Hellobee Boards

I also agree with you. It’s a casual party and any adult is capable of stopping at the store for something pre-prepared if that’s on the invite. This frequently happens to us because we are 3.5 hrs from home during Christmas and I just pop over the store on the way. I would feel super rude not to or to think my parents bringing something means I don’t have to...because I’m 34 not 10 ha

Who feels comfortable showing up with nothing? Traveling or not it takes 10 min to stop at the store, at least bring a bottle of wine. That would bug me but I feel comfortable enough with my family and my husband's family that I would mention it

Ugh yeah. The tit for tat mentality really annoys me. Like “I travelled so far I’m not doing x y or z”

Stop by the freaking grocery store and show up
with a block of cheese for chrissakes.

I am going to say it doesn't bother me because at everyone-bring-something events, there tends to be a lot of leftovers. I guess they could bring wine or something, assuming it is a family that drinks/wine is easily obtainable (where I live only state stores/some restaurants/cellars sell wine, so it is conceivable to me it would not be practical to buy)

It would get a big eye roll from me. Unless the ones who are flying won’t have their own car, in which I can see how that gets harder. I would still ask my parents to bring an extra bottle of wine for me or something probably, but it is a lot trickier without a car. But I also agree with @Ms. RV: that there usually are tons of leftovers at this type of thing so it’s not really a big deal. Just kind of rude.

This would not bother me. It seems kind of petty to keep track. It reminds me of when my parents complain about not receiving a thank you note. Did they get someone a gift simply to receive a thank you?

It is what it is. People are motivated to something nice, or they’re not. I try to leave my expectations at the door when I am dealing with people. I have learned the hard way that you can’t get someone to change who they are. Take it or leave it.

Wow, that was a lot of platitudes. Sorry about that!

I don't think people's level of niceness is measured by what they contribute to a dinner. I am a cleaner, so when we are invited to someone's home, you can count on me to help you clean up or set up. But to just bring a block of cheese or some store bought cookies, I don't see the point of that.

I would hope we were invited because you wanted to spend time with us. If you invited me because of what I would bring, well, I don't want to be there anyway!

This wouldn’t bother me at all and if the host is annoyed by it then I would let her say something.

@LBee: 100%

As someone who has traveled for both Thanksgiving and Christmas 14 of the last 16 years I really don’t have a problem with people not contributing when they travel. Especially with small kids I can’t do both. I now find it so much easier to host than to travel with both kids that I am happy to do the extra work of hosting and I do know it is extra work because that extra work is so much easier than traveling especially at this time of year. Before I had kids I was dependent who I was stayomg with because I rarely had my own car because rentals adddd so much to already huge travel costs and those we stayed with insisted it was unnecessary. At the end of the day though I think it’s between them and the host. If the expectation is that everyone bring something I think it is possible for them to bring something maybe just not as nice or homemade. But the host may not have a problem with letting them off the hook since they’re coming from out of town. I do think coming from out of town should let you off the hook because it’s a lot of work and cost to pick up and travel across the country to see family

The whole situation is different from my family—but it might be just that, a family difference. This is your husband’s family?

In my family, we do potlucks and every family is expected to bring something and yes, it’s usually spearheaded by the women. I’m trying to remember a single male cousin and if he brings anything and I’ve never paid attention. But no one would bring just chips and a dip (unless it’s a homemade dip) or just something store bought like store cookies. We just don’t do store bought stuff at our family gatherings. So showing up with a block of cheese or store cookies is just as weird (in my particular family) as not bringing anything at all. No one would eat it. Having said that, we are the type of family that always has too much—way too much food. We always travel in, and we come the day before and hit the supermarket and prepare our dish there. We have specific assignments, like 4 families have to bring a non potato side, 2 families bring a potato side, 2 families bring a sweet potato side, 4 families bring the meats, 2 families the breads, 4 families the desserts, th young unmarried being appetizers. With the assignments so specific, people would notice if you didn’t bring anything, lol.

But my husbands side doesn’t do potlucks at all, so when they have family get togetherness, someone hosts and the cook or cater for everyone.

So different families do different things. 🤷‍♀️

I absolutely wouldn’t expect someone who flew several hours to bring something. They’d have to fly in, go get groceries, and then hope that whomever they are staying with doesn’t need to be in the kitchen when they’re prepping food (or they would need to be staying in a hotel room with a kitchenette). The people who are driving 3 hours could have brought something if there was an event that night. I’d rather people not bring something than get something cheap from the store like chips and salsa. It’s different if they were asked to bring something but decided not to.

@cat620: We typically are the ones flying or driving for holidays like this. At this stage, with two kids in tow, whipping up an appetizer to share is not big on my list to do when I have limited (or no) access to a kitchen/car and am getting my bearings. Sure, stop and get wine if you want, but with 25 people coming I’m guessing one less appetizer from a couple isn’t going to make or break the meal. When people come to me (rare in my family), I’m more than happy to host and provide for the out of towners.

Oh don't touch this one. Not sure if they're single or married or how they're getting to the house, but if you live a plane ride away, would you really be comfortable borrowing your in-laws car and kitchen to cook an appetizer? My in-laws would tell me not to be ridiculous and that no one expects me to bring anything.