In-laws vent thread. « Hellobee Boards

In-laws vent thread.

By MrsRoo Nov 16, 2016

I'm seeing red and just need an in-law vent to clear my mind, so please bear with me!

My little sister is getting married in a few months. It's a child free wedding but my older daughter is a flower girl. When they made the decision to have no children we asked my in laws if they could watch our girls after the ceremony. They agreed and to make it easier on everyone since the wedding is about an hour away from in laws house I asked them to come to the ceremony so that they could watch the baby and be close to take the toddler after photos. DH and I are both in the wedding. Apparently at lunch the other day FIL told DH that he hoped we weren't counting on them to watch the girls for the wedding. We clearly were relying on them since they agreed months ago when the date was set. DH called MIL and ultimately there was no reason given for them cancelling plans to watch the girls but during the course of the call, MIL mentioned that they never got a save the date for the wedding and they saw ours on our cork board so they knew that they already went out. What?! Why would they need a save the date to babysit our children for my sisters wedding? This just seems beyond childish to me and I can't believe that now we have to find an overnight sitter for our two kids. Ugh. Am I nuts? Should I have had my sister send a save the date to my in laws who were coming to the ceremony at our request specifically to watch our children since literally every single other family member is involved in the wedding?

Anyone else have any in law drama and want to commiserate? I usually love my in laws but I just can't with this today.

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26 comments

Mrs. Lemon-Lime
wonderful pea / 17279 posts

Nov 16, 2016

let me get this straight, they are not invited to your sister's wedding? They have only been asked to babysit?

I don't know why they would think she should have sent them a STD. They aren't guests.
MrsB2012
nectarine / 2466 posts

Nov 16, 2016

Exactly @Mrs. Lemon-Lime! They weren't invited to the wedding as guests, they were invited to the ceremony by OP strictly to babysit. If they weren't going to be babysitting, they ever would have been invited to the wedding I'm assuming. That is so incredibly childish of them to be acting this way. So they're actually not going to watch your kids? Can you try and talk to them about it? That's crazy, I'm sorry you have to now try and find an overnight sitter.
skipra
pomegranate / 3350 posts

Nov 16, 2016

That is so weird and annoying! I'm sorry. I have also had my in laws cancel or just not show up the few times we needed them. It is sad when family won't help family for dumb reasons.
MrsRoo
pear / 1642 posts

Nov 16, 2016

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: @MrsB2012: omg. Thank you for making me feel sane.
That's correct. They are not guests and would not be coming to the wedding at all if not to watch our children while my husband and I stand up with my sister and her fiancé during the ceremony. The worst part is that DH went to bat for this craziness! He said that he understands because them not getting a save the date makes it seem like we're using them..... ummm. We asked them to baby sit. now I'm pissed at my in-laws and DH.
erinbaderin
pomelo / 5573 posts

Nov 16, 2016

....wow. This seems so childish and petty I almost can't believe it. I might ask your husband to press them on why they can no longer do it and remind them that you were relying on them.

Edited after I saw your comment: you ARE using them! You're using them as babysitters! That's the whole point!
gotkimchi
nectarine / 2400 posts

Nov 16, 2016

@MrsRoo: they're being weird! I would totally call them on it. Like "I'm sorry there must be some confusion, we were relying on you to babysit, not attend the wedding as guests per say." Then because this would annoy my in laws I would say "no prob we'll find another sitter" and then they would fall all over saying oh no we can do it!
Adira
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts

Nov 16, 2016

WTF?? Do these people not understand what babysitting means?? My parents babysat my kids when I was in a wedding. They obviously didn't receive an invite to the wedding and were not offended. That's just CRAZY.

Did your in-laws not understand that they are just there to BABYSIT? Not actually attend the wedding?? Did they think they were also attending the reception and just bringing the kids to watch them (even though it's a child-free reception)???
MrsRoo
pear / 1642 posts

Nov 16, 2016

@erinbaderin: yessss. I told DH that we were definitely using them as baby sitters and he was not pleased with that response
@gotkimchi: this is what I'm hoping will happen. I just need to give myself a day or two because right now its so ridiculous that I'm not sure I can talk to MIL without either cursing or laughing.
@Adira: this is the only explanation I can come up with. But since I'm the one who asked MIL to come to the ceremony and then take the girls home, I'm at a loss As to how there could have been such a giant misunderstanding.
Truth Bombs
grapefruit / 4321 posts

Nov 16, 2016

@MrsRoo: I'm so confused. Did you husband think his parents were coming as guests?
MrsRoo
pear / 1642 posts

Nov 16, 2016

@Truth Bombs: this was an easier question to answer a few hours ago. I don't think he believes they were ever coming as guests. I think he just got defensive and started defending them when he told me his moms reasoning and I told him how utterly ridiculous that sounded. But he was (and is) at work, so our conversations have been very limited today.
PawPrints
pomegranate / 3658 posts

Nov 16, 2016

I think I get where they are coming from. I would feel extremely uncomfortable attending a wedding ceremony that I hadn't been invited to. I think when you arranged with them to attend the ceremony they probably assumed they would be invited. (If it's an hour away, presumably they would be physically at the ceremony while watching the kids?) I think you should have spoken to your sister about sending them a STD/invite.
Truth Bombs
grapefruit / 4321 posts

Nov 16, 2016

@MrsRoo: if he knew they weren't guests I don't get why he would be mad that you pointed out that you are in fact "using" them....? I have a husband who also can not admit when his mom is being crazy so I really feel for you.
MrsRoo
pear / 1642 posts

Nov 16, 2016

@PawPrints: thank you. I can see that perspective. I just did not even think to have my sister send a save the date. It was a very casual conversation about the arrangements for the day. Like " maybe it will be easier if you guys came to the ceremony so that dd2 won't disrupt and you'll already be there to just take dd1 after photos." I guess it's just a difference of perception. I would have expected that as adults if they would have been uncomfortable they would have talked to us about it rather than just canceling. Ultimately I'll call MIL in the next day or so and apoplogize that there was a miscommunication. That part is all on me, as it was my brilliant idea to ask them to come to the ceremony.
nana87
cantaloupe / 6171 posts

Nov 16, 2016

Gaaah this would drive me crazy too! I don't think it would have hurt to send them an invite/std, knowing that they would say no to the reception, but I also think it's beyond ridiculous for them to back out just bc they didn't get one
catlady
grapefruit / 4988 posts

Nov 16, 2016

I actually can see it from their perspective if you expected them to attend the ceremony (and presumably dress up, etc). Every time I've seen people bring ILs to babysit during a wedding, they've been in a hotel room somewhere, not attending the event. I personally would feel very weird going to a wedding that I wasn't explicitly invited to.
Mrsbells
squash / 13199 posts

Nov 16, 2016

@MrsRoo: I'll play the devils advocate and say it clearly sounds like a misunderstanding. I think asking them to come to the ceremony just to watch your kids is kind of asking for a lot because they still have to dress up, they cant just show up in jeans and a shirt. So this probably got them confused to thinking they were guests of the wedding?

I know my mother is easily confused with things and I have to really emphasize and repeat things before she finally is clear on them
Mrs. Lemon-Lime
wonderful pea / 17279 posts

Nov 16, 2016

@PawPrints: I could see that. @MrsRoo: once you presented it like come to the ceremony since it will be easier I would as your ILs have asked "are you sure we are invited?" Hopefully, you can smooth over the miscommunication and get your sitters back!
MrsRoo
pear / 1642 posts

Nov 16, 2016

@catlady: @Mrsbells: yes! Thank you, different perspectives from people outside the situation are exactly why I came here.
Full disclosure: its an outdoor ceremony at a public park, so I figured it would be great to have the in laws come and they could walk the baby around the corner to the playground if she got restless. We actually did offer to put them up in a room at our hotel with the girls but they declined, preferring to take them back to their home.
Regardless of the circumstances, why cancel outright? Why not just say that they aren't comfortable coming to the ceremony but still watch the girls? It's an out of town wedding for us, with all of my local family involved in the wedding. So now we are having to find a sitter in a different city who doesn't know our kids- and in laws are aware of that.
Boogs
hostess / papaya / 10540 posts

Nov 16, 2016

So I can totally see this happening with my relatives. They would get their feelings hurt because they weren't technically invited by the hosts, so they wouldn't feel welcome. They were verbally asked to be at the ceremony, even if it's just to help with kids, so I think it's more they are offended and don't feel welcome. I'm sure if you explain it all they will still help.
JennyD
clementine / 990 posts

Nov 17, 2016

such a ridiculous situation! What did they think!?! If they were confused, why didn't they just call and ask!?!

My mom did something similar to me this summer. I thought I was going to have to cancel a trip I'd been planning for 6 months. I was furious!

Hopefully they'll come around. Can you talk to them again?
gingerbebe
cantaloupe / 6131 posts

Nov 18, 2016

Sorry, your in-laws are being nuts. Period. Roll your eyes, find another sitter, move on.
MrsRoo
pear / 1642 posts

Nov 18, 2016

@JennyD: that's so frustrating! My dad is doing something similar to my brother right now, too. WTH, grandparents??
After DH came home and gave me the details of the conversation, I won't be talking to them about this. His mom told him that she never even spoke to me regarding the plans to watch the girls and that they were "not interested" in watching them that weekend but would still watch them on the weekend of the bridal shower. Gee, thanks.
So yea, I'm done with this. Doing exactly as @gingerbebe: suggests and moving on for the sake of family relationships during the upcoming holidays.
gotkimchi
nectarine / 2400 posts

Nov 18, 2016

@MrsRoo: ugh so frustrating!!! This exactly why I try to avoid using his parents for anything! I hope you find a great sitter and can have a fun time at the wedding!
birdofafeather
pineapple / 12053 posts

Nov 18, 2016

@MrsRoo: that is so strange! i mean, you can't force someone to watch your kids and i wouldn't want to convince them to if they weren't interested, but that is so weird for her to completely disregard your conversation!
MrsRoo
pear / 1642 posts

Nov 18, 2016

@birdofafeather: yea. It's nuts. She's always been a little spacey, but she told my husband that they never actually committed to watching the girls and never spoke to me about it. I'm chalking it up to in-law weirdness and calling it a day. Thankfully we still have time to make other plans.
Lilmrsm
pea / 24 posts

Feb 22, 2017

@skipra: My in laws cancelled Christmas Eve dinner at last minute because we live near my MILs sister and they would be going there Christmas Day and invited themselves over when I wanted to leave to go to my parents house so they could just head to her sisters house afterwards.

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