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TTC After Loss Part II

  1. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @mrskansas: It is such a hard thing to accept... but true of most things in life. We don't get to control if a loved one passes away, or if we are predisposed to cancer or heart disease, or so many other important things... I hope that TTC can help me to be more at peace with this reality... but it is an ongoing battle.

  2. knittylady

    pomegranate / 3212 posts

    I'm at 10 today. 30 something last week. They say that's good but I still need to go last week, and they think it'll be 0 by then. God I hope so. I just want this to be over.

    Also I'm still in a good amount of pain at my big incision site - which is the opposite side from the removed tube. I can't really "take it easy" as they said. SAHM and all... Wondering if I should call, like do I have a hernia?? Ugh. Poop.

  3. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @knittylady: yay for 10! I hope it's done asap! I would call if there is any question whether the pain is normal ... you've been through enough already, don't want something to get out of hand if it needs attention.

  4. ALV91711

    pomelo / 5621 posts

    I was so behind on this thread and just caught up. Sending and hugs to everyone.

  5. Kemma

    grapefruit / 4291 posts

    Sometimes the loss and grief hits at the most unexpected times, a friend of mine just found out their baby had died at fifteen weeks (she was due in October and the NT scan had been perfect) and it totally made me cry. Losing a baby at any stage is hard but it must get harder as you get further along

  6. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @knittylady: I hope it gets to zero. Ugh. Testing to zero sucks (says my arm, lol). I'm so sorry you've been in pain. I would call, to be safe...

    @Kemma: I'm sorry, this is so sad....

    @ALV91711: hope you are doing ok...

  7. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @Kemma: I can't imagine for all those who have gotten past first tri

  8. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    I feel like I'm in the waiting game this week. I had some cm earlier this week that made me think my cycle could be relatively normal, like actually ovulate within a week (still spotting though). Based on test lines I'd guess my hcg is less than 50, maybe a lot less. But I also know the cycle after a d&c can have a lot of fake outs. The funny thing is I don't even want to try this next week - what I want is to ovulate in time to be able to try next month before dh is out of town. If he even agrees!

    It's becoming clear to me that my levels must have started dropping when the hb stopped (2+ weeks before d&c we think). I felt so awful those weeks but it didn't feel right for pregnancy sickness so in hindsight I'm guessing hormone drop - I had some light spotting I ignored around then too. It's kind of a silver lining because it validated that those feelings weren't normal, and hopefully it gets me back to "normal" sooner.

    Hugs to everyone

  9. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @bhbee: hormone drops stink so much. Hope the timing of your cycle works out and hcg is gone soon.

  10. ALV91711

    pomelo / 5621 posts

    @Kemma: I can't even imagine how much harder it would be the further along you are.

    @periwinklebee: Mostly all right. Seeing all the baby stuff around my house is driving me nuts. I should put it away or do something with it.

    @bhbee: I hope the timing of your cycle works out to try before your DH goes away.

    I'm getting anxious to get a period and move on with my cycles. I don't like this waiting game and not really knowing when to expect it.

  11. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @ALV91711: do you think you ovulated yet? I'm sorry about the waiting. It feels endless when you don't know how long it will take.

    I'm feeling the same. I was hoping to get a negative hpt today (2 weeks from d&c) since my levels started dropping well before surgery, but it seems to just be hanging out with a lighter line. Could be worse I know but ugh! Hoping we all feel "normal" soon!

  12. ALV91711

    pomelo / 5621 posts

    @bhbee: I think I did earlier in the week. I'm glad I have DS to keep me busy and my mind occupied. I hope you get your negative test soon.

  13. Kemma

    grapefruit / 4291 posts

    Question for the ladies who have got their cycles back following their losses, has your cycle changed much? My first AF was heavy and lasted longer than previous and AF has now shown up again less then four weeks later (the few cycles I've had in the last 4.5 years have been pretty light). My last two pregnancies were conceived pretty quickly (even while nursing) but it took twelve months to fall pregnant with our first child and I'm going to be really ticked off if my body has reverted back to its old cycles!

  14. LaughLines

    clementine / 880 posts

    My miscarriage was in Oct and our due date was May... Here we are in Apr and i just got another negative test this morning. Only one more try before the due date.... I feel like if I'm not pregnant by the due date I'm going to have a breakdown.

    I have pcos and we've been doing IUIs.

  15. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @LaughLines: I'm so sorry thinking of you. This sounds really hard...

    I'm having dreams about having another loss (and about missing the fertile window). I gotta try really hard not to think about TTC until I have to POAS again (not sure how that's going to happen), because ugh, just ugh, so over it....

  16. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @Kemma: I ovulated at the usual time, AF has been really weird this month but I think because of the CP and not the prior loss. Hope things go back to normal quickly for you.

  17. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @periwinklebee: how did you know you ovulated when your hcg was still up? Cm or temping? I need to stop poas but my opks are still positive from hcg for sure ... hoping cm will tell me if it happens. And really not thinking it's happening soon anyway, just wishful thinking.

    @Kemma: I haven't had any changes except later ovulation (so far at least ... who knows about this time since it was later) but I've definitely heard of it taking a few cycles to normalize again. I hope it does so soon!

    @LaughLines: I'm so sorry. Lots of hugs and I hope things get better soon

  18. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @bhbee: I'm sorry, my comment wasn't very clear. I didn't ovulate first cycle after my D&E. When I got my period, I was still getting a dark second line. But hcg fell pretty quickly after that, and I ovulated right on schedule next cycle (tracking as usual with opks and temps). I think to ovulate you'll need your hcg to be below 15 or so (mine was around 8).

  19. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @periwinklebee: got it. I had read you could ovulate at ~30 so I've been keeping my eye out since I think I'm in that range . . . but no real signs anyway so probably does need to be lower for me. Probably a good sign would be if my opk goes negative! I feel like my tests have looked the same for a week (light but definite) so the rate of change has definitely slowed down. I kind of wish I had a beta # for more info, but not enough to trek down (and pay for) the test!

    Mostly I need to stop obsessing . . . although I do want to call and ask about the pathology this week, seems like 3 weeks they might have it back (if they remembered to do it at all). It's kind of like poas though . . . if I get "good" news (it was a random genetic accident) I'll feel better, if I get the news that it seemed genetically normal then I'll freak out more.

  20. ALV91711

    pomelo / 5621 posts

    @LaughLines: Hugs, that sounds tough. I hope that this next cycle is your lucky cycle.

  21. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @bhbee: sorry about the uncertainty of it We did cytogenetics - where they just counted the # of chromosomes - and it took about a month to get back.

  22. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    I feel like in the past few weeks I was just starting to feel more like myself, more healed from our loss in February, but the most recent loss has really set that back, and I'm feeling pretty down again. I didn't have time to get attached to the pregnancy the way I did the last time, and I think I've managed to convince myself that it is not a bad sign for our future chances. But I just feel hollow inside. It felt so, so good (psychologically) to know there was a new baby growing in there, and now the contrast makes me feel even more hollow than before. I guess it's also just discouraging, as the idea of holding my baby gets pushed further and further into the future with each month. I know this is really fresh, and I just need to give it time and focus more on the great things in my life in the meantime...

  23. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @periwinklebee: hugs, friend. it is really hard and you are not alone. don't feel that you "should" feel a certain way . . . logic is not always a part of the process. mentally, I found my third loss the hardest (taking the hormonal aspect of a later loss out of the picture). hollowness - that word is where I was. and it seems kind of bizarre when I look at it rationally because I had a 1 year old then! but I had really thought that maybe the other times were in the past, that it would have been fixed now. I got pregnant the first cycle we tried, and lost it early. and the sadness I carried for a while was overwhelming. I just felt broken - I had had that week of thinking that everything was fixed, that we would have a baby in the spring - and then it wasn't true. but you're right that time will help, and future success will help of course. ttc never feels the same after losses but I still believe you'll get to where you want to be. it took a while for my luck to turn around, but being where I am now, I never regret pushing through it.

    in church today I kept hearing the theme that mrskansas mentioned: let your faith be bigger than your fear. I don't even think it was meant to be the message but it was all I could hear. belief in something good is powerful, even if all you have is a tiny bit today. we will be here to listen anytime along the way!

  24. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @bhbee: Thanks you have the best perspective! I think I do need to have faith that things will ultimately work out, because - while there are no guarantees in life - in the worst case scenario I doubt being pessimistic will make it any easier. I think I opened up and let myself be excited with this pregnancy - in a way I didn't with my first because I was so nervous about things not working out the first time around. Then it didn't work out either and my optimism was completely crushed, and I just felt despondent. I think it will slowly come back, though...I know I'll feel better when it does.

  25. ALV91711

    pomelo / 5621 posts

    @periwinklebee: hugs

    Ugh, this morning I got a text from MIL saying I keep forgetting to ask when baby is due, everyone I tell is asking and I don't have an answer. I wanted to lose it. I forwarded the text to DH with a wtf. He claims he hasn't really talked to his mom recently. But seriously in almost a month you couldn't contact your mom to tell her?!? And now how many people think we are expecting? So frustrated/mad.

  26. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @ALV91711: omg, I would be really upset. ugh.....

    Right after I told my husband I was pregnant the first time, he asked if he could tell his mom, and my answer was an emphatic no, for exactly this sort of reason....

  27. ALV91711

    pomelo / 5621 posts

    @periwinklebee: I now know why people wait to tell and I didn't think I'd have to tell him to let his mom know. Next time I'm keeping it quiet longer except my mom.

    My period started today too and that has made me feel not great. Heavy and cranky which is not normal.

  28. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @ALV91711: I'm so sorry. That's awful to deal with and then AF too. Take care of yourself today

  29. knittylady

    pomegranate / 3212 posts

    I just talking to DH about the possibility of trying this next cycle and he said he thinks we should wait the recommended 2 cycles or 3 months the doctor mentioned. She had said it would probably be fine even had I gotten pregnant before a full cycle, but he pointed out that she said it would probably be fine, but that she recommended the longer wait. He's a doctor and I figure that has something to do with it. But ugh. I hate the thought of another "wasted" cycle.... Feeling super bummed...

  30. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @knittylady: I'm sorry. The waiting is so hard. I know for me, I want to deal with the sadness by doing something to move forward and doing nothing makes it feel hard to do that. I hope you find a way to the same page soon. My husband and I are also really struggling to find common ground about what comes next for us. My hormones aren't even in a place to ovulate yet and it still makes me so sad. You are not alone!

  31. Jruess

    grape / 80 posts

    @ALV91711: sorry you are dealing with that! I know my husband didn't want to call his parents after we lost our baby girl. I think he was forced into it though so they could attend the burial.

    AF arrived today, a few days later than expected. This was our second cycle since the loss so we are cleared to start trying again. I'm scared to try but also scared to not try. I've been emotional mess the last few days thinking about the holidays & whether we were ready to try again.

  32. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @knittylady: I'm really sorry

    I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster and I just want off, but I'm not going to get off because what I want even more than that is to have a baby. I know that we could be in this position for quite a bit longer and I don't want to wish life by or always be miserable, so I'm trying hard to get in a better mindset but it isn't easy...

  33. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @Jruess: @periwinklebee: hugs ladies it's so hard to be in the in-between space.

    I had a really crap morning today. Last night I decided I should try to communicate with DH and our talk just made me realize how far apart we really are. I went to bed sad and woke up with it still hovering. I really don't know if we can try again given all the feelings, but I also don't know how to move on without that. How can this be our last try? I do understand his point of view, the logistics of it all and being afraid something will happen with me or the baby. But then he has to say something like "what's wrong with our life the way it is?". To me it's never what's wrong but what could be added to it. I guess the only thing to do is give it time and see what happens, it's not like it's an option yet anyway.

  34. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @bhbee: I'm sorry, I would be so, so upset if my husband didn't want to keep trying, like completely losing it upset. His response is similar, though thankfully he's on board with continuing to try: Why isn't our life good enough already? Why aren't I enough for you? Why do you have to have this other thing?
    Honestly, I don't know the answers to those questions, I really, really wish I could want it less too. I had to blink back tears several times today while sitting at my desk staring at some documents that I really wanted to be focusing on, because I just want so, so much to have my baby and it feels so impossible/far away.

    I would not want to end on a loss either. It sounds like your husband is concerned for you and your well-being with the possibility of another loss, but to the extent that trying again is really important for you, I hope that he will come around with (not too much) time.

  35. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @periwinklebee: oh yeah, I would completely lose it if this was my first baby for sure. for me it was a lifelong dream, and giving it up would have meant an intense amount of grieving. it's hard for them to understand you want them AND the baby, that you expected the package deal at some point. maybe you can remind him of all the things you want to see him do with a baby? it's only a random thought but I do think sometimes they feel like a sperm donor to get to the baby when in fact the dream is really the family not just the baby.

    as it's not my first though, it's kind of this strange thing where I know I can be ok without another, it's just that this is not an ending that makes sense to me. I went into it knowing with our past issues, we might get nothing or only chemicals. I was prepared to give up after maybe 9 months if that happened. but it's only been about 3 months and we saw that little heart beat and I am not there yet. I guess I thought that decision would be something we could make together, even if it was sad, it would feel like we'd given it what we could.

    who knows where we'll end up. I feel like the smart move for our relationship is to spend some time validating his feelings and not talking about mine. even if I don't agree with his conclusion, I know the concerns are real.

    in the mean time, I will try not to POAS again until Friday. that stupid hcg always drags it out at the end!

  36. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @bhbee: I think you have a really great perspective. There's something that really gets you about seeing that little heart beat and then having it stop. I wouldn't want to stop there either I hope your husband will be able to see more of your perspective as well. I agree it's good to always be making an effort so the other half doesn't feel like he is just a sperm donor and I'm sure I could do more....

    I'm thinking that I need some sort of (non-work) project to distract me when I'm in a rough TTC patch. I'm thinking about taking a bunch of our photos and making an album, I've done that for our wedding, but not more generally. And I think it would also make my husband happy to have an album of all of our adventures together...

  37. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @periwinklebee: it's easy to have perspective on paper, not as easy in real life!

    I think the photo idea is great! And maybe will inspire some new adventures?? I really miss that about the east coast, how there were so many fun places within easy driving distance!

  38. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @bhbee: I'm super looking forward to summer - more adventures would be great, and I'm going to need something to distract me from the lack of baby.

    Sending lots of good vibes - I hope that whenever you decide to test again, it is negative. I have to go in for another draw tomorrow, and honestly if it's not 2 or less (what my practice calls negative) I'm going to be super annoyed, after 2 months of draws (they are not in a convenient location for me). I would just stop going in, but I think if they don't see a zero hcg draw, there's not an option to start a testing cycle later...

  39. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @periwinklebee: I realllly hope you are done with draws for a while after this one!

    We are going on vacation next week and I'm getting excited! We spend most of our vacation time and $ visiting family so this is our first just us in 4 years. We're driving to the San Antonio area and my goal is to relax and try not to think about any ttc or hcg or poas or related acronyms

  40. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @bhbee: That sounds amazing - I hope you have a wonderful, relaxing, TTC acronym free trip!

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