https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 27 Apr 2026 08:20:16 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-to-seek-couples-counseling#post-2924627 Tue, 10 Aug 2021 10:58:06 +0000 Chuckles 2924627@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@anonymous22: I think going to counseling for yourself is a great idea. You can get ideas for how to cope with DH's behavior and have a thinking partner for deciding what you want to do about your relationship.<br /> Also, just my personal experience - When DH and I were struggling, he was very resistant to counseling. It ended up helping, but it took *many* times of going before he opened up about what was really going on. It was extremely frustrating to keep going and have him keep bringing up issues that seemed, to me, like non-issues or small things because he was avoiding the real topic. But it did help us with our communication styles even during that time. I went a couple of times on my own, based on how the therapist worked, and it helped to be able to process things with her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-to-seek-couples-counseling#post-2924626 Tue, 10 Aug 2021 10:35:40 +0000 Mommy Finger 2924626@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I"m so sorry you're dealing with this! I found out that DH was an alcoholic about 2.5 years ago and am so grateful that he took it upon himself to find counseling to get to the root of his issues or I don't know if our marriage would have lasted. Honestly, I probably need counseling for myself but haven't made the time to do it b/c it's just one more thing that I have to do. Not a good reason. So I just want to encourage you to go by yourself b/c that's the only thing that you can control. Best of luck to you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-to-seek-couples-counseling#post-2924605 Mon, 09 Aug 2021 07:59:04 +0000 anonymous22 2924605@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: @hitchhiker: @cake2017: This is the OP. For some reason, I couldn't log back in under my first anonymous handle. Anyhow....</p> <p>Thank you for your kind replies. I really appreciate it. I spoke with my DH yesterday and he flatly refused counseling. He says he's done it before (which was when he was still sick from alcoholism). He says we can figure it out on our own. I disagree (since we haven't been able to before). @chuckles, I think you hit the nail on the head with why he actually doesn't want to do it. </p> <p>I may start up individual counseling again just to try to get my head around things. Otherwise, I'm not sure where to go from here. Sigh. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-to-seek-couples-counseling#post-2924604 Mon, 09 Aug 2021 00:04:09 +0000 Chuckles 2924604@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree that the sooner you go, the better. Because every day that you continue to grow apart and feel hurt, the harder it will be to repair your relationship in therapy. I wonder if he's avoiding therapy because he knows he has a lot to deal with? It sounds like you really want to make sure that you've done everything you can before deciding that your marriage won't survive. Have you framed it for him that way yet?<br /> One other thing I have shared here before - it can take a couple of tries before you find a therapist that you both click with and feel comfortable with. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-to-seek-couples-counseling#post-2924598 Sun, 08 Aug 2021 14:05:48 +0000 cake2017 2924598@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@anonymous23: So sorry to read this. I would agree with the above Poster. Now. Do you belong to a church that can help with marital counseling maybe? Pastor etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-to-seek-couples-counseling#post-2924596 Sun, 08 Aug 2021 06:29:42 +0000 hitchhiker 2924596@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Now, now, now. We waited too long (my husband insisted we didn't need it and I was blowing things out of proportion). I desperately wish we would have gone several years earlier because it has made a big difference but there is a lot of hurt to get past. Logistics were a huge barrier pre-COVID, but the availability of remote therapy has made it much more accessible for us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-to-seek-couples-counseling#post-2924593 Sat, 07 Aug 2021 23:36:18 +0000 anonymous23 2924593@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hello, I have a different profile but felt more comfortable posting this under an anonymous name. </p> <p>My DH and I have been having a rough time of it for well over a year now. In all honesty, things haven't been great for us for a long time since I found out about a year after we got married that he is an alcoholic. He's been recovered for almost a decade now but he never sought counseling, etc. to deal with any of the underlying issues. Essentially, I've long felt that I'm not with the man I married because the man I'm with now is constantly angry. He never feels "big" enough and he always feels like everyone is wronging him. I don't know what to do. I will admit, I am sure I am not handling his emotional needs as well as I could. I don't want this to at all come off like I have no part in things not going well. I know I undermine him at times and that makes him even more angry. I just sometimes get to a breaking point where I can't stand how he's treating me or especially our kids.</p> <p>My question is, when do I demand couple's counseling? He has always refused when I've brought it up in the past but we were talking about divorce tonight. While there's part of me that's just done, I would like to know that I tried everything and to me that means counseling. I will say, I've done individual counseling but I can't fix our relationship on my own.</p> <p>I would really love to hear from anyone who's had any experience with this. Thanks. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shout-out-to-my-dh#post-2922842 Mon, 08 Mar 2021 16:22:42 +0000 ilovepie 2922842@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I teach piano lessons out of my home which right now means even more cleaning than usual (and masks etc...). DH does a wonderful job stopping work early and cleaning the bathroom every single day I have lessons. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shout-out-to-my-dh#post-2922840 Mon, 08 Mar 2021 12:19:41 +0000 Bluemasonjar 2922840@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My DH has recently started handling morning drop offs including getting both of our boys up and ready. I have been doing it myself for 5 years now and having some extra time to myself in the mornings has been wonderful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shout-out-to-my-dh#post-2922826 Fri, 05 Mar 2021 23:37:28 +0000 Jessiemuller88 2922826@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrs.kiwi: yes, DH just spent 3 months immobilized from a cracked heel 😩 when it rains it pours... I guess I’m extra thankful for his help, since I didn’t have it for a while! </p> <p>I love that y’all are a baby/kid-caring machine! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shout-out-to-my-dh#post-2922825 Fri, 05 Mar 2021 22:17:21 +0000 mrs.kiwi 2922825@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Jessiemuller88: what!? Didn’t your DH just break his leg or something???</p> <p>Mine wasn’t very helpful with one kid.. now that we have four kids he’s learned to be helpful and we are a great team. We are a baby/kid-caring machine lol. I appreciate him doing dishes, getting the baby and big kids ready for bed, reading to them, a lot of little things that I used to manage alone (or at least I felt like I was managing alone lol). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shout-out-to-my-dh#post-2922816 Fri, 05 Mar 2021 12:58:28 +0000 Jessiemuller88 2922816@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: I know that made you feel good! </p> <p>I was really impressed with my DH this week. My 4 year old broke his collarbone last weekend, and DH really stepped up and took him to multiple doctor appointments and has been the one making sure he is comfortable! I am normally the one to take the kids to the doctor and care for them, so it was really sweet to watch him step up! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shout-out-to-my-dh#post-2922815 Fri, 05 Mar 2021 12:46:21 +0000 Chuckles 2922815@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hellobee is always a great place to vent and ask for advice about our SO's when they are driving us crazy, but I wanted to give a positive shout out to my DH today. I got my second covid vaccine today (hooray!). I made sure I ordered groceries last night and am planning to do some cleaning and laundry today before I start to feel gross so that the weekend goes smoothly. This morning, DH asked me what I might want to eat for dinner tomorrow night. I assumed he was wondering how he would feed everyone, since I take care of all grocery shopping, meal prep, and cooking. And I was like, don't worry, I ordered groceries and made sure we have some easy things like mac and cheese. And he was like, but if you feel horrible, what can I make for *you*? And, as a typical mom, I responded, "I hadn't considered that." It was just nice to hear that he was being thoughtful and thinking ahead about taking care of me.<br /> Anyone else want to give a shout out to a SO? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922787 Wed, 03 Mar 2021 12:34:00 +0000 HappyBaker 2922787@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So glad I’m not alone in this! We had a big talk Friday and he has stepped up a bunch since then, I know we need more help but for now at least things are feeling better. I actually took the past two days off from work to clean and get our house back in order because that is my biggest stressor, and now that it’s back to good I’m hoping everyone can help keep it that way. I also disappeared this weekend a few times and it was amazing even if it wasn’t very long! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922783 Wed, 03 Mar 2021 08:47:20 +0000 Bluemasonjar 2922783@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@foodiebee: @Mrs. Carrot: THIS!!! I too have pointed out to DH that I am the "default" parent. I need to be better about walking away and taking my time.</p> <p>I was complaining about how much time it was taking to get the boys out the door in the morning and DH finally noticed and offered to start handling drop offs. I lay in bed and feel guilty when I hear the boys asking for me in the morning but after they leave I enjoy having a bit of quiet time alone in the house. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922775 Tue, 02 Mar 2021 17:09:23 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2922775@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@foodiebee: This is what I'm trying to do more of too. I've said those exact words too and I think it just never occurred to him how it comes off when he does it. He's trying to be a bit more proactive when I do ask or point things out, so I'm trying to get over my frustration of having to constantly ask and explain things. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922758 Tue, 02 Mar 2021 09:46:18 +0000 foodiebee 2922758@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@nwm: I have literally said to him, "You feel like you can just walk away like that because you by default know that I am here take over 100%. You are automatically putting that on me. But I deserve a break just as much as you do, so why don't I get the same option?" </p> <p>That's why I recently just started DOING IT. I know he's in the room and he's engaged with DS, so I walk away, just like he would. I go upstairs and I take my two minutes and I turn on the bathroom fan so that I can't hear anyone and I just try to BE. I always feel a timer to get back downstairs and I tell myself the whole time that I cannot feel guilty for it, that the second I need will make me a better mom, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922751 Tue, 02 Mar 2021 00:15:08 +0000 nwm 2922751@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@foodiebee: @Mrs. Carrot: @HappyBaker: this resonates for me so much. when i'm at home, i feel like i have to be "on" for the kids ALL THE TIME, and if i ever need a break to do something, i spend so much time and mental energy talking to DH about it and assigning out the responsibilities and making sure that he knows he is in charge and i'm stepping away. but when HE wants to step away he just...goes. no qualms, and honestly he gets a little mad when i get annoyed about it ("i had work i needed to do!" "i needed a break!" etc...like, literally all i'm asking is for you to tell me what you are doing and when). i honestly want to be better about doing this myself but i truly feel like i need and want him to confirm he'll be keeping the kids alive while i'm tied up lol. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922749 Mon, 01 Mar 2021 17:10:49 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2922749@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@HappyBaker: echoing everything jennlin821 said. My DH works best when given very specific tasks, which yes, it sucks that I have to be the one to do all that, but at least it's something. So I do the meal planning, but he does the grocery shopping based off the list I give him. If I want him to cook, I hand him a recipe to follow. I asked him to take on things that I just don't want to do, like deal with our taxes or manage certain maintenance things for our house. I also try really really hard to not give him a hard time about doing something that isn't my way, unless I've specifically asked him to do it that way. A lot of our frustrations have been me saying "make whatever you want for dinner" and then complaining that he made something I didn't want, which sucks for everyone. And I also tried really hard to think about what would work well for his strengths. He will never manage meal planning for us or keep track of appointments for our daughter, he just isn't wired that way. But he does care about things like how our appliances run, and car maintenance and stuff like that so great, less for me to think about. Give that some thought too and see how you might be able to get more specific with him on tasks and what might be a good fit for him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922713 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 15:46:40 +0000 Chuckles 2922713@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@happybaker: Total commiseration here! But I wanted to add that for me a big part of this has been related to the pandemic. DH and I both need alone time, but because we can't really go anywhere, it's so hard to check out when everyone else is still in the house. Hopefully when the weather gets warmer it will be a little better. And, related to being extra rage-y with DH, I have been thinking, "how can I miss you when you won't go away" :silly: I just feel like we are together so much more than usual. And while that's kind of nice, I also want to be like, go away for 2 days and then I'll be really happy to see you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922711 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 15:16:58 +0000 HappyBaker 2922711@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jennlin821: thank you so much for the advice and encouragement, I really appreciate you taking the time! I just told my boss I’m taking Monday and Tuesday off next week to get my house back in order because that is a major stressor me (we still have Christmas gifts that haven’t been put away 🤦‍♀️), and I’m definitely going to work through the cards with DH once I reread the book. </p> <p>@Corduroy: thanks for the podcast recommendation, maybe I can get DH to listen to it so he’s more on board. And I LOVE that you are tap dancing, that’s amazing! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922708 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 14:41:47 +0000 foodiebee 2922708@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@HappyBaker: the post-dinner poop had me LOLing so hard. I too have to deal with the disappearing-to-go-poop issue. Like others said, my DH does a much better job of just checking out or stepping away than I do. We've talked about it before. He just doesn't feel like he has to ask for permission for that like I do. I've done it myself twice now when I was at my limit, and it was really quite amazing once I got past the guilt. I don't really have anything to offer except commisseration! By the end of the day, I don't want anyone speaking to me (all I hear is "mamamamamamamama" 795 times a day) or touching me. Just let me beeeeee. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922707 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 13:54:52 +0000 Corduroy 2922707@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Echoing the Eve Rodsky recommendations. I read the book and did the cards with DH just before the pandemic. My unicorn space is tap dancing for now. </p> <p>I just caught a podcast with Eve as the guest. Terrible, Thanks for Asking had her on Feb 2nd. It was a nice intro/refresh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922704 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 11:38:36 +0000 jennlin821 2922704@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@HappyBaker: especially from the comments you made, fair play is exactly what you are looking for. Its going to give DH accountability, open your communication, and the ability to shift responsibilites when one of you (you!) is feeling overwhelmed and needs a lighter plate. There is also a big section that talks about unicorn time, which is time for your own hobby. This is separate from exercise and other self-care. This will help you both have a more balanced life and feel more like your own person. </p> <p>granted its not going to be perfect due to the pandemic, I mean who has had a date night, or girls night, or most of the things that keep us sane - but if you each take equitable time each week you will be happier humans and show a good example to your kids. If the entire family knows that mom spends every saturday morning from 9-11 is either won't be home or is TOTALLY UNAVAILABLE while sewing/dancing/woodworking/learning latin then the whole family will adjust. And the same while dad is doing the same thing every sunday. </p> <p>I would also take a look at what some of your pain points are. Cooking taking too long? tripping over shoes in the hallway? take some time to figure out how this can be better. It sucks to add it on to your mental load, but the end result may be worth the additional short term weight. And post on here for ideas to help with! I know there was one Bee who kept her kids shoes and socks in the car, so that they were never lost and always ready to go. that doesn't work for me, but its a unique idea that helped me think outside the box. </p> <p>The point is your rage is valid. Its also fixable, if you DH is willing to make changes. And we are here to lean on! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922702 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 11:16:58 +0000 HappyBaker 2922702@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: whenever we have tried to talk about it ends up with him upset and feeling like he’s a failure because he knows he isn’t pulling his weight. But then the next day it’s back to normal and nothing changes. I’ve tried having him take over some stuff completely but he always ends up mad when I don’t want to do any of the mental load type stuff related to it. Example - I hate meal planning and grocery list making so he offered to take it over but then would ask me 1000 questions about dinner ideas and what we needed. I finally told him I either needed him to do the whole job or none of it and now it’s my job again. And omg my biggest pet peeve is how easy it is for him to disappear! Like his nightly post dinner poop takes all of the time it takes me to clean up dinner, and we are frequently on the weekends asking “where did daddy go”. That’s such a great idea to disappear myself to grab some recharge time!</p> <p>I think our issues are compounded by the fact that we’ve been together since college and he’s never “adulted” on his own. He doesn’t use a calendar or to do list and is super forgetful because of it since our life is so busy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922701 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 11:09:51 +0000 HappyBaker 2922701@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@josina: checking out is a good idea! Perhaps if that’s how I start the night after kids are asleep it will set my attitude better for the rest! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922700 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 11:01:17 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2922700@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Have you talked to him and how does he respond, if you have? I feel very similar all the time, and in my case it's compounded by 10 years worth of other marital crap that piled up, but I've also gotten better at asking. Which sucks that I have to ask, but it's better than nothing at all at least. And thankfully mine is responsive to when I ask and I've noticed he's gotten better at things like asking if he can start anything for dinner, or just taking the laundry on himself. Small steps but something. And the me-time thing, I'm terrible at this and I burn out quickly as a result, but I've noticed that DH can "disappear" very easily - e.g. he can just stay sitting in the dining room after we cleaned up and I go upstairs with our daughter to play and start getting her ready for bed - so I've started doing that too. Grabbing a book and closing the door to my office and telling our daughter that I need some quiet time and ask dad if she needs help. I've also told DH when I'm particularly beat that I need to go to bed early or need some time on my own. It's rare that I manage this and I have to fight a lot of self guilt, but I'm a work in progress. As much as I'd love for him to just know what I need, he won't so I need to get better at advocating for myself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922699 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 09:51:35 +0000 josina 2922699@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No advice really but I know how you feel. DH has been better about helping out at home, but I work 8 hours OOH, work up to an hour more at home, make dinner, take care of the kids, and then he gets mad if I don't cuddle on the couch with him or give him any attention. He doesn't get that I need ME time.</p> <p>I have started 'checking out' for a half hour to run on the treadmill every night with a book. Its such a little thing but it's made a difference. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922698 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 09:51:01 +0000 HappyBaker 2922698@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jennlin821: oh yes I totally forgot about that book! I actually read it right when it came out a few years ago but didn’t go through the card process because I didn’t think things were “that bad”. But definitely going to get and read it again! Thanks! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922697 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 09:35:01 +0000 jennlin821 2922697@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I highly recommend the book Fair Play by Eve Rodetsky, and then implementing her playing cards system. </p> <p>It will take some work, but will definitely help you and DH. The book doesn't recommend that your DH reads it, but I thought it was necessary that we both read it, so that DH could really understand the mental load associated with every decision that needs to be made. </p> <p>There is also a website, that is a great resource for the playing cards, and can give you a preview of what the book talks about.<br /> <a href="https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards/cpe" rel="nofollow">https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards/cpe</a> </p>