https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 20 May 2026 23:41:58 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1830216 Thu, 21 Aug 2014 22:46:12 +0000 Remcatt 1830216@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SleepyMonkey:<br /> Thank you Sleepy for your thoughtful words! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1828106 Thu, 21 Aug 2014 10:55:27 +0000 Vegmama 1828106@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mediagirl: Same here. We just talk. As with any relationship, time brings change. Something that mattered before might not matter now, and who knows how we'll want things in the future. We call it checking in, and I think it helps your partner feel supported, and helps you feel listened to. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1827961 Thu, 21 Aug 2014 10:18:58 +0000 SleepyMonkey 1827961@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Remcatt: we had the same issues in our relationship actually, the bill paying and chores specifically. It takes a long time but my dh is way better with it now than when we first got married. I think what helped us was for me to change my perspective on it too. Like, dinner dishes don't need to be cleaned up immediately after dinner. He can do it on his own time as long as it happens before we go to bed. And not every room in our apartment has to be completely clean and tidy. We have our living room tidy but our bedroom is sometimes messy And I've taught myself to let it go. I think if you talk with him about what you will do to fix the issue, he will be more willing to "change". Meaning that, BOTH of you have to be willing to change and I think that having that compromise makes it more palatable for him to be willing to change too. And I also made it a point to ask him to do things instead of waiting fir him to know what to do and do it. Sometimes all they need is for us to ask them. He can't read my mind but if I ask him he is perfectly willing to help me out. Also I ask really nicely...or when I want him to do something a little better, I am super nice and never have a critical tone. Even still, sometimes that doesn't work...so then I will say, nicely again, I've ask you a bunch of times to do this...and I really won't be nice next time! Haha. That usually works. One last thing is that it takes a LONG time. Won't happen overnight...won't even happen in a year or two. But over time, it is possible to change (both of you) :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1827894 Thu, 21 Aug 2014 10:01:12 +0000 fairy 1827894@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Our biggest issues were all "fixed" by DH going to counseling. There were anger issues that he had that were starting to get in the way of our relationship and since going to counseling he REALLY mellowed out and we both talk more candidly about everything now. He got to the root of his issues and knows himself better and I think it has greatly helped our marriage! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1827882 Thu, 21 Aug 2014 09:58:05 +0000 Remcatt 1827882@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yoursilverlining:<br /> Haha, yes. thanks for the feedback on the polls. :happy: They are purposely not perfect answers becuase there really is none. Just to get juices flowing for the comments. </p> <p>We do talk quite a bit. He's grown quite a bit to be a good communicator, but I often repeat really important and emotional things about my desired out come for the two of us. He hasn't shared his version of a desired outcome even with a little poking and prodding from me. He ends us sincerely agreeing with me. Yet he's told me he forgets sometimes what that outcome is... (its basically to be more prepared and to anticipate the tornado of raising a family. If some of these things keep going, our lives will be even harder to manage that now)</p> <p>The thing is, there are these concrete tasks (finances, chores) but really its about a sense of unfairness, rather than the tasks themselves that I think cause the problems. </p> <p>DH and I have had a conversation of splitting tasks, but he really doesn't take it seriously. The italian in him is serious when he says things you do for your partner are out of love, so it shouldn't bother you! (if only...) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1827844 Thu, 21 Aug 2014 09:49:00 +0000 Remcatt 1827844@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: Thank you for your comment! </p> <p>I tend to be overly proactive and overly mindful, which ends up being an unfair balance for each of us. We're almost on two extremes. We both work to meet in the middle, but of course there are moments in a day where it doesn't feel like this for each of us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1827832 Thu, 21 Aug 2014 09:46:14 +0000 Remcatt 1827832@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PawPrints: Thank you for your comment. I agree. We do have conversations together (sometimes loving, sometimes in the heat of the moment). </p> <p>Something else I struggle with is I feel like I'm nagging (even if I bring it up calmly) because I'm disrupting whatever his flow is for the day. I know I shouldn't feel bad, and I usuall manage to bring things up anyway. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1827823 Thu, 21 Aug 2014 09:44:18 +0000 Remcatt 1827823@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: We've been living together for a year. He's gotten a little better over the year (learning to say thank you for household tasks I do, when he puts his mind to it, he's great with responsibilities). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1827812 Thu, 21 Aug 2014 09:40:03 +0000 Remcatt 1827812@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mae: Yes, great. Thank you! It can be hard to see and appreciate changes while your in the thick of it all, but I'll definitely keep my eye out for these things. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825462 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 11:28:17 +0000 PawPrints 1825462@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Stacy: Heh well for the five years we've lived together it has worked very well for him to have one room of the house where it's okay for him to be a little bit more messy - our office basically doubles as his changing room, since he keeps his clothes in the walk-in closet in there. Having that outlet has been enough to help him stop dropping clothes (or anything else) all over the rest of the house. But we'll see what happens once the baby is here. He did agree he would have to stop doing it then, so hopefully change is possible! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825448 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 11:23:56 +0000 Canoli 1825448@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: I really like this! I'll have to keep this in mind!</p> <p>@pawprints: if you find a way to solve this, let me know! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825420 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 11:14:25 +0000 yoursilverlining 1825420@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My short answer is I don’t think you can get people to change; but I also don’t think most of your poll choices are necessarily that healthy either because the first 2 expect you to basically bottle up your frustrations and ignore them and the last oneis something only a newly married Mother Theresa(s) could select! :silly: </p> <p>Do you and your husband discuss the areas at issue in detail and specifics? Have you shared your desired outcome, and why? Can you pinpoint for him what the problem is in the way things are currently being handled; and offer examples of why the current behavior is an issue as well as possible solutions? </p> <p>For example: what is your frustration with “being responsible for the payment process for bills”? Are they not getting paid on time? Are you racking up late fees, losing points on your credit? What if *you* took over being responsible for paying the bills instead of your husband? What if you both set up some automatic debits for bills? </p> <p>I don't think it's always wrong to want your partner to change; it's normal since we all have different ways of doing things and most of us feel like our way is the right way to do it (obviously, why else would we do it our way?). If it's just a matter of two different approaches with the same outcome, I just remind myself that different people have different solutions, both of which can be valid. If there is an issue we need to solve, then we talk about it. </p> <p>I think open communication is key. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825416 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 11:13:25 +0000 youboots 1825416@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We keep an ongoing constant dialogue in our home. It works for us. Usually it's along the lines of I see you are busy/stressed/traveling a lot are there any errands I can run for you to lighten your load? Is there anything I can do to make your life easier? </p> <p>Sometimes we dedicate an hour or whatever (on the kitchen timer) and clean/work on a project until the timer goes off.</p> <p>We have designated chores/roles. That helps. We also have a housecleaner every 3 weeks since we both work primarily from home, it's essential for us.</p> <p>It may sound way out of left field but I highly recommend reading the 5 love languages. Each person receives love in a different way. I think people are more likely to pitch in/remember what needs to be done when they are happy and feel loved. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825415 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 11:13:08 +0000 MaryM 1825415@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think for all the reasons you listed, the advice in your other thread would still stand. I don't think you should only expect your husband to change to fit what you think is the ideal. </p> <p>I think you need to work with him to come up with compromises you both can work with. </p> <p>Why does it need to be up to only him to be more mindful or more proactive? You both should be willing to work at them. </p> <p>I agree with @Cherrybee: that it's about BOTH people being active and acting like partners and meeting in the middle. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825406 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 11:09:04 +0000 PawPrints 1825406@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Remcatt: Those definitely do not sound like things you should keep bottled away inside. Have an honest and loving conversation with him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825399 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 11:07:22 +0000 Cherrybee 1825399@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Remcatt: Right, so it's mostly about being an active partner in the running of the household. So.... how long have you guys lived together? Has he always been this way? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825398 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 11:07:09 +0000 Mae 1825398@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Remcatt: bills and chores i feel like are totally fixable issues. being proactive about relationship issues is harder I think. because that is more of an emotional comfort issue than a habit issue. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825390 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 11:04:16 +0000 Cherrybee 1825390@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Remcatt: Are you open to sharing a little more? Is it a personality trait of his you want to change? Or something else? It is an ongoing issue or a more recent thing?</p> <p>EDIT: You answered my questions while I was replying!!!! Sorry! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825381 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 11:00:40 +0000 LuLu Mom 1825381@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When my husband and I start to bicker/fight/ect. it's usually over things that have built up overtime &amp; we explode. So to prevent this, we have done our best to talk about things that bother us. It has really helped us. Our main arguments are about household responsibilities (sounds like this might be an issue with you as well) &amp; budget/money. </p> <p>Cleaning; what we've done to eliminate arguments (usually me getting on him about not helping) is we draw chores for the week. Whatever you pull out is what you are in charge of for the week. This prevents arguments and appoints responsibility. With our child we do every other night (bath/bedtime routine/ect.) I always cook so whoever is not doing bath that night does the dishes. Whoever isn't doing bedtime routine takes the dog for a walk. By having these "rules" it just prevents unnecessary bickering. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825370 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:57:39 +0000 Remcatt 1825370@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PawPrints: </p> <p>Haha, yes. That hits a sore spot, I'm sure for more people than just myself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825366 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:56:30 +0000 Remcatt 1825366@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Bluemasonjar: </p> <p>Thanks for your comment. </p> <p>Specifically in my case, change is 'being responsible for the payment process for bills,' 'being mindful about chores', 'being proactive about resolving issues between us' </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825349 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:53:18 +0000 aegie 1825349@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>eek, this is sensitive. things that have nothing to do with character - things like: picking up after themselves more, helping around the house, not saying things like always and never in an argument ... those kinds of things can be changed and fixed for the better. But once you go into the character territory, it gets a little icky. Like if you're talking about, the way he addresses criticism, or if he's emotionally closed in (my DH is like this) .. these are things that need to be worked on BY your husband. And he's going to want to do it. So it's kind of tricky. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825325 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:46:04 +0000 PawPrints 1825325@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>None of the above. I talk to him about it. Like how he's going to need to stop dropping socks on the floor after we have a baby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825282 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:36:38 +0000 gingerbebe 1825282@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband and I routinely talk to each other about things that bug us about the other but its always grounded in the concept that we're in this no matter what, we love each other just the way the other is, BUT there are ways to improve the quality of our relationship to make our life better. And that whatever the issue is, its OUR problem jointly simply by virtue of the fact that we're married to each other. So the solutions have to be jointly agreed to. So our conversations go something like:</p> <p>"I feel like our [spending/eating/sleeping/drinking habits/etc.] are affecting [my mental health/physical health/our relationship/etc.] in this [negative] way. [Perhaps include specific example of problem and how its affected me.] This makes me feel like [crap]. I was wondering if we could talk about this and think of ways we can make this better because I feel like if we don't address it, its just going to get worse and its going to make things difficult [for me/for us/for our children/our future goals/etc]. What do you think?" </p> <p>Sometimes this puts the other person on the defensive. At that point, we'll say "Okay well maybe it would help me if you could explain more [why you do this/the motivation behind the action] and that way I could get more perspective andunderstand the situation a little bit better."</p> <p>If they explain their justification and it still doesn't add up or make you change your mind, you can then just reiterate your perspective. "Okay, I see what's going on. Well, that's helpful to know but do you my side of this? How when [this thing happens] it makes me feel [this certain way]?"</p> <p>At this point, once both perspectives are on the table, we look at each other and say "okay, so how do we fix this?" And sometimes it means one person needs to change, sometimes it means we both have to compromise, and sometimes it means I need to fix my perspective. But whatever has to happen, its OUR solution. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825281 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:36:34 +0000 Mae 1825281@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree it depends on what you want to change. My husband has certainly changed for the better through some discussions we've had like learning how to fight better, be more communicative, help more around the house, etc. I've also changed through some prodding from him and I think I'm a bit more chill/go with the flow now and I try to be less messy and also to avoid making some comments that I used to make without thinking and didn't realize they were hurtful due to some prior experiences he's had. I think in a lot of ways it is easy to change for your spouse if the things that need to be changed are the types of things that are behaviors and you know it means a lot to your spouse. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825266 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:32:53 +0000 Bluemasonjar 1825266@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It depends on what you want them to change. Over time I have seen my husband go from being an impulsive shopper who spent money without thinking to a very budget conscious person because we now have shared goals that we want to save up for. I didn't force him to change but I encouraged him to think before spending money. I think talking to him about it is the first step. Hugs! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825220 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:19:00 +0000 mediagirl 1825220@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Remcatt: if there is something that bothers me about my spouse, I try to talk to him about it or I do something about it to help him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/change#post-1825185 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:09:05 +0000 Remcatt 1825185@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What do you do when you feel like you want your partner to change?... :meh: </p> <p>I know its wrong. I know its not possible. I know its not loving.</p> <p>Thank you for your thoughtful comments in advance.<br /> I'm asking for something difficult to reply to, but I'm looking for specific strategies or stories that will set my head straight. </p> <p>Remcatt </p>