So DD, age 2.5, is a super poky eater so our dinner time usually lasts for an hour plus... Tonight I made dinner (pork chops, mashed potatoes, asparagus- all things she likes and has eaten many times before). She refused to eat any of it. We sat at the table for 1 1/2 hours as I begged her to eat, tried to help her, did silly faces, etc. She kept telling me that she would only eat dessert and was generally getting pretty rude and belligerent. I gave her a sippy cup of milk and put her to bed without eating. I will not make her a different dinner and I really do not want to sit at the dinner table until 830 at night waiting for her to finally take a few bites of her meal. I know she didn't ruin her appetite because her afternoon snack was just blueberries. Is this reasonable? Does anyone else have a better way to deal with toddlers refusing meals?
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I would just make her sit at the table for a while then remind her that if she doesn't eat she might be hungry in the morning and move on. You can't make a toddler eat and putting so much energy into it is giving her the power. It used to stress me out so much (and honestly, still does) but I've put my son to bed without him having eaten dinner before and he's fine.
Something I read once has stuck with me: you decide what they eat and when they eat. They decide if and how much.
I wouldn't worry about it.
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Reasonable. I am a fan of Ellyn Satter's division of responsibility for feeding. The parent is in charge of what, when, and where the child eats, and the child is in charge of how much and whether she eats. So it's your job to offer healthy foods at mealtimes or snack times, and mealtimes can be at the table, but it's up to your DD to decide how much she's going to eat, and it's not uncommon for that to be nothing at all sometimes. You can read more about her philosophy here: http://ellynsatterinstitute.org/dor/divisionofresponsibilityinfeeding.php
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Reasonable. I'm not a short order cook. If my daughter doesn't like her meal, she gets toast and that's it. My husband wants me to give her a snack, but again, I will not make a separate meal for her andI know she is holding out for something she likes more (like goldfish or animal crackers). So that's our compromise: if she doesn't eat, she gets toast.
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Reasonable. Somewhere around 2.5 yrs, many of the kids I've known go through a phase where they really don't eat a lot, especially at dinner. My nephews had weeks where they would only eat two or three bites of dinner. But they eventually grow out of it and all the kids were staying on their growth curves. I wouldn't stress about it.
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Unreasonable in that there's no way I would have sat at the table for 1.5 hours! Ain't no one got time for that
If my LO refused to eat I would offer one boring alternative (usually greek yogurt) and otherwise, that's it, I woul remove the food and let him get up. I would remind him that he might be hungry but there would be no more food and he'd have to wait til morning.
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We tell DS (also 2.5) that this is his chance to eat. And if he wants to eat some of daddy's ice cream, he needs to eat X amount of dinner. It's up to him, but he usually complies. I don't make two dinners, but occasionally if dinner is not a tried and true favorite he can eat a pouch or fruit cup or something. Or he can choose not to eat.
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My oldest has to either eat or remain at the table until everyone is done. If he eats great if not he gets no extras no nothing. He knows and will generally eat at least some. My mom use to set a timer for my brother when he was younger. When the timer went off dinner was over and whatever he ate was all he got.
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@hilsy85: When I looked up and realized that the dinner I served at 7 was uneaten at 8:30, I decided that I was drawing a line. I know she can eat fast if she wants to- snacks and fruit get gobbled up and she can eat lunch super fast if we are at the pool...
Glad everyone thinks I am not a monster hahaha. DD cried in her bed for about 15 minutes and I started feeling like I was starving her.
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@MrsRcCar: I love the timer idea. I could start with a longer stretch since I have been indulging her pokiness and gradually get it down to a more reasonable time frame.
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I would have done the same thing, but i would not have sat at the table that long or begged her to eat. You may have unintentionally turned it into a power strugvle. We typically just say "you dont have to eat but theres no more food until breakfast so you might be hungry if you dont.". He occasionally refuses dinner but its no big deal. He makes up for it at other meals.
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Reasonable, but we set a timer. When dinner is over, it's over.
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Lol, you're super nice mom compared to what I would have been. When I was a kid, my parents' rule (and in particular with vegetables) was: if you don't eat if for dinner, you get if for breakfast tomorrow, and if you don't eat if for breakfast, you get it for lunch - and it won't taste any better warmed up. And they'd always remind me they were being nice - my mom would say "when I was a kid and refused to eat my dinner, my father would get out his belt." Then my grandma would chime in "and you should have seen what we had to eat for dinner when I was a kid during the great depression, straight lard, kids today, no idea..." I was very compliant, later my sister came along and downright refused to eat anything besides those mini frozen pizzas - she was so thin she was nearly off the growth chart - and my mom just gave up.
All that to say, I would've after some reasonable amount of time stuck the plate in the fridge and said - if you change your mind and get hungry later tonight, we can warm it up.
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Refusing is sometimes the only control kids have. My dd is reminded that the TV will not go on again until she eats something. That'll usually get a few bites into her. Tonight it was that we wouldn't go out to the playground. She still didn't eat, so we didn't go. You have to stand by your consequences. Hubby wants her to clear her plate, but I remind him that I don't believe that should be a rule until a kid is responsible for PUTTING the food on the plate.
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More than reasonable. I wouldn't have sat at the table for over an hour. They eat what I cook or nothing, no alternatives and if they don't eat they go to bed hungry. No bedtime snacks and only a treat if they eat well and try 2 bites if all the items on their plate.
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We make DS (2 and 3 months) stay at the until he eats or it is bedtime (usually an hour later or so). We give him a really small serving to start so it isn't unreasonable to ask him to eat it. But if he is taking forever we just get up and start doing other things. That will usually get him going because he likes to be included. If not he goes to bed with no supper. We've only had to go that far a few times.
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We di the same as @Pancakes
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Reasonable. I've even done this with my 20 month old. If he doesn't want to eat what I made, he doesn't eat. I let him have milk and then bedtime.
I asked my pediatrician about this at his 18 month appt because I was worried. She said to send him to bed without dinner. 1) he'll be fine and 2) if he wakes up hungry and I don't give in, he'll learn not to go to bed without dinner first.
He's never woken from being hungry after a night without dinner, so I think it's not likely anyway. -
@Pancakes: @MrsSRS: Yes, this is essentially my thinking as well.
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I think you have to look at the entire week of a child's eating in order to determine if it's okay or not. Sure, one night here and there isn't a problem, but if over the course of the week a pattern emerges, then you have more information to make an informed decision.
Also, are other meals taking this long? I wonder if dinner is too late and she's too tired (mechanically speaking).
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@hilsy85: haha, I'm with you! If the kid doesn't want to eat, I'm not going to sit around waiting. F that.
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My kid will scarf down breakfast (sometimes two one before we leave for school and then another at school) she does pretty good with lunch, dinner is usually hit or miss. I figure she just front loads her day. We dont do dessert or snack after dinner because we dont eat until 6:30-7 most nights. She sits at the table with us until we are done then she may be excused. If she refuses what we are eating, she gets a ready to eat item - yogurt, banana, carrot sticks. If she's taking a long time to eat i'll start cleaning up the table around her and she knows she can't help me feed the dog until she's done her dinner (its her favorite job to do) and he starts whining and she feels bad so she tends to pick up the pace.
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Uh...more than reasonable! I would not have sat with her for 1-1/2 hours!!
The only time so make something different is if they're not feeling well have been sick.
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Totally reasonable! I had this same problem with my oldest child when she was 3. She would insist she didn't want to eat dinner. So I told her you can have fruit (we always have fruit after dinner), so she'd eat an apple. Then go to bed and wake up the next morning and have a good breakfast. This went on for about a month. My mother and mother-in-law were totally against this and told me it was (sort of) abusive and that I should be basically force feeding her. I stuck to my guns but asked my pediatrician just to be sure. She told me there's nothing wrong with it at this age so long as she had 2 good meals a day. Which she did! A month later she was eating dinner without me pleading with her, and today she is an energetic 6 year old who eats 3 healthy-portioned well-balanced meals. You are doing the right thing!
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@oldsoulmama: I need to show this to my husband. He and I don't see eye to eye on this and he is more likely to give her snacks, so she definitely holds out for the good stuff (animal crackers and goldfish). It's a problem and one of the things that I'm not willing to bend on. She needs to eat what she's given (or she can have something boring like toast), but I will not give her snacks after that because she didn't eat.
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Totally reasonable except I also would never have sat there for 1.5 hours, or pleaded/bribed/etc to get my kids to eat. The alternative to dinner in our house is plain yogurt and fruit, they are always welcome to have those items either instead of dinner or with dinner. Sometimes they do, sometimes they barely eat anything, but I feel it's their decision whether to eat or not. I just offer the food.
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Reasonable, though I also wouldn't have sat there for an hour and a half! We don't allow LO to eat anything other than his dinner if he didn't eat it. So if later on, he says he's hungry, we bring his dinner back out. I don't want him to go hungry, but he has to understand that what I made is it. If he doesn't want it, then he doesn't have to eat it.
I never beg him to eat. I think that enables the power struggle, and also makes it seem like what you want her to do is a bad thing. So I put what he doesn't like on the plate. He doesn't have to eat it, but if he doesn't, he won't get anything else.
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@avivoca: Ha, trust me, my hubbie wasn't too thilled with my approach because he tends to coddle them more, but now he sees the method to my madness.
Kids will eat when they are hungry! -
More than reasonable! I used to be a very picky eater as a child and my parents' policy was that I at least had to try everything on my plate, but it was up to me as to whether I finished it or not. In general, if I hadn't tried something before, I "didn't like it". I can recall kicking up a huge fuss about refusing to even try any of the skin on a baked potato. End result was that I was served my ice cream for dessert... draped with baked potato skins. My dad has an odd sense of humour, but let me tell you, I never forgot that one! Oh... and now I always make sure to at least try things before deciding whether or not I like them
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Reasonable. We require one bite of each food (there are a few exceptions to foods he's tried 15+times and still dislikes...mostly mashed potatoes). After that, if there is dessert (or if he wants something like yogurt), we might require a larger amount in order to get dessert, but only one bite is required to be "done". He knows if he doesn't eat it, there's nothing more until morning. He's off the charts small, so it took us awhile to get here (because he would occasionally be losing weight), but at this point, his growth is stable and we're pretty clear about these rules.
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Very reasonable, though I agree with those who say an hour and a half is a very long time. It's usually a lesson that is quickly learned. I do not often offer alternatives to food that I've served. In fact, if the rest of the family is finished eating, and it's clear that one of the kids is just picking/playing with food, we give them 5 more minutes to finish what they want, then clear the table.
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I never offer my son a different meal, or let him have dessert if he doesn't make a good effort with dinner. I try not to force him to eat, but it's logical that if he's too full, he doesn't need alternative meal or dessert.
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@oldsoulmama: Yes, this. He will coddle her and says "You can't starve a toddler!" I say that I'm not starving her, she will learn very quickly. Last night she said she was hungry after 45 minutes, so I gave her her dinner again and when she didn't eat that, I said no more food until tomorrow. You know what? She didn't starve and she ate a good breakfast.
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Kids won't starve themselves! I don't beg or force food. I definitely wouldn't sit at dinner for 1.5 hours!
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I think reasonable. I put out what is for dinner and I do try to get her to try things but if she doesn't want to eat she doesn't eat. Sometimes she'll ask for a snack later, like 2.5 hours later (usually just a banana) so I will give her that. If she asked for it right after dinner I would give her the dinner plate back. I wouldn't sit at the table for 1.5 hours lol. She is only 2 so the "just one bite thing" doesn't work yet. She always eats fruit so I put that out after she's eaten (or not) her other food.
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We eat at the table together and we make our 4 year old sit there until we are all done. If she eats enough she gets a small treat (1 small piece of chocolate, etc). If she doesn't, no treat.
I do have "backups" that she can have if she doesn't like dinner. Applesauce pouches, yogurt, leftovers. I'm not cooking anything extra but if she will eat something easy, I do offer.
I am also not sitting at the table for so long and "making" her eat. If she's hungry, thats her own fault. -
Reasonable! DD has refused meals before (she's almost 18 mo). I'd always let her eat fruit, and drink milk before bed. On those days she didn't want to eat she never asked to eat anything else.
If my LO refused to eat I would offer one boring alternative (usually greek yogurt) and otherwise, that's it, I woul remove the food and let him get up. I would remind him that he might be hungry but there would be no more food and he'd have to wait til morning.
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