I had my daughter 17 days ago and feel like I am going to lose my mind. I am getting about 2 hours of sleep, we cannot breastfeed so I am exclusively pumping right now--my supply is also low, she is eating SO much. Is it normal to cry a lot and feel like you want to run away from your own child at times? My husband told me last night he has felt the same way. I just don't know if this is normal. When does it get better?!
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Ahh I know that feeling that first month... a few moments of bliss combined with very dark times. I felt the same.
I didn't end up EPing until 5 months, but I know how all consuming it is. Would it save some of your sanity to try combo feeding? Perhaps a bottle of formula in the evening given by your husband? It might not unburden you from pumping but maybe would help fill your kiddos tummy and ease your stress.
Exhaustion is emotionally draining. Physically draining.
Give it a few weeks..it will get better. But if you still feel sad or the fog isn't lifting reach out to trusted friends and your doctor. Post partum depression is real but nothing to hide. -
For me it got better when we got feeding under control. I'd say it took us a good 8 weeks to sort out latch and supply issues. It's a hard time and you are not alone in your struggles! It will get better in a few weeks! Hang in there!!! It will pass in time! Accept all the help you can, hire all the help you can!
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The first few weeks are HARD. I was nursing every 2 hours (even at night) and I felt like I was getting no sleep and that we had made a HUGE mistake in becoming parents! I also hadn't fully connected with my son, so I just felt like I suddenly at this STRANGER in my home who relied on my completely for everything.
Are you committed to pumping? My friends who did formula seemed to not have as much of a struggle as I did because they were able to swap off feedings with their partner and get at least 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep at a time, which I think really helped their sanity. I was committed to nursing, so obviously I just went crazy.
But it DOES get better. You really just have to take it one feeding at a time, then one day at a time, then one week at a time. By 7-8 weeks, I was in love with my son, nursing was easier, and I just felt so much better emotionally.
Keep an eye on your feelings though. If you feel like things AREN'T getting by 8 weeks, you might be in PPD/PPA territory.
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your doing great mama! I had a lot of the same feeling and I don't want to scare you but i ended up with PPD until DS was about 14 months old. I cried ALOT, about half way through month 2 I realized it was more than the baby blues. With that being said I'm also high sleep needs and had a newborn that screamed 12 hours a night for 4 months. Things do get better, you'll get into a routine and everything will settle into place. Honestly a decent amount of sleep just one night could make a huge difference. Is there anyone who could come over and watch the baby for a few hours so you and your husband could sleep? hang in there.
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You'll get through this and you're doing a great job. There were definitely times where I had to put a screaming baby down in his crib and walk away and shut the door to have a good cry to myself before I could go back and deal with it. If pumping is a struggle then you should really consider trying to supplement with formula and do not feel guilty or beat yourself up about it. It will get better!
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Im so sorry. I remember thinking where is the blissful sleepy newborn stage. The first month was a hard adjustment and honestly the first 3 months were not easy. After that we got into a grove and kept moving.
Please feel free to talk to someone if you need help but it sounds like hopefully your husband is listening as well. Find ways to support each other. Honestly even after 6 years of parenting, DH and I still have times where we both just want to "run away".
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I had a lot of trouble adjusting to the interrupted/lack of sleep when I had my first. I do remember the first few nights with her just wanting to sleep and being really annoyed I had to take care of her. Of course that made me feel guilty too! But I think a certain amount of that feeling is normal. I would still probably get in touch with your OB just to stay on top of possible PPD.
Regarding exclusively pumping, I 100% understand why people do it and would probably try the same if I were having trouble breastfeeding but from the perspective of a non-emotionally involved party I think that sometimes it would be better for all just to switch to formula. Or at least to supplement if you feel that will take an weight off.
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I feel like most of that is normal but would make sure to see a doctor pretty soon if the feeling of wanting to run away persists. It's common to have those oh my gosh what have I done moments but if they are overwhelming it could be a sign of PPD. Hang in there, those first couple months are crazy hard.
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Hugs
It took me 4 months to establish breastfeeding with my DD so I basically EPed that whole time. It was really tough, especially at the beginning, but it does get better! What really saved my sanity was buying 4 sets of flanges, connectors, valves and membranes. I would run the dishwasher twice a day so I didn't have to hand wash all the parts which I loathed, and it was definitely a time saver. Also, anytime my husband was home, he would give the baby a bottle while I pumped. This was essential at night, as it allowed us to get more sleep. If you aren't already using a hospital grade pump, I'd look into renting one, as it really is the best for establishing and maintaining a supply if you are EPing. I also believe that your well being is more important than breastmilk, so if you need to supplement a little, go for it. Or if you decided that EPing is not for you and you want to use formula exclusively, that's 100% ok! Hang in there mama!
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Oh Girl - I could have written this post exactly when my baby was 17 days old. Those first few months feel like a complete ongoing day that is never going to end. I felt like I made the biggest mistake and regretted having the baby. I look back on that time now and laugh at myself and willing to do it all again. I promise you will get through it, I did seek out help and was put on zoloft that helped me tremendously.
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Echoing what a lot have said - it could be very normal since it’s still SO early and the sheer exhaustion and shock of a new baby can really throw you for a loop. And baby blues are common in the first 2-3 weeks as hormones level off. However if it feels overwhelmingly like “I want to run away” for another week I would seek help.
I felt everything you felt (I made a huge mistake, I ruined my life, where can I leave him so I don’t need to deal anymore, I want to run away, etc). I didn’t seek help until very very late and even then I didn’t go on meds. In retrospect and after talking to my OB and other friends who went through it, I should have. I truly wasted the first year of my sons life feeling miserable when I didn’t need to. It DOES naturally get better but if you don’t feel happy more than you feel sad/scared/angry/overwhelmed, GET HELP. There’s no shame and you’ll be so much happier.Also want to echo that there is no shame in dropping pumping for formula or just combo feeding. I stopped EP’ing around 5-6 weeks and reallly it made a huge difference. I should have let go sooner. And this time (I’m 17 weeks with DS2) I’m not even going to attempt BF or Pumping, I don’t think. Formula is just way less stressful for me and I want to do anything I can for my mental health this time.
Hang in there. Things do get better, but seek help if you don’t feel significantly better in another week. Your pediatrician, OB, etc should all be able to help you.
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Totally normal.
My newborn screamed like he was on fire from the minute he was born and did. not. stop. He never had a sleepy newborn phase, he was just angry AF for 3 months. Absolute nightmare baby. Colic, reflux, the works. And it took a week for my milk to come in and I ended up switching to mostly EPing at 3 months because he sucked at nursing.
It took us 3 years and multiple losses to get him and I literally remember wailing to my husband that we made a huge mistake because this was just AWFUL. We did NOT enjoy the newborn phase at all and my son was not really enjoyable to be around until about 6 months old. (DS2 was our make-up baby, because he was awesome as a newb!)
My advice:
- Supplement with formula and save your sanity. My milk didn't actually come in fully until 6 weeks postpartum with DS1 and he NEVER slept and was ALWAYS screaming and I felt like I had to BF and I was attached to the pump on top of nursing for hours on end and I thought I was going to die. I remember thinking "this is what they do to terrorists at Gitmo." After a few weeks, my husband gently suggested we give just ONE bottle of formula in the evening so I could have a small break and it literally saved my life. With DS2, I supplemented from the jump and we were sooooo much happier.
- Usually things turn a corner by 12 weeks. I know that seems like an eternity away, but trust.
- It might/probably will get worse in the 2nd month. Weeks 6-8 were BRUTAL with both kids, with the 2nd month in general being awful. If you can line up help during that time, you will probably save your sanity.
- Do not wait for intervention for post partum depression and anxiety. I didn't think I had it because I wasn't depressed with my first, but its because mine manifested as anxiety and I had a nervous breakdown when he was 10 weeks old. There is a pretty bad crash at about 3 weeks postpartum, which is where you are just about at, but if you don't feel like its getting better at 1 month (or even sooner), get on Zoloft. It takes about 2 weeks to fully kick in, so waiting until you're about to jump off a bridge does not help.
- It is okay to say it sucks. Its okay to want to run away. I would leave my screaming baby with my husband KNOWING he would be screaming the entire time and just walk around Target for an hour every night just to clear my head. I had to, because I knew I would be up all night with the screaming goblin and I needed to psych myself up for it.
All the hugs. All of them.
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Oh, hon. I remember nursing and crying to my husband "he just NEEDS me so much! When does he stop needing me all the time?!?!" and "Why did we do this? We had such a nice life!" It will get better but don't be afraid to ask for help, let the baby cry for 10 minutes while you shower, or eat takeout from paper plates.
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@erinbaderin: YES the “why did we do this, our life was awesome” thought. And we did ivf and had multiple losses so getting pregnant was very deliberate - and I still was like “whyyyyyy did we want this?!? This sucks!”
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Agree on letting baby scream while you shower or grab something to eat.
Swaddle tight with loud white noise at night. Give their biggest serving right before you all go to bed so you can get a stretch. It gets better!!
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@SweetiePie: Me too, we spent five years trying to get pregnant and all I could think about was the vacations we could have taken with all that money.
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Mama we ALL feel you. Those newborn days are no joke. I don't know if there's a magic time for everyone for when it gets better... But I will tell you that it certainly will get better! Lots and lots and lots of hugs. You can do this! Don't hold your feelings in, ask for help (and accept help), and it's okay to cry, it's okay to not like your baby or your husband too sometimes!!
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We've all been there, yes! Newborns take and take. There is no give until they start sleeping consistently and you can actually be in a mental state to enjoy them. For my sons it all got better around the 3 month mark.
I can't recommend formula enough
you will get much needed rest and stress goes WAY down. Meanwhile your baby is FED and all needs are met. It's a personal choice I know but just chiming in with some advice!
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I'm 5 weeks postpartum and pumping so I feel your pain! It's been quite a transition and I don't really have much advice (still in the thick of it!), but here's some things that have worked for me:
- Keep pump parts in fridge and only wash once a day.
- Supplementing a few bottles a day. DH always takes the first MON feed so I can get several straight hours of rest. I no longer worry if I don't have time to pump immediately, don't have any ready, etc. I want baby to get as much BM as possible, but I also need a break!
- Rock n Play. If you don't have one - get one.
- Getting out. I feel so much better and LO tends to be less fussy when we go out. Even if it's just to walk down every aisle at the grocery and not buy anything, a change of scenery is key for sanity.
- Hands free pumping bra.Remember you're not alone! I'm typing this as my pump is attached and listening to LO wail in the other room with DH. Just taking it one day at a time
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@annem1990: all great tips!
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@isabellemom: Oh yeah, if we're going brass tacks coping advice:
- Buy some wet bags on Amazon and keep your pump parts in there for the fridge. Way better than Ziploc bags.
- I kept 2 sets of pump parts so that if one set was dirty and I couldn't deal with cleaning them, another set would be clean and ready to go. The wetbags come in sets of 2 anyway.
- Rumina pump and nurse tanks. (I don't like their bras). You can just wear them and pump in them directly.
- If you do need a pumping bra, the Simple Wishes TIE-BACK bra is cheaper and lasts longer than the velcro one.
- Generally, I was "off the clock" from about 8pm to midnight. The feeding that happens in that block was a bottle of formula by my husband. That would give me time a chance to rest, shower, pump, and go to bed.
- DH also handled any wakeup after 5am and before he left for work in the morning. There is usually a feeding in that block, so he gave the baby the milk I pumped before bed the night before. That would then also free me up to do a morning pump and get a bite to eat.
- DH was responsible in that 8-12pm block to do all the dishes and wash the bottles and pump parts. He also folded laundry. I usually ran the laundry during the day.
- A daily stroller walk (and a walk around Costco or Target if weather was bad) or babywrap walk helped get my endorphins going and helped my mood and anxiety a lot.
- I know people say its BS, but I always slept when baby slept. Like, I didn't care if nothing got done around the house. With DS1, it wasn't really an option because he never slept, but I learned my lesson with DS2 - I napped when he napped. Period.
- The parent who is sleeping should try to maximize their rest and sleep separate from the baby with ear plugs and white noise and a sleep mask.
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Yes this is normal. The adjustment to someone needing you 24-7 to stay alive is terrifying and hard and there's no way to prepare for it. And the lack of sleep. It's torture.
And maybe on top of that, you've got one of those babies that's just mad all the time. One of mine was like that, and I fought so hard for her to come into the world and still, it was weeks of "omg what have I done, I've ruined everyone's life, I'd run away and be a homeless person if that would get me away from her." She is a sweetheart but yikes, she still has a scary temper and major lungpower.
Anyway - normal or not, keep your doctor aware you're struggling in case this starts to turn into POD. And if anyone is able to take baby for a long walk to let you sleep, take the offer!!!
Wishing you more sleep soon.
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I swear I have PTSD from the newborn stage. I can't even read this post without getting panicky and it's been over 2 years! I repeatedly told my husband we had ruined our lives and that I wanted to run away.
So yes, it's normal. But also maybe not - around six weeks I decided I needed help and got Zoloft and therapy for PPA (I was also having constant panic attacks and not sleeping because I had to check on her all night long). Things got better for me when I started medication, and I'd say DD got easier around 6-7 months when she could sit up on her own and we sleep trained.
In retrospect I'd: 1) get help faster, 2) probably supplement some, and 3) let her cry a little more. Hang in there!!!
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@Mama Bird: Yes! We always joked that DD hated being a baby. She only got happier each time she gained more independence - sitting, crawling, walking, talking.
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@gingerbebe: I've added a set of those wet bags to my list of stuff to buy before baby comes - hadn't heard of them and they look great!
@isabellemom: I hope things get better soon
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I feel like I wrote this post. My DS is 5 weeks old and I have the same feelings. I had 3 meltdowns in the hospital - the nurse had to put a 'do not disturb' sign on my door so I could let it all out and get some rest.
I remember looking at my husband telling him I missed him and I missed the childless 'us'. I asked him in the hospital if we could still go on dates. I was going crazy! Even though I'm home with my cat, I miss my cat! I miss the attention I gave her. I also have had the 'what have we done?!?" and "I miss my old life" thoughts. I went to my PCP last week and she put me on anxiety medication which has helped. My anxiety was so bad that I had the jello leg feeling for the first month. I was running to the bathroom four times a day because of the nerves. I hear him cry when he's not crying. It's haunting.
I am really hoping things get better at month 3 (that is what everyone is telling me). I am also EPing - my supply can't keep up with his demand. I think I am going to supplement soon with formula.
Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Your post made me feel so much better and made me feel less guilty. I'm not sure what kind of family you have nearby, but my sister would come over every night and we would go for a walk, just us two for about an hour. My rule was to not talk about baby related things. That has helped tremendously. I would always cry in the evening, because I was dreading the overnight. Thankfully, the medicine has helped with that and I haven't cried for a week.
Hang in there. If you ever want to vent or just let it all out, feel free to PM me. We will get through this
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@Mademoiselle3: This also sounds soooo much like me. I also had breakdowns in the hospital but the nurse and staff weren’t very comforting/understanding. And 5pm was the WORST time of day for me every day. The panic I felt knowing it was almost night time and I wouldn’t get decent sleep. It was also fall (September) and starting to get darker earlier and I felt like a prisoner. I later heard that is a very common time of day for PPD to peak. You’re spent from the day, tired, cooped up, and the doom of night feedings are looming.
And I also missed my husband and when it was just us two TREMENDOUSLY. I actually started getting sad about losing “us” even before the baby was born, so maybe I was starting to have some depression before I was actually postpartum. I would lay in bed at night while he slept next to me (my husband) and cry about the fact that we wouldn’t be able to give each other 100% anymore.
YOU also are not alone. It does get easier (parenting/babies in general) and you are doing the right thing going on meds. I would also maybe suggest seeing an actual psychiatrist so that they can talk to you about it AND adjust meds as needed (I’m not sure how experienced a PCP is in anxiety/depression medication).
And to further illustrate how not alone you are, I joined a new moms group when my son was 5 weeks old. 10 moms were in it and 8/10 felt everything you and I and so many posters above felt. Only 2 felt that gushy, mushy cloud 9 “I love a newborn” feeling. TWO! Out of TEN!
I also couldn’t fathom having another baby for a loooooong time. Like I didn’t understand how anyone could possibly have another, it was totally foreign to me. But here I am, 18 weeks pregnant with #2. It took a long time to be ok wth it (my son is now 3) but I eventually got there. I still have days where I am terrified and dreading the newborn stage. But the 2nd time around you are more prepared for what to expect and you also have a better grasp of how short lived the shitty times are. When I was in the thick of it with my son I felt like my life would suck FOREVER and I’d never sleep again, I’d never get my relationship back, I’d basically never be happy again. I am happy to report that none of the above is true
He started sleeping 7pm-7am at 4/5 months. My husband and I are better than ever (after some really dark times) and go on regular date nights (several a month). And I am happy every. Single. Day. As Charlotte said in the SATC movie, I’m not happy all day every day. But I am happy every day.
I’m by no means saying you will want to or should want to have another. I’m just trying to explain that if I can get on board with having another that MUST mean that it gets insanely better.Keep your eye on small milestones. 6 weeks they smile, for example. Take it day by day and week by week. Speaking of weeks, download the Wonder Weeks app. It helped me to focus on small milestones and prepares you for when it will be rough (cranky fussy baby). It’s often developmental and knowing when it will happen AND knowing why it’s happening helped me a ton.
Oh, and for my personality type AND because I really wanted to get back to normal, I was very big on getting the baby on a schedule. I could get him on at least a predictable routine (using EASY) starting around 6 weeks. I also live and die by Babywise. Check it out, if you are a scheduled, regimented type of person. If you’re not and more of an easy-breezy, follow baby’s cues person, it’s not for you. But it helped me a TON.
None of you are alone, that’s what this community is for
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I'm reading Hillary Clinton's "What Happened" and just read this passage and thought it might be of comfort:
"My desire to be the best mother in the world didn't translate into knowledge about how to do it. At first, I was pretty inept. In those early days, she wouldn't stop crying. I was nearly frantic. Finally, I sat down and tried to my best to make eye contact with this squirming infant. "Chelsea," I said firmly, "this is new for both of us. I've never been a mother before. You've never been a baby. We're just going to have to help each other do the best we can." Those weren't magic words that stopped her wailing, but they helped, if for no other reason than that they reminded me I was completely new at this and should be gentle with myself.
Over the years, I've met so many frazzled new mothers who can't figure out how to soothe their babies or get them to nurse or sleep, and I see in their eyes that same discombobulation I felt in those early days of Chelsea's life. It reminds me all over again how having a newborn is like every switch in your body being flicked on simultaneously. Your brain becomes a one-track mind - is the baby ok, is the baby hungry, is the baby sleeping, is the baby breathing - playing on an endless loop. If you're a new mother reading this, sleep-deprived and semicoherent, maybe wearing a tattered sweatshirt and dreaming of your next shower, please know that so many of us have been right where you are. You're doing great. It'll get easier, so just hang in there. And maybe ask your partner or mom or friend to take over for a few hours so you can have that shower and get some sleep."
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@SweetiePie: Thank you. Your response is so comforting. This is a topic that is not talked about (at least IRL) and hearing from other moms has been the most helpful and therapeutic for me. I cannot believe that 8/10 moms in your mom group felt this way.
I have definitely thought about seeing a psychiatrist. For medicine and for sessions. I am looking into some who specialize in post partum.
My husband and I have been googling the benefits of having one child lol! So we have those feelings of "I can't believe people actually choose to have more than one". We are totally still in that phase. I know I will look back on these times thinking how crazy things have changed and may even consider having another one!
Thank you for the advice. I hope that other moms benefit from reading these posts. It has truly been the best medicine.
@erinbaderin: wow. what an excerpt! HRC even felt this way - weirdly enough, that's comforting! lol. Thank you for sharing.
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This was me with my first baby. She screamed all the time. Breastfeeding was a nightmare. I spent all my time either feeding her or pumping. I was in pain. I was exhausted. I didn't bond with my daughter because I was terrified of her and her screaming. I felt like I ruined our lives. It was suggested to me I had PPD, and maybe I did (I never saw anyone) but also-- some babies are just fucking HARD and when life sucks why would I not be depressed?! For me it did get better pretty quickly-- by 6 weeks I no longer felt like I'd ruined our lives. By 8 weeks I was actually happy.
I have a second now who is 18 days old and it's a whole other thing. This is an easy baby. I'm not a different mom. This is just an easy baby, and there is a HUGE difference between an easy baby and a hard baby and it has nothing to do with you. Second-- I'm giving myself a break this time. Fuck the pump. Seriously. I have low supply again and IDGAF. I'm nursing 10 min per side when she's hungry, and supplementing with formula. This means 1) she's a lot more satisfied than my first was after eating and 2) I'm spending 45 min feeding, max, instead of the 1.5+ hrs I spent feeding my first. This makes a huge difference in my happiness.
So IMO if supplementing and/or quitting bf/pumping will make you happier-- do it. Taking the easier route is totally valid if it saves your sanity. But also realize some babies are just really hard babies and it WILL get better. (And also if you choose to have more babies, they will likely be easier than this baby).
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@Littlebit7: @Adira: @LadyDi: @petitenoisette: @sillymilly: @gingerbebe: @Modern Daisy: @annem1990: @Dahlia: @Mademoiselle3: @Mae: Only because so many of you have mentioned how supplementing or switching to formula entirely helped their mental health, I had to share this. I just read it today and it reminded me of the anguish I’ve read about pumping and BF in a few threads here lately.
There is no shame in supplementing or just switching to formula entirely. NONE! -
Yes, I definitely felt like this with both my kids!! What I used to tell myself is that people have multiple kids, so it has to get better sometime.
He started sleeping 7pm-7am at 4/5 months. My husband and I are better than ever (after some really dark times) and go on regular date nights (several a month). And I am happy every. Single. Day. As Charlotte said in the SATC movie, I’m not happy all day every day. But I am happy every day.Reply
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