Hellobee Boards

If I were on the other side, I'd want someone to tell me. But, I am also a strong believer in sharing is caring. I usually get upset at people NOT telling me just to spare my feelings. Because that seems like you were willing to let me suffer the potential lasting consequence instead of hurting my feelings short term.

It's hard if you don't think she'd take it well. Her pediatrician should have caught the signs. Maybe ask when will she have her 2 year appt, and start with something harmless like asking where he is with weight and height and then ease into the more difficult questions?

I'm willing to bet she already knows and it is a worry that she isn't comfortable bringing up - either because she's mentally avoiding the issue or she's still processing it. Or even worse, the guilt is still gnawing at her.

I wish I had some advice. You know your friend better than any of us here. If she's taking him to regular well-visits with his pediatrician, it will come up there.

If you really feel like you need to mention it, maybe you could start about by just offering to listen. Something like "Remember when you told me you were struggling with your guilt over toddler's speech development? How are you feeling about that these days?"

I'd avoid saying anything outright. It's really hard for parents to hear & accept things like this, even from people they're the closest to. I think, because she brought up speech, you could talk about that. Something like "How's his speech going these days? Here's some activities for speech development I found on Pinterest. When's his wellness check? What did the doctor say?" Those probably won't be seen as too invasive or judgmental, but more as curiosity & caring.
However, if she ever asked you about noticing anything, then I think it's okay to be honest and say yes, you've noticed certain signs.

One way to bring it up is to say, "I noticed Johnny does ____, have you ever noticed that?" I think that can be a way to open up a conversation gently without embarrassing her. If she says she's noticed these things, you can ask what her pediatrician thinks or if she's ever discussed these concerns with the pediatrician, because an evaluation never hurts...and then I'd leave it at that unless she brings it up again.

I haven't been in this situation exactly, but sometimes when I want to bring something up but am not sure the other person wants to talk, I write an email expressing my concern, letting them know that this is a tough thing to talk about, and that we can talk about it more if and only if they want to. Then the other person can just ignore if that is what works best for them.
But such an email could still be upsetting for her.

I would not bring it up unless you are professionally trained in child development. Pediatricians evaluate for this. My nephew was/is the same way and my sister's pediatrician recommended that my sister have my nephew tested for early intervention. He tested borderline and she did therapy until she found out insurance wouldn't cover it. He's still really behind in my unprofessional opinion but I realize that I am not a specialist and that she has made her decision.

I've worked with kids with ASD for a long time and I love the suggestions from @magnoliamama42: and @pancakes: to ask if she wants to talk about it or say that you've noticed something. Since she's brought up concerns to you before, she knows something is up, so I'd be okay with asking about it gently. I've definitely seen kids slip through the cracks and miss good early intervention because they did things like smile at others or seem bright in particular areas.

It's possible she already knows, but she may be feeling helpless and in denial. It sounds like you're close and hopefully she would understand that if you say something, it's coming from a place of love. So maybe it would help to gently point out that while you think something may be going on, it's not the end of the world and if she brings it up with a doctor and a diagnosis is confirmed, many children do very well when they start therapy early and can learn the social skills that don't come to them naturally.

I wouldn't bring it up with her. If she's otherwise well educated and not extreme in some fashion (ie, anti science, anti vax) and has already hinted to you she thinks her son has delays....I guess I imagine she already knows/fears, which is part of the reason she is delaying his 2 year appointment.

The most I would do is to casually suggest to her that she get on his 2 year appointment for some other reason; but met with resistance, this isn't something I would insert myself into personally.

@Cherrybee: This is really tough but given what you've said about the health system where you live, I think you should say something. Just be sensitive and respectful.

I didn't read all of the replies so this might be a repeat but I was in your same shoes. What I decided on was sharing the story of a friend who got an evaluation and how great an experience it was and how it really put her mind at ease etc. Assuming you don't have another friend who recently went through it too maybe you could "stumble across an article." For my friend, she already had concerns in the back of her mind and I think it made it easier to know what to expect and how supportive the early intervention people were. I think people are scared that EI will judge their parenting or tell them what they did wrong, and let's be real, finding it there may be a concern with your kid's development is scary so it's easier to ignore sometimes.

No. I wouldn't say anything unless my friend brought it up herself.

I have a friend that we have a similar issue with. My daughter is 4, her son is 3 months younger. There is a staggering difference in their ability levels. He has just potty trained. Until about a year ago he still walked on tippy toes, not able to socially interact with other kids, etc. He doesn't talk much. I will never say anything and she is one of my 2 best friends. She stays at home and contributes his issues to just not being around other kids much, but is also not willing to put him in pre-k. Her older son has sensory processing disorder and is a huge handful. I think her younger one is constantly overlooked due to big brother, but I will never say that.

I value our friendship too much to damage it and her self esteem as a parent would take a huge blow.

@JoyfulKiwi: I was going to say the same thing about speech therapy! I feel like that would be a much easier thing to talk about with your friend than possible ASD- lots of kids are speech delayed (including my daughter's bestie and another neighborhood friend) and a lot of cities have free or super cheap speech therapists that will come to the house to work with children. DD's best buddy has had speech therapy for only 6 months and went from basically zero speech at 2 years old to being pretty understandable in conversation after 7 months of working with a therapist- it's amazing.

I can't imagine a scenario in which I would say something. The closest I'd come would be if she asked me outright, and I'd probably say something like, 'oh he's probably fine, all kids are different, but you should ask your pediatrician just to ease your mind.' It's such a sensitive topic. I would think if there was a real concern, a family member or Dr would say something.

I would absolutely not bring it up. I have been in a similar situation with DH's best friends son. He has since been diagnosed by a dr and our friends have told us they always knew something wasn't right and that he was different. So they knew and us pointing it out wouldn't have changed anything.

@Cherrybee: While I know you're concerned, and you may want someone to say something if it were your child, I wouldn't say anything given her sensitivity. I've been in your situation with a friend of mine, and here's how it played out:

My friend's son is 18 months older than my son, and they were essentially on the same level with expressive language. Receptive language, my son was usually ahead of hers, and her son began exhibiting some signs of delays. We talked about them as she brought them up, and I asked if she had seen a developmental pediatrician (we're in the US), and she felt as if I was attacking her for being a bad mom and not getting him the care she thought he needed.

She finally did call early intervention just before he turned 3, and he qualified for 4 out of 5 therapies they offered. He's now 5, and they evaluated him for kindergarten. Early intervention classified him as autistic, and she flew off the handle. She called me to complain that they didn't call her to warn that the diagnosis was coming and she didn't think that the tests were done appropriately. She's fighting every day to have that diagnosis retracted instead of focusing on getting her son the help he needs, and it's frustrating to watch.

The thing is, I'm not in her shoes, and I don't know what it's like to have a son who is severely delayed (yet). Until I've walked a mile in her shoes, I won't ever say anything about my feelings on the situation other than to be the listening ear for her. It wasn't received well when I made a suggestion initially, and I learned my lesson from there.