https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 09 Apr 2026 03:33:55 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900683 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 09:24:06 +0000 Maysprout 900683@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The toothbrush one wouldn't bother me but I'd probably ask him to try doing it next time to see if it happens again. But neither of us would be offended by that, it would just be a part of trying to figure out what was going on. </p> <p>But we say thank you and compliment each other a lot, more so now that we're parents, so that might be why I'd be less likely to be irritated. He realized how sensitive it is to hear people imply that they would do things differently so he makes sure to give lots of compliments. I do the same thing for him because I saw a few of our dad friends back off in the first couple years because of lack of self confidence and the mom always correcting. As for thanking each other more, we both are tired and doing a lot so I think we both realized that it's good to show that we appreciate the effort that goes into family time. I think those two things - regular thanks and compliments - make it so any different parenting styles we may have is taken more as a conversation than an attack. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900663 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 09:17:42 +0000 irene 900663@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@swurlygurl: Oh boy. We are in the same boat (DH takes care of house, bills, work, other stuff while I take care of baby and my work) I agree 100%! He is actually a great daddy / husband. He just doesn't GET it sometimes. </p> <p>Thanks everyone ! I envy all of you having supportive husbands.... don't think I don't snap back at him. I really do. Nowadays when he makes such a comment, I do ask then why the heck did you marry me if I suck so bad? You could have married the perfect mom or someone who doesn't want kids. He will shut up temporarily.</p> <p>ETA: I also remind him all the time that he's JUST LIKE his dad. He said he doesn't. It's amazing he doesn't even see it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900661 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 09:17:18 +0000 Lozza 900661@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would metaphorically punch him in the nuts if I thought he was implying I was a bad parent, and DH definitely doesn't blame me for things like LO getting sick, but DH definitely thinks I make a lot of illogical decisions and questions me about them. I don't think he intends to be mean or critical, but I hear a ton of "why would you do X? It makes so much more sense to do Y." We have had several "come to Jesus" moments on this, and I've basically told him that he needs to bite his tongue and pick his battles if he would like to have any semblance of calm and harmony in his home life. </p> <p>I also feel like it has helped (me, at least) to own my decisions, and to stop second-guessing my decisions or feeling like I have to justify them. If he asks why I loaded the dishwasher a certain way, I'll say "because I wanted to, and it's not a big deal, so you'll live with it." If he asked if LO's gums were bleeding because I brushed too hard, I'd probably just say "Nope." I think because DH comes off as so confident all the time, I just kind of assumed for a long time that his way of doing things was better, but now I feel more confident that he doesn't always have the perfect answers (he just likes to sound that way!) and even if his way might be more efficient, it doesn't mean my way is WRONG. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900584 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 08:57:40 +0000 meredithNYC 900584@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No, my DH doesn't do this. If anything, he is very good at telling me how much he thinks I do a good job with LO. To be honest, I'm probably a tougher critic on myself.</p> <p>I'm not sure what I would do in your position, but I would be pissed. And given my temper, there would be some heated words exchanged. I am certainly not advising that, but I think it would be good to establish some boundaries now, as these parenting disagreements will only escalate as your LO gets older. As others have suggested, I think turning things around on him would be great. I think eventually he will get it that you're always going to ask him what he would do and he will get tired of not having an answer. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900577 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 08:55:54 +0000 mrs. wagon 900577@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: I have a very thin skin when it comes to criticism, especially when it comes to raising the kids, so whenever I hear an inkling of criticism or disrespect from Wagon Sr. about what I'm doing with the kids, I absolutely flip the freak out. And he's VERY involved with the hands-on work of taking care of the kids. So I personally would not take that kind of criticism. I just read that his dad does the same to his mom, so obviously he's just doing what he knows because that's what he grew up seeing. Obviously it's up to you how much you are willing to take, but I personally would work on it until he changes. Whenever Wagon Sr. does this I really flip out. I can't function as part of a team where my partner doesn't trust me fully. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900540 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 08:46:24 +0000 LuLu Mom 900540@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow that is tough, I would for sure hit him down after LO goes to bed &amp; rationally discuss your feelings. Explain that you are doing the best job you can and that you get overwelmed when it seems like he's downgrading your abilities as a mother. I would ask him to pick up 2 baby chores to help out (but him in charge of bath and nails) and have him be a bigger part. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900524 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 08:40:42 +0000 swurlygurl 900524@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: Aw man, I'm sorry! It just makes it so much more stressful on Mommas when people doubt us. :(</p> <p>DH is similar. He grew up with very stereotypical roles, and we're working on that... I typically do all baby related chores while he does work/house stuff. When there's something wrong he does ask me if it's "because you did xyz". Sometimes it's a legit question, sometimes it comes off as attack-y. I just have to take a deep breath and try to stay calm and remind myself I know that I'm doing a great job. (He's a great dad/hubby, he just doesn't GET it sometimes) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900467 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 08:21:59 +0000 yellowbird 900467@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I second what @kiddosc said! I would tell him if he thinks he can do it better, to step in! I also would be extremely mad that he doesn't help as it is! He's not being an active parent and that's just not fair! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900448 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 08:16:41 +0000 looch 900448@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: I would turn it around on him, ask him what he would do differently to prevent ear infections. Honestly, in my experience, with some kids, they're just prone. You can treat the symptoms, like giving allergy medication to reduce the thickness of the fluid, but I would rather just do tubes and not go through the hassle of givng medication. But that's just me, the path of least resistance mom. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900439 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 08:13:37 +0000 irene 900439@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: Thanks... we are actually on the same page on the tubes issue. While both of us don't want to do tubes for LO, we do understand it is inevitable if it does happen (if he has another ear infection). Husband just claims that "I am not careful enough in preventing another ear infection from happening." I mean, seriously????? I guess I should just lock LO in his room with the perfect AC setting from now until he's 5 years old so he will not get sick at all. @#&amp;*@#$* </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900399 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 08:05:04 +0000 looch 900399@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My son is 2.5 and he is covered in bruises and scrapes, the most recent gash on his chin isfrom when he slipped in the bathtub because he wasn't listening to me. I felt terrible about it but my husband immediately said it wasn't my fault and this is to be expected with kids, there will be much worse to come.</p> <p>You do need to be on the same page, though, especially with something like tubes. If he's not onboard, with the approach, then what does he suggest as alternatives? I would phrase it like this, too, just to see what he says. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900390 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 08:02:29 +0000 kiddosc 900390@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: Oh, I definitely understand the learning it from family. DH's parents are divorced, but his Mom always talks about how his Dad always had to have things his way and needed to be the boss. I've had to remind DH before, that he is not his dad, and I am not his mom, our relationship is equal and I will not be talked down to. He doesn't mean to do it, but sometimes he needs a little reminder. :wink: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900375 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 07:56:34 +0000 irene 900375@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@artbee: He knows how I feel.</p> <p>@kiddosc: That's what I said to him this morning. "If you do it so much better, i will never brush his teeth again, you do it." Then he says, "I was just asking a question." </p> <p>I do have to admit I am not giving him enough credit for everything he does. It just pisses me off when he does this. I come and complain here because I didn't want to complain amongst our friends lol. This is their family theme (his dad is exactly like that too, worse, sometimes it makes my blood boil the things his dad says to his mom in front of all of us). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900373 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 07:56:25 +0000 MsLipGloss 900373@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No, he doesn't blame me for things that happen to LO. That's really not fair. If your DH is choosing to not participate in the actual parenting, he shouldn't be allowed to *arm chair quarterback* (, i.e., second guess,) your decisions. I am sorry you are in this position. Parenting is so hard, and nobody has all the answers all the time. I hope you and your DH can come together and work as a team. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900362 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 07:50:59 +0000 kiddosc 900362@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry you feel criticized. Personally I would never accept that from my DH. He is completely disrespecting you and from Some of your other posts it seems that it's a regular theme in your relationship. I could never stand to be disrespected like that. I would tell DH that if he can do it better, he is more than welcome to do it. Otherwise he needs to zip it! He is not your boss, he is your partner. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900354 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 07:47:43 +0000 heffalump 900354@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That is frustrating :( I would try to talk to him and tell him how you feel about it. DH rarely criticizes my parenting, I think we both have the mindset of people make mistakes and learn from them. I also don't criticize him..... even if he's the one in charge of chasing LO around the playground and she comes back with a bloody lip. It's life, things happen. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-blame-you-for-bad-things-that-happen-to-your-baby#post-900341 Tue, 02 Jul 2013 07:42:01 +0000 irene 900341@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Does your SO blame you for bad things that happen to your baby?</p> <p>This is a rant but I also want to hear your experience.</p> <p>My husband seldom helps me on baby chores. He only does it when he feels like it. I gave up on bugging him also. I take what I can get.</p> <p>So just last weekend LO suddenly developed a fever 101-102.5, it comes on and off. DH started blaming me for not doing a good job, and not have mommy instincts (he had 2 consecutive water days at daycare, and I took him to the spray park with a friend on Saturday, which DH said this is probably why LO got sick). He also said that I wasn't on the same page with him, because he really doesn't want to install ear tubes into LO's ears (as if I wanted to), and that I am not doing everything to make sure he stays healthy. (ENT told us we can hold off on tubes for now, but if he got another ear infection we need to do it immediately). </p> <p>This morning when I was brushing LO's teeth I saw blood on his gums. I panicked a little and I mentioned to DH. He asked, "Was it because you brushed too hard?" I really flipped. I feel like that's another blame saying I am not doing a good job. While he doesn't do anything (no bathing, clipping nails, brushing teeth, changing diapers, putting him to bed, feeding, baby laundry, washing baby dishes, none of that), he just sits on the sidelines and criticizes.</p> <p>I am not sure what my question is but does this happen between you and your SO? Just very frustrated. </p>