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When DH does very little...

  1. hb3233

    cherry / 229 posts

    @PawPrints: I tried the "you do this while I do that" approach tonight and it actually worked! Great idea - thank you!

  2. PawPrints

    pomegranate / 3658 posts

    @hb3233: Awesome!

  3. Applesandbananas

    pomegranate / 3845 posts

    @hb3233: I love the "you do this, I'll do that" approach I usually pull this one out for tasks that are really hard to do with a toddler underfoot (like the floors) and tell DH "LO and I are going to X, we'll be gone for 2 hours (or whatever), please run the floor cleaner while we are gone." It's something that takes 20 minutes and then he gets a ton of downtime afterward. It doesn't have a 100% success rate, but it can be pretty effective. It also helps with some of that tit for tat mentality. We've really struggled with household balance and it constantly evolves. When LO was nursing, it was challenging to have a 50/50 split, same with mat leave, and then I worked part time, etc., so it just constantly evolves. Sometimes things are good, sometimes they suck, but I think that's true for everything about marriage. Follow your heart. If this is the man you've chosen to spend your life with and want to have a family with him, go for it, but know that even the best of marriages come with their own struggles.

  4. MrsSRS

    nectarine / 2987 posts

    Oh yes this is super effective! I do a similar thing. Something like "would you like to change the baby's diaper or unload the dishwasher?" "Would you like to take the toddler outside or vacuum the living room?" "I'm getting dinner ready. Would you like to make the salad or saute the veggies?" Etc. I do this All.The.Time. And it gets rueful compliance every time, because the only other alternative is to say no and look like a jerk!

  5. gingerbebe

    cantaloupe / 6131 posts

    Along these lines, one thing we have implemented is the word "help." It's more polite and less naggy. I will go to DH and just say "I need help." And he will say "okay, how can I help?" And then I will ask him to do something. As a result DH has also trained himself to ask me "how can I help?" when he sees me doing chores or before he goes off to do something in the evening, like working in his office, because once his focus is turned there, he won't want to be disturbed. He will ask and I will give him a specific task and then he will come back after its done and say "how else can I help?" And we do this back and forth until whatever I want done is complete and then he will say "okay, I'm going to work in my office now."

  6. ValentineMommy

    pomelo / 5791 posts

    My DH probably does more to help with the kids than around the house.

    He's never been very involved in housework. He does the dishes (sometimes) and takes out the trash. He does his own laundry. That's about it.

    I am the breadwinner, do 98% of the housework, and do the vast majority of kid stuff. Dh DOES do night duty with the kids (even as infants) though, so that helps a lot.....

    But yea, it didn't really change once we had kids. The disparity became even more noticeable.

  7. pwnstar

    pear / 1718 posts

    Expecting a change is unrealistic. Doing it all is hard. Beyond what you think hard is now. And it's not just having a baby that's the game changer, pregnancy is a game changer too (people tend to forget that part). So it's not just what happens after you have the baby, but also what happens during your pregnancy. Having a great relationship with someone isn't enough. You need a partner.

  8. BSB

    hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

    DH has a medical condition so there are times he gets nothing done because he is having a rough day. I'll admit to get him to take on more responsibilities (on his good days), we had to fight and I had to cry to show him how overwhelmed I was. This was pre-baby. We took 3 years to have the twins (thanks to IF ), so we definitely had time to work on our household balance. Now that the twins are here, he has really stepped up. He is a SAHD, though. There are certainly things that can't be forgotten or put off when you have twins.

    I have learned that I need different incentives to do things and he has others. Trying to give him responsibilities that work with his strengths has helped a lot. Trying different ways to remind him. Just like I'm learning lessons, he is too.

  9. winniebee

    hostess / wonderful grape / 20803 posts

    I haven't read through the different responses, but here's our situation.

    My husband is a surgeon and I'm a lawyer, but his schedule and profession has zero flexibility, whereas mine typically does. Before kids, he was in his residency still and I was working full time in a law firm. I did most everything around the house because he worked more hours than me, including weekends. When we had kids, I reduced my hours a little, then eventually stayed home for a few years while he finished residency and fellowship. Now we have 2 kids and he's in private practice and I work part time (3 days a week). He works anywhere from 60-100 hours a week. Last weekend he was home for a total of 3 hours from Saturday morning until Sunday at 5, which includes Saturday night! So that's our background. The reality is that I do pretty much everything around the house and I'm the first line of defense for the kids. I handle the finances. The insurance. Anything relating to the house. Our car registration. Family gifts. You name it. Now, when he is home, he chips in with cooking and clean up from dinner and he is great with the kids and is hands on. But he still asks me stuff like "what time should he take a nap? what do you want them to wear." He's good about house projects, will happily run any errands I need him to run (but needs to be TOLD to run the errands), but is terrible about picking up after himself. He hasn't done a load of laundry in years. I't's just our life, and I accepted it going into our marriage and life with kids. It has nothing to do with money though...just has to do with the fact that I have job flexibility and he's just just not home all that much. Since he works so much, I don't work full time and we have a nanny for the days I work, who we pay well enough that she's willing to do errands and housework. We outsource most anything we can. He never criticizes if I spend money on stuff like that. It's my sanity.

    Not sure how helpful this is, but it is what it is.

  10. stiletto_mom

    persimmon / 1183 posts

    I haven't read other posts yet but just wanted to say that you shouldn't have to feel like you need to justify yourself by saying you make equal amounts of money.

    The division of labour and responsibility is supposed to be even no matter how much you make. It's called being an adult. Being responsible for both yourself and others.

    I would choose a time when things are good to talk about your concerns about feeling not equal in the partnership. That if things continue this way, it will build resentment. That you want a husband that is both competent and responsible.

    Start with asking him about his concerns towards to the future. Make a plan together how you can help him achieve that goal.

    Then tall about your concerns.

    If he responds defensively, just back off and say "it's ok, we can talk about this later when we've cooled off". Chances are he'll already know he's not pulling his weight and feel personally attacked.

    Unfortunately, he did not develop these skills growing up, so you are stuck with the task of teaching him

    Those are basically your options:
    Teach him adult skills or compensate by outsourcing.

  11. hb3233

    cherry / 229 posts

    @Applesandbananas: @MrsSRS: @gingerbebe: Thanks! I should probably design some "marketing experiments" to figure out how to sell DH on doing chores. I'm sure the presentation of it matters a lot, definitely going to try these strategies.

    @pwnstar: Thanks! Yes, definitely, I'm going to make it clear that he needs to do more to help then, as growing a baby is making a *major* contribution to the household already.

    @bluestriped bee: Agreed to the importance of experimenting with different approaches!

    @winniebee: Thanks for sharing! I think inflexible/long hour schedules make things really tough. It's also the case that DH's job is somewhat less flexible than mine and I think that definitely comes into play. If he has to present at a meeting tomorrow, he really has to finish the analysis for it, and most of his job is about finishing something for the meeting tomorrow. My job has some day to day responsibilities but is more oriented around long-term projects. I work about as many hours, but if there's something around the house that needs to be done, it's less likely that I have an urgent deadline that impedes me from doing it.

    @stiletto_mom: Thanks, agreed! It never works to talk about these things while in a hot state, but we definitely need to discuss things more.

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