kids that we get jealous. It's not even just about having a break. It's that we wish our parents showed more desire to see their grandkids. Don't get me wrong, our parents are all great and they love their grandkids, it just doesn't seem like our kids are much of a priority to them. It's sort of like it's nice when it's convenient for them, if that makes sense, but not when much effort is required.
cantaloupe / 6017 posts
@SweetiePie: I'd probably have to be on medication to spend that much time with my in laws. That said, we are considering buying land with my parents and becoming next door neighbors....(they are great with boundaries so I think we'd probably see them once a week, maybe more if we needed childcare help)
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
My parents live 1 hour away. We probably see them once a month and they usually come to us.
MIL lives 2 hours away. We see her maybe 3-4 times a year, and it's about 50/50 whether she comes to us or we go to her.
FIL/SMIL live 4 hours away. We see them 3-4 times a year and have never gone to them yet. Usually we see them when they are visiting FIL's parents, about 1.5 hours from us and we go there.
nectarine / 2951 posts
My parents are just under an hour away and my mom takes care of the baby 1 day a week.
My IL live 2.5 hours away and they watch both kids 1 day a week.
All parties spend the night.
I'm very thankful for their help, but we're looking forward to when DS1 starts K so we don't have overnight guests weekly!!!! Only 20 months to go!!! Ha!
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
My inlaws lived about an hour away when we lived abroad. If I took public transportation, it was closer to 1.5 hours away.
I would see them on my own at least once a month. I would go with my son on Thursday, then my husband would drive over either Friday night or Saturday morning. We'd drive home together on Sunday. I felt it was really important that I did this because I knew we wouldn't always be close enough to see each other often. It was really great, I have to admit, to have my mother in law take over on the life admin stuff for a few days.
persimmon / 1445 posts
Both sets of parents live just over an hour away. We see my parents quite a bit and we come to them/ they come to us pretty equally. It probably works out to seeing them weekly and I sometimes spend the night when I go visit. My mom is one of my best friends and I really enjoy their company, plus they are a HUGE help with my kids when hubs is working long hours all weekend.
My ILs expect us to come to them to visit always and then complain that we don't see them enough. We probably go there once a month or every six weeks because I prefer to visit with DH. I find this to be super annoying since FIL is on medical leave from work (but is mobile) and MIL works a regular job... If you want to see them more, you can come to me.
nectarine / 2152 posts
My live just over 2 hours away and we see them 1-2x a month. They probably come here more often bc we don't have a car and my extended family is in NJ (we are also in NYC) but we got up there 6-8x a year because I love it. I wish we could see them more, I'd LOVE to see them weekly, it's so helfpul to have them around!
coffee bean / 43 posts
My parents live 2.5 - 3 hours away, and we see them around once a month. I usually go there with DD, because they live in a bigger city and I can work out of my firm's office there, so it's actually a real benefit for me. If we didn't go there, though, I know that my folks would make the trip up to us at least as frequently. Visits are usually 2-3 nights. Also, my mom is definitely my best friend, and my parents are super helpful with DD, so I'm happy with the frequency. I wish they lived closer!
My ILs live about 1.5 hours away, and we see them far less frequently. We only go there two or three times a year, and that infrequency has been a sore point for my ILs, but both DH and I agree that two to three visits are plenty. My MIL also comes to visit from time to time, usually for one night at a time.
pear / 1521 posts
My parents live one hour away. They watch our daughter twice a week (meeting at my work in the am which is only 25 minutes away and dropping her off in the pm). I love that she gets to spend so much time with both my parents.
We don't see them super frequently during the school year other than that, maybe once a month at their house, rarely out ours, or sometimes at my sister's. In the summer we see them all the time because they live in a beach town so we go down a lot.
My ILs live 4+ hours away and we always have to go to them. We try to go every 2-3 months. Hypothetically I would like to see them more frequently, or more so I'd like them to see their granddaughter more often, but realistically I would not want them coming to stay at our house a lot. So it is kind of a sore spot because they never visit (health reasons partially) but I know in reality I would be really unhappy with a lot of visits too.
kiwi / 702 posts
@Silva @Sweetiepie agreed re: ILs. They live a one hour flight away and I dread their visits. My parents live 45 minutes away and we see them weekly. They are retired and my mom takes care of my brother's baby one day/week 10 min from me so it's easy for them to come to us often. I would be totally happy to see them several days/week! We just moved across the country in October to be closer to my family so we are thrilled with this situation. The ILs though....ugh.
nectarine / 2018 posts
@SweetiePie: My mom would love to come weekly. It just doesn't work with her schedule. All of our parents still work though so they can't really come down during the week.
kiwi / 556 posts
All parents live 2 hours away and we see them every 4-6 weeks. We always go to them. ILs come to us maybe 3x per year, but we also have nowhere for them to stay. If we had a guest room they'd probably stay overnight. My parents couldn't visit us because we live in an upstairs apartment and my mom is in a wheelchair.
My mom wants us to come like every weekend (she would also love if we lived with her). I constantly have to remind her I saw my grandmother once a year! Idk why she thinks she's entitled to so many visits. Like, I've tried to explain it to her logically and she's just not open to logic. So I've just had to be the bad guy, which I'm totally okay with. My mom has crazy boundary issues, and I'm not shy about telling her she's being unreasonable. It's much easier now that I'm an adult and know reasonable people.
cherry / 106 posts
My parents are about 1.5 hr away and we see them at least once to twice a month. We drive to them. Husband's mom is about three blocks away from us and we see her about 1-2 times a month. She walks to us. Husband's step-mom is about 20-30 minutes away and we drive to see her about once every two months or so. Just to check up on her.
persimmon / 1095 posts
@SweetiePie: My IL's are 20 minutes away and we only see them every other week. I can't imagine having to see them every weekend! That's our choice, not theirs.
coconut / 8483 posts
Both sets of parents are 3 hours away (same city) my mom comes to visit every 3-4 weeks for 2 nights. My ILs come maybe every 8 weeks. We go there every few months and stay with my mom but see my ILs lots too. They are good friends with my parents so we all hang out together quite a bit.
3 hours is too long in the car with both kids to be enjoyable. Lol.
If DD starts being a bit better in the car I'm going to try to go visit for a weekend one out of every 5 weekends since DH will be working and it's nice to have some help at my moms/swim in her pool
grapefruit / 4085 posts
My parents are about an hr away and come over once a week. I SAH and they help me out plus love seeing the kids. We go to their house on a weekend once a month or so. I love having them come over.
honeydew / 7463 posts
@alphagam84: Oh no, I won't see them every weekend either. That's our own family time when DH is off and we can do things just the 3 of us. I put the kabash on that super early.
Their weekly visit is usually Monday or Tuesday.
pomegranate / 3231 posts
My parents and my MIL are both about 45 mins away, in opposite directions. They are all retired.
My parents provide childcare for us two afternoons per week. This arrangement is about 2.5 years old and started when I went back to work when my son was 3 months old. They also take my son overnight probably once every other month. Other than that we only see them on major holidays / events.
My MIL would only be satisfied if we moved into her house. She goes through periods of being especially demanding. Over the summer my husband was at her house practically every weekend. Sometimes my son and/or I were there too. I finally lost it and put my foot down to my husband. Every weekend she would call him at 8am on Saturday to ask if we were busy and, if not, when were we coming over. I look forward to my down time with my nuclear family, and I was tired of her trying to pull the rug out from under me every.single.weekend.
Now my husband and I have agreed that we will visit her approximately once per month. I refuse to commit to any sort of schedule because I will not tolerate having to "make up" a visit. So far there have been four visits in the past 2.5 months. One was at our house (on Thanksgiving), one was Christmas, and two others were "just because".
There is the added issue that she is jealous/resentful that she is not allowed to babysit while my parents babysit often. There are a number of valid reasons why I do not trust her to watch my son unsupervised. She has a standing invitation to visit him any weekday afternoon, either when my parents are there or our sitter is there, but that is not good enough because she does not like how his nap interrupts the afternoon, and she does not like driving to our town and dealing with the challenging parking situation. My sympathy is low since my parents put up with identical logistics and accommodate our terms. My MIL wants everything on her terms and, well, I have some choice words for her on that topic!
pomegranate / 3231 posts
@SweetiePie: Holy shit there is no way I would tolerate a scheduled weekly visit like that unless I was not home! I wouldn't tolerate it with my parents OR my MIL!
persimmon / 1322 posts
My parents live an hour and 45 minutes away. We see them about once a month on average. I try to take kiddo up to their house for a weekend every couple of months. They frequently come down for a day. And my mom is down here for work most months. We'd all love to visit more, but it's a bit far.
pomegranate / 3658 posts
ILs are 45 min away, though it can be an hour in traffic. They've only been living here for 3.5 months so not sure if this will be the pattern, but so far we've spent at least one weekend per month at their house, and they have come down to our house at least once a month in addition to that. I don't like to go to their house for just a few hours, I strongly prefer to make it a whole weekend if we're going to go there.
honeydew / 7463 posts
@ElbieKay: Oh believe me, the scheduled weekly visit took a long time to come to terms with. I fought it tooth and nail but in the end I gave in because we have friends with a similar in law situation (actually her inlaws and my inlaws are BFF) and she swore that a scheduled weekly created less stress than trying to let it happen organically. And it is true. We started maybe 6 months ago (not even) and instead of asking every other day and me always saying no and then getting an earful because "it's been two whole weeks! It's not right to deny us this joy!" 🙄 Now we know it's Monday each week unless it doesn't work for ME. If it doesn't work for her then it's too bad because I most likely already made plans for the rest of the week.
I definitely don't schedule make ups, like keeping track and if they missed last week now they get two days this week. No. Doesn't work that way.
They travel semi frequently and it's pure bliss when I don't have to see thm for 2-3 weeks straight. BLISS.
Anyway, I was firmly against it but in the end it's less stressful this way. Would my preference be less needy ILs that could go with the flow and tolerate not knowing when the next visit will be? Absofuckinglutely. But that's not what I have so I'm trying to make the best of it.
I know from the past that you and I are very similar personalities so trust me when I say it's not easy!
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