https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 21 May 2026 00:13:52 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2840174 Thu, 16 Aug 2018 15:18:34 +0000 MrsBucky 2840174@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I really tryto have my litmus test be “could someone get hurt/ could this damage/ ruin something” buttttttttt I have a lot higher standards for things so it's hard. DH reminds me that there is only so much he can change, so I try to focus on things that really drive me crazy. That means I take over some things I want done a certain way, or accept that if he does the dishes I may end up rewashing 15% of them. The pancake would fall under the “thats not ok because it would eventually ruin the dishwasher or require us to repair it sooner” but otherwise I’d probably just rearrange it or let it run not full and let it go. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2840169 Thu, 16 Aug 2018 15:14:19 +0000 Mrsbells 2840169@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Iced Tea: I always speak up about things because that's the only way he can know what I am thinking and work to fix it. You should let your DH know he needs to be more aware of how he loads the dishes and make sure things are rinsed out etc </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2840110 Thu, 16 Aug 2018 12:03:52 +0000 psw27 2840110@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>With chores, I genuinely try not to make comments because that is not encouraging and who knows what the back story is. I really only think about this because nothing makes me more irate than when DH walks in from working late, I've been busting my butt to take care of the kids, cook dinner, clean up, etc. and he makes a comment about the counters being sticky or the house being messy.... SO yeah, do unto others! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2840108 Thu, 16 Aug 2018 11:58:33 +0000 Iced Tea 2840108@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So I told him about the pancake, as something funny, not a criticism. He just shook his head and said, "That's terrible." Haha, I bet it won't change how he does the dishes, though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2840100 Thu, 16 Aug 2018 11:42:54 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2840100@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A pancake? That would definitely be cause to say something! That's kind of hilarious but also a little concerning. :silly: </p> <p>I'm definitely the more particular one especially regarding clutter. He won't notice what I do, or he'll say it's that I want things done my way but in my opinion if the clutter isn't gone then it's not about not cleaning up my way, it's just not cleaned at all. I guess I'm just really not shy about saying something..but most of the time I do the cleaning and household stuff anyway.</p> <p>@Hypatia: My dh went years without washing clothes except maybe once or twice his own clothes, because I had complained that he shrunk some of my clothes in the dryer. He only started again helping out in the last month. I thought I had it bad! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2840094 Thu, 16 Aug 2018 11:16:35 +0000 gestalt 2840094@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If i found a pancake stuck to the plate, i would say, "wtf is this? did you clean it?" and we would probably both laugh at the ridiculousness of it. :D</p> <p>We usually speak up, but it's usually when we notice the other person doesn't realize what they're doing. I would rather know and work at changing a bad habit, and same goes for him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2840086 Thu, 16 Aug 2018 10:48:30 +0000 kiddosc 2840086@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The quickest way to make a job yours in our household is to be too particular about how the other person is accomplishing it. Since I have no desire to take on all the chores, I try to bite my tongue and only comment in extreme situations.</p> <p>A pancake though... that would get brought up for years around here :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2840065 Thu, 16 Aug 2018 09:14:59 +0000 snowjewelz 2840065@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Haha! I'd totally just causally slip it in like oh, btw I found a pancake in the dish washer :wink: </p> <p>I occasiobnally speak up. I speak up 200% in my own head b/c I'm SUPER particular about chores and organization and how stuff gets cleaned BUT I've learned that to not become THAT nagging wife, I keep my mouth shut most of the time and just fix it myself! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2840054 Thu, 16 Aug 2018 08:52:39 +0000 periwinklebee 2840054@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I rarely criticize, unless it's a safety issue or if a chore he has promised to do isn't getting done at all... but if he loaded a pancake into the dishwasher he would not hear the end of it, because I would find it hilarious :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2840035 Thu, 16 Aug 2018 07:17:45 +0000 irene 2840035@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I didn't vote because the roles are reversed in my house. DH is more of the "wife" when it comes to making sure the chores are done right. Both DS and I annoyed the crap out of him to a point so bad that if we ever get a divorce that would be a pretty major reason. I suspect somehow he is mildly OCD.</p> <p>Unfortunately he is annoyed at things that doesn't even bother DS and me -- for things such as, I walked by a piece of paper / pencil left on the stairs several times and I didn't pick it up (and I honestly do not see it or I have bigger things to worry about), or how I didn't wipe the counter spotless, and you see residue the imperfections when you look at the counter at an angle against the light reflections. Grrrr. He kept saying I didn't try, but I tried so hard to keep everything in order but then there is always something. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2840014 Wed, 15 Aug 2018 22:11:15 +0000 Grace 2840014@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Only occasionally. But he’s sensitive to criticism too and probably thinks I nag all the time. If only he knew how much I see and say nothing... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2840011 Wed, 15 Aug 2018 21:54:59 +0000 wrkbrk 2840011@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Iced Tea: You are cracking me up!! I guess we are the opposite. Each and every thing the other does that’s annoying we call out. Probably not healthy now that I think about it 😂 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2840010 Wed, 15 Aug 2018 21:40:29 +0000 LadyDi 2840010@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The pancake thing really made me lol. </p> <p>I almost never do, mostly because he does the things I hate (yard work, trash, cleaning the floors, ironing). I feel like I can’t criticize when I don’t have any interest in doing those things myself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2840007 Wed, 15 Aug 2018 20:56:34 +0000 Chuckles 2840007@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The pancake made me laugh. My DH is really sensitive to criticism, so I try my best to only say something if I have a really good reason to disagree with how he's done a chore. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2839997 Wed, 15 Aug 2018 18:59:48 +0000 Sams Mom 2839997@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We both took the chores we hate the least or don't mind doing, so there isn't much room for me to talk... But Lord have mercy, when my husband loads the dishwasher it's like he only wants to fit 4 things; dude, I know you're good at Tetris because you play it all the time </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2839989 Wed, 15 Aug 2018 18:18:25 +0000 Hypatia 2839989@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm not the person to ask. I stay home full time, so I do pretty much all the chores (though DH will help with diaper changes and the like when he's home, and he takes care of the yard). </p> <p>One time, I asked him to put some dirty cloth diapers in the washer. He put them in the dryer. Because that's how foreign washing clothes is to him. :shocked: At least he didn't turn it on... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2839987 Wed, 15 Aug 2018 18:01:52 +0000 LemonJack 2839987@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your description of the pancake made me laugh out loud! I only speak up when it’s something important, otherwise I let him do his thing. He does the same with me. We both have set things we’re typically responsible for, so things don’t usually come up. The way I load the dishwasher is a running joke in our house though, because my DH always thinks I should be able to fit more, and I think he loads it too full so dishes don’t get completely clean. No pancakes have been left on the dishes though! 😂 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spouses-and-chores-what-makes-you-speak-up#post-2839985 Wed, 15 Aug 2018 17:51:14 +0000 Iced Tea 2839985@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I try to keep my mouth shut when I disagree how my spouse handles his chores. But if it affects me and my day, I’m likely to say something. When do you speak up?</p> <p>I swear my husband does the dishes so fast, he must be imagining he’s a ninja. I open it to add something, and it’s total chaos, appears full though it isn’t (on account of being so haphazard), some stuff upside down... Today I opened it and found a pancake stuck to a plate. A pancake. Wtf? How do you not notice that? </p> <p>I haven’t said anything, because I guess it isn’t big enough to me yet. But that pancake. OMG. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-household-balance-is-uneven#post-2027044 Fri, 16 Jan 2015 09:50:10 +0000 avivoca 2027044@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I do the majority of the housework at home and it does bother me, especially when I get no recognition for what I do, just nitpicking over the one thing I didn't do. I realize that this stems from my MIL doing everything (cooking, laundry, cleaning), but it really bothers me and I have asked him to do specific things with decent results (it's just never on my timeline). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-household-balance-is-uneven#post-2026979 Fri, 16 Jan 2015 08:56:08 +0000 looch 2026979@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Freckles: I feel the same way...a small recognition that the clothes don't wash themselves and get into the drawers nicely folded goes a long way for me!</p> <p>I am also in the camp where I have to give my husband specific directions. Even if the laundry bin is overflowing, he will not do anything about it UNLESS I specifically ask him to put the dark clothes in the laundry. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-household-balance-is-uneven#post-2026156 Thu, 15 Jan 2015 17:32:29 +0000 Freckles 2026156@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I find that when DH recognizes that I do a lot around the house, I don't mind that I do more than he does. There is one thing where I said straight up I no longer want responsibility over - taking out the garbage and recycling. That actually improved things between us! :silly: </p> <p>We also work on communicating - if DH needs a break before doing dishes he tells me so I don't assume he is just leaving them for me. Or sometimes I'm so tired that I'll ask if he can just finish up the pots. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-household-balance-is-uneven#post-2025998 Thu, 15 Jan 2015 16:10:59 +0000 psw27 2025998@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I do more, but DH works more so I try not to be a complete b--- about it... but there are days that I can't help but "keep score" (especially when I'm exhausted.) I know he appreciates it but I definitely would like a day off sometimes! </p> <p>We do have a cleaning person come in one time per month to do a deep clean and that makes me happy! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-household-balance-is-uneven#post-2025995 Thu, 15 Jan 2015 16:08:00 +0000 MaryM 2025995@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@.twist.: Yeah. I think DH also realizes that we have different sleep needs. He'll get up hours before he has to work and be able to get stuff done. I'm pretty much a goner once dinner is over. </p> <p>the funny thing is, he asked about a year ago if we could get a cleaning person. I said sure, he could look into it. but he hasn't done it! </p> <p>I do try to remember to notice and acknowledge what he's done. As long as he knows I know what he does, he doesn't seem to mind. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-household-balance-is-uneven#post-2025981 Thu, 15 Jan 2015 16:04:28 +0000 .twist. 2025981@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: My excuse is "but I'm tiiiiiired". Which is terrible. haha</p> <p>@LuLu Mom: I think my husband would understand your view. I think I relate to your husband and I kinda wish my husband would just ask if something is bothering him and wants it done immediately.</p> <p>@edelweiss: I really like your 3 points! I have wanted a cleaning lady, but DH says no because they're too expensive (which I get!). I totally relate to 2 &amp; 3 though. :D </p> <p>@Mamaof2: He's picky too! I usually tell him that I leave it for him because he does it best :P ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-household-balance-is-uneven#post-2025964 Thu, 15 Jan 2015 15:57:27 +0000 Mamaof2 2025964@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@.twist.: ha you sound like my husband and I sound like your husband!</p> <p>Honestly as much as I hate having the majority of the responsibility I do it anyway because I am picky about how things get done - so I do it myself! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-household-balance-is-uneven#post-2025961 Thu, 15 Jan 2015 15:56:53 +0000 edelweiss 2025961@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i'm the one in the relationship who does more. and i think my husband would probably agree with your view that i sometimes create more stress for myself! there was a period where the imbalance created a real strain. three things really helped: (1) hiring a cleaning person; (2) more importantly, just accepting that our priorities/abilities/perceptions are different; and (3) this is a biggie also--he acknowledges/appreciates that i do more, and doesn't raise a fuss when i ask him to do something.</p> <p>keeping the house in a somewhat orderly state is more important to me and i'm better at it, so i've accepted that i'll do more. however, he better be sure to appreciate me because otherwise i'll hit the roof. and sometimes i still break down, but overall it's been much better. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-household-balance-is-uneven#post-2025957 Thu, 15 Jan 2015 15:56:17 +0000 LuLu Mom 2025957@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've learned that "hinting" to my husband does not work, so I have to spell it out. "Honey please empty the dishwasher" while I'm cooking or "can you please fold those clothes in the dryer and put away?" and he will normally do it but never does it on his own without me asking. This is very hard for me, I just want him to do it without me "nagging" him. </p> <p>He knows I'm someone who like stuff done right away but I feel like he purposely says "in a minute" or "just as second" as he stares at his phone or watches ESPN and this boils my blood. I've worked on calming down and realize it will get done even if not on my timeline, but it does annoy me and I get a little frustrated. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-household-balance-is-uneven#post-2025954 Thu, 15 Jan 2015 15:55:38 +0000 MaryM 2025954@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I often feel the same way, but I don't think it strains our relationship. I got spoiled because DH took a year off work the first year we got married, so he did way more than his fair share. Now that we both work full time, I still feel like he does more though. </p> <p>What I did this winter was buy a bobsweep (robot vacuum). It was something DH always did because I hate doing it. So at least that's one chore he doesn't have to do anymore. </p> <p>I'm the kind of person that saves things up until they have to be done (or on the weekend). DH works restaurant hours so he's home during the day a lot and will go ahead and do things. there's not a ton left by the weekend, but I try to do what I can (dishes, laundry, etc) so at least there's less for him to do when I'm home. </p> <p>there are certain things that either of us has said "I will do that all the time"</p> <p>like taking out the garbage for him, or ironing or dusting for me. </p> <p>I used to have grad school as an "excuse", but soon I need to start doing more since I'll finish in may. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-household-balance-is-uneven#post-2025934 Thu, 15 Jan 2015 15:50:50 +0000 .twist. 2025934@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What do you do to alleviate your partner? Does it put a strain on your relationship? </p> <p>I know this is one thing we struggle with a bit. My husband does a LOT around the house and a lot of times seems like way more than I do. Part of me feels really bad about this. I don't want him to feel like I'm slacking or not pulling my weight. On the other hand, part of me feels like he doesn't prioritize and some things that could be left until later, he does anyway and creates more stress for himself. On the other, other hand, maybe I just need to try to accomplish more even though I'm not quite as productive as him (and I'm normally ok with that :P ) </p> <p>This is something we are actively working on because it does put a bit of a strain on our relationship. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1832545 Sat, 23 Aug 2014 15:19:09 +0000 gingerbebe 1832545@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH and I have designated chores. The key is whoever is in charge of that chore leads. So no "correcting" or whatever. You either live with it, or fix the things that need to be fixed quietly, without nagging or making a fuss about it. The point is that there are certain things one person really dislikes doing more than the other, so we'd rather live with it done imperfectly by the other person than do it ourselves. </p> <p>For instance, DH does the dishes 90% of the time and they don't usually get done perfectly. And he puts things away in different places all the time. But frankly, if I cared that much about it, I would do it myself. I've decided just to live with it and take over the dishwashing if people are coming over and I want spotless dishes and glasses.</p> <p>DH is in charge of the garbage but sometimes he doesn't notice if the kitchen garbage is full so I'll ask him nicely if he would take it out for me. And then I will replace the liner and thank him for helping. And then I'll ask if he can take the recycling out while he's at it. I'd rather do it this way because I HATE taking the garbage out and dragging the cans to the street and dragging them back. I also usually empty the bathroom trash cans because DH will not think to empty those regularly. I just dump them into the kitchen garbage and say "all full!"</p> <p>I do bathrooms, kitchen cleaning, organizing, shopping, all of the cooking/grilling/food prep and DH has never once said anything critical about any of it. He is appreciative and doesn't complain about how I do things because he sure doesn't want to do it.</p> <p>Anything else that falls between the cracks we hire outside help. We just hired carpet cleaners to deep clean the floors and we hire a housecleaner once in a while to get a deep clean done because neither of us are going to scrub baseboards or whatever. </p>