https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 17 Apr 2026 08:36:22 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ex-spouse-not-taking-social-distancing-seriously#post-2912787 Tue, 24 Mar 2020 18:58:36 +0000 Orange Lily 2912787@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JCCovi: I'm not in CA, so hadn't seen this advice. As much as I am trying to socially responsible, it's just him, me and our daughter so not very much household mixing even if we do exchange. It's not like we have new spouses and step kids in the mix also. I see that in the UK they specifically are allowing children to visit separated parents, so everyone is trying to find the right balance of reducing transmission but supporting families. <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-52018136" rel="nofollow">https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-52018136</a></p> <p>@moonmoon: 100% custody would be really tricky for me right now, as I'm trying to work at home and she is 3, so wouldn't be my top choice. And despite all the shit that I talk about him, overall I know the best thing is for her to have a relationship with her dad including spending some time with him.</p> <p>Thank you all for your feedback and support. He definitely didn't admit the errors of his ways when I confronted him, but maybe it will slowly sink in over time. (And confrontation probably isn't the most effective strategy for me to use, so lesson learned for me.) None of us have done this before! I think my frustration is about how I am still dependent on him in certain ways despite the separation, and it's so frustrating to not be able to trust him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ex-spouse-not-taking-social-distancing-seriously#post-2912786 Tue, 24 Mar 2020 18:51:03 +0000 Orange Lily 2912786@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@josina @helloperidot: The thing is, he is very closed minded to any "expert" advice, and really at this point, closed down to almost anything that I tell him. I'm pretty sure that me trying to convince him that this is serious will have the opposite effect, because then it becomes a debate in his mind between the two of us that he wants to win. I mean, he doesn't listen to anything the doctor or dentist recommends because in his mind they are just saying things in order to make more money and can't be trusted, to which I respond, then who do you listen to for advice on your teeth if not the expert whom you have paid for their opinion and who has completed years of schooling??? (Somehow this aspect of his personality was not visible to me before we got married 11 years ago...) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ex-spouse-not-taking-social-distancing-seriously#post-2912784 Tue, 24 Mar 2020 18:47:04 +0000 Orange Lily 2912784@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SteelerGirl: You are totally right that two spouses don't necessarily agree on this issue, let alone two ex-spouses. I think that realization actually helped me move forward with the separation (long before all this happened of course!). For so long I felt like at least if I were there, I could have more control over what was happening to my daughter and try to control his behavior. But it turns out you can't control your spouse--and probably shouldn't want to in a healthy relationship--so it felt more freeing to go ahead and separate, acknowledging that we were always going to have different opinions about this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ex-spouse-not-taking-social-distancing-seriously#post-2912783 Tue, 24 Mar 2020 18:44:42 +0000 Orange Lily 2912783@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Corduroy: Thanks for the hug and support. It is really strange territory and amplifies certain strains in co-parenting, for sure. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ex-spouse-not-taking-social-distancing-seriously#post-2912773 Tue, 24 Mar 2020 14:30:09 +0000 MoonMoon 2912773@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry. People's behavior is baffling to me. This must be beyond frustrating to you. If your ex were amenable, would keeping your daughter with you 100% of the time for a few weeks be possible for you? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ex-spouse-not-taking-social-distancing-seriously#post-2912770 Tue, 24 Mar 2020 13:03:32 +0000 JCCovi 2912770@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Are you in CA? Our county in the Bay Area just asked people to stop sharing custody for the time being. I can’t believe it’s at that point but it might be worth bringing into the conversation. ‘’If there’s a chance you or I might not be able to see the kids, don’t you think we need to aggressively follow the rules to prevent it getting to that point?’’ </p> [attach=5112/20/q7pm5w.337x600.438DF54A-9FFE-41E0-BD39-5EAC9CCEA580.png] https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ex-spouse-not-taking-social-distancing-seriously#post-2912768 Tue, 24 Mar 2020 12:06:58 +0000 helloperidot 2912768@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@josina: piggybacking on this, and not to cause general panic, but a 12yo is on a respirator fighting for her life, and a six year old in Iran died from COVID yesterday. We can't just sit here and think everyone is immune. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ex-spouse-not-taking-social-distancing-seriously#post-2912767 Tue, 24 Mar 2020 11:35:58 +0000 josina 2912767@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My step-daughter's mom apparently said in OUR house last week she thinks it's all a hoax. I was irate to hear that she's not taking it seriously while we're watching her other daughter 5 days a week. I shared a post on facebook about how even younger people are getting very sick and basically said if you're not taking it seriously to stay away from me and my family. I'm assuming she read it because this week her tone has changed.</p> <p>My DH has struggled with what to cut out as well as he is in an archery league twice a week with around 10 people. He's been taking extra precautions but finally this week decided not to go altogether.</p> <p>Maybe you can share some of those posts about how our age group is also being severely affected by this illness? I've read a few this week about healthy people in their 30's. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ex-spouse-not-taking-social-distancing-seriously#post-2912765 Tue, 24 Mar 2020 09:49:45 +0000 SteelerGirl 2912765@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband and I also don't agree 100% on how to handle this. So this problem is not exclusive to ex-partners. At first I also felt my spouse was being selfish and irresponsible. But I have since shifted my attitude. There is no handbook for this. Even different states have issued different orders. No one has reached a consensus on the right level of interaction with others. We all have to go to the grocery store and that requires some interaction with others. You and your ex fall on different places on the spectrum. But it's not necessarily out of selfishness. </p> <p>That being said, a dinner party is for sure against recommended orders for every single state. So maybe focus on bringing him just a little closer to your place on the spectrum. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ex-spouse-not-taking-social-distancing-seriously#post-2912764 Tue, 24 Mar 2020 09:36:26 +0000 Corduroy 2912764@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Orange Lily: I'm sorry. This situation is certainly testing a lot of co-parenting agreements and puts everyone in uncharted territory even when everyone is behaving reasonably. I don't have any advice but I wanted to send a hug. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ex-spouse-not-taking-social-distancing-seriously#post-2912749 Mon, 23 Mar 2020 20:28:13 +0000 Orange Lily 2912749@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My ex-spouse and I just separated (like, last week) and are sharing parenting time about 50/50. He just had my 3YO daughter FaceTime me and I can hear all his friends chatting in the background. I fucking lost it! We are on a statewide lockdown, and of course all he can think about is himself. I'm dealing with all the stress of this lockdown with DD's preschool closed, so I can only work part time, so I can only make half my usual salary, and am dealing with the personal losses of being isolated from friends and family. My parents live down the street from me and I am not even taking DD over to see them to avoid exposing them, and I definitely can't take the risk if I know that he is exposing her to so many germs. And he is having a dinner party???</p> <p>This probably falls under the category of things you can't control when you are separated from your child's parent (or together with them, for that matter), but it is maddening that he is playing with her health and mine, and being such an irresponsible jackass. Of course, these are many of the reasons that I wanted to separate from him in the first place, particularly his utter lack of empathy or responsibility beyond the tip of his own nose. Thank goodness I moved out and I can ride out the lockdown in my own apartment. With no childcare though, I do really need him to watch her for half of the week, even if he is exposing her to germs. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2911229 Fri, 06 Mar 2020 09:30:04 +0000 alphagam84 2911229@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Last weekend I took the kids to my parents house in FL for three days. DH had an entire weekend to himself, the only living creature he was responsible for was our low maintenance dog. I asked him to do ONE thing while we were gone-washing the dog. We have a ring doorbell so I saw alerts on late Friday night of him coming home late with friends, getting pizza delivered at midnight, etc. I didn't care as it was a nice weekend for him. Cue to me getting home Monday afternoon: he never washed the dog and then asks me what I want for dinner. So he had an entire weekend free and can't even meal plan and grocery shop for the week and puts the task on me-the person who's had both kids for three days and dealt with a wiggly 18 month old on a 90 minute plane ride. Awesome. I get in the house and see the kids clothes I washed before leaving still sitting on the floor unfolded and not put away. He washed the cloth diapers but didn't bother putting them together, he just put them in DS room. He washed our clothes and then didn't even put mine away-he put them back in the dirty clothes hamper to get them out of the way as our cleaning woman was coming that way. His excuse? I don't know where your stuff goes. Really? All my clothes are in my closet-it's not hard to figure out. I was LIVID. He's only excuse? "I needed to decompress" "I went to the store and bought milk and bananas". He decompressed plenty on Friday night with his buddies. I don't think he'll make that mistake again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2911195 Thu, 05 Mar 2020 14:27:33 +0000 MrsSRS 2911195@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsADS: Right? I meant it in a lol way </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2911182 Thu, 05 Mar 2020 10:58:18 +0000 jennlin821 2911182@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When our DD (3 yrs) is sick, we have an agreement that she is the priority and the point of the day is her. Even daily chores *can* get dropped. DD had the flu two week ago, I had to take off 3 days. I spent three days with her in my arms watching movies. (We are nearly a no-screen time household, so this was probably more TV than she's ever watched in her life!) When she napped, I napped. I let dishes pile in the sink, laundry didn't get done, etc. </p> <p>The caveat with this is that it was focused on her. I was not surfing my phone, or watching my own shows or playing videogames. The same goes (within reason) for snow days and mild sick days. </p> <p>However, its clear that you are feeling an imbalance in your responsibilities, so this would be a good example to use as a discussion point with your husband. </p> <p>and even though I'm saying this, we are also severely struggling with our responsibility imbalance so I 110% get where you are coming from. Because in reality I have an extremely flexible job and much more PTO than my husband, so i'm ALWAYS the person to take the day off. It isn't a question, its an expectation and that is extremely unfair and wearing. </p> <p>So I'm popping in to provide a little insight, but also comiseration!!!<br /> :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2911177 Thu, 05 Mar 2020 10:17:38 +0000 MrsADS 2911177@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrssrs LOL! Not laughing at your divorce, but... I can totally see how that would be an improvement!!</p> <p>The mental load/division of labor has made me incredibly angry and resentful. We talk about it and my husband gets defensive and upset, so if we talk about it, I have to handle him with kid gloves, which... I don't really have time to deal with. </p> <p>He doesn't just sit around and play video games or whatever, though, to be fair. He usually stays up really late catching up on work, so it's kind of hard for me to ask him to do more stuff at night. </p> <p>I think my main issue is I just feel unappreciated. He has no idea how much I handle. My 2 young boys have delays/special needs and just dealing with scheduling therapy (5x/wk), communicating with providers, fighting with the insurance company and school system, etc. is literally a full time job. Let alone all the household stuff I do.</p> <p>I don't really know how to fix it. It's definitely affecting our relationship, though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2911150 Wed, 04 Mar 2020 17:34:40 +0000 MrsSRS 2911150@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I realize this is not helpful, but now that I'm through the agonizing grief of my divorce, I'm so glad to not have to deal with this as much 😆😆. The kid mental load is still all mine, but at least I'm not hoping for help/asking for equity at home and being disappointed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2911146 Wed, 04 Mar 2020 16:34:45 +0000 Chuckles 2911146@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@teawithpaloma: That's true, but I meant that it would have been nice for DH to help out with things that were "mine" (i.e., laundry) even though we had a clearly defined system just because he had some free time and it would have been nice. I see what you're saying, but I've had times where I thought - wow, DH has a lot going on and seems stressed. I'll make sure to do the dishes before he gets home because I want to take something off his plate, since he's always responsible for the dishes. My point being that it would be nice if DH also had that thought process. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2911128 Wed, 04 Mar 2020 08:47:44 +0000 teawithpaloma 2911128@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes, I think my point is that with clear communication and ownership of tasks, things don't have be favors for one another, instead just part of structure that keeps the family moving. </p> <p>My husband and I are not perfect but this is something we are slowly shifting too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2911102 Tue, 03 Mar 2020 16:37:02 +0000 Chuckles 2911102@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@codeitall: Ooh, that would make me crazy! DH is pretty good about helping to get dinner or breakfast on the table (though I'm in charge of making sure we have food in the house and planning what we eat), but he would totally give DS pasta with no sides/fruit/veggies and nothing to drink. Pretty much every day I have to say something like, and also fruit! (or whatever other thing he can eat with his breakfast or dinner). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2911098 Tue, 03 Mar 2020 15:53:03 +0000 codeitall 2911098@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@teawithpaloma: I was just coming here to suggest that! I started reading it last night and OMG is it depressing how many cards I have full control over right now. Even the two my husband has are not completely his from the CPE perspective. </p> <p>Last weekend, while I was emptying the dishwasher that I'd loaded so I could load the next set of dirty dishes that had piled up, DH walked into the kitchen and started pouring himself a bowl of cereal for dinner. I looked at him and point blank said, "It would be nice if instead of deciding you were hungry at dinnertime and helping yourself to cereal, you decided to actually make dinner for EVERYONE since we're all hungry at dinnertime instead of just helping yourself to cereal leaving me to take care of everyone else like I do every other day of the week."</p> <p>He sheepishly put the cereal back and made a pot of pasta for the kids. Just pasta, no sides. And hey, let's eat the pasta on the couch so now there's a huge mess to clean up too. As you can guess, I'm still fuming.</p> <p>He was telling his coworkers over lunch about how nice a small lawn is for mowing and I laughed "When was the last time you mowed the lawn?"</p> <p>I'm really hoping seeing the fair play cards laid out visually and how freaking unfair our 'division of labor' is will help him get off his butt on the weekends instead of playing minecraft while he 'supervises' the kids watching TV and I do chores. Printed and cut them out today! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2911069 Mon, 02 Mar 2020 22:32:10 +0000 peaches1038 2911069@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: I have to work on the weekends about 1x/month at the hospital and my husband does this too- let’s our 4 yo watch a ton of shows while he just scrolls on his phone. They do play too, but he NEVER does anything “extra” around the house. And then when I complain about how I don’t get to spend time with our son bc I’m always running around doing chores, he’s just like “you’re choosing to do them, just play with him”, which makes me feel SO guilty and resentful. I’m CHOOSING to do the chores because you DONT! And if I didn’t, the house would be a complete disaster. Or I’ll have to stay up every night until like 1 am. We have our “assigned” chores and I don’t have to remind him, but he doesn’t do anything to help me out. I do his chores when he’s been really busy at work, etc but he doesn’t “see” what needs to be done other than his normal stuff. Ugh, it’s so frustrating. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2911061 Mon, 02 Mar 2020 13:41:47 +0000 hitchhiker 2911061@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetCaroline: Yes to all of this. Especially on the systems. I am very much a systems person and my husband is not. He is, however, a better executor than I am. So I often have to remind myself that part of my role is creating the plan so that he can carry it out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2911058 Mon, 02 Mar 2020 13:14:54 +0000 SweetCaroline 2911058@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So...I will fully admit that DH is amazing and an equal parent. However, his brain is still wired much differently than mine, and without concious effort and hardwork on both our parts, it is really easy to slide into a place where I am bearing all the mental load and so much of the household task load.</p> <p>I highly recommend three things:<br /> 1) Read the book Drop the Ball and then drop the ball.<br /> 2) Have weekly planning sessions with your spouse. We discuss meal plan for upcoming week and who is responsible for what, appointments, kid commitments, pickups and general tasks. This is a time to hold one another accountable and ask for help.<br /> 3) Help your spouse develop systems to execute their commitments. This seems so simple or perhaps irritating that you have to help with it, but I really believe it was a key missing piece for us. Simply setting alarms on his phone has helped DH with follow thru. I have also provided him with laminated lists for packing backpacks, lunches, etc. And now he solely maintains these things and is better at them than I am. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2911045 Mon, 02 Mar 2020 05:15:10 +0000 Andrea 2911045@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Same, same. One example to commiserate. We have a narrow entryway into the house from the garage. When we come inside, we remove our shoes. You can imagine how messy this can get with kids flinging off their shoes (and the space is super tight). I ask the kids to take their shoes off nicely and line them up, but of course this doesn’t happen every time. Sneakers, flip flops, boots, rain boots, snow boots. 4 seasons in a day sometimes. So I’ll see that the area is messy and straighten out everyone’s shoes. The other day I was frustrated and said to him “We’ve been living here for 10 years!!! How many times have you ever lined up the shoes?!?!?” His reply “Maybe twice”. Isn’t that the truth?!? Has he started doing it though? Nope. *I* would have to ask him to do it. Every.time. Is it worth it? Probably not. And so it goes ... for this and many, many other things. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2911030 Sun, 01 Mar 2020 11:43:40 +0000 Chuckles 2911030@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JJ2626: That's a good point about making sure we're both aware. Since many of us are in the same boat, I wanted to share about a great app called Todoist (though I know there are similar ones out there). I made a "home" to do list and shared it with DH. You can also assign people to do things, so I put down all the things on my mental to do list that are for the family/house and assigned a couple of things to DH. I also assigned myself most of the things that I was going to do anyways. Plus there are a few things not assigned. So when I shared it with DH, he acknowledged the imbalance of work and it made him aware of all the things I do behind the scenes. And I said that if he ever has time to do something, he can look at the list and do one of the tasks not assigned to either of us.<br /> HOWEVER... he then announced plans to cook gumbo this weekend. Which is like a 2 hour activity and DS won't even eat it. I was like, so you saw all the stuff I need to do and decided to give yourself a cooking project that won't even completely help with dinner?<br /> And then he got defensive and said that he has lots of things around the house to take care of that I don't know about. And I was like, great. I know that's true. If there are things you need to get done in the next couple of weeks, put them on the list so that I know. But when asked to list the things he's needing to get done, he said that he's "keeping on eye" on a light switch that used to buzz by checking on it to see if it's started buzzing again. I was like, so you're *turning on the kitchen lights*!? Not the same, dude. Not the same.<br /> So it's a work in progress :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2910939 Fri, 28 Feb 2020 13:50:55 +0000 JJ2626 2910939@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That is super annoying! One thing that has worked for me to feel less like I bear the mental load is to talk about everything with DH even if I am the one who thought of it first and may ultimately do it. Like, oh we need to make a doctors appt for LO or, crap we’re almost out of diapers. That makes him accountable for it and then we decide who’s going to do it. It does often wind up being me because I have more time overall but this way he also has it on his mind. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2910936 Fri, 28 Feb 2020 12:59:42 +0000 Chuckles 2910936@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@nwm: Ooh, we need a whole thread about that. We are doing *all* the things because it got really bad. But our cat isn't sick, she's just mad about our dog and new baby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2910932 Fri, 28 Feb 2020 11:58:08 +0000 nwm 2910932@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: i feel your pain on all of this but am here to commiserate on the cat pee situation. my cat has been recently diagnosed with diabetes, so has been acting out and peeing a lot. so far the only thing he peed on of the baby's is the car seat but OMG its so gross it makes me want to buy a whole new car seat, even though i've been so proud we've used the same infant seat through three kids now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2910928 Fri, 28 Feb 2020 11:26:51 +0000 psw27 2910928@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: I totally get where you are coming from. I constantly mutter to myself "MUST BE NICE" to just say "Oh I'm going to the gym before work" or "Did the kids get flu shots this year?" I'm working through the best way to navigate this stuff since I do not like the pattern we have slipped into. I've seen improvement through better communication but it still "must be nice" to just float through and know your household will be ok. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent#post-2910922 Fri, 28 Feb 2020 10:22:43 +0000 Chuckles 2910922@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Adding to the nonsense - DS still had a low fever yesterday, which DH knew first thing in the morning. I knew we were both stressed about taking time off from work, so I called my mom to ask her to watch DS today. I also emailed his teacher to let her know because there is a class play today. As I was getting ready for work this morning, DH asked, "What's happening today? Are you going to work?" I explained the plan for today (not even realizing that he didn't know). And he said that he had assumed that DS would be well enough to go to school today, so he hadn't even considered what would be happening. Must be nice to have a fairy godmother (wife) who will take care of things behind the scenes for you. </p>