My husband's grandma is under hospice care now, and they say she has two weeks to live. We've never taken our kids to see her, because she and most of my husband's extended family live on the other side of the country. Since my husband found out his grandma is dying, he suggested taking our 5 year-old to visit her. He thinks he's old enough to appreciate meeting his great-grandmother before she dies. I have some concerns though, especially since he's never met her before, and I don't know if it's good that his only interaction with her would be as she's dying. Also, he's only five, so I'm not sure how he would handle the idea of her dying and no longer being with us. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice for me?
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I probably would not. DD was only 3 but my Grandma who she saw a lot fell and quickly slipped into a coma and passed a few days later earlier this year. I opted to take my dog who my grandma loved and say goodbye alone. We also did not take DD to the military burial. She will still say that Grandma is dead.
That sounds like a lot of stress- the travel, meeting someone for the first time in a difficult situation. Would grandma even be awake?
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I wouldn't. I remember going to see my dying great grandma when I was 6. I had a relationship with her, but looking back I still don't think it was necessary for me. She was in bed, and I didn't really realize the gravity of the situation at the time so I spent most of the time playing around my grandma's house where she was living instead of getting any quality time in. I really don't think your five year old will grasp the whole "meeting great grandma," as a special experience. My guess is it will just be kinda strange and possibly scary for him.
Now with that said, if this is really important to your DH to have your LO meet his grandma, then it's probably worth doing for DH. But I would be fully prepared to hang out outside or leave with LO if he gets uncomfortable/bored/antsy.
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How important is it to your husband? I would do it for that reason, because I know I'd give anything to have a living grandparent get to meet my kid. But I think it'd be more for your husband than your son. Or for the grandparent.
All this depends on whether the grandma is coherent at this point too - I wouldn't bring the child if she isn't.
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@youboots: The last update we got is that she is awake and talking, but she's losing a lot of weight and not really eating. She also has dementia, so she doesn't remember everything/everyone.
@BadgerMom: I think it could be scary for him too. My DH wanted to go with my oldest son while my youngest son and I stay home. It would be cheaper as far as paying for plane tickets, and my youngest son is probably too young to understand what's happening. However, I think my 5 year-old is also too young to fully understand, and I'm not sure what the benefit is of him meeting someone for the first time as they are dying.
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@shabang: I think he feels bad that we never brought our kids to meet her before, and he knows this will be the last opportunity to do so.
The last update we got is that she is awake and talking, but she's losing a lot of weight and not really eating. She also has dementia, so she doesn't remember everything/everyone.
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I was trying to figure out how to say it tactfully but I don’t think there is a way.
I was initially going to say if it’s really important to your husband then do it. But if it was really important to meet why have they not met in 5 years? I understand his desire to fly out and see her. But not everyone gets that chance since some people pass quickly or unexpectedly. I do not mean to be unkind or rude by mentioning this. Just an question/observation.
ETA I see you addressed this while I was typing.
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@youboots: Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, my oldest son has met her, because she came to our city to visit with my in-laws (who also live here), so we all had Thanksgiving together one year. But my oldest son was only 1, so there's no way he would remember that.
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So, from personal experience, I remember visiting my dying grandmother when I was around 6 or 7, but I had a close relationship with her. However, I remember finding the whole thing very uncomfortable and a bit scary and I didn't know what to do/how to act. I also visited very, very elderly great grandparents and had a similar feeling (mostly awkward and uncomfortable), but those memories don't stick out in my mind as much as the visit with my grandma since I spent every weekend with her until she got sick.
Basically I don't think your son will be traumatized by it, but I don't think it will necessarily mean something special to him. Maybe try to see how important it is to DH.
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@cat620: I don't think going to see her will traumatize your son or anything, but I would be hesitant to send your DH and LO out there without you. I'd be afraid DH would want to visit and/or sit with his Grandma putting your LO in kind of a strange position where there is a good chance he will act up. If your DH insists, could you run some interference with your inlaws, warning them of what you're worried about and see if your MIL/FIL would be willing to watch LO while your DH visits grandma?
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@BadgerMom: My in-laws live in the same city as us, and they are actually going on vacation tomorrow, so I'm not sure what their plans are as far as visiting. But my husband has other family over there like uncles, aunts and cousins, so someone could help out, but it wouldn't be someone my son knows.
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@cat620: since he has never met her I would say no. If they already had relationship then it would make sense to take him to meet her one last time
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I wouldn't. It's sad and scary, and not worth it considering he doesn't really know her and she may not recognize him. And this is how he's going to remember her, if he goes.
We took both kids to visit grandma in hospice
but it was very different. They'd known her since they were born, and her illness has been a huge thing in our lives this year, and she found it hard to have everyone around for long, but they did put a smile on her face. I can't really imagine it would have been good for anyone if they didn't come to say goodbye... although I'm sad for her and for them that they had to see her that sick.
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I definitely thought my 4 year old would understand death way more than he did when my grandpa, who he knew well, died a few weeks ago. We bought a book and explained it thoroughly and matter of fact over a couple of days, just reiterating what happened. He did not want to talk about it or ask questions so I left it alone. The day of the memorial, back at my parents house he asked suddenly ‘where’s poppa?!’ And it broke our hearts (I mean, we were all sad anyway but still) All that to say, I don’t think 5 is old enough to really understand it and if there’s no relationship there, I wouldn’t bring them to see her as it’s likely just confusing to meet someone and then they’re gone. Explaining death to a child is a lot harder than I thought so just be prepared if he really wants you guys to go.
The other side is that I didn’t bring our newborn to see my grandpa one last time and I do regret it a little because he never got to meet him. Logistically, it wouldn’t have worked at all so I’m making my peace with it, but I can understand your husbands point of view if he feels strongly about it.
ETA: if you guys decide not to take the kids, I would say your DH can begin to think of ways to incorporate his grandma into your lives to focus on happier times so they still get to ‘know’ her. Pictures, stories, etc could be more helpful to them than actually going there in her worst time.
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@cat620: I would take him. as an adult I would have loved to have a memory of my grandparents whom I did not get to know at all, even if it was a sad one. My son is 4.5 and I know he would appreciate it, but that’s just him.
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@cat620: I’m in a sort of similar situation. My grandmother has been sick for a while and has dementia. I love 5 hours drive away- so it isn’t that far but I haven’t been down to visit. I’m considering bringing the kids and my husband to visit her on the way back from Christmas with my parents. She almost definitely won’t recognize me and definitely won’t know who my kids are, but I think they might put a smile on her face. If we did, I would have them come in and say hello for a few minutes then have DH take them outside while I stayed for a little longer with her. I think having them stay longer would be upsetting to them and wouldn’t do her any good.
I also fully acknowledge it would be for me. It won’t make a difference to my kids (they have both met her, but the older one hardly remembers and the little one hasn’t seen her since she was tiny). And my grandmother might like seeing us but will probably forget almost right away. It sucks.
In your situation it doesn’t really sound necessary and I feel like your DH would have a better more meaningful visit alone, but I can also see where he is coming from.
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It depends on why your husband wants to do this, I guess. I don’t think it would be meaningful in any way to your son, or anything that he’d look back on and think “I’m glad I had that chance”. And actually I agree with @youboots:, if it was important to your husband it would have happened already. So no, I don’t think he should go.
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hmm tough call.... if it is your DH's parents then I'd say yes definitely, but grandmother is very borderline. I think there are no wrong choices here. Bottomline is I don't think your son will be so traumatized that he'd have nightmares about it and require therapy afterwards, I really don't think so. Worst off is both parties does not care or remember what's going on. Best is your son might always remember he has visited his great grandma before she left and vice versa.... hugs.
Just read what @mrs.kiwi: wrote above -- that's a very good point. I feel the same actually. It is really once in a lifetime experience to meet your great grandparent.... but that's just me and my choice. again there is no wrong answer here so whatever you decide at the end would be great. xoxo
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When I read the headline I thought yes, of course. But seeing the backstory, I don't think I would expose my child to a potentially painful experience and a less-than-great memory of the grandmother if they didn't already have a relationship. I would think it would be better for your husband to create a robust picture of her through conversation.
but it was very different. They'd known her since they were born, and her illness has been a huge thing in our lives this year, and she found it hard to have everyone around for long, but they did put a smile on her face. I can't really imagine it would have been good for anyone if they didn't come to say goodbye... although I'm sad for her and for them that they had to see her that sick.
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