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Pregnancy After Loss Support Thread

  1. StrawberryBee

    nectarine / 2530 posts

    @periwinklebee: thanks, I think so too! She unfortunately already doesn't get 100% of my attention since this pregnancy has hit me harder than I'd like, both physically and mentally. Looking forward to bringing little miss home and settling into our new normal. I hate unknowns.

    The nursery is loosely based on moana . I ordered a decal for the wall with one of my favorite quotes, and we have lithographs I'll be putting up on the wall from when we bought the blu ray from the Disney store. Oh, and a pua plush (the pig character) that I couldn't resist getting. Besides a few new newborn outfits I've just been washing all of DD's old clothes and things! I'm glad I kept them all, even though it meant shlepping them through two moves. I am looking forward to purging once we age out of stuff this time though . With DD I bought girly stuff before I even knew she was a girl lol. With this one I've been scared to buy much in case I jinx things.

  2. delight

    pomelo / 5326 posts

    @StrawberryBee: Just popping in to say hi! Can't believe our girls are 4 already! Mine has reverted to acting like a baby a lot these days. Especially since baby bro arrived. Best wishes for the remainder of your pregnancy! It'll be so fun for you to have two little girls

  3. StrawberryBee

    nectarine / 2530 posts

    @delight: thanks!! It seems like just yesterday we were all sharing our journey. I still can't get over that we have engaging four year olds with opinions and minds of their own. I just reread her birth story yesterday and got all nostalgic at how far we've come. Thank goodness for HB and having so much effortlessly documented.

  4. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @StrawberryBee: The nursery sounds gorgeous! It's awesome too that your daughters will have very similar birthdays - perfect for using the same adorable baby clothes. Good luck with getting everything set up - I'll be thinking of you over the next few weeks!

  5. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    Does anyone else have a really hard time buying maternity clothes?

    I think it's because I had just bought some when we lost Virginia. But I'm seriously starting to be lacking when it comes to work clothes (I have two pair of pants that work, and maybe 8 shirts) and am officially out of all "normal" clothes.

    How did you reconcile wanting to be comfortable and look halfway decent with fearing you were jumping the gun and wasting money (or would just have to go through the hassle of returning a ton of stuff)?

    I mean, I'm pretty thrifty. So it's not like I'm throwing down hundreds of dollars...but I still just have this lingering fear

  6. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @MaryM: I'm sorry I waited until after the anatomy scan for the most part to buy maternity clothes, largely for that reason, but thankfully my anatomy scan was on the early side because I couldn't have waited much longer. It's so much more comfortable now to be entirely in maternity clothes. Maybe try to focus on it as doing something kind for yourself, pregnancy can be uncomfortable in so many ways that we can't help, that you at least deserve to find some stuff that can make you feel comfortable and confident now, irregardless of ultimate wear.

  7. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    @periwinklebee: I went ahead and ordered a couple things (Gap and Motherhood have really good sales today!)

    I think might just ration the wearing of them (like only one new thing a week) so I maintain the option of returning them for longer.

  8. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @MaryM: I'm glad you found some new stuff - and sounds like a good plan!

  9. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    This might especially apply to those with later losses...but...

    When did you feel comfortable setting up the nursery?

    Our showers aren't until January (baby's due in February), so I didn't think i'd have to think about it for a while...but we've gotten a ton of hand me down gear, and the crib arrived last night (someone who can't make it to the shower sent it as a gift). The nursery is pretty packed in a very disorganized way (and it doesn't help my sewing machine is still in there with some unfinished Christmas presents strewn on the ironing board)

    We have a cradle, so we won't even necessarily *need* the crib and/or nursery for a while (baby will sleep in the cradle in our room)...but I'm wondering if there was a point when you felt secure in unpacking and setting things up, if you never felt secure but you just went ahead and did it anyway at some point, or if you just waited until the very last minute for everything.

  10. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @MaryM: My losses were earlier so my perspective may not be applicable... we also got a lot of hand-me-downs and currently live in a one bedroom condo where the nursery is a little office nook without a door. Having things be visibly disorganized really stresses me out, so I wanted to organize things into bins in the dresser and have the room arranged as soon as hand-me-downs arrived. If I could close the door and ignore it, I may have waited until later. As you say, baby will probably be in your room initially, so I don't think you should feel any pressure to set it up before you feel ready.

  11. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    @periwinklebee: Hand me downs and things that can't be returned - I've been fine with washing and organizing. Mostly it's stuff with boxes or tags that I'm hesitant to open/unpack/set up/wash, etc.

  12. ChiCalGoBee

    nectarine / 2028 posts

    @MaryM: Your history is so hard, and I'm so, so sorry you've gone through all you have. I wanted to add that, in Judaism, baby showers often don't happen, and a lot of the time everything sits in boxes until *after* a healthy baby is delivered. There are stores that allow you to pre-register for everything and then they come after the birth and set it all up. Now it's not entirely practical-life is so crazy with a newborn that setting up the crib with its 45 steps isn't exactly high on the list-but that's how it's done because of anxiety/superstition/etc. I think you need to decide what will make *you* feel the best. Is setting up a nursery too hard because you don't know what's going to happen? Save it for after your baby is here. Is setting up a few essentials making you feel like you're excited (and you are allowed to be and SHOULD be)? Then do it! You are the only one who can decide what feels right. I have my fingers and toes crossed for a healthy, easy delivery of your much anticipated baby.

  13. ChiCalGoBee

    nectarine / 2028 posts

    Throwing my hat in the ring here. I don't know how many current loss mamas there are, but I figured it was worth reaching out.

    How Far Along Currently: 7 weeks

    EDD: Roughly July 19th

    Loss History: Miscarriage at 6.5 weeks in September

    Next Milestone: First doctor's appointment is this Monday, and we *need* to see a baby in there with a good heartbeat at that point.

    Current Fears: Everything. I was an anxious pregnant mom-to-be before I had the loss, so everything is exacerbated now. We moved my appointment up 4 days because of a work conflict my husband had, and I am grateful to have less time to wait. However, I'm terrified there won't be anything in there or that there is, but it isn't as developed as it needs to be. I'll never forget seeing an embryo that was a week behind in September and knowing what it meant was to come. Lots of love and hugs to those of you who have walked this path in so many different ways.

  14. Shantuck

    pear / 1767 posts

    @MaryM: Both of my losses were in the first trimester but they definitely planted the seed that things can go wrong at any point during a pregnancy. I didn't need much in terms of gear because my losses came after a first successful pregnancy (so I was re-using most of my gear to start with) but I did wait until about a month before my due date to tackle the nursery. I just closed the door and ignored it - out of sight, out of mind. When I did get around to unboxing things and taking off tags, I told myself that one way or another I was going to bring a baby into my house (I would have pursued adoption if a biological child wasn't in my cards). If, god forbid, something awful were to happen, I knew that I could donate baby items to some wonderful charities in my area, etc. It actually helped me feel most positive about the pregnancy once I got everything set up and I kind of wish I would have started earlier.

  15. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @MaryM: I see, totally makes sense that the stuff with tags/boxes is trickier. I have also felt hesitant about this. My perspective has been to not worry about that stuff until 34 weeks, because babies born before that almost always have to have a NICU stay anyways, so there'd be time to set up later. I have a pile of boxes that I bought Black Friday sitting in the corner of the room. I've been told to save all boxes/receipts because some kids hate the rnp, or hate the swing, etc. Obviously doesn't work for clothes that need to be washed, etc but we were mostly given hand-me-downs for those. For smaller items I think my perspective is similar to @Shantuck: and if something really horrible happened they can always be put out of sight. For larger items, I will probably wait and keep boxes. And try to remind myself that it's statistically way more likely that my kid hates the swing than that he won't be here to use it

  16. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @ChiCalGoBee: Congrats and Thinking of you as you wait for the first appointment, I know it must be nerve-wracking.

    This thread has not been very active, but I think there are a lot more bees who've become pregnant recently and might be interested in joining. I'm still here at 34 weeks.

  17. MrsJBeeG

    clementine / 787 posts

    @periwinklebee: I was going to join and then thought - what if it’s early and something happens. But in my quest to enjoy this pregnancy while I have it ... I’m in.

    How far along: 4 weeks (so early!)

    EDD: August 14th 2018

    Loss history: miscarriage at 8 weeks in May 2017

    Next milestone: confirmed pregnancy at clinic Friday now it’s just first appointment with OB - will make the appointment next week.

    Current fears: that this pregnancy will end early like the last. It’s so hard - I am excited but it goes in spurts and then I get worried. I do have a lot more symptoms already and I found out days sooner this time so I’m hoping it all means that I’m heading down the road of a sticky rainbow baby this time.

  18. ChiCalGoBee

    nectarine / 2028 posts

    @periwinklebee: Thank you. Congratulations on making it to 34 weeks! So soon!!
    @MrsJBeeG: Welcome! So happy you got your BFP. When will your first appointment be? I had a super early BFP this time-about 7/8 DPO, so I feel like I've known about this pregnancy forever and the wait has been loooong.

    I'm down with a virus of some kind. Horrible sore throat and low-grade fever. Of course I'm panicked about the baby being impacted by this. Monday's appointment cannot come soon enough!

  19. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @MrsJBeeG: Thinking of you Sounds like the pregnancy is off to a really promising start!

    @ChiCalGoBee: Ugh, it sucks to be sick, I would just keep an eye on the fever, but as long as it doesn't get really high I don't think there's any risk to the baby. I hope Monday comes quickly.

  20. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @periwinklebee: i can’t believe you’re 34 weeks so excited for you!!

  21. chypmunk

    cherry / 239 posts

    poking in now that I see there's some activity

    How Far Along Currently: 8 weeks
    EDD: July 14th my late father's birthday
    Loss History: Miscarriage at 8 weeks in May, growth had stopped at 6.5 wks
    Next Milestone: First doctor's appointment is in 1 1/2 weeks, I did have a sneak peek earlier this week, happy to have found a heart beat and date appropriate growth.

    Current Fears: That the ball is going to drop and the next ultrasound I'll find no heartbeat. It was so crushing the first time.... I find myself to VERY hesitant with every step I take...at this point I found myself surpassing every milestone that Ive had so far... however very cautious. This pregnancy is completely different from my previous one; I was sick the entire time and now with the exceptions of the random bouts of nausea, fatigue and the sore boobs, I have really haven't had any crazy symptoms....

  22. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    hey ladies! kinda hanging out while I see if my bfp is sticking around. need some like minds to talk to

    is it weird that I have a hard time telling DH about the bfp? I think on the one hand I'm a bit superstitious that saying it out loud will jinx it . . . and it's also so emotionally charged that it's actually hard to say. I think I'm also still a bit guarded after our very different reactions to the last pregnancy and loss, and even though he is the one who convinced me to try this month I'm worried he's going to freak out about it.

    it's not like I won't tell him - just have to work up the guts I guess. part of me also wants to see what tomorrow's test looks like, if it's getting darker or I have to tell him it's probably not sticking. I'm trying to really fight the superstitions in my head but I'm definitely more guarded after all the turmoil this year.

    in my favorite version of how this plays out, I get a great test line and tell him tomorrow on the first Sunday in Advent (hope).

    thanks for letting my spew my thoughts here!

  23. MrsJBeeG

    clementine / 787 posts

    @bhbee: your reaction and thoughts make so much sense to me - one day at a time, one line at a time. And tell when you’re ready - even if it’s telling DH. You’ve been through a lot this year.

    Praying and keeping my fingers crossed for you!

  24. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @bhbee: I don't think it's weird at all. Husbands can have strange reactions to these things. My husband doesn't remember me telling him about my bfp for this pregnancy (obviously not a memorable announcement). I told him first thing in the morning after poas. And his immediate reaction was "so does this mean you don't want to have sex now?" I guess he was about to make a move - he thought I'd found out earlier (I was traveling) and was bringing it up then for that reason. Then he said something like "well, i guess we'll see what happens this time" (obviously with zero excitement - his personality is to be very cautious and I'm sure he was thinking, here we go again). With my second pregnancy, his response was "are you sure? isn't it just left over from last time?" So I guess just to say, whatever your husband's reaction and whether he's excited or has another set of emotions (i.e. maybe he'll be worried about the pregnancy, worried about you...), we're all super excited for you.

    Also, don't read too much into the line until you've given hcg at least 48 hours to double. My bfp was barely there at 11dpo and did not get darker at all at 12dpo, so I thought for sure it was a chemical. But then it did darken a bunch by the next day...

  25. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    p.s. I'm so happy to see all you ladies here!!!

  26. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @periwinklebee: with you on both counts. After 8 bfps i have waaaaay too many pics of old tests and i totally overthink it but i am constantly trying to be rational about it. And i know that every time is different. And i know that lots of things can happen even with good doubling. But overall I’m feeling ok about it.

    As for dh yeah we’ve never had a wonderful telling. So my expectations are low

  27. ChiCalGoBee

    nectarine / 2028 posts

    @periwinklebee: Thank you so much! Feeling a bit better and just waiting for tomorrow morning to get here!
    @chypmunk: Glad to see you here! Do you work in a hospital? So amazing that you got a sneak peek in advance of your appointment. My fingers are crossed for you, fellow July mama!
    @bhbee: THRILLED for your BFP. Just so excited. I know it's hard to be excited with your history ( )but I am so hopeful for you. I totally get being anxious to tell your husband. I definitely was. Let me know how it goes!
    @MrsJBeeG: How are you feeling? Is it beginning to feel more real? "one day at a time" continues to be my mantra, and I hope it works for you!

  28. DesertDreams88

    grapefruit / 4361 posts

    @MaryM: I haven't experienced the depth of losses like yours, but after loss/some IF/car accident at 28 wks pregnant/fetal heart arrythmia, I was a ball of anxiety. We set up the nursery around 32 weeks pregnant for a couple of "logical" reasons:

    - We had 3 showers and I was getting overwhelmed about the amount of unorganized stuff
    - We had Thanksgiving Break to do it
    - We had family visiting to help
    - Past 32 weeks I knew I would be too uncomfy + large to do much physically

    So, I focused on all of those reasons in my head, and tried my best to ignore the worries in my heart. In the end, setting up the nursery really helped DH especially take a positive, expectant outlook that he hadn't had before.

    Maybe Xmas break ? Whenever you feel ready. And if you don't feel ready until you bring this baby home, that's ok too.

  29. MrsJBeeG

    clementine / 787 posts

    @ChiCalGoBee: I don’t know. I think I’m settling into to the one day at a time philosophy. I think about being pregnant and B.G. (My nickname for this little bean) a lot. But I don’t feel as anxious or as excited - I kind of waffled between those emotions the first two days. Now I feel a little steadier about it. Guess I’m getting used to the idea and just going to see how it goes. Not much else I can do anyways.

    You’re in my thoughts today - wishing the best for your appointment.

  30. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @ChiCalGoBee: today!

    I think I’m going to be brave and wrap up the big brother T-shirt i bought back in February for dh to open tonight. I think it will be easier than saying it actually!

  31. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @bhbee: hope it goes well and that your husband is able to give lots of support.

  32. MrsJBeeG

    clementine / 787 posts

    The trials of early pregnancy ... So at work today - a male coworker asked if I had a nice birthday. He said your new age must agree with you - you have a glow about you.

    I didn’t know what to say. I think I finally said thanks like after an awkward pause where I thought - could I have that mysterious pregnancy glow they talk about already?

    I do know I’m running to the bathroom a lot. One of my bff is an OB/GYN and knows of my loss - she told me to drink lots of water and I’ve taken it to heart. But man, I have to pee like every 45 minutes ladies. It’s ridiculous this early in.

  33. chypmunk

    cherry / 239 posts

    @ChiCalGoBee: I actually work at OBGYN, so I'm very fortunate to have co-workers enable my crazy, since they were there for me the first time around. I have my fingers crossed for your appointment today

  34. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    @ChiCalGoBee: Thanks for the feedback...and welcome! (And welcome to all the new ladies! So exciting)

    @Shantuck: See, that's the thing. I'm not sure if bringing a baby home is a given for us. If for some reason this baby didn't make it, I'm not sure DH would have it in him to try again, and we've never even broached adoption. And given our ages and medical background, I'm not sure if it would even be an option.

    For the small things I have ordered that are non-returnable, I've figured we'd end up giving them away if we didn't use them ourselves. But when it comes to the larger stuff...it just doesn't make as much sense.

    @DesertDreams88: I think Christmas break will still be too early. Both of our showers are in January, and I've just entered the third tri. Maybe I'll feel more ready after the showers are over and I'm trying to fit all the stuff in our house?

    Plus December is pretty packed for us because we're slightly behind on all the classes and stuff people say we're supposed to do. We have the hospital tour and birth class in December, and the baptism class and pediatrician tour in early January. Maybe after that I'll feel like nesting on the weekends.

  35. Shantuck

    pear / 1767 posts

    @MaryM: I'm sorry for all you have gone through. As a parent to two, I can assure that relatively little is actually needed before you bring the baby home from the hospital. Some diapers & wipes, a few baby outfits, and a place to safely put down the baby (bassinet, rock n' play, etc.) are really the only essential items you need and realistically, someone could grab those items in a quick Target run while you were in the hospital snuggling that baby after birth. They really do need surprisingly little at the beginning. If you don't feel comfortable enough to gear up until after the baby is born, it really wouldn't be much of an issue from a logistical standpoint (and I do know many Jewish people who do that for religious reasons). I'm thinking about you and wishing you the best.

  36. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    @Shantuck: I don't think the issues is "gearing up" so much as what to do with the gear once it's in the house. We're having showers and have actually already started getting stuff (some new from folks who can't make the shower, some borrowed).

    The organized person in me is overwhelmed by all the "stuff" and wants it all to have a place and be put together. But I'm just not ready for that with the bigger stuff.

    We were given a cradle and car seat as hand me downs and I figured we'd be set. That's all a baby really needs. I didn't realize they were coming with a car full of other appliances!

  37. ChiCalGoBee

    nectarine / 2028 posts

    @bhbee: @MrsJBeeG: @MaryM: @chypmunk: @periwinklebee: Thanks so much, ladies, for your support and encouragement. We saw a baby with a heart beat today, which is such amazing news. When the doctor went to look I burst into tears and covered my eyes. I couldn't stand looking. He said, "Did we see a heart beat last time?" and I said, "no." He said "well we have one today!" Didn't measure the heart rate (which I'm a little confused about) but said CRL ratio was 15 mm, putting me at about 7.5 weeks which is spot on (maybe a day or two ahead-totally in line with when I ovulated). Due date 7/20.

    He's having me come back on 12/22 to take a look at things again. I'm trying not to read too much into it since typically after the first appointment they don't see you until 12 weeks, but he knows how nervous I am and said he wants to check progress himself. Trying to appreciate today for today-a baby with a heart beat-and just hope and pray he/she grows stronger and bigger every day.

  38. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    @ChiCalGoBee: That's great news!

    My doctor is hesitant to measure early heartbeats because they can vary SO much...maybe that's why your doctor didn't do it? And I hope he's bringing you back just to help reassure you ♥ Great news!

  39. ChiCalGoBee

    nectarine / 2028 posts

    @chypmunk: What an awesome place to work, especially at at time like this! Hope all continues to go well for you!
    @bhbee: Good luck telling your husband! I'm sure he'll be thrilled. Are you doing betas?
    @MrsJBeeG: Not ridiculous. I swear the second the test went positive with my first pregnancy I had to pee all the time. Hang in there!

  40. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @ChiCalGoBee: so much for a little hb! My ob also doesn’t do heart rate measurements at 8 weeks. I think he would have told you if it looked too slow. So happy for you!

    On the other post, I’m not doing betas unless i have to (like something doesn’t seem right). Too much driving around and freaking out for something that, for me at least, has been equally shown in frers

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