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Under these conditions, we wouldn't attend. It is a complete change of circumstances and the guilt trip wouldn't persuade me since it sounds super challenging. Ugh. Family stuff is so hard.

This is hard. I would if she hadn't met my kids or hadn't seen them in a very long time. But my husband and I were close to his grandmother and it was super important to us that she met our kids. She actually passed when I was 8 months pregnant with DS2 and we had to go to her funeral. It was a ton of work but I was really sad she never met him. It required two last minute plane rides and then an hour drive. It was insanely expensive and hard and we literally flew in Friday night and flew out Saturday night bc we couldn't take off work. My kids always sleep separately but we had to share a room too. But it was of our own volition and not because people were sweating us about it.

How far away is it? If it's like 2 weeks from now, I would have no problem saying you can't adjust to the new plan. If it's months away and you have time to plan, I would try to find a way to make it work. That being said, that would have been my opinion on the front end. Your FIL calling and guilt tripping/lecturing your husband would make me want to dig my heels in further to make the point that he is not in charge of decisions for your family.

It sounds like there are all sorts of inconvenience but that's just what you do for family. I would go.

I can understand her not wanting to travel. For a 90th birthday I would do what I could to attend, especially if all the rest of the immediate and extended family will be there. I feel like situations like this are inconvenient but worth it.

@caterw: I think you have to do what is best for you and your family! Every family has seasons where it is easy or hard to travel/make these decisions

Maybe just send DH?! But I know it is probably the kids they want to see!

I'd personally try to go as well. You probably can't get around the costly rental but you can probably figure out solutions to the majority of the other impediments. You can put one kid down to sleep while the other is walking around the hotel with the other parent. Once kid #1 is down, sneak in with kid #2 and make sure everything is ready beforehand to just crawl into bed. Also, if you just send your husband, you mentioned you wouldn't have a car to use at home. Could you just make do without being able to go anywhere for 24 hours?

The only person/people who really matter and factor in to this decision is grandma (and your family unit). So I'd give grandma a personal call ( maybe schedule another visit with her?). You could briefly say why you can't attend. Send her a plant, flower, whatever she enjoys along with a pic of the kids or her with the kids. Stuff happens...with my grandparents, they just cared about being thought of..they could have cared less about parties. In fact, they hated them

We no longer have living grandparents, but I'm not sure we would attend. The distance is a lot with two young children and my husband usually works one weekend day. Then again, if you are very close with this grandma, then try to go. If not, skip it.

We have bailed on numerous family reunion events on my husband's' side, but I always leave those decisions up to him. He doesn't feel close to his cousins and doesn't want to attempt to make close relationships at this point in his life, especially since most live 4+ hours away. My in-laws give him/us a hard time about our decision to skip these events.

I would make every possible effort to go. 90 is a pretty big deal, and that party will be part of family memories for many years. But if that's not possible, I think your compromise is a good one

Under these circumstances I would likely not go. I'd go another time for quality 1x1 time. I think your plan is a good one.

That said I can't remember a time that I ever missed my grandmas birthday. I've been the only grandchild of 6 that always has been living near her. This year is the first birthday I'm missing and she's fallen into poor health but I'm not canceling my vacation and one of my cousins moved here recently and I will send flowers.

Yup, I would definitely attend! It's a 90th birthday! Lots of people aren't even lucky enough to even see age 90. I would never expect a 90 year old to travel to celebrate her own birthday. You never know, this might be her last big celebration! Go for it!

Im so shocked at all the responses saying they wouldn't go. It would not even be a question for us- a 90th birthday is a big deal. I would never ever miss it. If money is an issue, then just sleep in the same room for one night, everyone will survive.

yeah, i would also do everything to be there for a grandparent's 90th!

@Trailmix: I'm with you.

You should go and stay in a local hotel. One night all in the same room will be rough, but you'll all survive.

I think that as long as you're making it out to see her the weekend before, you should be ok. If you were waiting to see her "later in the fall" I would say you need to get to that birthday party. My grandmother made it to 91 and was in amazing health, but her heart just gave out one day. I think it's important that you get to see her sooner rather than later.

As for your FIL, I'd let your DH deal with him.