Hey bees, I've barely found the chance to post here since DS2 was born but I would love some advice from those more experienced at solo parenting!
DH left this morning for a 2 week work trip, leaving me with DS1 and DS2 (2 years and 2 months). I am so daunted by 2 weeks on my own! I do a fair bit of solo parenting a anyway as I SAH - but I SO value that bit of extra help and someone to discuss the day with etc in the evening. Also I have not managed to get a good routine down for double bedtime yet!
He goes away for a day or 2 quite often and that doesn't bother me, but this just seems sooo long.
So if your SO goes away a lot... what are your best coping tips?! Do you keep busy or make less plans so there's less pressure? Do you find yourself accosting random delivery people for long conversations as you haven't spoken to another adult in over 24 hours? Do you find it helps your LO to talk to the parent who's away or does that make it worse (DS1 is gonna majorly miss his daddy)?
Any tips welcome!
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@Bubbles: You are a brave person. I couldn't do it for two weeks alone.
My husband is going out of town tomorrow for a week for work and we bought my mother a plane ticket to come stay with me. For one, I work full time and the logistics of child care just don't work with just me (I leave super early for work and it seems like asking too much to have our nanny come at 6:30 am and work till 5 pm). But the main reason is that I just don't WANT to do it alone. Neither of our kids sttn, and I feel like I would be dead from exhaustion by day 3.
Can you get/hire help? Fly family in?
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Solo parenting is so hard. I applaud single parents and military spouses.
My Husband traveled a ton in February and it was hard. Just try to take one day at a time. Some days we stayed home and were Super lazy and some days we would vist family or friends and even just go to target to get out. My boys didn't have a hage interest to talk to daddy while he was gone which broke daddy's heart. Ds1 was old enough where we would do a count down "daddy will be home in xxx number of sleeps"
Good luck! I'm sure you'll rock this!!
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Damn. 2 weeks is a loooong time. My husband travels frequently for work and I have 2 with the same age gap as yours. The longest he's ever gone though is 4 nights/ 5 days because I literally cannot handle anymore. I work and have a nanny from 8-6 but doing mornings, dinner, bedtime and multiple overnight wake ups with an infant solo for a week makes me want to kill both of us (my husband and I, not my infant and I, just to be super clear
). We don't have family nearby so I can't even have people over at night just as an extra pair of hands. wish I could say that I do X, Y and Z and this makes it tolerable but I haven't figured it out myself yet. I'm following this to see if anyone has any good ideas....Eta: my 2.5 yo face times with her dad every night at dinner. It really helps both of them get through the time they are apart.
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I only have one baby right now, 6 months, but my husband is regularly away for 4-5 days and nights at a time. It's hard! I live close to family so I can call in on them if I want to. Sometimes I make plans to see people and do things and sometimes I am just so overwhelmed that I stay in my house and can't drag myself out.
I can't speak to how it will make your son feel speaking to daddy, but I can only assume it will help. Can you skype with video or FaceTime? I feel like seeing helps. We did that yesterday and it made me feel better and helps him missing baby.
I can only imagine the difficulty with two!
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My husband has never been away that long, but when he is away I just do the things you have already thought of: get meals planned ahead of time, do minimal extra work, have low expectations.
If you don't have family nearby, maybe you can reach out to friends. I am bad at asking for help, but we have friends who are happy to help out for a few hours here and there: either to spend time with kids and parent or to give the parent a break. I'm learning that often people LIKE to help (and don't get offended by being asked even when they can't help), so I need to learn to ask and to accept help when offered!
Also, I never actually did this, but I contemplated having a friend's son (12 years old) come help me with bedtimes sometimes. He could play with LO1 while I got LO2 to sleep.
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Oh mama I feel you. My husband has been in South America for the last 4 months M-F. Sometimes he's gone 2-3 weeks straight. Its so hard. I try to get out daily, typically between her naps. Sometimes I just make up something I need at the grocery store just to get my butt out of the house.
I don't make many adventurous plans while he's away; more like easy day to day stuff and save the bigger outings for when he's home. I try to rock the boat as little as possible for my sanity. I only have one; I can't imagine the stress of two.
I will say we did recently hire a cleaning lady, that has made such a HUGE difference and dramatically reduced my stress. Even just having her in once a month makes a difference.
Are you in any position to hire a mothers helper for maybe 1-2 nights a week? Just another set of hands (as you know) makes a huge difference and might make getting through the week easier
Hugs to you; it sucks. There's no way around the fact that it just plain sucks. -
for 2 weeks, i would call my mom. i do 2-3 days solo pretty regularly (24 shifts for DH), but when i've gone a 5 day stretch or so, i call mom. or my sister, or someone to come for a day or two!
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Thank you so much for all these replies guys! It is so nice not to feel like I am being a huge wuss! I should have mentioned, my mum is coming to stay for one night, and 2 of my sisters are coming to stay for a night each. So that is 3 nights of help and company! I also already have a cleaning lady so that is something I'm not worrying about. But I definitely can't afford to hire anymore help. The baby is only up twice a night at this stage which isn't too bad, but I've got very used to the luxury of a mini lie in while DH gets up with him at 7am!
I think taking it one day at a time is good advice - I'm a planner and so I've been trying to plan out the whole fortnight which is making it seem like a huge mountain to climb!
I think we will try a FaceTime and see how it goes. He has talked to him on loudspeaker plenty of times and I am sure he'd enjoy a FaceTime conversation, I guess I just worry that he might feel extra sad after talking to his dad and not being able to see him. Only one way to find out though!
Thank you again, these replies are so helpful
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@Bubbles: it's soooo hard! And with a 2 month old everything is still so new! Do any teens live in your area to help? When my DH was travelling a lot for work I would have our neighbor who is 14 and babysits sometimes anyway, come at night for just 2-3 hours to help with my older son while I got the baby to sleep. It was SO helpful at that dinner/bedtime to have someone to help and play with my son!
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@Bubbles: Mad respect lady! Like others - I have so much respect for single parents and those who single parent often. We dont do it for that long - but DH is currently away for 3 nights and frequently is gone for a night here and there. Here are my tips for survival...
1) A list of activities for DD1 (2.5) that I can wear DD2 to. There are some indoor play places which are safer since I cant totally chase her when DD2 is being worn - but I know she cant totally run away if we are inside.
2) Meals out...DD1 loves it and DD2 generally sleeps in the car seat. Saves me having to cook too! It can also be our "activity" for that part of the day.
3) Koala Crates...awesome at home craft projects! I ordered a bunch when I was staring down a weekend alone. I went through them and found the ones DD could do on her own and those that required my help. If I am nursing DD2 and DD1 needs something I let her pick a craft to work on.
As for phonecalls and facetime...we have had full meltdowns over facetime...so we generally dont do it unless she requests it...
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@Bubbles: I solo parent most of my week. DH works and goes to school. Monday-Thursday he is gone before we wake up and asleep before he arrives home. Friday mornings he with us but limited because he has to study and such for his degree or run other errands.
My advice:
- batch prep freezer or crock pot meals while you have help.
For me cooking is pretty daunting by the end of the night
- plan to get of the house!! Even if it's just a walk.
- let some (more) screen time as a distraction
- sleep when they are both sleeping so you can recharge.
- while your family is around try to run an errand or two just yourself. Alone time is key.Good luck momma you will be just fine!
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You're a rock star for solo parenting for long stretches of time! I only tend to do 4-5 days at a stretch alone...more than that and I try to either take the kids to my parents/in-laws for a visit, or call in outside help.
For me, adult contact is key! If I don't make plans for a simple outing (a class, meeting friends at the park, meeting friends for lunch), I invite people over...or I at least make sure I'm texting with a friend/sibling during the day, or even calling them at naptime/evening. Or I'm posting on Hellobee more than usual, haha. Feeling isolated is the hardest part of solo parenting.
Like others have said, I disguise things we HAVE to do as fun activities....as in, going out for pizza one night saves me having to cook dinner! A trip to the post office might warrant stopping at a bakery or froyo shop on the way home, and if the girls have to come to the grocery store with me (they normally don't), they get a slice of cheese from the deli and a treat to take home. See how much fun mommy is, hahaha? It wins me points (because the girls miss Daddy when he's gone) and makes my tasks a little easier.
I also try to look at upsides of DH being away - I sometimes let things like toy cleanup slide, because it doesn't stress me out as much as he does to have to step over a few dolls once in a while. I indulge in guilty pleasure easy dinners that he wouldn't want to eat (helloooo, mac n cheese or frozen lasagna with the kids!), and enjoy the fact that eating earlier with the kids means that once they go to bed, I'm free to read or catch up on a trashy reality show while I fold laundry.
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Some good advice here already. I've only done one 5 day stint of solo parenting two while Dh was away and t was hard! And my sister came and stayed Overnight one night and I had a babysitter come just to help one afternoon. Ideally I'd do something like a teenage mothers helper who could be an extra set of hands for making/ serving dinner, clean up, baths, but I didn't know anyone.
Things that helped were having some plans made, but easy and loose. Nothing I had to be super on time for. Having all the meals planned out and easy (ie box Mac and cheese Monday, frozen lasagna Tuesday, etc). Also things the toddler will eat without a fight. Then I didn't even have to think about it. Letting a lot of stuff slide, clean up, laundry... And having wine and ice cream in the house for after bedtime!
mine were 2.5 years and 4 months at the time. Oh and grocery shop and do laundry before he leaves!
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No real advice, other than what others have suggested. One night when DH was traveling recently, I hired a babysitter and got a massage. I just needed a break from the grind. So try to treat yourself somehow if you can - even if it is just a nice bubble bath. And definitely get out of the house as much as possible!
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I hang out with my Inlaws a lot of DH is gone because they will entertain DD while I can just hang on the couch! Plus, they cook for us!
I usually try and see friends For play dates since I work so weekends are the only time for oplaydates, but we don't do them often because of family time.
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You ladies are awesome, I can't tell you how much better it feels just to know that others would find it tough too! It seems a little silly seeing as I look after them all day every day on my own anyway - but somehow that lack of 'adult company reset' in the evening makes it feel so much tougher!
I'm gonna make a list of all these tips and try and get ahead of the game while my sister is here this weekend. We've just moved to a new area so I don't know anyone locally who could babysit, but you are all so right that I should make the most of family visits to get a little alone time!
Thank you all so much
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My best tip would be to get out of the house every.single.day! Go walking, find a playground, head to the mall, visit friends, find a playgroup - basically anything to get out because I'm 100% positive that everything is better once you leave the house!
And make the most of nap time and get as much stuff done (laundry, dinner, housework) early in the day so that if she sh*t hits the fan in the afternoon you can just concentrate on getting the basics done.
And my last tip, don't psych yourself out! My DH went away for a week when my youngest was eleven months old and I surprised myself with how smooth and easy it went! I was totally over it by the time he got home but it totally went better than I anticipated.
You got this!
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DH typically travels M-F a week or two per month, so I've been trying to get a routine down now that LO2 (4.5 months) is going to bed earlier. I'm currently SAH with LO2 because I was laid off last month, but LO1 is in preschool full time.
I highly recommend doing FaceTime during dinner. LO1 (2.5 yrs) won't stay still and chat with DH unless she is otherwise occupied with food. It also means that DH can entertain her while I clear the table and put away food.
I plan food ahead of time and rely on pre-made deli stuff like chicken salad for lunches or stuff from the salad bar. I also typically order pizza or take-out at least one day.
For bedtime, I either take all the things I need to get LO2 ready for bed to LO1's room and have LO1 "help" me get LO2 ready for bed and get LO1 ready. We do everything but the final bottle and songs in LO1's room, then I give LO1 the iPad and leave her in her room while I put LO2 down in our room. Sometimes I will get both kids ready in our room and let LO1 have the iPad in our room with the sound turned off while I put LO2 to bed.
The biggest thing for me was that I just had to accept that LO1 is going to watch more TV than I really want her to and that some nights one or both of them are going to go to bed later than I like.
Don't worry Mama, you got this!
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Ugh I'm in a similar boat! DH is leaving for a week to the other side of the world this month and I'm dreading it. Dreading the solo parenting and also dreading just not having him around because we've never been apart more than 3 days. I'm trying to plan LOTS of activities and having easy meals. Already planning on putting mommy guilt to the side and doing whatever needs to be done to survive.
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Oh man, 2 weeks is rough! DH's business trips are usually never longer than 4 days and I'm spent by the time he gets home. Definitely call in some enforcements for help!
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We are currently 9 days into my husband's 12 day business trip to Oz. Not going to lie, some days were rough. I WOTH, so having to get him ready on my own at 6 am has been challenging some mornings, when I just need another pair of hands. Granted, I only have one, and he's 13 months old, but by and large it hasn't been as tough as I thought. I am sooooo exhausted by the time I go to bed, and have skimped a bit on my own meals, cause I was just too tired to cook or even eat much, but we're getting there. What has done me in is trying to keep up with the cleaning and laundry on top of everything else. So I've just decided that some of that can wait. Last night I didn't even bother to unload the dishwasher or put away toys, so I could relax and watch Netflix. My advice: take breaks for yourself, and don't put so much pressure on yourself.
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@Bubbles: Hi mama, just checking in on you to see how you are doing. When I solo parent, I try not to cook any elaborate meals that require too much cleanup. I don't mind eating breakfast foods for dinners so eggs and sandwiches were my go to meals. Hang in there and thinking of you!
). We don't have family nearby so I can't even have people over at night just as an extra pair of hands. wish I could say that I do X, Y and Z and this makes it tolerable but I haven't figured it out myself yet. I'm following this to see if anyone has any good ideas....
mine were 2.5 years and 4 months at the time. 
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