https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 11 Apr 2026 11:12:27 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/troubled-in-law#post-2590773 Fri, 22 Jul 2016 15:27:42 +0000 Mama Bird 2590773@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wouldn't bring kids to visit an abusive and potentially violent relative for the sake of not hurting someone's feelings. I'm glad your husband is also on board with boundaries.</p> <p>I also have a relative who's been abusive in the past (more emotionally than physically). I do have to see this person regularly with the kids in tow. This person got treatment and cleaned up their act years ago and really wants to be involved, but I'm never leaving the kids alone with them, and a part of me is always on high alert whenever we visit. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/troubled-in-law#post-2590683 Fri, 22 Jul 2016 13:38:16 +0000 keepcalmcarrie 2590683@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My FIL is an alcoholic. I've met him once. He wasn't invited to our wedding, and he's never met our two children. It's a sad situation, and he's never been physically violent, but he was a terrible father to DH growing up and he is just not able to control himself at all and has said very hurtful things over the past few years. DH talks to him on the phone maybe once a year and it always goes poorly. It's not easy but I think it's better this way. Good luck with whatever you decide to do - I know for me, physical violence like that with no remorse would be the end of his contact with my kids. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/troubled-in-law#post-2590667 Fri, 22 Jul 2016 13:01:42 +0000 hotpink 2590667@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks for all the responses. I needed to take a break from thinking about things for a few days.</p> <p>@emilye519: Thanks for sharing. DH and I suspect that FIL is an alcoholic too. No one else in the family will really acknowledge FIL has a problem. My mama bear is out in full force to protect my kids on this one. </p> <p>@pwnstar: Thanks for reminding me to stand up for my kids. I am worried about the family drama that I might be blamed for by setting hard boundaries but you are so right that it's worth the drama to keep my kids and my family safe. </p> <p>@Jackiedavis87: I am so sorry to hear that you've had such trouble with your own mother. You are incredibly strong for the tough decision you've made to cut her out. Thanks for sharing your story. It helps me to know that other people have had to made difficult decisions for their family. </p> <p>@Jess1483: Everything you said! DH and I are on the same page. But DH's immediate family keeps pulling the faaaamily card. "But FIL is faaaamily, thats important." Blah. I don't think relation is an excuse to hang out with an abuser. </p> <p>@Tanjowen: Thanks for your work with abuse victims. I cannot believe how common this is. FIL is not seeking any help. We've pointed him at AA, Abuser prevention programs, anger management, therapy. FIL says he doesn't need any of it. I hope he gets a lot of court ordered classes and can set himself on a better path. Until then the kids and I are out of contact. </p> <p>@Mrs. Lion: I am setting up strict boundaries and letting DH enforce them. I am sorry you are also dealing with alcoholism. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/troubled-in-law#post-2586996 Fri, 15 Jul 2016 14:54:35 +0000 emilye519 2586996@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is a contentious topic in our household. No one else in DH's family will acknowledge that his father is an alcoholic. I have made it quite clear that he will never be alone with our kids and will never drive them anywhere. I leave that up to DH to enforce. I've also realized that I need to make sure we don't have readily accessible alcohol in our house when they visit. I think you should trust your gut. Some people may think I'm controlling or overreacting but these are my kids and I will do whatever I think is right to keep them safe - physically, emotionally. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/troubled-in-law#post-2586988 Fri, 15 Jul 2016 14:30:55 +0000 pwnstar 2586988@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When it comes to the safety of kiddos, I take a no holds barred approach. For me, I couldn't care less about whether someone shows remorse or not . . . the fact is that he hit her/roughed her up. That's all I need to know. A lack of self-control is just that - I don't care about how they feel after the fact. It is my job as a parent to do my best to keep my kids healthy and safe . . . even if that means cutting out family members--on either side--and causing *drama.* I will cause drama all day every day to keep my kids safe. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/troubled-in-law#post-2586978 Fri, 15 Jul 2016 14:08:18 +0000 arosebyany 2586978@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've cut all ties with my mother. She is an alcoholic/ drug addict, currently her vice is pain pills. I now have a 7 month old, but I decided that when I was about 5 months pregnant, she would never be a part of my sons life. She has been in and out of countless rehabs, jails and different men's houses. Looking back now as a mother I can say there are things from my childhood I will never forgive my mother for. I know it will make me seem cold but I give exacly ZERO fucks for people who are unwilling to help themselves. I'm still a little bitter obviously, but I've come to terms with the fact that my mother will never care for anyone, not even herself, and my child should never have to see that. I know later I will have to answer questions for him. But in my opinion better to answer those questions, and him never know her, than for him have to watch my mother kill herself with drugs and alcohol. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/troubled-in-law#post-2586970 Fri, 15 Jul 2016 13:50:56 +0000 Jess1483 2586970@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would absolutely not see my FIL until he 1) showed remorse and 2) got help, and even then, never alone.</p> <p>I don't really accept "family" as an excuse for behaviors that I wouldn't allow my child around if someone weren't family. (ETA: my older brother is a drug addict. He is now 5 years clean, so he is a part of my boys' life, but he knows one slip and he's out. And he isn't alone with them/never drives them.)</p> <p>What is DH's response? Does he feel the same as you? You'll need to get on the same page about this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/troubled-in-law#post-2586953 Fri, 15 Jul 2016 13:17:57 +0000 Tanjowen 2586953@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The no remorse part bothers me. I work mostly with victims of domestic abuse and the repeat offenders we see are the ones that have no remorse for their actions. It would matter to me if he was either forced to seek help (via a court system) or sought help. I think children watch the entire families responses in these situations, just as you mentioned. I would totally cut him out of my kids lives until he shows remorse and takes action and tries to improve himself. Sorry you are having to go through this :sad: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/troubled-in-law#post-2586950 Fri, 15 Jul 2016 13:09:24 +0000 Mrs. Lion 2586950@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Alcoholism runs in our family and we have had to set some pretty strict boundaries around that. No drinking around us or the kids, and the kids don't stay with them alone. I am not sure what I would do in your situation, but it is perfectly okay for you to set up boundaries until the situation is resolved, especially if you are concerned about the safety of your family. I would probably defer to your DH to handle setting those boundaries though </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/troubled-in-law#post-2586946 Fri, 15 Jul 2016 13:04:27 +0000 hotpink 2586946@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My FIL has been arrested for domestic abuse. Assault &amp; battery charges. His girlfriend is pretty roughed up. FIL is showing no remorse for his actions.</p> <p>I'm pretty upset about the situation. I'm not interested in seeing FIL anytime soon, or letting my kids be around him. </p> <p>The kids are too young to explain what's going on. But I can't in good conscious keep hanging out with FIL, just because he's family, pretending everything is ok. I don't want my kids to later look back and connect the dots about the domestic abuse and think that we condone that sort of thing because FIL is family. </p> <p>Any advice dealing with a family member with a serious problem would be helpful. Have you had to cut contact with a family member before, temporarily or permanently? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-this-is-a-trick/page/2#post-640833 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 15:42:23 +0000 blackbird 640833@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeah...gardens don't need tending to every. single. day. Water, sure...but you can do that! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-this-is-a-trick/page/2#post-640828 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 15:40:43 +0000 swurlygurl 640828@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh no, sneaky in-laws! You'll definitely need to set a schedule... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-this-is-a-trick/page/2#post-640807 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 15:35:58 +0000 Mrs. Pen 640807@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: eek!!! I would say tell them that you'd prefer they come work on the garden maybe 1-2x a week and you and your DH can take care of it the rest of the time. Have your DH make them set a designated day/time that they come instead of just dropping by to help. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-this-is-a-trick/page/2#post-640798 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 15:33:30 +0000 MsLipGloss 640798@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: I mean fat hobbitses, fruit-pelting squirrels, poison ivy, and electric fences . . . what's not to love? ;P </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-this-is-a-trick/page/2#post-640793 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 15:32:26 +0000 MsLipGloss 640793@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: Awwww - yay!!! :D </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-this-is-a-trick/page/2#post-640784 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 15:31:20 +0000 Boheme 640784@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MsLipGloss: I love it because now I'm laughing about it when before I was fuming. I seriously might change my avatar to that Mrs Doubtfire pic lol </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-this-is-a-trick/page/2#post-640781 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 15:30:26 +0000 MsLipGloss 640781@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: I seriously didn't mean to jack your thread . . . it's just so absurd! You poor thing! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-this-is-a-trick#post-640774 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 15:28:42 +0000 Pepper 640774@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ohhh no, this is definitely a trick! Every day?! Yikes. Sounds like this agreement needs major modification! </p>