I know it shouldn't matter, but things are tough and I'm curious.
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I feel grateful with a caveat, sometimes times get tough and I wish away marriage, but at the end of the day, I still want to be married to my husband. That for me is key. It's not always rainbows and unicorns but we want to make our relationship work because the "force" is strong between us
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Sorry to hear things are tough. I like to think that one of the hallmarks of a happy marriage/relationship is mostly good times peppered with small issues that need to be addressed, not mostly bad times peppered in with really good times.
Have you considered seeing a therapist alone or with your SO?
I have recently started going to a therapist to be proactive (I'm on session 5 or so). I did my research and made an appointment within days of finding out I was pregnant because we have a lot of external turmoil going on in our world and I was scared that if I did not address some issues up front they would become bigger issues later. It is so nice to have a neutral third party to talk to.
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@youboots: Thanks - yes, we're both in therapy.
Things aren't always bad, I just sometimes wonder if my expectations are too high.
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We are working on a new normal currently, I voted hanging on by teeth, but I hope that's going to (finally) come to an end.
Sorry to hear things are tough for you, I hope you can move in a positive direction soon.
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@TheReelDeal: I think you said it perfectly, Star Wars reference, and all.
I feel the same way. Also, sometimes the low times last longer than a night. We've gone through months of "only ok". I think that's totally normal. We've worked through it all and are probably, hopefully, stronger for it.
I'm sorry you're struggling right now. Sometimes it seems like everyone is so freaking happy and perfect and in love. It's not always the case and everyone has down times, they all just happen at different times. I know venting about spouses can be hard, so if you feel like you need to vent, my wall is totally open for you.
Feel better. 
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@jojogirl this may sound really cheesy but have you heard of The Five Love Languages? It seriously changed the foundation of the way we communicate and love each other, I consider it one of the top reasons our marriage feels so solid. We were given the book by my cousin before we were married almost 10 years ago and I still think about what I learned almost every day. Occasionally we retake the test. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Disclaimer: I have not read this book yet, but it's on my Amazon wish list. Since you mentioned high expectations you may want to take a peak and see if it sounds compelling. http://www.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/045123216X
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I would say our day-to-day is more that we have a good relationship and work well together, but there's not much romance. We definitely love each other, but I wouldn't say that we feel "in love" constantly. We are more in our groove of working, taking care of the toddler, having dinner together, watching some TV together, etc.
I hope things get better for you soon.
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Appreciate the honesty and feedback
@Beebug: Glad to hear things are looking up..
@.twist.: Thank you..
@youboots: Haha, I actually mentioned the 5 love languages book to him the last time we 'talked'.. don't think it sunk in. Maybe I need to try again to suggest we read it.
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@Adira: Thanks
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I thought 5 love languages was pretty good; learned a few things about each other. i have a copy somewhere if you'd like it.
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@JoJoGirl: 5 love languages and "hold me tight" by Sue Johnson were recco'd to is by our counsellor, she joked people stop seeing her after they get into hold me tight. We haven't gotten into it yet, but anyone we know who has worked with the book says amazing things.
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Our marriage is so much different than it was before we had LO. Some of our current "highs" would've definitely been "lows" pre-baby! I voted "I feel grateful for and in love..." but I don't mean that we're constantly sending mushy texts to one another throughout the day and all over each other at home. A lot of the time (especially during the week as we both WOH full-time) I feel like we're just going through the motions...come home, play with LO, put her to bed, eat dinner, watch a show, go to sleep, rinse, repeat. I do try to occasionally throw something more fun into the mix. I think most couples struggle at one point or another. Just wanted to offer ((HUGS)) and say I hope it gets better!
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@lawbee11, sometimes i feel like we are ships passing in the night, particularly during the week.
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@blackbird: I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that LO goes to bed at 7 and after that we're kinda stuck at home. We used to be able to go out for a drink, catch a movie, have a picnic, and we can't do that anymore. We do have occasional date nights, but we used to go out wayyyy more than we do now!
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Our normal is very basic, but our relationship has always been that way. We are both very practical, so it's not like we're bringing each other flowers and chocolates, but we have each other's backs.
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I think we are still working on finding our new normal since having a baby. We both are tired all the time, especially him. We still are in love, we do a couple random I love and miss you texts during the week, but not as much as we use too. Like what @lawbee11: said, sometimes it feels like we are just going the motion. We both know that it is something we need to work on. My Mom is coming to the beach with us for 4 days next month, so we are both looking forward to a couple date nights and just having a fun night out again.
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@JoJoGirl: and hugs friend!
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@lawbee11, same, E goes to sleep at 7 but we also go to bed at 9. So 7-9 is spent cleaning, getting ready for the next day, packing lunches, and sometimes...sometimes, a little tv or reading.
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I guess what I'm wondering is: do you all still feel *emotionally* connected to your partner? Like you have deep/vulnerable/open-hearted conversations? I see the 'going through the motions' thing is pretty common, but how often does it go deeper than that?
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@JoJoGirl: for us, those convos/feeling connected mainly happens when we have alone time together. So when we're on a date night, or if we eat dinner together after LO goes to bed, or at night before bed sometimes. Do you guys get any time alone just the two of you where you don't have to do anything else (clean, prep food, etc)?
ETA and I have definitely gone through phases of NOT feeling connected to him. When that happens, I know that I need to make an effort to have some time just the two of us. We were just able to go away for a few days together without LO and it was AMAZING for reconnecting (and catching up on sleep
)
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@JoJoGirl: usually on date nights, which aren't near as often as they should be.
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Our relationship has been better before baby but I think considering our life stage right now we're doing okay. We are definitely in love and I'm so grateful for him. I know he feels the same. We aren't bring very romantic or devoting much time to each other but I think both of us know it's temporary with a young baby.
We actually had spontaneous sex the other day. Which was awesome. I thought that kind of stuff died a long time ago. Haha
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I voted for the first one, but there have been times in our relationship where I would have voted for all of the others. Therapy helped us immensely. I hope things start to look up!
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@JoJoGirl: We do sometimes, but definitely not all the time. Usually only when we're feeling unhappy about something (like him not helping enough for Xander or me not being affectionate enough, etc). I feel like when we DO have open-hearted conversations, they are always productive and we both feel pretty good afterwards, even if things don't actually change. But actually having these types of conversations are not part of our norm. Most of our conversations are more about Xander, work, what we're doing that weekend, etc. We probably have deep conversations every 1-2 months (if even that often).
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@jojogirl, we're pillow talk kind of people. We talk the most when we're alone...it's quiet....and we're settled down. I started putting a hard stop on "stuff" at 8:30pm. No more cleaning, no more stuff. Otherwise i keep going and going and then he goes to bed without me.
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@JoJoGirl: I agree, date nights. Honestly, sometimes I don't even know what to talk about any more. What doesn't he know about me? Nothing! He knows everything about me! haha. I often find myself at a loss for things to talk about. I suppose I could read up on current events or something? haha.
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We're a combination between the first and third options. I feel grateful for my husband pretty much every day. But at the same time, there's not a lot of romance as our norm. It's hard during the week when you've got a baby. And we recently moved (which included selling one house and buying another), and that was harder on our marriage than having a baby ever was.
But even though we argue sometimes, and there are days when we act closer to roommates than husband and wife, he's still my everything. He's my best friend, the person I love talking to the most, the core of my family, and the love of my life.
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@.twist.: so it isn't just me. We end up with stuff to talk about but sometimes it is so hard cause I don't want to talk about work or R on our date night. We just don't have anything going but those two things.
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@Smurfette: @.twist.: YES. That's exactly it. Work and "house/parenting stuff" is what it often boils down to, and I don't know how connected that makes me feel. You know?
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@.twist.: @Smurfette: @JoJoGirl: We're the same way. Sometimes when I go out for dates with Hubs, it can feel awkward, because I don't know what to talk about. We already know everything there is to know about each other. We usually end up talking about work or Xander or things we want to do around the house!
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@Adira: Okay okay so this is my point. So then what makes you feel connected if that's the case? Sometimes I feel like even when we do have alone time together, it sort of falls flat. Or... just below my expectations of what "should" happen??
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I try to read or listen to interesting articles/stories in the news so that hubby and I can talk about other things besides work, or pregnancy. I think it's my way of keeping things "fresh" between us. Also, he's not the type of guy to talk about feelings so we aren't having deep intimate talks all the time, but when we do have those talks, I'm reminded why I married him and I feel emotionally connected all over again and when I need to rev things up I think back to those times and use those reserves to help.
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Deep conversations? Not any more, but that's largely a function of the fact that those decisions are behind us. Now our conversations are much more utilitarian, like should we remodel our kitchen, will we get it back in the resale, lol. It's not the conversations of a few years ago, like if and when we would like to begin a family, what continent we would live on, how we felt about certain world events.
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@JoJoGirl: it sounds silly but I have in the past skimmed the newpaper/checked on line to see what is going on in the world (because I normally have no idea!) specifically to bring it up at dinner and talk to DH about it. It almost always leads to other topics, plus I feel like a slightly more educated person! Win win!
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@looch: Fascinating. But you feel in love with him anyway? How do you keep the engine going, so to speak?
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Our agreed goal is that our marriage is the best/most fun/least stressful part of our lives. Post baby that has been hard. She is only 3.5 mo and I think we have had at least 6 come to Jesus talks so far. We have a lot of issues that pop up, most of which are old but amplified by lo. But I think where we get it right is that goal to have things be awesome. Right now we fight a lot but at the end of every fight we at least feel good about things. It might not last long but we are happy to keep doing the work to keep getting back to awesome. I think I'll be more scared when I no longer feel like fighting.
Also my definition of romance has changed. We had a fight Saturday and on Sunday dh took my car to get us food and got gas for me so I wouldn't have to do it this week. Basically the best thing ever at this point lol
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@Smurfette: @JoJoGirl: @Adira: I'm glad it's not just me.
I do try to read interesting articles that will be fun to talk about with him, if I remember. We've both talked about how nice it would be to get away for a weekend. Experience a little bit of somewhere else. There's a Dinosaur Museum a couple hours away from our house that we would both love to go see. I think actually following through with things like that help. It's just hard to find the time.
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@JoJoGirl: Random things make me feel connected. Like we'll be watching TV and I'll say something and Hubs will make fun of me and we'll laugh. Lately (because it's summer), we've been taking Xander for walks around the neighborhood in the evening and even though we spend our time shepherding Xander, it makes me feel connected because we're doing something nice as a family. Sometimes it's just talking about our plans (we're going to start painting Xander's new room this weekend) and just knowing we're making future plans together makes me feel connected. I feel REALLY connected when we actually go to bed together and we have "alone time" and talk about random stuff. But going to bed together doesn't happen as often anymore because I usually go to bed earlier than Hubs.
But I think everyone is different. I'm not sure the things that make me feel connected to Hubs are the same things that make him feel connected to me. Hubs is definitely more physical than I am and feels more connected when we're physically interacting. I think it helps him feel connected when we snuggle on the couch while watching TV or when I randomly come up and give him a hug or a kiss. And certainly sex helps, but it doesn't happen as often as it used to with a toddler exhausting us and my being pregnant.
I hope this helps.
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@Mae: Agree with you about the definition of romance changing. Nothing says I love you like washing my pump parts!
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