https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 08 Apr 2026 04:47:26 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927979 Sat, 11 Feb 2023 21:49:49 +0000 MoonMoon 2927979@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yellowbeach: I do get where you're coming from, I dealt/am dealing with with the same issues. Knowing there will be no more babies is to have a completely different relationship with out bodies and our self identities. I've really grappled with not being young any more, and the ability to have babies for better or worse is one of the aspects of what being young is. For example, I take birth control pills for period regulation and other side effects even though contraction is not a concern for me. And when I tell doctors that I take it, I sense a moment of pause, and in my mind they're asking themselves why an old lady would need to take birth control. Like other posters, I also feel that I started late and if I'd started earlier, I'd have possibly had more than the two children I have now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927929 Fri, 27 Jan 2023 14:19:57 +0000 MACSUNSHINE 2927929@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am sorry and I get it, my kids are 7, almost 5 and almost 3. My husband would actually like a fourth and I deep down would but I am almost 41 and there is beauty in getting out of diapers and not missing my older kids activities. Plus I have seen so much struggle/loss that I feel like I would be tempting fate, my anxiety has increased with every pregnancy and how blessed we are. </p> <p>But that doesn’t stop me aching for another pregnancy and baby, I love both. It is expected to mourn that and it is ok. I still have yet to schedule my appointment to cut my tubes 🙃, avoiding that I am officially closed.</p> <p>I think after being in the baby stage for so long it is normal to feel lost in your body. Yours are still young, I have finally been prioritizing myself this year. Getting back to the gym, doing my hair again, things that I had just let go. It has made a world of difference. I do see a therapist who I adore and she has been my cheerleader. I would encourage you to ask around, get on wait lists. Mental health is impossible in the US but there are gems out there and it may just take time.</p> <p>I also kept not buying new clothes, waiting for the weight to come off. Buy the clothes! Having clothes that fit and make you feel good is amazing, ignore the size. Not sure if that is even part of your struggle but just a thing that I did to myself for too long. I won’t tell you the size range I have in my closet 😜. I am working to embrace middle age and I think there is beauty in it, not easy but you will find your way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927927 Thu, 26 Jan 2023 11:04:33 +0000 yellowbeach 2927927@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: I started following iconaccidental and think more of this type thing would be good in my life. Who else are you following? </p> <p>@JJ2626: I definitely think this is me and my perspective on things that’s coloring everything. I’ve tried to reach out for therapy a few times over the last year with no luck. Either no one “real” is taking in new patients, or things like zbetterHelp have fizzled fast. Tried the latter twice and ended up paying a fee for a therapist who could never meet when I was available, and another who was really pushy and just not a good fit for me. When I was going through IVF my REI connected me to an awesome PhD who i el saw for about two years. I lost her thanks to COVID when she moved out of state and was no longer licensed in mine. But yes - totally agree with you. </p> <p>@Cake2017: thanks 😊 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927926 Thu, 26 Jan 2023 08:00:52 +0000 cake2017 2927926@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yellowbeach: Its hard! 5.5, 3 and 17 months here. We are done. I have my moments. It makes me sad but I know it’s best that we are done. I think you have to give yourself grace and can “grieve “ but you know what is best and i think if 4 is too much and comes with a lot of added stuff than stay strong and work through this. This is a good start posting here!💕 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927917 Tue, 24 Jan 2023 13:05:36 +0000 agold 2927917@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I tried to think about what is good for the kid versus what is good for myself. Stopping at 2 seemed best for all, but most especially the 2 that I already have. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927916 Tue, 24 Jan 2023 10:09:21 +0000 Chuckles 2927916@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have been thinking about your post and wanted to add a couple of things once I read other people's posts, too. I have conflicting suggestions :) The first is that (which of course you know) you won't be able to keep having babies forever just to feel young and replace people who are passing, so at some point you'll have to sit with those feelings, process them, and move on. You don't want to get stuck mourning aging forever. But I think it will always be a little bit of a mindf*ck to see ourselves in the mirror as we age since none of us really feel middle-aged internally. </p> <p>But then on the other hand, maybe think about what is actually upsetting you and see if there's anything you can do to help. Like, if you're worrying about your looks changing as you age, maybe treat yourself to some new eye cream and make-up, or a really good pair of jeans that fit well, if that might make you feel more confident about your looks. There are also a few instagram pages I started following of older ladies who look awesome (but also their real age - not like tons of plastic surgery or anything). One is called iconaccidental. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927912 Mon, 23 Jan 2023 18:32:36 +0000 JJ2626 2927912@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m sorry you are feeling so down. Have you been to therapy? I just say this because it doesn’t sound like what you are struggling with is really the idea of a 4th child but how to find your own self-worth, which somehow is tied up with being pregnant/having a baby even if you don’t really want another kid? </p> <p>I am 40 and also having a hard time aging and not always feeling like i have the life I thought I would or other people do at this point t. But for me, my baby factory closed after baby #1 and I am at peace with my little family so it’s not really related to that. All that to say, aging is hard, being a woman is extra hard, and being a mom is the hardest. No one really has it all together or is the perfect confident person you think you’re seeing. But-I do think you should be able to find a way to accept yourself and love yourself. You are deserving of it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927911 Mon, 23 Jan 2023 11:04:19 +0000 karenbme 2927911@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You mentioned that you give yourself grace while pregnant, and I wonder if there are ways you could generalize that grace into non-pregnant life? Grace is one of the big things I feel like I gained from my struggles getting and staying pregnant. For me, it looks like understanding that I’m doing what I can and trying to accept my limits. Sometimes I’m successful and sometimes not, but it’s a journey not a destination.</p> <p>In terms of transitioning into middle age, I’m 38 and have been thinking about it a lot as I approach 40. I think, the thing you said about seeing other people is really telling in that we’re all going through it, it’s just not right get on the surface. What you see with others, they likely see in you too. If I remember correctly you’re a doctor with three littles and a successful marriage. Outwardly, you probably don’t look like you’re struggling with aging just like you don’t see others as struggling, which I guess comes back to giving yourself grace and the space you need to work through it. </p> <p>My baby factory is also closed after #2 arrived in December, but my emotions are much different. Three or four kids would be beautiful, but I’m happy to know I’ll never have to go through the same struggles I’ve had to get and stay pregnant again. It’s a weight off my shoulders, truly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927909 Mon, 23 Jan 2023 10:29:47 +0000 togetherthroughlife 2927909@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m younger than you so can’t relate to the aging elements — but it looks like you have a 2.5 and 1 year old so you’re very much in the thick of baby and toddler stuff. Think about your six year old - no more diapers! Potty training over! In school! All those things make the baby years feel like a distant memory. I think as your two younger ones grow, your hormones will continue to even out PP, and maybe - MAYBE! - the baby urge won’t be as strong. Your feelings are all very valid! Life changes are hard. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927906 Mon, 23 Jan 2023 08:53:22 +0000 snarkybiochemist 2927906@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm younger then you, only 35 but I permanently closed the baby factory when I had a hysterotomy last year, It was hard as hell emotionally to make that choice even knowing we were one and done there is something very hard about making the final call. I just kept sitting with it and thinking about what makes our family work as it is. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927905 Sun, 22 Jan 2023 23:03:41 +0000 yellowbeach 2927905@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: I’m definitely going to check out the book. I like your perspective of looking at this as a developmental milestone. I was feeling cliche, but that frames it in a much more tolerable way for me. </p> <p>You mention thinking about older adults… I was just tonight trying to put myself into my moms shoes… she lost her last parent in 1993, her only brother in 2018, and her husband in 2022. Now she’s alone. The last survivor of her nuclear family. I think she’s amazing and try to absorb everything I can from her, but I often wonder about the loneliness and weight of sequentially watching everyone you care about die off one by one. </p> <p>Are the babies supposed to just replace everyone we’ve lost? Should that joy overcome the absence? </p> <p>Getting old sucks. I’m not on board yet. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927903 Sun, 22 Jan 2023 19:32:59 +0000 Chuckles 2927903@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I totally empathize with this. DH took *a lot* of convincing to go for #2 and then it took 4 miscarriages to get her. I'm turning 43 in a few weeks, and we're definitely not adding any more kids. But I have a supervisor at work who is pregnant, and I'm totally jealous of the baby kicks and feeling a little sad that I'll never be pregnant again. I've said multiple times recently that if I had started younger, we had more money, and I had a different DH, I might have wanted 3 kids. But that's not the life I have, and that's okay. </p> <p>I think a couple things have been helping. The first is time. DD is now 3 years old and things are starting to get easier again. Also, trying to lean into the idea of middle age - I recommend Laurie Notaro's new book called Excuse Me While I Disappear. I've been talking a lot about starting to feel middle-aged lately because I'm trying to process the idea and integrate it into my idea of myself. I think of any next stage in life as a process and normalizing all your feelings around it. It's the same as any stage with our kids and the not so good things that come with it - I don't have to like it, but it's developmentally appropriate (in this case, to be a little sad about aging). I find that I'm also really interested in the experiences of older adults recently and how it must feel to know that you are towards the end of your life, and I assume that's related to my own feelings around aging and feeling like, for the first time, I can envision myself being elderly, which is so crazy. So, nothing earth shattering here, but just empathy and giving yourself time to process all those feelings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927902 Sun, 22 Jan 2023 16:39:36 +0000 yellowbeach 2927902@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So here I am, returning to the people who helped me so much during my TTC years, struggling with infertility and loss. 6 years later I now have three beautiful LOs, 6, 2.5 and 1. </p> <p>I feel like the rational part of me knows we are done. I’m 44, so it likely wouldn’t happen naturally and we wouldn’t do IVF again, but I also said that prior to having #3 at age 43. </p> <p>Financially and as far as family logistics, it would just complicate everything. DH was pretty upset about #3 - saying multiple times it just blew up the plan and added stress when we had things under control. I know he doesn’t want a 4th. For sure. </p> <p>And I’ve had so many health issues with each delivery/postpartum period. A 4th feels like tempting fate. </p> <p>But about three times a week I think about just pulling my IUD. </p> <p>I long to be pregnant again as I give myself and my imperfect body total grace when pregnant, and just feel so down on myself when not. </p> <p>Closing the factory at age 44 represents more than just no more babies, but admitting I’m middle-aged and entering a later phase of my life. Where I’m older. I’m no longer a head turner. No one flirts with me. </p> <p>It’s caused me to realize my appearance has been much a part of my identity and way I navigate the world than I had realized. I’m ashamed of that some days, others just grieving its loss. </p> <p>I see other women so confident in their mid 40s, and most would look at me and feel I’m quite accomplished. So why can’t I? Why do I feel so in limbo? I’m happy with everything and everyone around me, just not myself. </p> <p>I know these are not legitimate reasons to add a fourth. I just want some peace and guidance in achieving acceptance of where I am. </p> <p>If anyone else feels comfortable sharing their thought process for closing the factory, I’d really appreciate it. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/moms-of-3-how-do-you-do-it#post-2925571 Mon, 22 Nov 2021 16:41:55 +0000 Shantuck 2925571@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was also surprised by the pregnancy of my third and felt hugely guilty of all of the things it would take away from my older two (who were 7 and 3 at the time my youngest was born). I actually spent a lot of my pregnancy pretty bummed and apprehensive about it all. My older two adore our little guy (now 20 months) and we have made efforts to go places on occasion with just the big kids to do big kid things. Next month, we have a sitter booked to watch the little guy while DH, the kids, and I go snow tubing and to dinner. I really do think that sometimes things are just meant to be. Like maybe your family needs this baby and just doesn't know it yet. Feel what you feel. I still have my moments where I feel guilty that one of three at any given moment isn't getting all that they need from me but all you can do is your best and remind yourself that it's enough. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/moms-of-3-how-do-you-do-it#post-2925556 Sat, 20 Nov 2021 05:40:17 +0000 My Only Sunshine 2925556@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I actually just randomly checked in here after not posting for a long time. I have 3 kiddos and we always thought we would have 2. We basically decided on a whim to try for a third even though we had given away ALL of our baby stuff. He’s almost 4 now and I’m so glad we had him. I read somewhere that 3 kids makes you a “small big family” and that feels true to me. Our attention as parents is spread out but they have each other. I think being called in to help sometimes has made my older two more caring and helpful in general.</p> <p>And do not feel guilty taking maternity leave! The only way we as a society keep moms in all levels of the workplace long term is to normalize maternity leave. It benefits you and all the women you work with when you take your leave with appreciation but without guilt.</p> <p>Congratulations! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/moms-of-3-how-do-you-do-it#post-2925544 Thu, 18 Nov 2021 20:02:59 +0000 Cait1 2925544@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@nwm: @ElbieKay: @LadyDi: @periwinklebee: @bhbee: @Alexandra603: @ALV91711: @LemonJack: @Nutella: thank you all for the words of encouragement :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/moms-of-3-how-do-you-do-it#post-2925543 Thu, 18 Nov 2021 19:58:57 +0000 Nutella 2925543@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cait1: wow, what a miracle alright! Our third baby was planned but took a while to arrive and i still had moments in the pregnancy of apprehension/what have we done! But after he arrived he has balanced out our family (now three boys) but also added SO much more love. His brothers adore him so much. We all often wonder out loud how amazing it is he is here. So definitely take time to acknowledge your feelings but know that your boys will have their own take on the situation. And it’ll likely be a great one :heart: good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/moms-of-3-how-do-you-do-it#post-2925542 Thu, 18 Nov 2021 18:36:46 +0000 LemonJack 2925542@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have three and it’s definitely been crazy at times, but I wouldn’t trade it. You’ll get in your groove with three. Don’t feel bad about having all the feelings. Our third was planned, but I still had moments of panic wondering if I was crazy and worrying about how it would affect my older two. For what it’s worth, their adore their brother, and he adores them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/moms-of-3-how-do-you-do-it#post-2925534 Thu, 18 Nov 2021 00:58:35 +0000 ALV91711 2925534@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m 20 weeks with our very much a surprise 3rd. Not going to lie that I cried a lot when I found out. Three a curveball in our plans for the next couple years and I’ll be 40 a couple weeks after my due date. I’m starting to warm up to the idea but have yet to get really excited. My boys are both excited and like to hug and kiss the baby. They will be 9 and 3.5 when this guy is born. </p> <p>I think it is totally ok to feel however you may feel. It is a big change. Sending some hugs and love. </p> <p>It is kind of crazy how many other surprise #3’s there are. But comforting in a way as well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/moms-of-3-how-do-you-do-it#post-2925533 Thu, 18 Nov 2021 00:20:04 +0000 Alexandra603 2925533@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We waffled on having a 3rd for years, finally did have our third last year and my husband and I say "oh my gosh, I'm so glad we had him!" about every day! I love watching my older kids love on him (my oldest was 6.5 when he was born). It's going to be ok! Better then ok :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/moms-of-3-how-do-you-do-it#post-2925530 Wed, 17 Nov 2021 17:06:06 +0000 bhbee 2925530@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>3 can definitely be crazy at times and I 100% agree take the time to adjust! I had a super emotionally difficult miscarriage before our third and we had given up on getting pregnant again when it happened. We tried so hard for her and I still felt really weird about it. </p> <p>Second, my oldest is 6.5 years older than my third and it is such a sweet age gap. I agree with above that the love between siblings is the best part, just so sweet - and I bet your 6yo will be a big help, too - and probably love being a helper to your middle child to free up your hands a bit. </p> <p>One thing I really found with 3 is my husband had to step up more. I could no longer do everything myself all the time. But that said, until our baby was 18m he worked past bedtime every weeknight and basically saw the kids on weekends and we survived. I left more dishes in the sink and laundry in a heap and he pitched in more, which overall was good for us. And he has a special bond with our third. </p> <p>So, gentle congratulations and take your time with it and look forward to the extra love when you are ready. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/moms-of-3-how-do-you-do-it#post-2925529 Wed, 17 Nov 2021 16:33:01 +0000 periwinklebee 2925529@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm due any day with our third. We were on the fence and a bit shocked it actually happened. I'm still honestly not sure it was the "right" decision, I do feel the guilt and also worry that I'm not going to be able to cope/am just not a good enough mom to handle three. I think it's totally normal to have and continue to have these worries, and fine to feel whatever you feel. I'm not much for advice since I haven't actually had to parent all three on the outside yet, but please be kind to yourself and don't feel bad about your boys, the gift of a sibling is so special.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/moms-of-3-how-do-you-do-it#post-2925526 Wed, 17 Nov 2021 15:32:46 +0000 LadyDi 2925526@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My third was unplanned and is very close in age to my second, so it took me a long time to process and be excited. It's totally ok to have those feelings, you don't "need" to be immediately excited even though you've previously struggled with infertility. And I do feel stretched thin most days and my temper is too short and sometimes it is hard...but I do feel like our third child really balanced out my kids and our family. I love, love, love seeing the bond that the three of them have. I know that it might not be lifelong but right now it makes it very worth it. Don't feel sad for your boys because they will probably be SO excited! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/moms-of-3-how-do-you-do-it#post-2925521 Wed, 17 Nov 2021 13:08:09 +0000 ElbieKay 2925521@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We also have an unplanned third child, but it's because our second sticky pregnancy turned out to be twins.</p> <p>First of all: Please give yourself space to adjust to this news. It's a surprise and a shock. You don't have to be instantly happy just because it's a baby. One of my twin mom friends told me that she cried in the shower every night for a month when she found out she was having twins. She is an amazing mom and adores her kids.</p> <p>Second of all: Please wait a few weeks. I personally batted 500 with fertility: I had three miscarriages, and I have three healthy children. With my second miscarriage, my pregnancy was a little earlier than I'd expected, and I had to process some ambivalence. Then, just as I'd started to get excited, I miscarried. It was a crummy roller coaster.</p> <p>Third: My son ADORES his younger siblings, and that is one of the best parts of having so many kids. It doesn't make up for having his parents spread thin, but it adds another benefit that you may not be considering right now.</p> <p>Finally: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR PREGNANCY! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/moms-of-3-how-do-you-do-it#post-2925520 Wed, 17 Nov 2021 12:05:30 +0000 nwm 2925520@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My number 3 was a surprise that came very shortly after I received a promotion at work, also (and very shortly after I returned from my second mat leave), so I really sympathize with what you are feeling. What got me through it was thinking how much richer our lives would be two years, five years, twenty years into the future. Logistics are a lot harder and our family is definitely a frazzled mess more than I'd care to admit, but we all love our littlest guy to pieces (and he's turning 2 today)!! His big siblings especially love him so much, so all the worry I had about sharing attention has melted away. </p> <p>Also, work was way more understanding than I feared. At the end of the day, a mat leave is a very short blip in a long career. It's all going to be ok :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/moms-of-3-how-do-you-do-it#post-2925519 Wed, 17 Nov 2021 10:58:21 +0000 Cait1 2925519@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband and I are super infertile - our oldest son (currently 6) is adopted and our youngest was conceived via donor embryos/IVF (1.5). We’ve been married almost 9 years and never gotten pregnant naturally. I was late this month and took a pregnancy test on a whim. Shocked to discover I must be 5-6 weeks pregnant. :shocked: </p> <p>I am terrified and had never really considered having a third. I have no desire to be pregnant or have a newborn. :crying: My husband works a weird schedule and I solo parent roughly half of the week. I just got a huge promotion and feel so guilty taking yet another maternity leave. Financially, we *can* swing it, but it’ll mean cutting back in ways we did not plan to. I’m sad for my boys and feel guilty that our money, time, and attention will be spread even more thin. I’m also worried about how this will impact my oldest’s feelings around his adoption - if he will feel like the odd one out because I didn’t give birth to him. </p> <p>I know many of you are moms of three (or more). Any advice? Is it going to be ok? I’m so upset and feel bad that this miracle happened and I’m not at all happy about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/one-and-done-and-happy#post-2923357 Mon, 12 Apr 2021 22:19:06 +0000 karenbme 2923357@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JJ2626: I’ve never had the deep urge either, but my husband did. Now that we have one, though, I want two so that they can have that lifelong relationship, but realistically you can have that with friends too. My best friend and I have been close for almost 25 years(!!) And I would say I’m closer with her than either of my sisters. I think I’d ultimately be happy with one but would likely feel something missing because it’s what I wanted and pictured for my family once we started down this road. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/one-and-done-and-happy#post-2923301 Fri, 09 Apr 2021 11:20:55 +0000 Chuckles 2923301@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JJ2626: I don't think it's that you have some urge that is "missing." I really think it's just how you picture what you want your family to be. For some people, they picture just themselves and a spouse and that feels "right." For me, I would see a photo of myself, DH, and DS, and just feel like someone was missing. But now that we have DD, it doesn't feel like that when I see family photos. But I have a friend who wanted a third kiddo, and that's how she felt - like someone was missing. It's just a personal feeling of when your family is complete - whether it's 0 kids or 5 kids. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/one-and-done-and-happy#post-2923293 Fri, 09 Apr 2021 09:04:59 +0000 foodiebee 2923293@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Chiming in that we're one and done and happy! Of course, our decision was kind of made for us in that we needed IVF and only got one embryo, so we don't have another waiting and don't have much chance to conceive naturally. That said, we're planning to host exchange students when LO is older for a sibling relationship. So that's always an option too! We volunteered with an exchange organization for years pre-covid and had such amazing experiences. I'm excited to offer it to my DS in the future. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/one-and-done-and-happy#post-2923276 Thu, 08 Apr 2021 16:47:16 +0000 minimalistmom 2923276@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JJ2626: I think it just has more to do with what is "normal" (not the greatest word) to an individual person, you know? I came from a family with four kids and my husband has a brother, so the idea of a sibling just seems typical (so to speak.) </p>