https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 17 Apr 2026 21:37:30 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive/page/2#post-1085029 Fri, 13 Sep 2013 10:31:43 +0000 Mrs.Someone 1085029@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: OK, I understand. Thanks for looking out for the cause :)</p> <p>Some day, when my story has a happy ending, I'll write a guest post about it. Hopefully its sooner rather than later! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1085011 Fri, 13 Sep 2013 10:25:35 +0000 MsLipGloss 1085011@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsjazz: @MamaMoose: I couldn't agree more.</p> <p>@Mrs.Someone: Too true. We all deserve respect. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1084967 Fri, 13 Sep 2013 10:08:59 +0000 mrbee 1084967@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs.Someone: I think that in retrospect, the timing of the thread was perhaps too close to the other one? It stirred up some lingering emotions, I think. Which is totally fair! I should've waited a bit before sticking this thread, just so the threads didn't overlap... sorry about that!!</p> <p>We'd love to publish more guest blogs on IF, if you (or anyone else) is up for it... that would probably be an even better way to raise awareness! I'll also make a note to regularly sticky threads on the boards, to raise awareness about the IF experience. It's a topic that's very important to both Bee and me! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1084337 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 23:20:22 +0000 Mrs.Someone 1084337@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: I don't think anyone wanted that... Can we close comments and re-sticky maybe? I think all that needs to be said on the original topic has been said.</p> <p>I think this whole thing blew way out of proportion. We are a supportive community and nobody intends to hurt anyone's feelings. Posts get miscategorized, wording gets misunderstood, but just about everyone has good intentions and a good heart. Please see the good in the intent, and respond kindly even if you feel that something can be hurtful to yourself or others. We all deserve that respect. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1084244 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 22:26:01 +0000 mrsjazz 1084244@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: I think the post has definitely helped. I was wondering why it wasn't at the top of the page anymore.</p> <p>I have more to say @pui: but I will refrain so as not to deflect from the original intentions of this post. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1084211 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 22:11:57 +0000 mrbee 1084211@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This stickied thread was intended to raise awareness about IF and how to discuss the topic in a sensitive way. Hopefully it's helped a bit on that front!</p> <p>Since this thread has become more of a discussion/debate, I will unsticky it for now. Feel free to discuss away... but please do keep in mind that infertility/loss is one of those topics that's hard to truly understand unless you've experienced it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1084207 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 22:11:02 +0000 pui 1084207@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaMoose: My intention certainly wasn't to seem like I was yelling at you. I feel it was a very calm, collected and well thought out response with valid points. You can think of the last 2 paragraphs as being not directed to anyone in particular. I felt that very few posters are seeing the problem with the original post and why some responded so badly to it and wanted to explain.</p> <p>ETA: I'd also like to say I forgive the OP (of the other thread) completely. I genuinely think she meant absolutely no harm and just had a bit of foot lodged in her mouth. I was just sad to see that many posters seem to think that those who were vehemently offended by her post were just being over dramatic. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1084205 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 22:10:31 +0000 MamaMoose 1084205@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs.Someone: aw that's ok. She had struggled with MTHFR too but found a solution so I thought that could give you hope which was why I shared with you.</p> <p>@pui: your post is exactly the kind of response I'm talking about. I was trying to make a helpful suggestion as to how we could all avoid more conflict and hurt feelings. I didn't reference the other post at all. You responded by essentially yelling at me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1084194 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 22:06:33 +0000 pui 1084194@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsjazz: You're certainly allowed to feel guilty, in fact I think that is a normal emotion to have in a situation like this. However, expecting support and consoling because seeing others suffer makes you feel bad because you have what they do not is insensitive to those actually suffering.</p> <p>The OP was not suffering from survivors guilt. She never suffered from IF. In fact she evidentially had no trouble at all conceiving.</p> <p>Not to mention, complaining about how "guilty" you feel because you have a baby and someone else you know does not is taking for granted that you <i>have that baby</i>. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1084191 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 22:05:27 +0000 mrsjazz 1084191@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs.Someone: Great post and resources. I'm learning a lot from this thread.</p> <p>@pui: I get why people were offended with the post on the IF board but you said "I don't feel guilty because I have a roof over my head and a fridge full of food..." The key word in that sentence is "I"--that's how you feel. Everyone is different feelings and handles the same experience differently. Guilt is complex, I think that what the OP of that post was sort of experiencing survivor guilt, in that here she has this easy peasy great thing happen to her while she's watching others around her struggle. </p> <p>People with IF shouldn't have to worry about making others feel too sad or too guilty. But OP should not be knocked for her feelings--her feelings are just as valid as anyone else's, even if you don't feel the same way or understand. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1084162 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 21:55:21 +0000 pui 1084162@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaMoose: The post all this stemmed from wasn't trying to share a success story, or giving advice, or trying to find a way to support her IF relatives/friends...</p> <p>I think what came off so offensive was it was a post literally about the OP looking for support for having conceived easily and now having to bear "guilt" because she is in close proximity to those struggling with IF. I think it stings to be told as an IFer that not only are you struggling, you have to be careful you don't make people <i>too sad</i> or <i>guilty</i> with your struggling. And then to post this to the Infertility board was like asking the IFers themselves to console her and assure her that she doesn't have to feel bad about being fertile.</p> <p>Complaining of the ailment of guilt because something good happened to you is making a problem where there isn't one. I don't feel guilty because I have a roof over my head and a fridge full of food, I feel grateful and called to help those less fortunate than I. My response to seeing people homeless and starving certainly isn't to ask friends for support because I feel guilty I am sheltered and fed. My response is to, y'know, try and shelter and feed those people. Looking for shoulders to cry on because you're "guilty" when you see someone else suffering is insensitive. It's making their problem about you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1084157 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 21:52:41 +0000 Mrs.Someone 1084157@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaMoose: I totally agree that we need to be just as sensitive to you, as we hope you are to us. I always try and respond kindly and remember that comments are usually coming from a good place. </p> <p>As for success stories, I guess I'm moody about them. It depends on when you catch me :) I don't remember your SIL's story specifically, sorry! A good rule of thumb is to only offer stories when asked for, or if it is super similar to what someone is going through, and a question is asked about the condition. Thank you for caring :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1084129 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 21:37:27 +0000 MamaMoose 1084129@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think these resources are great and really helpful. But I also think it could go a long way for the IF users to try to see where a poster is coming from with their commentary before responding defensively. Some people say they don't want to hear success stories because just because something worked for a poster's sister's best friend doesn't mean it will work for them and they only want advice from their doctor. Others find success stories to be encouraging. It can be hard for us know what side of the line an IF user will fall on. @Mrs.Someone: not too long ago I shared with you some of my SIL's story and I think (hope?) that was helpful to you. Another IF user may have been offended by me sharing that success story. But I can't control how the information is received and no matter the reaction my intention came from a good place. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1084068 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 20:58:50 +0000 swedishfish 1084068@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@T-Mom: I'm afraid of foot in mouth moments and I went through IUI and IVF :wink: </p> <p>@Pink Champagne: I welcomed advice from everyone except my MIL and that's only because of a comment she made to me while we were going through IVF. I guess it depends on the person. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1084037 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 20:49:53 +0000 MrsF 1084037@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks for this! I sometimes shy away from saying anything to friends (IRL or here) going through this because I am afraid of saying the wrong thing. I really do appreciate the post :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1084033 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 20:48:28 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 1084033@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs.Someone: Hopefully I go about it sensitively, but if you guys ever want me to butt out, I won't be hurt :) I guess I feel like I'm an honorary part of the IF team... and am rooting for everyone everyday! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1083977 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 20:35:20 +0000 Mrs.Someone 1083977@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jacks: Exactly what @bluestriped bee: said! Plus, you're a doctor, so you get more leeway :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1083959 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 20:31:09 +0000 T-Mom 1083959@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This has been really informative for me and I appreciate the links and perspective. I typically tread lightly on IF topics because I am extremely afraid of foot in mouth moments. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1083944 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 20:29:06 +0000 BSB 1083944@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrs.cookie: Aww, thank you! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1083934 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 20:27:16 +0000 mrs.cookie 1083934@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bluestriped bee: I'll be thinking of you. And all the Bees going through this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1083913 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 20:21:50 +0000 BSB 1083913@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jacks: I think you bring a lot of advice and tips to the table. You haven't had IF but you still comment with sensitivity. Plus, you are a doctor and I do value your advice. </p> <p>I agree that people without IF can still give moral support. The only thing is just be careful on what you say. The Resolve link is a great link. </p> <p>I've said this before but a simple 'Thinking of you' is huge for me. I love it and would welcome it at any time! It's simple and to the point. It prevents people from saying something that might get taken the other way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1083897 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 20:16:45 +0000 mrs.cookie 1083897@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs.Someone: thanks for posting this. I have (sadly too many) friends going through this irl, and I'm always glad to find out what is helpful and what is not. I have been guilty in the past of sharing the stories of other friends who got pregnant after giving up on ivf, mistakenly from a desire to provide a hopeful story - but I know better now! I realised quickly that it could seem dismissive of their very real heartache and the strain of treatments etc. the last thing i want to do is make anyone going through a hard time feel like their feelings and experience aren't valid!<br /> Now I find that the best way I can support my friends is by staying interested and up to date with where they are at (if they want to share details). I've learnt a lot about IF treatments in the process. And of course, being sensitive about announcing pregnancy to those friends. And absolutely no complaining about sleepless nights or pregnancy symptoms! So many of my friends would give anything to change places. </p> <p>Any other tips? I put together a two week wait anxiety basket for a friend that I think she really liked, but what else helps? Or doesn't hinder/hurt? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1083887 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 20:14:13 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 1083887@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs.Someone: Sorry if I might sometimes border on advice giving. I try to stick to things I know/ have taken care of. Sometimes you guys know way more than me about triggers and day 3 labs etc! I'm always impressed :)</p> <p>I hope people do still go to the IF boards to provide moral support, though :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1083757 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 19:24:17 +0000 mlm2934 1083757@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs.Someone: that statement is a trigger for me right now.. No, trying is not fun. I wish I could say it is, and I try, but it's the farthest from fun... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1083754 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 19:24:12 +0000 pui 1083754@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs.Someone: I told my dad about our issues about 3 months ago and he responded with "We conceived you by accident!" Uh, yeah thanks dad. Exactly what I wanted to hear. Then later he said "Just have lots of sex". </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1083652 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 18:45:33 +0000 Mrs.Someone 1083652@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@spaniellove: When I finally told my mom, she said the awkward, "well, at least the trying is fun?" Not really, but thanks mom. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1083641 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 18:40:57 +0000 spaniellove 1083641@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Pink Champagne: I think IRL the advice people tend to give (or that I've received) is "they have medicine you can take for that" or "why don't you just adopt?" or the worst, "my friend went on vacation/stopped trying and got pregnant! I bet that could happen to you too." This is probably not the type of advice you had in mind anyway. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1083608 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 18:31:28 +0000 Mrs.Someone 1083608@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Pink Champagne: I'm glad you understand :) And yes, HB is a very supportive community. We do also like advice at times from other IFers, though I usually try and wait until its asked for. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1083590 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 18:24:18 +0000 Pink Champagne 1083590@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs.Someone: ahh, thank you for clarifying. So, you only want information/suggestions from your doctors. I guess that makes sense.<br /> I always find it helpful when people put things like, "I'm not looking for suggestions, just support." That can be helpful as a whole too, because since this is a community that loves to reach their arms out and "help", it could stave off some of those comments from people who are trying to be helpful but inadvertently hurt feelings as a result. :)<br /> @spaniellove: I actually have gotten some of my best parenting advice from friends who don't even have kids- I get where you're trying to go with that analogy, but sometimes the best advice is practical and obvious, and doesn't always come from having experience caring for a tiny human ;). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive#post-1083544 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 18:08:14 +0000 Mrs.Someone 1083544@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@spaniellove: Bingo! </p>