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I have heard more about domestic adoptions trending towards "open." It's one the reasons we decided on international for this adoption, as we did not want to do an open adoption. Most, if not all, international adoptions are considered closed, although we do send letters and photos to our Korean agency that the birthmother can see if she wants to check up on him. But we never need to have direct contact with her.

We have a friend going through the process, and said the same exact thing. The trend is towards more open adoptions and the parents have to make these crazy binders to basically sell themselves to potential birth mothers. It's crazy.

When I was adopted, the mom gave you up. The agency matched you with a baby. They were your new parents. The b-mom had nothing to do with it. The end. Seems much easier to me and less complicated.

My husband and I chose to have an open relationship with our donors for many reasons. We want to have access to their complete medical history and anything that comes up in the future. We also didn't want there to ever be a question our child asks us that we couldn't answer. The level of openness was decided on between both families with a mediator. Really it was more about what we as the recipient family were comfortable with. We agreed on twice a year email updates with the ability to communicate more if we want to. This is until our child turns 18. I have no problems with this at all. DH and I look at it like an extended family. The more people that love our child the better. We believe it really is whats best for our family.

ETA: we didn't have to market ourselves to be chosen because we went through an agency. The coordinator sent our profile to several donor families. The ones that said yes to us were sent back and we selected from them. I think it was a much easier process than a traditional adoption, where you make your profile and then wait for however long.

@mrscobee: It's hard to say. I don't think the agreement could ever be in jeopardy because it's a legally binding contract. I think if the birth family wanted to change it and even took it to a judge they would have an extremely difficult time doing so. I can't say it would be impossible because I've done no research on it. I do think that if either party wanted a change and the other didn't that it could lead to hurt feelings and a possible soured relationship. That is one thing that does make an open relationship complicated.

@TemperanceBrennan: I thought it was legally binding because my agreement is (although mine is for an object, not a person). I definitely don't know a lot about traditional adoptions.

@mrscobee: I totally get that concern. We are interested in adoption and it is so daunting to think about putting together a book that completely encompasses us as a couple/family/human beings using only pictures and words.
Ultimately, I blame technology!
I also think the more information, the better, so I like to believe that birth parents will make the decision based on more than just the flashy superficial stuff.

@TemperanceBrennan: I dunno! I don't know if you saw my post in the other thread, but my DH's cousin was just chosen by a birth parent because they are not white and all the other couples were--the birth mom specifically chose them because they are her daughter's skin tone, even though their cultures and religions are totally different. Well, that's the story--but the parents are highly qualified, nice, educated people so I sure hope all of that factored in, too!

@TemperanceBrennan: in my sister's situation, their agreement was put into writing and it is binding. they agreed to my sister seeing her biological daughter 12 times a year in writing but promised her much more verbally. it's a mess.

I think there is also a lot of difference between adopting an infant and an older child - whether domestically or internationally. The pressure to market yourself is higher with an infant, because the supply is much lower than the demand, whereas with an older child, the supply is higher than the demand.

@mrscobee: i'm really sad for the little girl, mostly as an adopted child i can totally relate and wish for her it was closed!

@Anagram: I think it echos my feeling that birth parents should get as much information as possible. Regardless of culture/religion people in America (I'm assuming that's where the adoption took place) judge others on their skin tone so I can absolutely understand that was one of the factors (maybe a really big factor) why they would choose that family over another.

@loki: @Leialou: Maybe it's different in different states? My SIL describes it as the biological parents having all the power before the adoption is finalized, but adoptive parents having all the power afterwards. Her family makes every effort to stick to their agreements (they have four kids with various levels of contact with their biological parents) but it is ultimately their decision.

loki - What a tough situation. Have the dads kept up their end of the agreement? What recourse does your sister have if they didn't? Would she sue them?

@loki: Wow. Are they restricted from ever moving? Have you ever met her? Sounds complicated and difficult.

Sorry for all the questions!

@loki: I'm curious about how/when you met your bio family, since you had a closed adoption? Was it just closed until you turned 18? Sorry this is becoming like a Reddit AMA for you on adoption, haha

I haven't read all the replies yet, but I could go on for a long time about this topic. Unfortunately, I'm on service... So I'll just touch on a few points for now and come back tonight with more.
1) research shows that children in open adoptions do better in all outcome measures than children I closed adoptions. Now this may be a function of the psychosocial sophistication of adoptive and birth parents in open adoptions and trend towards less drug use/psychosocial stressors on both sides... Or a function of child having an understanding of where he or she came from.
2) no one should promise openness unless they plan to follow through. It's not fair to the birth mom and it's not fair to the child! Know your limits and be yourself.
3) there is a baby for every family. I live in a conservative area. It would be really tempting to say that we were super religious and super conservative. Instead we were proudly ourselves and found the BEST birth family ever for us. I would have been miserable if we marketed ourselves and had a different kind of match that didn't reflect who we are. Birth mom would have been frustrated about that. So don't market yourselves. Just be yourselves... Someone will think you are the most awesome family ever.
4) know that open adoption is amazing!!! We started out semi-open, but we're now as open as can be. We text daily. We see each other all the time... As often as we see other friends. It works for us. We're clear about boundaries. Being open has made me a better mom. It makes my kids better kids. It has enriched our lives in ways too numerous to count. I have so many more relatives than I did before. Birth parents chose us to be parents and that's what they expect of us. We are also mentors to them while they inspire is to be the best parents for their babies. By knowing them better, we can understand behavioral issues better. I love it when S tells me something from her upbringing that suddenly clicks as a way to help M. Her mom has also had many helpful tips for us.

Again I have so much more to say, but no time...
I also have a post about keeping costs down in adoption...

@mrscobee: thanks! I've learned so much more since I wrote those, too... My adoptive relationship is sooo different now. It's grown and deepened in such an amazing way. Open adoption has been such a beautiful part of our lives!