Hello! Looking for anyone who is dealing with family size disappointment or disagreements with your partner. Also anyone who is struggling with IF or secondary IF.
I have seen a few threads about this topic but am hoping we can have on ongoing discussion on coping strategies, conversations with your partner, etc. I would love to hear both sides of the story - whether you want more kids & SO doesn't or vice versa. Or you want more kids but are dealing with IF. Thanks!
pear / 1786 posts
We dealt with IF and had to use IVF to conceive our son who is now 15 months. DH is 41 and I am almost 40, so between age and IF, time is not on our side. I have always wanted at least 2 kids and was open about that from the time I met DH. I don't remember exactly what DH said about that in the early years but he was in agreement. I understand our IF experience and the out of pocket expense has impacted us, but now DH says he doesn't think he wants more kids. It is somewhat the expense but he says he is tired (he owns a business and works 80+ hours per week.)
I have not lost complete hope but after a few conversations, I don't think he will change his mind. I am confident that if we ever do TTC, it will only be naturally (with no IF interventions). So chances are slim of us having a second child.
I was devastated initially. Some days I am better with it than others. But I still cry about it regularly and have been avoiding HB because I am struggling with some serious baby fever (and I am ashamed to say envy.) I know our lives will be "easier" with only one child but I have such great sadness at DS not having a sibling, me never being pregnant again, and just not having another child to love.
I would appreciate any advice or just to talk with others who may be dealing with similar issues. I need to talk with DH again first, but I have considered seeing a therapist. Thanks for reading!
nectarine / 2192 posts
I'm 35, and dealing with IF while trying for our first. We want two kids and I'm worried that won't happen. I'm trying to let go of that fear and have our first kid first, then worry about #2.
pear / 1786 posts
@AmeliaBedilia: Wishing you tons of luck on getting PG!!! Infertility sucks 
I am so grateful we have our son!!! I keep trying to tell myself that I should be satisfied but my heart aches for another.
pomelo / 5628 posts
@kentuckygirl: we are stopping after one which is a compromise that I agreed too, but it's still not the way I imagined things. I've had a few years to come to terms with it and have worked hard on focusing on the positives which really helps. But I still definitely get a little jealous of second time moms...even though I haven't actively tried to be one and cannot really imagine having a new baby in my life.
persimmon / 1495 posts
@kentuckygirl: I have posted about this before, but I completely understand what you are going through! My DH decided when our LO was only a few months old that he was one and done, whereas I have always wanted two. We are actually in counseling now because of it - though less because of the specific disagreement and more about how it was handled. Basically my husband just announced that he didn't want anymore kids without even being sensitive about it and refused to seriously discuss the issue. Wall me anytime to talk more or for support!
apricot / 378 posts
We always wanted 4, but four years into marriage, we're finally pregnant through IVF. We did not do genetic testing (wanted to leave something to nature!). I'm now pregnant with twins and we just kind of assumed when we first learned it was twins, we'd be done. Well we have top grade embryos in the freezer and found out we're having two girls!! So we'll try again in a few years assuming all goes well with the pregnancy and delivery. Of course if there's extreme medical complications, we'll count our blessings and call it a day 
persimmon / 1363 posts
@kentuckygirl: We wanted 4 kids, but I have suffered through two HG pregnancies and now have some serious health complications as a result of the HG. During the last HG pregnancy, my husband said that he didn't want 4 kids anymore because it was just too much with me being in the hospital a lot. I think we're on the same page with 3 now, but it was a tough adjustment to wrap my head around a different family size than we had planned/purchased a house and vehicles etc. for.
As we move ever closer to TTC for number 3, I have increasing fear about caring for 2 little ones with HG, and fear about the new health problems being complicated further by HG. I am pretty worn out with being sick/having no energy/feeling like I am missing out on the development of our existing kids. When push comes to shove I think I will still do it, but I just DREAD the idea of being pregnant again.
honeydew / 7463 posts
@kentuckygirl: I've been wondering where you went. Missed you around here! Sorry you're having a rough time.
I have the opposite problem.
I always thought we'd have 2 kids. But after IVF and a really hard time adjusting to life as a mom, I'm leaning heavily towards one and done.
My husband is sure he wants another, he was ready to get started with IVF again 6 months PP! I really was not but I finally agreed at 10 months to visit our RE to discuss options. I thought we were just going to have a consult and by the end he had wanded me (ugh) and typed up a protocol to get started. I was just like "uhhhhh wait a minute..." The thought of doing IVF and possibly the newborn stage again so quickly really made me feel panicky. My husband and RE assured me that we could do retrievals and keep any good ones on ice (since we always have to do PGD anyway) until I'm ready to actually get pregnant. They both want me to do retrievals because even at a young age my odds of having a good egg would be low. I'll be 34 next week. so time is of the essence, according to my doc. But I just know that having a good embryo (if we ever have another) will probably make me emotional and put the cart before the horse even if I'm realistically not ready. Or, what if I have this miracle of a perfect embryo and I decide I don't want to have another baby, period. Will I feel guilted into doing it anyway? Could I possibly donate, knowing i have a bio child out there i'll never know? I can't imagine destroying a good embryo that is so hard for me to make.
I had a hard time at first but I ADORE my son now and I definitely feel like I COULD be happy with another, and it took me a long time to get here. I'd love to see him with a sibling, but not enough to pull the trigger. (Haha. Trigger. Get it?) I wish we could throw caution to the wind and see what happens. I could be happy with a surprise, I just don't feel ready to get into IVF. Not sure if I'll ever be.
That's the hardest part for me. Never being able to say "let's just see what happens". It's so clinical and planned and stressful.
Glad for this thread, thanks for starting it. 
pear / 1786 posts
@Rockies11: The prospect of another HG pregnancy is a little daunting, can you wait a little longer to give your body some more time to recover? I hope you will be blessed with an easier pregnancy next time!
pear / 1786 posts
@MrsYellowJacket: congratulations on your twins!!! Hope you have a healthy & easy pregnancy! How far along are you? Good luck on your future decision with your embryos & family size.
pear / 1786 posts
@Mrs Green Grass: Thanks for responding! I appreciate the advice to focus on the positives of the situation. I need to do that more. Hugs mama!
pear / 1786 posts
@Chuckles: Thanks, it helps to know I am not alone in my feelings on this! I need to go back & re-read your prior posts.
grapefruit / 4028 posts
I just turned 30, and DH and I are dealing with IF. We've been TTC for 2-2.5 years, and just had our second miscarriage 2 weeks ago. We wanted 4 kids initially, but we're struggling to even get 1. It's been hard, to say the least. We're still debating how many we want to have, but right now are struggling because DH wants some time to recuperate after our loss. I get it, but so much time has been lost already, I'm terrified how long it will take for our take home baby, let alone any future babies.
pear / 1786 posts
@SweetiePie: Thanks for thinking of me/missing me. The IVF aspect does add a huge additional burden to having another. I was ready to do it again because I want another baby that much. I have both sadness & a little sense of relief that DH is completely taking another IVF off the table.
Can you convince DH to take a few more months before deciding to move forward or not? Our conversations have been spread out over the past 6 months. I know the time has helped me be a little more prepared for whatever ends up happening.
pear / 1750 posts
This is such a tough subject. Our DS is 4 months and was an IVF baby. We have 4 more embryos frozen, but now that we have him I don't know if we could ever afford to have another one.
My DH is disabled and can't work, and I take care if both of them, I love having a family, but I would need a lot more (paid) help to care for another baby plus an older child. I would need either a big career advancement (not going to happen since I mostly work from home) or I'll need to move back to my home state to be by my mom.
I always wanted 2 kids, a boy and a girl. Now I don't know if I'll be able to give my son a sibling. Some days I'm ok with this, but it makes me a little sad.
pear / 1786 posts
@Crystal: so many hugs being sent to you! I cannot imagine how hard those losses have been. My heart aches for you. IF sucks and feeling like you don't have time to wait really adds to the pressure. Hoping for good news and a healthy pregnancy for you soon!
pomegranate / 3764 posts
Our dream family was 3 children. We're so lucky that after a few rounds of IVF we got our daughter - but now, after 18+ months of trying for a second, two miscarriages, 3 failed IVF cycles and multiple negative transfers, I'm terrified that this is it for us. Breaks my heart.
grapefruit / 4028 posts
@macintosh: the way you handle everything is truly inspiring.
@kentuckygirl: thank you.
honeydew / 7295 posts
Oh honey I want to give you and everyone on this board a huge hug!! It's so hard to give up the baby or babies that your heart yearns for. I am so impressed with those of you who have overcome IF. To me no one deserves to realize their family size more than those who have worked so hard and made so many sacrifices to get pregnant. I have not gone though that so I can't speak to it but I did have issues with my husband regarding family size. Our initial agreement was two with an open discussion of a third. After our son was born my husband felt that he didn't want any more children. It was devastating and in my case it was something that I just didn't feel I could be happy with. I also didn't feel that I could be happy having another child with someone who didn't want one so I basically told my husband that I love him and hoped to make it work but I wasn't sure if I could be happy long term with someone who doesn't want the same things I do. It was hard but after about a year of back and fourth and intense emotional discussions he agreed he was on board with one more baby. By the time it came time to TTC he was even excited. We still have our ups and downs because he is not a baby person (enjoys 9 months and up but preferably toddler and little kid stage). Our option for a third is OFF the table and it can be hard sometimes knowing I will never have another. Two is thoroughly kicking my ass though and to be honest I'm not even sure if I could handle more anyway. sometimes it's hard knowing that my husband isn't even open to discussing it. He loves to make jokes about how his balls are purely ornamental now. If someone asks if we plan on more he always answers with an immediate and emphatic "oh my god yes!" And I'm 38. He loves our kids though. I feel very lucky to have my son and my daughter. I get envious of women who marry more family man type men who love babies and big families but I also know the grass is always greener. I'll be thinking of you and your husband and hoping that you both find yourselves at peace with what ever you decide down the line.
pear / 1786 posts
@macintosh: I have followed your story, and I am also impressed at how you manage everything! Do you think in a few years you might reconsider? Hopefully your embryo storage is affordable and you can wait to make a final decision. Hugs mama!
pear / 1786 posts
@jaguar: I have also followed your story from the WB boards. I was a few months behind you TTC our LOs. I have been heartbroken reading of your miscarriages. Love & hugs.
pear / 1786 posts
Does anyone have any coping strategies, other than focusing on the positives of my current family size? I attended a support group when dealing with IF, but I am a little intimidated to go see a therapist. DH would not go with me, I wonder if it would be helpful to go by myself?
pear / 1786 posts
@MrsMccarthy: I am so glad you and DH were able to decide on LO # 2, but I can imagine it is still hard feeling like your family is incomplete. Your story does give me hope. Thanks for sharing your experience!
nectarine / 2152 posts
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think therapy would be a really good idea, this is a major life switch and a therapist can help you process it all. It is intimidating to start but once you just make the first appointment and go, it will be much less so.
nectarine / 2152 posts
It's not the same but I am very conflicted over whether to try for a 3rd. I always pictured myself having 3 kids but after IF and twins, I'm just not sure about it all...
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
@kentuckygirl: oh hon- I'm sorry this is how things are going down.
Keep the dialog open with him. I believe couples can get to a place of peace about these things. Of course I say that because that's how it worked out for my family.
Another thing you could do is say that while you respect his decision, birth control is now completely up to him-- that way allowing for at least the chance of natural if he doesn't take initiative. You never know, it might be easier the second time around?
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