First, please understand my hormones are a huge mess right now. I've had a lot of health scares that are making this pregnancy extra hard on me, so I'm probably extra emotional and overanalyzing everything.

I'm pregnant with #3. Not planned, and we were so done! I have a DD and DS. Both kids are potty trained, fairly independent, etc. This came as a huge shock to me. My husband accepted it a lot better than I did. Once I accepted the fact that I was pregnant I started thinking about about the advantages of having another baby. I always "thought" about having another one, but had decided it just wasn't financial fit. I also have tough pregnancies so it was just best left as is. Then, I started thinking about the idea of having another DD. It has been 8 years since I gave birth to my DD, so I thought it would be awesome to have another one. It sure validated my feelings when all my DD talked about was me having a girl. She has her brother, whom she is absolutely amazing with. She adores him and thinks he hung the stars. They seriously have such an amazing relationship despite the large age gap.

Now, I will say, when I was pregnant with my son, I really wanted a daughter. I was disappointed to find out he was a boy. In my slightest defense, I grew up without a dad or brothers. Girls were all I knew. Once I had him, I fell head over heels in love with him. Seriously, he is the most amazing little boy ever and I am so incredibly blessed to have him. I often apologize to him for not wanting a boy but thank him many times for showing me a love I never knew possible.

So, back to my point, I just found out baby #3 is indeed a little boy. Lots of feelings have rushed through me. I actually handled it quite better than I expected..at first. Now that it has sunk in i'm disappointed. And I feel like an absolute horrible person AGAIN! I have a boy, who is amazing, so how can I feel like this again? Sure, I understood why I did before as boys were completely new territory for me. I do feel like I"m more disappointed in the fact that I'm not getting another girl rather than the fact that my baby is a boy...but I just hate feeling disappointed. I LOVE my kids...I am a good mother (well I thought I was). I take care of my kids, spend time with them and cherish and adore their every bit of being. So HOW can I be disappointed by the fact that there is something between the legs of this new one who I clearly don't deserve?

I feel like my family dynamics are going to change...for the worse. Right now there is a good balance. My daughter is calm and loving and nurturing. My son is lovable and can be active at times but overall he is a calm kid. He does well playing by himself but I'm worried once another boy comes he will end up being super rowdy and everything will just change. We love going out to do things, the movies, bowling, out to eat, etc. And I don't want to take that away from my DD and DS who love doing that stuff. Will adding a third (my second boy) really make things that difficult? Will we have to stay in the house all day? Will two boys who will be about 3 1/2 years apart be too crazy and rowdy? I know it's a lot of stereotypes but I don't want everything to change.

Please don't be too harsh on me. I really feel that, deep down, next year I will look back at this and think how crazy I was and how I had no faith in myself. I'm sure that this little addition will fit in just perfectly and I will love seeing the sibling bond between my kids grow even more. I'm just scared right now and overthinking everything. I could really use some positive thoughts. Thank you