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Honestly, I don't know if I could get over it. To me, # of kids is a huge deal. I'm not sure how you get passed it without resenting your husband. Will giving him more time help?

In a way I understand how you feel because although I have two kids already, I feel like I am missing one. I have a huge desire for a 3rd. I don't think I could give up the hope for a 3rd. If we tried and it didn't happen that would be one thing. But to not even try would be really difficult for me.

@kiddosc: I'm so sorry. We went through the same thing. After E was born D decided he didn't want another. In my heart I didn't feel like our family would be complete, but I didn't want to force him to have another baby if he didn't want one. So I spent two and a half years trying to make peace with only having one child. I made lists of all of the perks of having an only child, and was pretty close to being okay with the decision (if sad) when he changed his mind, and now we're currently trying for another.

I hope, if nothing else, your DH realizes how important it is to you and changes his mind. Did he give a reason for his change of heart? Maybe if he wrote down a list of reasons he doesn't want a second (Financial strain? Daycare costs? Newborn days?) you could start to address them?

Initially, my husband and I didn't agree, I had wanted more than one, he was done at one. I wouldn't say he "convinced" me to be one and done, but I did change my mind and now our family is complete at 3.

I"m sorry I soooort of get it but I don't feel as strongly as you. Before we had LO we planned on two pretty close together. Then she was a hard newborn and we were both in the "hell no never ever again" camp the first month. Over time I have felt better and better about having a second. Now at 10mo when I think of things in a vacuum, I think that I would probably have a second. I'm scared of the newborn days but I know they pass. And if my DH was on board I think it would be a definite yes. But he has never gotten over our horrible first month and he still isn't adjusted to life with a kid really (I mean, he's happy.. but not fully adjusted). So he's in the "definite no" camp. We've talked about it and I'm sort of leaving it up to him. I don't want to have a kid with someone who doesn't want one. I'd rather have one child and a happy husband than two children and an unhappy husband. We'll keep talking about it but if he never wants another I think I'll be fine.

The problem is you don't sound like you will be fine... I think the therapist is probably a great idea.

I'm in the same place, only I'm wanting number 4 and DH is done at 3. I know, that seems like enough children, but I really want a big family because we have no family near us, so my kids only have each other. Right now, we have put it on the backburner. My youngest is 15 months old, and even though we would need to get pregnant now to have the same age gaps of my other kiddos (they are all about 22 months apart), we are just putting it all on hold.

It sucks. Oh man it sucks. I agree with you, I don't know how I can get over it if we don't have one more. I just don't know how one moves on from that.

@kiddosc: I'm so sorry to see your post on this because I remember you commenting on the same issue a little while ago. I am in the (almost) exact same situation with my DH. The only difference is that we never fully discussed how many kids to have, just that we wanted to have kids. So it's not the same since he never officially agreed to 2 and is now changing his mind. (though we also never agreed to just have one)
I don't have any advice, just commiseration. I think about this multiple times a day and just feel so distraught about it. Our LO is 21 months, and my DH has been saying for over a year that he feels sure that he only wants one. His reasoning sounds very similar to your DH. He is extremely concerned about having a kid with significant special needs. Most of my career has been spent as a special ed teacher to kids with severe autism (and all the behaviors that go along with it), so my DH is hyper aware of that kind of thing. He also is someone who likes things to be relatively orderly and neat, so having even one kid has been a huge adjustment for him.
I have tried for this whole time to be okay with it, and, intellectually, I completely see the advantages of just having one. But every time I think about the reality of it, it makes me so sad. The other day, the word that came to mind was heartbroken about not having another.
So about a month ago, I decided it was time to officially bring it up with DH. I told him that I've tried for over a year to be okay with just one, but I'm not, so I just asked him to also take a lot of time to think it over and try to be okay with another. Not that I'm expecting him to change his mind quickly, but I just wanted him to know how I felt and to think about it.
And his reaction was *so* misleading at first and gave me so much hope. His first question was whether I want just one more kid or more than that. So, of course, I'm thinking, well when I say that it's just one more, maybe he will say okay. And then he said, if we were going to have another, we should have done it a few months ago because now S is becoming more independent and sleeping really well, so it will be hard to go back to sleepless nights. And I was like, what?! We could have done this months ago?!
But apparently that was just some hypothetical comment because he said that, although he's willing to think about it, he does not see himself changing his mind.
I also don't know how we will possibly move forward since, you're right, it's not like there's a compromise/middle ground.
Thanks for letting me write a novel. It also feels good to get it out

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there. When I brought up having our first baby my husband, who has known since about our second or third date that I wanted two kids, decided 10 years into the relationship that he wasn't sure he wanted to be a dad at all. It was horrible. I went to counseling and so did he. For him it turned out he had a lot of other things to work on emotionally (mainly related to his own father not being a presence in our lives), and after a good 6 months he came to me and said he was ready. Now that he has our son he is a changed man-he loves his son more than I thought he realized he could love anything! That's not to say we won't have another struggle when trying for #2 comes up in the future (our son is only 4 months old). Like you said, it was important to me that he came to the decision himself, and we're both glad he did.

My advice would be to tell him that your son not having a sibling/you not getting the experience to be pregnant again/to have a second child/whatever your reasons are are still there, and you aren't willing to give that up yet. Hopefully he'll come around. Again, so sorry you're going through it-I know how devastating it can be.

I truly thought I could be one and done for a while but I wasn't. It was a huge struggle and part of the reason our two will be 4 years apart. There was added complications with infertility in our case and treatments. It got to the point that I was pretty miserable and he was miserable with other aspects of his life. Somehow it came up again and we found a path. Not one that we expected to take but one that was successful for us. We are definitely a two kid family (though I would love more I don't need more). And we are both more happy and there are many more changes in store for our life that make it easier. So I have been there. I wasn't sure if it was a deal breaker or not. Sometimes it felt that way and other times it didn't. We did look at counseling (as I mentioned many issues) but didn't make it that far.

@kiddosc: What a fantastic update!!!

@kiddosc: Oh, this makes me so happy for you!