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I mostly SAH. DH travels overnight a fair amount.
I do all of the:
Laundry (including cloth diapering) and dry cleaning
Grocery shopping (sometimes we go together to Costco)
Cooking (Includes hello fresh)
I'm in charge of our social calendar and travel planning
I make and take T to any appointments- Dr, dentist, haircuts
All care for the dogs, vets, kenneling, groomingWe have a 1x a month housecleaner and gardeners who come when needed- about every 2-3 months
DH is in charge of
His own appointments (hair, dr, dentist, etc)
All of the yard work
He helps out when I ask or sometimes just does things like cleaning the kitchen and stuffing diapersOur house rarely looks perfect. We communicate well about what's going on certain weeks- when he or I need extra help/support. It works for us.
ETA he works from home sometimes and is really awesome at picking up and pitching in wherever when he is around/available.
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i SAH and also work p/t from home.
DH gets ups before DS and gets ready for the day, then gets him up and gives him breakfast and they hang out. I get up when DS does and get ready (some days when DH has to go in early, I get DS).
I am solo with DS from 8am-bedtime at 6pm. He goes to playschool T/TH morning, and I do a lot of work during this time, as well as at naps.
I wash and fold our clothes, clean the house, cook dinner 5 nights a week, make DH's lunch 4x a week, grocery/drugstore/clothes shop, drop off drycleaning/pick up prescriptions, handle all the bills, manage our rental property, make all appointments, handle any repairs that need to be done at home, take DS to the doctor (sometimes I ask DH to join if he can), take DS to music class/playgroup/1 museum day a week.
On weekends, I get up with DS one day, DH gets up with him one day and we let the other sleep until 9. The person who got up with DS usually gets an hour or 2 to themselves in the afternoon of that day to nap/read/watch tv while the other one takes him for a walk.
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I am a SAHM who hates it. But it is what it is.
I am responsible for all of the food, shopping and preparation. I am responsible for all kids activities registrations and transport.
I am responsible for all the laundry.
I buy all our clothes.
I am responsible for our social calendar, any travel we do as a family (or couple).
I am responsible for all holidays and related celebrations (including birthday parties for our kids, everything related to Christmas including buying my own gifts...sigh...and I haven't had a birthday cake in I don't know how long because I don't want to get it any nobody gets me one! SAD SACK OVER HERE).
I am responsible for paying bills.My husband will physically do things I identify for him, and is the most obliging human you will ever meet, but doesn't recognize what needs to be done in the house or for the family...ever.
Actually he takes out the garbage if he isn't away for work.
Meanwhile, his work schedule varies but is most usually around 55 hours/week plus work at home when not in the office. And I do a lot of self-serving things because I hate SAH so much...so I have started weekly ski lessons, go to the gym almost every day, take yoga and a French class, all while my kids are at school.
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The only thing I see from his part that might stink is no kid free time during the week. I think the constant buzz of kids can drive people a little nutso and might lead to staying awake too late
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When I was a SAHM I was responsible for everything except taking out the trash. Including reminding my husband to take out the trash. All bill paying, budgeting, meal planning, shopping, housework, childcare, yardwork, appointments, nightwakings, most bedtimes. Everything. Having said that, this was largely due to my husband's undiagnosed and unmanaged depression. We had similar disagreements and issues to yours.
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well to update my thread -- I have sucked it up and hired a house cleaner to come once a month to do the deep cleaning. I didn't really want to budget for it but it really has made a difference in our routine. I'm able to do 30 minutes of tidying at night or on breaks so the house doesn't get out of control. The sleep thing is still sometimes an issue but I just try and give him notice when I'm struggling so he won't be surprised when I need more sleep than I'm getting.
So all in all outsourcing house cleaning + coffee seem to work well enough for now
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@reverie: good for you! I swear, our housekeeper has had a profound effect on our relationship and our marriage as a whole (in a good way of course). I SAH mostly, i work anywhere from 6-10 hours per week. My DH travels about 85-90% of the year so he isn't home M-F. I pretty much do all of the house hold stuff (to include fixing things around the house) and he manages finances. The cleaning was a major strain; I resented that I was doing 100% of it, and a lot of it on weekends when he was home. And he's sort of mild slob.
We also split weekends sleep-wise; we each get to sleep in one morning. Glad it's working out for you! -
I'm curious whether you had a conversation with your DH about his sleep schedule? Has he made any changes?
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@Littlebit7: That's so much traveling for your husband and you! I feel pretty silly when the cleaning people come and we're literally all home but it is what it is and it definitely helps. If I can ever get on top of my finances I'd like to go to every other week!
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I feel like our roles are reversed from yours. I SAH and like to sleep in. I'm jus not a morning person at all. Like literally my fingers don't even function to button something until I've had my coffee. DH is a rockstar, he gets up at 6 or 6:30 when either the baby or our middle LO get up for the day and showers then gets them downstairs for breakfast. He gets my coffee and wakes me up around 7:30 although often I don't even get out of bed until he leaves at 8. After reading this I do realize it's not fair to expect him to do the entire breakfast and morning bit all the time. It just worked out that way because the baby doesn't usually sleep well. Some nights are better and on those mornings I should get up to give DH a break.
I'm glad the cleaner is helping you. We definitely can't afford one with me not working and I feel like having us at home makes the house so much messier than if we were at work and daycare most of the day! So I totally understand the need to have one and wish we could too! -
Reading this having been a sahm and a ft wohm and now a part time wohm.. it sounds like what he really needs is kid free time and maybe a job! He sounds unmotivated, and I don't really blame him. It's hard to be motivated to do all the at home stuff when it's 24/7 and there's no balance. There are some people who love being stay at home parents but then I think there are a lot like myself and maybe your dh who do it out of need whether it's money or scheduling or what. I could be totally off base but that's what immediately pops into my head reading this.
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@reverie: Glad to see your update. I didn't see your thread originally. I WOH and DH works FT (half at home and half at the office) so I don't have any SAH insight. My is also DH is a gamer with anxiety and undiagnosed GI issues. Hopefully we don't share a husband.
DH would stay up all night gaming, sleep in and then bitch and moan about being tired. I knew this when I married him but I expected different after a kid and then another.
Things have improved for us in the last year or so. The only change I made was instituting a weekend sleep-in wake up time of 8:30 (2.5 hours after our weekday wake up and 3 hours after the kids got up). It is DH's responsibility to back track from there and go to bed on time. However, I think the real reason his bedtime improved was that his gaming buddy moved to the east coast so their late nights start and end earlier.
I hope things continue to improve for you!
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@2littlepumpkins: I don't disagree with you -- I think he is very conflicted. He was very passionate about his career and has ambitions he wants to eventually persue but he got laid off when I was pregnant and didn't find another job before we had our son. He also knows he can't get this time back with the kids so it's hard putting half your life on hold for 7 or so years. I get it. I wish we could all work like 10am-3pm and be home with the kids the rest of the time for some balance. Unfortunately, being out of the "game" for this long his starting salary would not cover two day cares in my area, but maybe after next year when my older child is in kindergarten we can look into it more!
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