Regular user going anonymous here because this is sensitive and we've established that no one has Gold anymore

Just wondering who else here has a really difficult relationship with their parents, and if you have any advice on how to deal long-term with not liking them. It feels like you are really not supposed to say that, but there it is.

My mother (she and my dad are divorced) is extremely emotionally needy, total victim mentality, incompetent at nearly everything, has made a lifetime of bad decisions affecting all of us, and is overall a very annoying person (super opinionated about things she knows nothing about, full of bad advice that she's ardent about, doesn't listen, bothers literally every stranger sitting next to her on public transit until they submit to an unwanted conversation with her, the list goes on). She used me as her emotional cleanup sponge for years before I started going to therapy and put an end to it (me: "Mom, stop telling me you're going to commit suicide one day; Mom, stop trying to girl-talk with me about your sex life, it makes me uncomfortable and it's inappropriate". her: "I don't need a therapist, I have you!"). She gets extremely hurt and acts like a petulant child when I enforce boundaries like this. My brother and I have been fielding comments to the effect of "wow it's fucking amazing that you guys turned out normal with parents like that" from extended family, family friends, our friends, our partners/spouses, since college.

She is enormously proud to be a grandma and her big thing is that she always wants to come visit to "help" and her frequently-stated only desire in life is to be around me and my brother and our respective kids. But, she is a total slob who is basically a tornado of debris and disorder, she is not capable of putting on a diaper or soothing the baby, I don't trust her with my very young kids, and unfortunately she is getting quite frail and isn't physically strong enough to help even if she were competent. She is also, very very unfortunately, in early stages of alzheimers or dementia; all of the personality traits above have been lifelong, but this has been obvious for the past year or two. She is in complete denial about this and becomes furious when my brother and I have very delicately brought it up.

When she visits (about 4x a year for 3-4 days), it's really burdensome and I get super testy and snappy even though I try my hardest to just be cool. Currently, she is slated to retire soon and she is extremely hurt that neither my brother/SIL nor my husband and I want her to come live near us. They are lovely, very balanced people and feel exactly the way I do about all of the above.

I guess I'm wondering how to deal with this long-term. I hate her visits and have spent my entire adult life trying to get away from the needy insanity, but now that I have babies and she's retiring, I feel like I'm just stuck in a constant cycle of trying to hold her off. What prompted me to write this post is I invited her for Thanksgiving and she booked her trip for two days longer than we discussed, without running the days by me first, as we discussed--I know she did it on purpose to get the extra time with us. It's so pitiful and I feel sorry for her, I know she does her best, but I'm all used up trying to maintain my own life, and am exhausted by her.

Does anyone else feel similarly taxed, even if for different reasons? I guess I'm equally looking for commiseration and advice. I'm so jealous of people whose parents are just straightforward people.