LO and her preschool teacher-any suggestions?

By autumnlove Oct 27, 2016

LO 2 (3.5) loves her two regular teachers but she refuses to speak to a floater teacher that she sees a couple times a week. This teacher says LO only communicates with her non verbally or ignores her.
LO has mentioned a few times that this teacher is always so "cranky" and she isn't "nice" but won't elaborate.

LO was crying hysterically when I picked her up yesterday. The floater teacher told me that she tried to "force" LO to answer a question (about her C share object) repeatedly for a few minutes because she is tired of seeing her mute. The teacher apologized for the situation but said she is a little frustrated because LO talks to her peers and other teachers. I suggested that we set something up with the director (who is on vacation) for next week.

Ugh, any suggestions? I don't want LO to ignore her but I also don't want to force it.

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17 comments

mediagirl
hostess / wonderful persimmon / 25556 posts

Oct 27, 2016

@autumnlove: wow. That's terrible that she tried to force her to answer a question. I don't have any suggestions.I think I'd just ask the teacher to let my child be. She needs to work through her feelings about the teacher and if she doesn't want to participate, please don't force her.

There is a teacher my daughter does NOT care for. She raised her voice at M once and since then, she stays far, far away from her. If the teacher is in the room when we arrive, she goes to the other side of the room. Thankfully in our case this is not one of her teachers anymore.
Pollywog
persimmon / 1111 posts

Oct 27, 2016

I'd want more details. How did she force? Why was communicating verbally critical? Why was this the moment to do it? Was LO being insubordinate or just quiet? A targeted line of questioning will probably show the teacher did this for her benefit, at your daughter's expense.
autumnlove
hostess / wonderful watermelon / 39513 posts

Oct 27, 2016

@Pollywog: the teacher says LO shared her cat ("this is my cat") when it was her turn but did not answer her direct questions. (What color is your cat? Does your cat have a name?) She told me that she asked LO the same questions about 4-5 times but got no response.
808love
pomelo / 5866 posts

Oct 27, 2016

I would talk to LO to find out why she didn't answer. (eta: Just read your post above. Yah that's too much. She could be better by rephrasing and giving wait time.) The crying hysterically would bother me a lot. I would mention that to the admin. I would try to be supportive of the teachers though and encourage LO to speak up by giving lots of opportunities, praise, explain, incentivize etc at home. Basically work on it with LO so that when the meeting rolls around you can tell them what you have been doing recently on your own and if it is working at school. I was a shy kid that was traumatized by a kindergarten teacher who scolded me on the first day of school but I dont know if I ever told my mom. So on the bright side, at least you were alerted to the situation so you can keep your eyes and ears on it.
Freckles
honeydew / 7444 posts

Oct 27, 2016

Yikes, i don't think the teacher is helping the situation at all!

I agree that you should set something up with the director, but i also think it would good to talk to LO and find out why she doesn't respond to her. There's a good chance she may not really be able to verbalize why...for my LO, it's usually "just because..."

My DD has a tendency to ignore her grandparents so i will usually ask her how she would feel if i never responded to her questions or talked to her, and try to come to an agreement/compromise. I've told her that while we don't have to be friend with everyone, we should still be respectful.
erinbaderin
pomelo / 5573 posts

Oct 27, 2016

Can you talk to your daughter about how she doesn't have to like the teacher or be her friend but it's important to be polite and that means when somebody asks us a question we answer them?

But it sounds like the floater teacher is taking it too personally and making the situation worse.
Mrs. Train
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts

Oct 27, 2016

To be honest I think the teacher was out of line. To say she is tired of your daughter answering everyone else but being mute with her. I work with preschool kids and you can't take anything personally. If a child doesn't feel like talking to me at any given time I smile and move on to another kid. What she did, and the hysterically crying that resulted is not going to help her any. I'm sure your daughter is even less likely to warm up to her now.

I would have a meeting with the director and then talk to your daughter. You can talk to her about being polite to adult figures like teachers and that even if you don't like a person it is polite to answer their question. She can be concise in her answers but at least answer the teacher. Think long term lessons. If there is someone at work that you don't like but have to interact with how do you handle it? Give her those tools now to interact with the teacher.
DesertDreams88
grapefruit / 4361 posts

Oct 27, 2016

On the flip side of most of the replies above, some parents including myself would think this is a good time & age to teach your child that we always try to answer questions from trusted adults and participate in class. I understand the outcome (crying) wasn't good, but I think the intention of helping your child participate is understandable.

How would you feel if your child were giving you the silent treatment? Wouldn't you want to work towards resolution? There are other ways, like making jokes and giving space, but I understand that this teacher was trying out different questions and trying to encourage your daughter to be brave / come out of her selective shell. Or maybe I'm being too optimistic.
Ajsmommy
pomegranate / 3355 posts

Oct 27, 2016

This is tough. Obviously I don't like that your lo was pushed to hysterics. Seems like the teacher should have better tactics than to do that. However, I know that being respectful and listening to and following trusted adult instructions is a biggie for my dh (more so him than me). He would insist that lo be respectful and respond. By purposefully ignoring an adult, especially one in "charge" he would say lo was misbehaving and that's not ok...... I'm not 100% with him... Although I do agree that our lo should learn to listen and be respectful, I don't necessarily think that by not answering though they are misbehaving.
autumnlove
hostess / wonderful watermelon / 39513 posts

Oct 27, 2016

@DesertDreams88: yeah, she is so chatty with the other teachers so I want her to be comfortable and talk with this teacher too.
DesertDreams88
grapefruit / 4361 posts

Oct 27, 2016

@Ajsmommy: definitely. love your/your DH 's thought process and answer. I understand the hesitation to label misbehavior, especially at this age.
tlynne
apricot / 317 posts

Oct 27, 2016

It's good that the teacher was honest and open to have this conversation with you. I can certainly understand being frustrated by a child who will talk to everyone except you (I have a foster child now who does this regularly). Maybe I'm a "meanie mom"...but to my children (5, 3, 1), I would have said "You're crying because...she asked you a question???" It may be time to have some simple discussions with her about how to treat other people and how giving the silent treatment is very rude. I'm not sure that I would have an issue with the teacher at all in this case.
autumnlove
hostess / wonderful watermelon / 39513 posts

Oct 27, 2016

@tlynne: we have lots of conversations with her about speaking to this teacher (and other adults) and how it is not ok to ignore her. She always says she will try but the teacher says she just freezes around her!

I asked LO more about circle time on our ride home. She said the teacher asked her the questions over and over and then yelled just talk already. Of course I wasn't there so maybe the teacher just raised her voice.

I just don't want the teacher to be frustrated and I don't want LO to develop more fears about her. Maybe the director can give us some tips!
KayKay
pear / 1961 posts

Oct 27, 2016

It sounds like maybe this has just become an anxiety-producing situation for your DD. I'd meet with the teacher and the director together and come up with a plan, but off the top of my head, I'd want it to involve the teacher giving your daughter some space for a length of time (i.e., don't go out of her way to try to engage with her), and then starting with small bits of short, very personal interaction (preferably one-on-one or very small group) to try to get her to open up...and making sure that those interactions are cheerful and happy and not confrontational.

At home and in all situations, I would still try to reinforce the messages about being polite and respectful and answering questions, but it really sounds like (as much as you can tell from a 3yo recollection) she has had some poor interactions that have made her anxious about this teacher!
JoyfulKiwi
nectarine / 2667 posts

Oct 27, 2016

@autumnlove: I think the teacher was way out of line and needs to back off. Your daughter has said how she feels. The teacher is not nice to her (embarrassing her in a group by trying to force her to do something that the teacher KNOWS is uncomfortable for her is definitely not nice). In the meeting, I think you should gently say that your daughter, for her own reasons, is not comfortable speaking to the teacher and you'd like your daughter to be respected. The teacher needs to realize that her adult feelings being hurt comes second to your daughter's sense of safety & comfort. The onus is on the caregiver to change and try to build a relationship, not for the child to magically conform.

I don't see this as an issue of your daughter needing to learn to be polite either. If she will non-verbally communicate & isn't defiant/will follow directions from that teacher (i.e. Teacher says time to clean up and DD does), then that should be enough. I think your daughter is doing a brave thing by speaking up to you when she's uncomfortable about an adult and not being bullied into doing something she doesn't want to do, all while still being respectful. She should be praised for listening to her instincts.
lilteacherbee
cantaloupe / 6791 posts

Oct 27, 2016

@JoyfulKiwi: Totally agree with you. I was a preschool teacher for 5 years and I know kids can do things that get under our skin, especially when there seems to be a "simple" solution (in our mind), but this teacher is definitely not handling it correctly at all. If she wants her to talk, she should be building a relationship and that takes time and lots of patience. I was a very shy kid and when adults tried to force me, it made it way worse. She's only 3.5 and the teacher is an adult. There are far better ways to handle this situation and hopefully the director will be able to help.
SugarplumsMom
bananas / 9227 posts

Oct 27, 2016

I'm in total agreement with @JoyfulKiwi: @lilteacherbee:

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LO and her preschool teacher-any suggestions?

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